pete Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious pete puns

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old

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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," says the bartender.

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Well, neither would Pete,"

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Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

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Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

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A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?
His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly.
The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?"
Pete responds, "I don't remember."

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God's Vacation

God decides he'd like to take a vacation. So he goes to St. Peter at the pearly gates and asks,

"Pete, I need a vacation, being God is fucking stressful. Where should I go?"

St. Peter says, "well Pluto has good skiing."

God shakes his head fervently and replies, "no way, I broke my leg there once."

Next, St. Peter suggests Jupiter - "there's an eons-long storm that could be fun."

God says, "no way, I almost got struck by lightning there last time"

So then, St. Peter suggests Earth - "you can do just about anything there."

God fires back, "Fuck that, Pete. I went there 2000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish chick and they're still fucking talking about it!"

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The Pearly Gates and the Brothers




Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.



St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."



St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.



God says to Pete: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"



St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."



"Who. The black guys?" asked God.



"No. The Gates."

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How come Peter Pan is always flying?

Because he Neverlands.

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Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands

I like this joke because it never grows old

This joke is off the hook

Sorry

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The Pope dies.

...and stands in front of St. Peter.
"I would like to get into heaven. I am the pope."
"The what?"
"The pope. Vicar of God on earth."
"Ehm... let me check that. I'll be back."

Pete to God:

"There is a guy outside, calls himself the pope."
"The pope?"
"Yeah, he says he is your Vicar on earth."
"Hmmm. Never heard of him. Let's ask Jesus."

"Son, do you know anything about a pope? He is standing in front of the gates and wishes to enter."
"No idea... but I will talk to him."

A few minutes later Jesus returns, shaking with laughter:
"Apparently this club of fishermen I founded 2000 years ago still exists."

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Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.

As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom.

As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom.

During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us".

Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ....". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands

You should upvote because this joke never gets old

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What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat?

Wendy's

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Where does Peter Pan like to eat out?

Wendy's.

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands

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Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this.

One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk.

He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor.

He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor.

People offered to help him, but he said no each time.

He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.

The next morning, Peter's wife says, "Pete, you bloody worthless idiot, no good drunkard!

You were at the bar last night drinking again!"

Peter was confused. "How did you find out?"

"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

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Peterpan

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.

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What do you call a man under a pile of leaves? - Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years?

Pete.

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Peter Dinkalage has been accused of sexual harassment.

He allegedly told the woman that her hair smelled nice.

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A cowboy walks into a deserted bar...

He sidles up and says, "whiskey, barkeep."


The bartender gives him a whiskey, and the cowboy sips in silence. He looks up and says, "Man. It is *dead* in here. Where the hell is everyone?"


And the barkeep says, "Oh, everyone is out at the hangin'!"


"Well I'll be. Who are they hangin'?"


"Well, my friend. Today they're hangin' Brown Paper Pete."


"Goodness! Now why in tarnation do they call him 'Brown Paper Pete'?"


"Well, pardner, they call him Brown Paper Pete because see here he wears himself a brown paper *hat.*"


"I see..."


"And he's got hisself a brown paper *coat.* Like one of them *frock* coats."


"Mmmm."


"And you ever see a man wearing brown paper pants? He's got those. And brown paper socks. And he puts them into a pair of brown paper *boots.*"


"My word."

The cowboy has another sip.


"Say, barkeep. What are they hangin' him for?"


"*Rustlin'.*"

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.

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A woman wish to buy a Parrot. The prices are $50, $100, $400 and $15.Then she asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper.Then she pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When her husband gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...

"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.

"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.

"Great! have fun" says the mom

"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.

"Have a ball!" says the mother

"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter

"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother

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Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty.

Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away."

Zebra walks over to the pedestal and nervously steps on. The pedestal immediately illuminates with blinding light and a booming voice from above echoes, "WHAT TRUTH DOES THY SEEK MY CHILD?"

Zebra looks up and says "Well, God, i've always wanted to know.. am i black with white stripes? or am i white with black stripes?

The voice echoes again. "YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE." then the light fades.

Zebra looks at St. Peter inquisitively.

Pete says "you're clearly white with black stripes.."

Zebra, "how do you know that??"

Pete, "well if you were black with white stripes, God would have said 'YOU IS WHAT YOU IS'

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands!

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Why is Peter pan always flying?

Because he neverlands

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The Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered the bartender.

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St. Peter and the Lawyer

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five. Fifty five? says Saint Peter. No, according to out calculations, you're eighty two. How's you get that? the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: We added up your time sheets.

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Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:


1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

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My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"

I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is fucking annoying sometimes.

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Two Australian construction workers...

Two Australian construction workers, Pete and Mick, and working on the top floor a high rise building. Pete says to Mick - "I need to take a piss, but there's no dunny up here". Mick suggests that they extend a plank out over the side of the building, supported by Micks weight and that Pete walk out onto the plank to take a leak. They proceed with Micks plan, but mid piss the lunch bell rings. Mick, forgets his role in the plan and walks off to get lunch leaving the plank unsupported and Pete plummets to his death.

Months later, theres a Frenchman, an American and an Aussie sitting in a bar telling tall stories about just how far their countrymen go to get pussy. The Frenchmn tells his story. The American tells his. But the Aussie says - "thats nothing, a few months ago I was walking down the street following some ladies when this Aussie comes roaring out the sky with his dick in has hand screaming CUUUUUUNNT!!!!!!"

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Why is Peter pan always flying?

Because he NEVERLANDS.


This joke is great because it never grows old.

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What's Peter pans favourite fast food restaurant?

Wendy's

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Brown Paper Pete

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

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Jesus arrives at the last supper...

...he walks in and sees a mad party - alcohol, hookers, tables bending under the weight of the food and music thumping. He asks Peter: "what the fuck, Pete?! This was supposed to be a humble going-away dinner; where did you get the cash for all this?!" Peter replies: "I don't know; Judas sold something."

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Why is Peter Pan on the No-Fly list?

Whenever he boards a plane it neverlands

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why is peter pan always flying?

he neverlands

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why is Peter Pan always flying

because he neverlands.

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A women has twins, but gives them up for adoption...

A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"

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Why is peter pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.

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What's Peter Pan's brother's name?

Peter Pot.
He gets so high he never lands.

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Why does Peter pan always fly?

Because he Neverlands

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He Neverlands.

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A convent burns down...

And all the nuns die in the fires. At the gates of Heaven, they are judged one by one by St. Pete. He asks the first nun: "My sister, have you any sin to confess?" "No, St.Pete", she responds. "Then you are free to enter!"


After judging half of the nuns, none seem to have sinned. Then, sister Clair steps forward. Again, St.Pete asks:"Sister, have you any sin to confess?" "Yes, brother!" She sais, "I touched the errect genitals of father Benedict, from the monastery next door!" "Then, " St.Pete sais ,"you shall wash the bodypart of yours, wich touched his genitals ,in this bowl filled with holy water and your sins will be forgiven!"


Upon hearing this, the last nun in line sprints forward and shouts: "St.Pete!Brother!Can i at least gargle before sister Mary washes her butt in the bowl ?!?"

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Why does Peter Pan always fly?

Because he Neverlands!

You're welcome.

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It was reported that Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon just released a number of canines from the local pound

It can now be said that The Who let the dogs out

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Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are actually the souls of aborted kids

That explains Captain Hook

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he never never lands!

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Why does Peter Pan always fly?

Because he Neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

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Two Hobos are walking along a train track.

The one hobo goes to the other hobo, "Did I ever tell you about the best day of my life? I was walking down these very same tracks and out of the corner of my eye I saw a 50 dollar bill stuck between a track. I bought myself a case of Thunder Ripple and me and Sneaky Pete and One Eyed Dan partied all weekend like there was no tomorrow. Man that was a good time."

The other hobo replied, "Wow, that sound great! Let me tell you about the best couple of days of my life. I was walking along these very same tracks too when I came upon a beautiful naked women tied to the tracks. She had skin so fair and voluptuous breasts. I made sweet love her for the whole weekend. Never had a time like that ever again."

"Sweet Jesus, that's incredible" the other hobo practically screamed, "Did she ever go down on you, if you know what I mean?

"Nope. Funny thing that, I never could find her head."

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Why is Peter Pan always flying around?

Because he can never never land

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Why did Peter Parker get fired?

He spent all day on the web.

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Pete and Jenny were long time patients at the mental institution...

...and they had formed a relationship.
They were walking past the pond, Pete fell in and sank, Jenny, with no thought for her own safety, dived to the bottom of the pool and rescued him, she also gave him the kiss of life.
A few days later Jenny was summomed before the board of the hospital and was told that seeing how she had the sense to dive in to rescue Pete she could not be classed as insane, she was going home the day after.
When the nurse was helping her pack, she gave Jenny the bad news..........After you had rescued Pete, he was foubd in the hospital ward, dead, hanging from a beam !
Jenny replied, "yes, I hung him up to dry,can I go home now ?

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he can Neverland

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands. I love this joke because it never gets old.

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Why doesn't Peter Pan fight?

Because his punches Neverland.

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Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife

Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?
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No , she replies sleepily.
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I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I'm getting super powers!
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Emily replies groans: Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!

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Peter is staring up at Jesus on the cross.

Suddenly their eyes meet and Jesus calls out, "Peter! Peter!"

Peter runs to the foot of the cross but he is beaten and forced back by the Roman guards. Once again he looks up when he hears his savior cry, "Peter. Peter."

Jesus's voice is much weaker now and that spurs Peter up the hill to the foot of the cross where he is again beaten and forced back down the hill.

"Peter... Peter." The voice is very weak now and in desperation Peter fights his way to the cross, climbs up near Jesus's head and says, "Yes, My Lord?"

"Peter, I can see your house from here..."

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Why was Peter Pan a bad boxer?

His punches Neverland.

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands!

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Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

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Why does Peter Pan always fly?

Because he Neverlands

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Why do you only see Peter Pan in the sky?

Because he Neverlands

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A woman goes to buy a parrot; the prices are: $100, $200 and $15

She asks "How come one is only $15?"


"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.


When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.


When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.


When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot, and notices the price is only $5. She asks the shopkeeper why its so cheap

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $5.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Little Peter came home riding a red girl's bike one day

...and his mother asks where he got the bike.

Peter explains that he went into the woods with Jennifer and that she had taken off her shirt and pants and told him to grab whatever he desired.

"But, why would I want a pair of girl's pants? So, I took the bike".

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Peter and John walk into a Japanese bar

Peter and John are sitting at the bar. Peter orders some rice wine, and John orders a beer. Peter gets up to go to the restroom. A few moments later, their drinks arrive.

John says to the bartender: this is chilled, can I get a hot cup to keep it warm?

The bartender replies: For your beer?

To which John replies: No, for Pete's sake!

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands.

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Why is Peter pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands.

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So old man Charles is lying on his deathbed.

His great nephew Peter comes to see him, and Charles gets to talking about his life and rambling on, like old men do.

He points out the window and says "Pete, you see that road out there? I built that road myself before there was a town here. I cleared the forest, I leveled the land, I laid the paving stones myself. But my whole life, I have not been known as 'Chuck the roadbuilder'."

Charles, now making a point, points angrily out the window again and says "You see that clinic there?! I donated all the money to build that to take care of my less fortunate neighbors, but am I known as Charles the generous? Or Charles the healer? No! But you fuck one sheep..."

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My Daughter told me this adorkable meta joke today (she's 5).

Her: Daddy, knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Her: Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out, Who's left?

Me: (sigh) Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out, who's left, who?

Her: Repeat.

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How come Peter Pan keeps on flying?

Because he Neverlands

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

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Where does Peter the Great buy his coffee?

Tsarbucks.

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A cowboy rides into a new town,

and stops at the first saloon he sees.

Walks in, and is surprised that the whole place is empty except for the bartender polishing some glasses.

So he asks, "Where is everyone?"

Barkeep looks up from his busy work and replies, "Well, probably at the hanging."

Cowboy asks, "Who you all hanging?

Bartender replies, "Ol' Paper Bag Pete."

"Peculiar name.", says the cowboy.

"Yep", replies the bartender. "He was a peculiar fellow. Made his shirts out of paper bags, his pants out of paper bags...heck, even his boots out of paper bags."

"That is strange, but don't seem illegal. What is he being hanged for?" asked the cowboy

Bartender took a deep breath, "Rustlin'"

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Peter Gabriel, after watching Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" video.

"Well, I certainly don't wanna be HER sledgehammer!"

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Why is Peter Pan always flying

becuase he neverlands

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Peter Dinklage walks into a doctor's office. He says, I'm a Hollywood star. Can I go to the front of the line?

Doctor: I am sorry Sir, but you have to be a little patient.

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Peter Pan is always flying

Because he neverlands.

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Peter Parker was at home alone one day, when suddenly aunt may walks in on him masturbating.

I guess she was the first person to see Spiderman home coming.

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Peter the Builder

Derek and his grandpa, Peter, are sitting up on a hillside. Peter says "you see that wall, I helped build that wall, but do they call me Peter the wall builder? nooo. You see that house? I built that house but do they call me Peter the housebuilder? no. You see that church? I built that church too, but do they call me Peter the Church builder? No! But you fuck one pig...."

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands. This is always funny because it never grows old

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A politican dies

But just as in life so in death, and the divine powers don't really know where to put the guy, is he a good guy or bad guy?
So St. Pete and Lucifer decide to show the deceased what they can offer him in the afterlife.

First it is downstairs, the gates of Hell open, and there's booze, naked chicks, in short sex, drugs 'n rock & roll, all over the place and everyone is happy having a super time.

"Impressive, is it like this all the time?" asks the Politican

"All the time" Promises Lucifer

"Ok, let's see what Pete has to offer"

The elevator goes upstairs, and St. Peter opens the pearly gates, and gives him the tour, people are being handed out wings, haloo and a harp at the gates and continue flying up in the skies playing the most wonderful music, but beside that, there's not much happening.

"Hmm this all seems nice and such, but I think it would become kinda boring in the long run, so I'll take my chances with the party downstairs."

And down the elevator goes again, the gates of Hell open again, but this time people are standing on their heads in knee deep shit, while their feet get grilled by small dæmons. People get get put through all kinds of torment without the suffering ending, and there are screams of pain and misery all over the place.

Slightly shocked the politican asks Lucifer

"what happend to the party and all that nice life?"

"Oh that was just my sales pitch to get elected"

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A young couple were walking home after a night out

Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says: "I need a piss" an goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.
Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling between Mary's legs. He says "have you changed sex?"
Mary says "no, I have changed my mind, I am having a shit!"

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Why does Peter Pan always fly?

He Neverlands.

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A lawyer dies and goes to heaven

He gets to the gate and sees Saint Pete. No fair the lawyer says, I am only 45.
Saint Pete says no, we got a new system. We do it by billable hours, our system says you are 135

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Why are Peter Pan's jokes not funny?

Because they Neverland

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.
At first, I didn't get this joke. I was lost, boys. But I love this joke, it never grows old, and it has a nice hook.

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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

...When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replies.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asks. "Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"


"Rustling," says the bartender.

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Why does Peter Pan Fly?

Because he Neverlands.

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What do you call an SEO expert who praises Google?

"Kneel" Patel

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He can neverland

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Where does Peter Pan eat out?

He eats out at Wendy's

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3 guys just arrived to heaven and...

3 guys just arrived to heaven and then Jesus proceeds to call by their names:

- "Rand" kiss my hand!

- "Pete" kiss my feet!

Then Jesus: Rick!? Why are you running?

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Peter Dinklage is a Star!

He is a White Dwarf.

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What happens when Peter Pan tries to throws punches?

They Neverland.

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.

I love that joke because it never gets old.

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Little Peter was on his classroom

his the teacher asks, if I have five birds on a branch and I throw a stone to one of them, how many I have left ...
None teacher ... ..

Why not Peter? ....

no teacher because the others fly away from the fright ....

That's wrong Peter but I like your way of thinking ......

The next day Peter goes to his teacher and ask her, now I am going to ask a question, if you see two women eating an ice cream and one of them is sucking and the other is biting, which one who is married ???? ....

After a little thought the teacher says a little confused, I guess the one who is sucking ...

No teacher, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think ...

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What's Peter Pan's least favorite part of a song?

The hook

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What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?

A Diction Fairy

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Why is Peter Pan Always Flying?

Because he Neverlands

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You hear Pete Carroll is getting recruited for a new job..

Yeah, he is getting offers from the Pope at the Vatican! The Pope said that if he can make 100 million people say "Jesus Christ" at the same time, he needs to work for the Catholic Church

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How did Peter Parker know Mary Jane was cheating on him?

He spied her man.

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What's Peter Pan's favorite drug?

Roofie-ooooooooo

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Two old, drunk friends are in a bar reminiscing about their love life...

Pete: "John when I was 20, and ready to make love, mine was as hard as an iron rod, it was impossible to bend it."

John replies: "Yeah, me too. It was impossible to bend, but when I turned 30 I could bend it a little bit."

Pete: "True, when I turned 40 I could bend it more than a little bit"

John:"Yeah...same here... in my fifties I could actually bend it quite a lot."

Pete:"Me too, but in my sixties I could almost bend it in half."

"same with me" John replies and takes a sip of his beer "..... Pete... how strong do you think we are going to get?"

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What is Easter?

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die simultaneously and are instantly before St. Peter and heaven's gate.

"In order to be allowed in, you must tell me, what is Easter?" exclaims St. Pete.

The brunette answers first. "Easter is when we celebrate the birth of Jesus!"

St. Peter says no and sends her to hell.

The redhead then answers, "Easter is when we celebrate love and buy each other gifts, chocolate, and flowers!"

Again, St. Pete says no and sends her to hell.

Finally the blonde answers, "Easter is when the Romans executed Jesus by hanging him on a cross and burying him a big tomb!"

Astonished, St. Pete encourages her to go on.

"I know, I know, there's more." the blonde reassures him. "Every year he comes out of his tomb, and if he sees his shadow, there'll be six more weeks of winter!"

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Why are Peter pan Jokes always funny?

Because they never grow old

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Peter and Griselda were walking home from the pub one night....

....when Griselda says, "I need a piss!" and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Peter puts his hand through the bush and feels around a bit.


Lo and behold, Peter is sure he feels something dangling between Mary's legs.

He says "have you changed sex?"

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he never lands. The joke never gets old so please upvote.

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Which of Peter Parker's guardians would keep his secret?

His uncle wouldn't, but his aunt may.

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Why does Peter always fly?

Because he Neverlands

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I offered Pete Carroll $1 million to run a mile

He passed.

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Pete Carroll was approached by a prostitute offering to cheer him up on the house after the super bowl.

He said, 'I'll pass."

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Pete and Repeat were sitting on a bridge, Pete fell off, who was left?

Repeat

Pete and Repeat were sitting on a bridge, Pete fell off, who was left?

Repeat

Pete and Repeat were sitting on a bridge, Pete fell off, who was left?

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He Neverlands as it's always wendy

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Why did Peter Pan know he could beat Captain Hook in poker?

Peter knew Captain Hook had lost at least one hand.

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Peter Dinklage has apologised for tweets expressing support for white supremacy

It's all right, he's just a little racist.

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Why is peter pan always flying?

Because he neverlands

I like this joke because it never grows old

It has a nice hook

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How does the cannibal like his whiskey?

With a taste of Pete

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He Neverlands

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Why is Peter Pan such a terrible pilot?

Because he Neverlands

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Peter died and was reincarnated.

He was now called Re-Peter.

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

because he neverlands!

jkjk it's cuz of the pixie dust. tinker Bell is his slave, #freetink

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why is peter pan always in the air?

Because he neverlands

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What is Peter Pan's favorite place to eat?

Wendy's

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he never lands.

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What does Peter Parker wish he would have went to school for?

Web design.

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

-I saw this on twitter today and laughed, so I thought I would share.

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Where does Peter Gabriel get his video games from?

Steam

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Why would peter pan make a terrible pilot

Because he'd neverland.

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Did you hear that Vince Gilligan (of Breaking Bad fame) is now working for Nickelodeon?

The first show he's signed on to do is The Adventures of Skinny Pete & Pete

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.

[A repost, but this joke never gets old.](#s)

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Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off, who was left?

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Why was Peter Pan fired from his job as a pilot?

He could neverland

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Pete and Repeat were on a boat in the middle of a lake.

Pete fell off. Who's left?

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Pete Rose had a 90 second ovation at the all star game. It brought a tear to his eye....

Because he took the over.

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.

That joke never gets old...

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Cuz he neverlands.

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Why is Peter Pan always flying..?

He 'neverlands'

*badum tss*

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Why Peter Pan is always flying?

He Neverlands.

(This joke never gets old)

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Why does Peter Pan never stop flying?

Because he Never Lands.

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Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete falls out. Who is left?

Repeat.

Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete falls out. Who is left?

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Peter Dinklage to play a Borg in new Star Trek film

His designation : One of seven.

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Peter Pan has flown to all of the countries in the world...

but never Netherlands

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Why does Peter Pan always fly?

Cause he NeverLands

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Peter Dinklage gets wallet stolen at 'Game of Thrones' premiere

How could anyone stoop so low?

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Why is Peterpan always flying?

He neverlands.

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What are the best Pete puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Pete? Well, here are the best jokes about Pete to have fun with.

Joko Jokes