pete Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious pete stories

What are the best pete puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Pete? Well here is a complete list of the top pete jokes:


Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.


Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands!


St. Peter and the Lawyer

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five. Fifty five? says Saint Peter. No, according to out calculations, you're eighty two. How's you get that? the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: We added up your time sheets.


So a guy walks into a bar with..


My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"

I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is fucking annoying sometimes.


A women has twins, but gives them up for adoption...

A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"


Why is Peter Pan always flying around?

Because he can never never land


Peter Gabriel, after watching Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" video.

"Well, I certainly don't wanna be HER sledgehammer!"


Peter Pfeffer doesn't nut.

he starburstes.


What did Pete Wentz say after his sex change?

Thanks for the Mammaries.


what do Peter Pan and Alexander the Great have in Common?

their middle name


Why did Pete figure out the cockroach was gay? (Sorry heard it off of family member)

Because the cockroach was in the closet!


Paper Bag Pete

Once, a man walked into an old western town and there was nobody around; the streets were entirely deserted. Slightly unnerved by this, he walked into the nearest saloon. The only person inside was the bartender. The man walked up to the bartender and said "Where is everyone." The bartender then informed him "They're all at the hangin." The man asked who was being hung, and the bartender informed him that the poor man was "Paper Bag Pete." The man asked "Really? What a strange name. What's he being hanged for?" At this, the bartender looked up at him and replied, "Rustlin'."


BREAKING NEWS: Pete Townshend has been spotted at an animal shelter releasing a pack of greyhounds into the London streets, causing mass chaos. He is believed to have accomplices with him...

Police are now confirming that The Who let the dogs out.

-Brad Sherwood


A cowboy walks into a deserted bar...

He sidles up and says, "whiskey, barkeep."

The bartender gives him a whiskey, and the cowboy sips in silence. He looks up and says, "Man. It is *dead* in here. Where the hell is everyone?"

And the barkeep says, "Oh, everyone is out at the hangin'!"

"Well I'll be. Who are they hangin'?"

"Well, my friend. Today they're hangin' Brown Paper Pete."

"Goodness! Now why in tarnation do they call him 'Brown Paper Pete'?"

"Well, pardner, they call him Brown Paper Pete because see here he wears himself a brown paper *hat.*"

"I see..."

"And he's got hisself a brown paper *coat.* Like one of them *frock* coats."


"And you ever see a man wearing brown paper pants? He's got those. And brown paper socks. And he puts them into a pair of brown paper *boots.*"

"My word."

The cowboy has another sip.

"Say, barkeep. What are they hangin' him for?"



Pete and Jenny were long time patients at the mental institution...

...and they had formed a relationship.
They were walking past the pond, Pete fell in and sank, Jenny, with no thought for her own safety, dived to the bottom of the pool and rescued him, she also gave him the kiss of life.
A few days later Jenny was summomed before the board of the hospital and was told that seeing how she had the sense to dive in to rescue Pete she could not be classed as insane, she was going home the day after.
When the nurse was helping her pack, she gave Jenny the bad news..........After you had rescued Pete, he was foubd in the hospital ward, dead, hanging from a beam !
Jenny replied, "yes, I hung him up to dry,can I go home now ?


Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence...

Pete fell off and who was left? Repeat!
Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence, Pete fell off and who was left? Repeat!
Pete and Repeat were sitting on a fence....


St. Peter

There was a catholic church in Mexico that wasn't doing to well. The Priest wrote a letter to the vatican saying that they needed help to get there attendance up. The vatican responded saying "Send one of your nuns to pick up a relic of our religion."

The very next day the priest sent a nun to pick up the relic. When the nun got to the vatican they gave her a small chest with the beard of St. Peter.
On her way back curiosity got the best of the nun and she oped the chest to see what the beard looked like. Right as she opened a gust of wind emptied the contents of the chest. The nun thinking to herself she quickly reacted and shaved her privates closed the box and hoped the priest wouldn't open the chest.

She was greeted by an excited Priest. "What did we get ?', he asks.

She replies " the beard of St.Peter".

He opens the chest and says "let's check if its real". The priest takes a huge sniff from the chest and exclames " Ahh these are definitely St.Peters beard because he was a fisherman !"


Why does Peter Parker have a shower in his apartment?

He can't get out of a bath.


God's Vacation

God decides he'd like to take a vacation. So he goes to St. Peter at the pearly gates and asks,

"Pete, I need a vacation, being God is fucking stressful. Where should I go?"

St. Peter says, "well Pluto has good skiing."

God shakes his head fervently and replies, "no way, I broke my leg there once."

Next, St. Peter suggests Jupiter - "there's an eons-long storm that could be fun."

God says, "no way, I almost got struck by lightning there last time"

So then, St. Peter suggests Earth - "you can do just about anything there."

God fires back, "Fuck that, Pete. I went there 2000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish chick and they're still fucking talking about it!"


The Pearly Gates and the Brothers

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.

St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Pete: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."

"Who. The black guys?" asked God.

"No. The Gates."


Where did Peter Cottontail have to go when he lost his tail?

To the re-tail store. (a patient told me this one today and I haven't seen/heard it yet).


A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"


A politican dies

But just as in life so in death, and the divine powers don't really know where to put the guy, is he a good guy or bad guy?
So St. Pete and Lucifer decide to show the deceased what they can offer him in the afterlife.

First it is downstairs, the gates of Hell open, and there's booze, naked chicks, in short sex, drugs 'n rock & roll, all over the place and everyone is happy having a super time.

"Impressive, is it like this all the time?" asks the Politican

"All the time" Promises Lucifer

"Ok, let's see what Pete has to offer"

The elevator goes upstairs, and St. Peter opens the pearly gates, and gives him the tour, people are being handed out wings, haloo and a harp at the gates and continue flying up in the skies playing the most wonderful music, but beside that, there's not much happening.

"Hmm this all seems nice and such, but I think it would become kinda boring in the long run, so I'll take my chances with the party downstairs."

And down the elevator goes again, the gates of Hell open again, but this time people are standing on their heads in knee deep shit, while their feet get grilled by small dæmons. People get get put through all kinds of torment without the suffering ending, and there are screams of pain and misery all over the place.

Slightly shocked the politican asks Lucifer

"what happend to the party and all that nice life?"

"Oh that was just my sales pitch to get elected"


What did Pete Buttigieg do to Trump after the election?

Creamed his ass!

But lost the election.


Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.

As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom.

As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom.

During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us".

Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ....". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".


Why didn't Peter Jackson cast any black actors in The Lord Of The Rings?

He was afraid they wouldn't be taken on their merits, that they'd just be seen as Tolkien blacks.


Peter Pan is always flying...

...Its like he never lands!


Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty.

Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away."

Zebra walks over to the pedestal and nervously steps on. The pedestal immediately illuminates with blinding light and a booming voice from above echoes, "WHAT TRUTH DOES THY SEEK MY CHILD?"

Zebra looks up and says "Well, God, i've always wanted to know.. am i black with white stripes? or am i white with black stripes?

The voice echoes again. "YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE." then the light fades.

Zebra looks at St. Peter inquisitively.

Pete says "you're clearly white with black stripes.."

Zebra, "how do you know that??"

Pete, "well if you were black with white stripes, God would have said 'YOU IS WHAT YOU IS'



You've red some of the best pete jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 29 puns about pete. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty pete gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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