Peter Jokes
143 peter jokes and hilarious peter puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about peter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is a compilation of jokes and puns related to the Peters in popular culture. From Athletico Mince Pete's hilarious gags to puns on Saint Peter, Blue Peter, and Peter Pan, this collection of Peter jokes will leave you in stitches. Read on to learn more about the comedic Musalinis Matthew, Greg, and Mathew.
Quick Jump To
- Short Peter Jokes
- Peter One Liners
- St Peter Jokes
- Saint Peter Jokes
- Peter Pan Jokes
- Peter Parker Jokes
- More Peter Jokes
Funniest Peter Short Jokes
Short peter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The peter humour may include short spider man jokes also.
- Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands
You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old - [Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland? She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
- My father is cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am...... .....
an Ice Cube
Cred: Russell Peters - Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next star wars movie! They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.
- A guy dies, goes to the gates of heaven, and starts telling Saint Peter a joke. 8 hours later, Peter finally gets impatient, interrupts him and says, "We don't have forever, Norm."
- Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands
I like this joke because it never grows old
This joke is off the hook
Sorry - And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life' Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
- So I went on Dragons Den with my grandad's shotgun and Peter Jones said, "so what's the business idea?" I said, "It's a very simple concept, Peter. Put the money in the bag."
- And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory" But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster.
- The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away. I don't know what he's up to now.
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Peter One Liners
Which peter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with peter? I can suggest the ones about spider and john.
- What happened when Tinker bell couldn't find a bathroom? [Original] She Peter Pans
- How come Peter Pan is always flying? Because he Neverlands.
- What did Voldemort say to Peter Pettigrew when they went bowling? *Kill the spare.*
- Why does Peter Parker only have eleven months on his calendar? Because he lost May.
- What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat? Wendy's
- Where is Peter Pans favourite place to eat out? Wendy's
- What do they call Peter Pan in China? Peter Wok
- A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates. [cr
- What is Peter Pan known as in Asia? Peter Wok
- why does peter pan keep flying? because he neverlands
- How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland? She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
- What do you call Spiderman when he parks his car? Peter Parker
- What's Peter pans favourite fast food restaurant? Wendy's
- I'm done making Peter Pan jokes They Never land
- Where does Peter Pan like to eat out? Wendy's.
St Peter Jokes
Here is a list of funny st peter jokes and even better st peter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go. If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.
- A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in. St Peter opens the door. He looks down at the cat and snarls Egh, what is it now, in or out?!
- Why did Jesus change St Peter's name? Because otherwise everyone would listen to what Simon says, and not what Jesus says.
- Steve jobs goes to Heaven.. .. As he steps up to the pearly gates, St. Peter looks at him with a frown on his face, points downwards and says: You know how we feel about Apples up here.
- Imagine that you reach the pearly gates after you die.. and St. Peters begins by asking you "so, how was heaven?"
- Why is the founder of Comcast going to purgatory? He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter said was, "Please hold. Your soul is very important to us."
- - Doctor, do you think this headache I have is bad? - What do you mean by "doctor"? I am St Peter!
- Being late to the crucifixion, St. Peter asks: "Gosh, what happened to Jesus?" "He died four hours since."
- I just got an email from St. Peter saying i would need to front some initial costs to get into heaven I feel like this whole "phisher of men" thing is getting a little out of hand
- ST. Petersburg is a city of God wana know why? Because he *literally* has his Peter on all over it!
Saint Peter Jokes
Here is a list of funny saint peter jokes and even better saint peter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Jehovah's Witness
I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???
- Girl, you must be Saint Peter... Cuz you've denied me three times already.
- Why are there no accordion players in heaven? They can’t get past Saint Peter’s “No Squeezeboxes” sign.
- What did God say to Saint Peter, when giving him control of the weather? You have free rain!
(had this idea in the shower, so it's technically a shower thought?) - What did Saint Peter name his first born son? Saint Repeater
- A man walks up to the pearly gates Saint Peter asks, "How did you get here?"
The mans answers, "Flu." - What did a horse say to Saint Peter? Am I in hayven?
- Why was Saint Peter so good at basketball? He denied Jesus 3 times
Peter Pan Jokes
Here is a list of funny peter pan jokes and even better peter pan puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands
- Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
I'm sorry - You should always upvote a joke about Peter Pan, even if you have heard it before. It never gets old.
- My friend decided to go Indoor Skydiving dressed as Peter Pan I told him "You'll neverland!"
- I like to spoil the plot of Peter Pan for people. Never gets old.
- Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are actually the souls of aborted kids That explains Captain Hook
- Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he can Neverland.
- Just told my joke about peter pan again. Never gets old.
- Nobody likes my Peter Pan joke... It Neverlands
- Why doesn't Peter Pan fight? Because his punches Neverland.
Peter Parker Jokes
Here is a list of funny peter parker jokes and even better peter parker puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many superheroes can you fit in one car? Five
Two in the front
Two in the back
And Peter Parker in the ash tray - Tony Stark wasn't crying There was just some Peter Parker in his eye.
- What would you call Spider Man if he was a valet? Peter Parker
- Why did Peter Parker get fired? He spent all day on the web.
- someone tried to tell stan lee this joke during his panel at comic con this week end what do you call spiderman when he quits the daily bugal and starts working as a valet?
peter PARKER.
- What does Spider-Man and your mouth have in common? They're both Peter Parkers.
- My doctor's name is Peter Parker But I just call him Web MD
- What's the difference between spider man and superman? peter parker can shoot webs. clark kent.
- Why is Spiderman gay? He's a Peter Parker.
- Did you know Spider Man can drive without using his hands? That's why his name is Peter Parker.
Cheerful Fun Peter Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about peter you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean martin jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make peter pranks.
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"
The pharmacist
Peter walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store.
The next day he comes in again, buys condoms, and walks out laughing.
Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.
Sure enough, Peter comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.
So did you follow him? asks pharmacist
Yup.
Where did he go?
Your house.
Three nuns at the pearly gates with St. Peter.
St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."
The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."
The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."
The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.
St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'."
Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."
A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest p**... suit."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."
Three nuns
Sisters Anne, Mary, and Teresa are driving across the country when they are in a car c**... and all die tragically.
In heaven, the three of them are standing in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter is standing before them. He says to them, "Sisters, I understand that you are all women of faith, and I would be more than happy to let you into heaven without hesitation, but as it is the rules, I must ask you each one question that you must answer correctly before I can let you enter"
The nuns all agree and Sister Anne steps forward first.
"Sister Anne, what was the name of the first man?"
She barely misses a beat before announcing happily "Adam!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and she enters.
Sister Mary then steps forward and St. Peter asks her, "Sister Mary, what is the name of the first woman?"
"Eve!"
*Gong!*
The gates open and Sister Mary enters heaven.
St. Peter then addresses Sister Teresa, "Teresa, what is the first thing that Eve said when she saw Adam?"
Sister Teresa thinks for a minute... two minutes... three minutes.. then mutters to herself "That's a hard one..."
*Gong!*
Three men died on Christmas Eve...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".
The Pearly Gates and the Brothers
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.
St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."
St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Pete: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."
"Who. The black guys?" asked God.
"No. The Gates."
A golfer and heaven
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
A recently deceased man was being shown around heaven.
St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.
The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.
St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."
Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...
...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."
The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.
The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.
The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.
A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...
The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"
A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.
St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
Two guys died in a car c**......
There were these two friends, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time." St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven. Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied,"here's a picture of my wife, and I never cheated on her." St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven. After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your wife on a skateboard."
Three guys show up in heaven
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .
"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."
"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."
"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.
"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.
A bus full of ugly people crashes
A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone inside now stands at the gates of heaven. St. Peter announces to them "Before you enter heaven, I will grant unto each of you one wish." He approaches the first ugly person and the man says "I wish I was beautiful." Right as he says this the last ugly person in line starts to chuckle. So one by one St. Peter goes down the line, each person wishes "I wish I was beautiful", and every time someone wishes that, the last person laughs harder and harder. Finally, St. Peter reaches the last man, who at this point is on the ground crying he's laughing so hard. St. Peter asks him "Well, what is your wish?" to which the man replies, "Make them all ugly again!"
Judgement day
Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.
The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".
Peter is different
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".
"I have married a ton of women but not once have I ever had s**.... It's unfair!" a man complained in a bar.
"well," said the bartender, "what were you expecting, Father Peter?"
Sorry... dad joke.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook
where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.
Jesus holds up the bread...
Jesus holds up the bread and says, "This is my body."
Next, Jesus hold up the wine and says, "This is my blood."
After that, Jesus holds up the mayonnaise and Peter says, "That's enough!"
A dead lawyer
lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the gates of heaven.
He asks St Peter "Why am I here? I was healthy, and so young!"
St Peter replies "Young? You were 103 years old!"
The lawyer says "What? No! I was 36!!"
St Peter looks at his ledger and then says "Ahh, I see the problem. We were going by hours billed."
So a man dies and goes to heaven...
When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.
Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."
2 Trump Supporters go to heaven
St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."
Queen Elizabeth and dolly parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a d**... bottle and douches herself.
St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.
St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.
Two spiders are at another spiders f**....
"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"
"Starvation."
Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...
Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."
Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."
Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven
At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".
Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".
So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.
A couple dies and goes to heaven
They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"
Peter Dinkalage has been accused of s**... harassment.
He allegedly told the woman that her hair smelled nice.
I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.
Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery
[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?
It was his biggest role to date.
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.
He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
"relax Peter, it's just a small cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous"
*... said the doctor.*
"Doctor, my name isn't Peter..."
"I know, I'm Peter."
A man dies and goes to heaven
He sees Saint Peter, and starts to tell him a joke
"Masterchief and Cortana walk into a bar.."
Saint Peter cuts him off
"Is this about Halo?"
"Yeah"
"Don't bother, its just going to go over my head"
What do you call spiderman after he lost his powers, but still jumps from building to building?
Peter Parkour
(-my brother)
A priest dies and goes to the gates of Heaven
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
Three nuns die and go to Heaven...
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.
"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.
"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.
"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.
"The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.
"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.
"Oh, that's a hard one..."
The gates swing open.
A blonde, brunette, and a red-head go to heaven
They meet St. Peter at a staircase with 100 stairs
St. Peter says, "To get to the gates, you need to climb the stairs, but on each stair is a joke or a riddle. If you laugh, you have to start over."
The red-head goes first. She gets to the first step and laughs.
The brunette goes next. She gets to the thirty second step, then laughs.
The blonde goes last. She got to the final step, and laughed.
St. Peter asks, "You were so close. Why did you laugh?"
The blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.
1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"
Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet
There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.
As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.
The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.
Thinking quickly, John said "Woof woof"
The policeman shrugged and said "Ohhh, its just a dog"
He then went up Peter's box, and kicked it.
Peter followed John's example, "Meow meow"
The Policeman shrugged again and said "Ohhh, its just a cat"
He then went to the last box, which hid Jose and kicked it
"Potato Potato"
A lawyer goes to heaven...
...and finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?"
"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates
A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.
For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.
Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.
"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"
St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...
He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.
A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."
The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"
God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."
The flat earther exclaims, "Holy c**...! This conspiracy runs deeper than I thought!"
h**... dies and goes in front of a h**... gate...
St. Peter is waiting, judging him.
They stand in silence when h**... breaks it:" St. Peter, where am I?"
"h**..., h**...." he responds.
"Ya, ya, Heil h**..., but where am I?".
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven
When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"
St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."
The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?"
St. Peter responds, "We added up your client billing time sheets."
A man dies and arrives at Heaven
As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."
"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing.
"That's Mother Theresa's clock, it's hands have never moved."
"Wow! And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock, it's hands have only moved twice."
The man asks, "Where is Boris Johnson's clock?"
St Peter replies, "We're using it as a ceiling fan"
I told my wife I'm going to start calling her Peter the Apostle.
After she denied me three times.
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him Can we get married in heaven?
St. Peter says Hold on, I'll check.
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says Yes, you can get married in heaven.
The couple then asks What about a divorce?
St. Peter replies I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take to find a lawyer?
The consultant dies and goes to heaven
When he meets Peter at the Gate, he protests:
'I am only 53, why did you take me so early?'
'You're 83, Peter replied, it was time.'
'How did you get that number, I know I am 53 and I have my birth certificate to prove it,' the consultant replied.
'We added up your time sheets', Peter said.'
Queen Elizabeth arrives to Heaven ...
St Peter lets her in and gives her a tour around the heavenly garden.
-Here are all your family members, previous pets and people of historical significance during your reign.
Liz looks around this multitude of people who wave at her, smiling. Suddenly she stops and calls St.Peter aside.
-What the F***?, Diana has a bigger halo than me!! I reigned for decades, saw my country trough wars and depressions and wars again, gave god, freedom and peace to nations all around the world, surely I deserve a bigger halo than her!!
-Your Majesty, that is a steering wheel...
What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common?
They both lead Russia to the 18th century.
A lawyer goes to heaven
St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks "Are you sure it is my time? I'm not that old?"
St Peter says "What do you mean? You're 86 years old."
The lawyer says "No I'm not...I'm only 58. Why do you think I'm 86?"
St Peter says "Well, we just added up all of the hours you've billed to your clients."
After a 2000 year absence, the v**... Mary takes a trip down to earth.
After a couple of days, she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the v**... Mary. I met a man." Peter says to her, "That's not bad. This is how it is down on earth."
The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the v**... Mary. I kissed the man. Is that bad?" Peter says to her, "No, that's part of life on earth."
The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is Mary."
