Pete Jokes
101 pete jokes and hilarious pete puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pete that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with the best of Pete Davidson's jokes! From his unique takes on teething babies and Kanye West, to his hilarious one-liners about Ariana Grande and Kim Kardashian, this collection of Pete's best jokes and casts will have you in stitches!
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Funniest Pete Short Jokes
Short pete jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pete humour may include short teething baby jokes also.
- What do you call a man under a pile of leaves? - Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years? Pete.
- It was reported that Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon just released a number of canines from the local pound It can now be said that The Who let the dogs out
- What did Pete Townsend say when Roger Daltrey told him that he'd lost his favorite old lime-colored belt? "Relax. It's only a green, aged, waistband."
- I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads.
It was fascinating.
I love to hear the pitta patter of tiny Pete. - Pete Townshend and Keith Moon were arrested last night after releasing 1000 pugs from a cosmetic company's testing facility. The Who let the dogs out.
- Knock knock Who's there?
Pete Townshend was lead guitarist for the.
Pete Townshend was lead guitarist for the who?
Yes. - I like this new Democratic candidate, Pete Buttigieg. Some people think he's not experienced enough... But it's my vote, so I'll Buttigieg of that.
- Did you hear that Vince Gilligan (of Breaking Bad fame) is now working for Nickelodeon? The first show he's signed on to do is The Adventures of Skinny Pete & Pete
- Pete and Repete are sitting on a fence. Pete falls off. Who's left? Pete and Repete are sitting on a fence. Pete falls off. Who's left?
- Pete Rose had a 90 second ovation at the all star game. It brought a tear to his eye.... Because he took the over.
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Pete One Liners
Which pete one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pete? I can suggest the ones about pat and john.
- I check my girl's phone every day I have to make sure she's not talking to Pete Davidson
- Why does Pete take painkillers? For Pete's ache
- Why did Peter put Icy-Hot on his sore shoulder? For Pete's ache.
- I offered Pete Carroll $1 million to run a mile He passed.
- How does the cannibal like his whiskey? With a taste of Pete
- What do Pete Rose and Adrian Peterson have in common? They are both switch hitters.
- What do you get when you cross a pizza and cake? For Pete's sake!
- Seattle COULD have won the Super Bowl, but Pete Carroll said: I'll pass.
- I hope surnames are not preditive of the afterlife For Pete's sake.
- So Pete Burns is dead. He's not being buried though, they're recycling him instead.
- Pete and Repeat went into a bar, Pete came out who was left?
- What is Pete Davidson's go to Starbucks order? Grande coffee with sweetener
- How does Jar Jar Binks order a pizza from a guy named Pete? Pete-sa!
- What do you call the old-school photo showing dude who loves candy? Dia-Pete.
- Sheesh! I wish they'd just let Mr. Rose into the Baseball Hall of Fame, For Pete's sake!
Pete Carroll Jokes
Here is a list of funny pete carroll jokes and even better pete carroll puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Tom Brady originally offered that Chevy Colorado to Pete Carroll... ...however, Carroll said "I'll pass."
- Pete Carrol has kidney stone complications. It should have been removed by surgery....
(wait for it)....
But he decided to try to pass it.
Pete Townshend Jokes
Here is a list of funny pete townshend jokes and even better pete townshend puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard Pete Townshend is a Buddhist now. I went to his concert the other night. He was talking about regeneration.
Pete Rose Jokes
Here is a list of funny pete rose jokes and even better pete rose puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Pete Rose was asked if he thought he'd ever make it into the Baseball Hall of Fame. "I wouldn't bet on it."
- Pete Rose would not make a World Series prediction during the pregame coverage. I guess he's not a betting man.
Howlingly Hilarious Pete Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about pete you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean charlie jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pete pranks.
Peter Gabriel, after watching Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" video.
"Well, I certainly don't wanna be HER sledgehammer!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next star wars movie!
They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.
The Paper Cowboy
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," answered the bartender.
HOW'S YOUR PETER BUILT?
A little bit of trucker humor, only I'm not a trucker, so you figure it out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pete Carroll was approached by a p**... offering to cheer him up on the house after the super bowl.
He said, 'I'll pass."
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
-I saw this on twitter today and laughed, so I thought I would share.
Why did Peter Parker get fired?
He spent all day on the web.
You hear Pete Carroll is getting recruited for a new job..
Yeah, he is getting offers from the Pope at the Vatican! The Pope said that if he can make 100 million people say "Jesus Christ" at the same time, he needs to work for the Catholic Church
The Pope invited Pete Carroll to a private audience.
The Pope needed his advice, apparently Pete was the only man on earth that could get one million people, at the same time, to stand up and say "JESUS CHRIST"
What do you call an SEO expert who praises Google?
"Kneel" Patel
3 guys just arrived to heaven and...
3 guys just arrived to heaven and then Jesus proceeds to call by their names:
- "Rand" kiss my hand!
- "Pete" kiss my feet!
Then Jesus: Rick!? Why are you running?
Peter Parker's at a party
He's offered a blunt. "No," He says looking out the window at the skyline. "That's not the mary jane I need."
Peter is different
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".
How did Peter Parker know Mary Jane was cheating on him?
He spied her man.
A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...
"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.
"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.
"Great! have fun" says the mom
"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.
"Have a ball!" says the mother
"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter
"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother
Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are actually the souls of aborted kids
That explains Captain Hook
Little Peter came home riding a red girl's bike one day
...and his mother asks where he got the bike.
Peter explains that he went into the woods with Jennifer and that she had taken off her shirt and pants and told him to grab whatever he desired.
"But, why would I want a pair of girl's pants? So, I took the bike".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's Peter Pan's brother's name?
Peter p**....
He gets so high he never lands.
Pete and Repeat were sitting on a bridge, Pete fell off, who was left?
Repeat
Pete and Repeat were sitting on a bridge, Pete fell off, who was left?
Repeat
Pete and Repeat were sitting on a bridge, Pete fell off, who was left?
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands
You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old
Why did Peter Pan fall out of the sky?
It was too Wendy...
Where does Peter Gabriel get his video games from?
Steam
Why doesn't Peter Pan fight?
Because his punches Neverland.
What's Peter Pan's least favorite part of a song?
The hook
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy
Peter and John walk into a Japanese bar
Peter and John are sitting at the bar. Peter orders some rice wine, and John orders a beer. Peter gets up to go to the restroom. A few moments later, their drinks arrive.
John says to the bartender: this is chilled, can I get a hot cup to keep it warm?
The bartender replies: For your beer?
To which John replies: No, for Pete's sake!
Peter Dinklage to play a Borg in new Star Trek film
His designation : One of seven.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Peter Parker was at home alone one day, when suddenly aunt may walks in on him m**....
I guess she was the first person to see Spiderman home coming.
Peter Dinklage gets wallet stolen at 'Game of Thrones' premiere
How could anyone stoop so low?
Peter died and was reincarnated.
He was now called Re-Peter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
because he neverlands!
jkjk it's cuz of the pixie dust. tinker Bell is his s**..., #freetink
Why did Peter Pan know he could beat Captain Hook in poker?
Peter knew Captain Hook had lost at least one hand.
Which of Peter Parker's guardians would keep his secret?
His uncle wouldn't, but his aunt may.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Peter Dinkalage has been accused of s**... harassment.
He allegedly told the woman that her hair smelled nice.
My Daughter told me this adorkable meta joke today (she's 5).
Her: Daddy, knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Her: Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out, Who's left?
Me: (sigh) Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out, who's left, who?
Her: Repeat.
Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.
I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.
Peter Dinklage walks into a doctor's office. He says, I'm a Hollywood star. Can I go to the front of the line?
Doctor: I am sorry Sir, but you have to be a little patient.
What's Peter Pan's favorite drug?
Roofie-ooooooooo
What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat?
Wendy's
Peter Pan has flown to all of the countries in the world...
but never Netherlands
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Peter Dinklage has apologised for tweets expressing support for white supremacy
It's all right, he's just a little racist.
What do Peter Pan, and Unvaccinated Children have in common?
They never get old.
A kid was walking with his friend Pete, when he suddenly tripped and fell...
The kid let out a loud "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," as he was in immense pain. After a couple of seconds, Pete also let out a loud "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE." The kid just looks at Pete and says...
Thanks for the Re, Pete.
After Peter Jackson's successful launch of World War 1 documentary They Will Not Grow, George Lucas has announced he is making a documentary of World War 2 with remastered footage.
Spoiler: France invades first.
"Hello, I'm Peter, professional pickpocket."
...said the man as he handed me my business card.
Peter and the Messiah were out for walk...
when Peter asks, Master, why do you and your disciples not have nice things? You are the son of God. A king. Why don't you buy something like a new boat, or a palace? The Master stops, puts his hand on Peter's shoulder and says, Jesus saves.
What did Peter Pan say after a night out in Neverland ?
This party was off the hook!
Why was Peter Pan able to fly?
If you got hit in the Peter with a pan you'd fly too
Peter wakes up one morning
"I don't wanna go to the school!"
"Give me one good reason why you should stay home!"
"I can give you three: I don't like the school cafeteria's food, I don't like the teachers and I don't like the students"
"Well, Peter, I've already packed your lunch. You're 54 years old and the principal. GO TO WORK!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pete: hi, I'm Pete
**Peter:** hi, I'm Peter
**Me, super competitive:** I'm Petest
Little Peter
Came in to class one day with burns all over his face.
The teacher asked him what happend.
"Well i bought a crate of fireworks and..."
"There you have it kids, fireworks are a real danger" the teacher interupted
"Thats exactly what my father said as he threw it into the fireplace"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink.
One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.
'You OK?' asked Bill, another of the gang.
'Not really,' sighed Pete. 'This morning my wife told me that she's rationing our s**... life – she's cutting me back to just once a week. I can't believe it.'
Bill put a consoling arm around Pete's shoulder. 'You think you've got it bad – she's cut some guys off altogether!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the dance, Wood-Eye Pete stood awkwardly to the side
Deciding there wasn't much to lose he decided to ask Pudgie Peggy to dance.
"Would you care to dance?" He asked her, gamely.
With enthusiasm Pudgie Peggy eagerly expressed her delight almost yelling, Would I??!!
Pete blushed with shame and quickly defended himself yelling Well you're just a Fat Pig!"
before stomping out with a disgusted frown.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pete goes to a m**... addiction meeting
The meeting had been going on for hours and he really had to pee.
He raised his hand and asked "May I use the restroom?"
The host said that it was alright, once Pete had turned around he heard a voice saying "Ya need a hand?"
My doctor's name is Peter Parker
But I just call him Web MD
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.
While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.
Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to p**... in the boat."
A father's three daughters were heading out of the house to go on dates
The first daughter said, I'm going out with Joe, and we're gonna see a show
The father said, A fine fella! Have fun my dear
The second daughter said, I'm going out with Pete, and we're gonna grab a bite to eat
Sounds wonderful! Have fun my dear
The third daughter said, I'm going out with Chuck, and we're gonna—
Oh no no no you don't young lady!! You march right back upstairs this instant!
~fin~
Pegleg Pete the Pirate decided to retire
He fired his crew, ran his ship aground, and built a small cabin for himself just a short walk from the beach. He enjoyed his quiet life until global warming turned his front yard into a swamp. He couldn't get down to the shore without struggling through muck and mud that was once his peaceful stroll. Finally, he realized only one solution was possible: he was going to have to plank the walk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pete, the serial f**... was thinking of retiring soon...
But hes decided to stick it out for another year...
Cake Day. My current go-to jokes
My two current go-to jokes:
1. Why is a broken drum the best gift? Because you can't beat it.
2. Me: Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who's left?
Them: Repeat.
Me: Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who's left?
Them: Repeat.
Me: Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who's left?
Them: Repeat.
Pete and Repeat walk across a bridge. Pete falls off, who's left?
Admittedly it works better verbally, but my dad always liked to get me with this one. Without fail it would always send 5yr old me into fits of giggles and rage.
The World's Second Oldest Golf Joke
Pete and his buddy go golfing every Saturday. Pete leaves the house about 10 and gets home about four in the afternoon.
One Saturday, he leaves at 10 but doesn't get home until 9 that night.
His wife asks, "Why so late?"
Pete says, "Bud had a heart attack on the second green."
His wife replies, "So, you been at the hospital with him all this time."
Pete answers, "No. No. After the heart attack all I could do was hit the ball and drag Bud, hit the ball and drag Bud"
What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common?
They both lead Russia to the 18th century.
A man dies and goes to heaven…
St. Pete says Welcome to heaven. Any questions?
The man says Yes. God is supposed to be all knowing, all powerful, and benevolent. Frankly, most people are miserable. There is war, disease, poverty, environmental disaster, genocide, all that. What's going on?
St. Pete turns to Gabriel Are these people still running release 0.9.1?
