pete Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious pete puns

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Well, neither would Pete,"

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Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

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Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

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How come Peter Pan is always flying?

Because he Neverlands.

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Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands

I like this joke because it never grows old

This joke is off the hook

Sorry

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What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat?

Wendy's

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Peterpan

Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.

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What do you call a man under a pile of leaves? - Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years?

Pete.

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Peter Dinkalage has been accused of sexual harassment.

He allegedly told the woman that her hair smelled nice.

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A woman wish to buy a Parrot. The prices are $50, $100, $400 and $15.Then she asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper.Then she pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When her husband gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...

"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.

"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.

"Great! have fun" says the mom

"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.

"Have a ball!" says the mother

"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter

"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother

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The Pearly Gates and the Brothers




Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.



St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."



St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.



God says to Pete: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"



St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."



"Who. The black guys?" asked God.



"No. The Gates."

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The Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered the bartender.

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St. Peter and the Lawyer

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five. Fifty five? says Saint Peter. No, according to out calculations, you're eighty two. How's you get that? the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: We added up your time sheets.

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Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this.

One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk.

He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor.

He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor.

People offered to help him, but he said no each time.

He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.

The next morning, Peter's wife says, "Pete, you bloody worthless idiot, no good drunkard!

You were at the bar last night drinking again!"

Peter was confused. "How did you find out?"

"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

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Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:


1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

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My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"

I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is fucking annoying sometimes.

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Two Australian construction workers...

Two Australian construction workers, Pete and Mick, and working on the top floor a high rise building. Pete says to Mick - "I need to take a piss, but there's no dunny up here". Mick suggests that they extend a plank out over the side of the building, supported by Micks weight and that Pete walk out onto the plank to take a leak. They proceed with Micks plan, but mid piss the lunch bell rings. Mick, forgets his role in the plan and walks off to get lunch leaving the plank unsupported and Pete plummets to his death.

Months later, theres a Frenchman, an American and an Aussie sitting in a bar telling tall stories about just how far their countrymen go to get pussy. The Frenchmn tells his story. The American tells his. But the Aussie says - "thats nothing, a few months ago I was walking down the street following some ladies when this Aussie comes roaring out the sky with his dick in has hand screaming CUUUUUUNNT!!!!!!"

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What's Peter pans favourite fast food restaurant?

Wendy's

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A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?
His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly.
The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?"
Pete responds, "I don't remember."

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Brown Paper Pete

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

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Jesus arrives at the last supper...

...he walks in and sees a mad party - alcohol, hookers, tables bending under the weight of the food and music thumping. He asks Peter: "what the fuck, Pete?! This was supposed to be a humble going-away dinner; where did you get the cash for all this?!" Peter replies: "I don't know; Judas sold something."

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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," says the bartender.

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Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.

As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom.

As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom.

During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us".

Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ....". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".

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A cowboy walks into a deserted bar...

He sidles up and says, "whiskey, barkeep."


The bartender gives him a whiskey, and the cowboy sips in silence. He looks up and says, "Man. It is *dead* in here. Where the hell is everyone?"


And the barkeep says, "Oh, everyone is out at the hangin'!"


"Well I'll be. Who are they hangin'?"


"Well, my friend. Today they're hangin' Brown Paper Pete."


"Goodness! Now why in tarnation do they call him 'Brown Paper Pete'?"


"Well, pardner, they call him Brown Paper Pete because see here he wears himself a brown paper *hat.*"


"I see..."


"And he's got hisself a brown paper *coat.* Like one of them *frock* coats."


"Mmmm."


"And you ever see a man wearing brown paper pants? He's got those. And brown paper socks. And he puts them into a pair of brown paper *boots.*"


"My word."

The cowboy has another sip.


"Say, barkeep. What are they hangin' him for?"


"*Rustlin'.*"

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A women has twins, but gives them up for adoption...

A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!"

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What's Peter Pan's brother's name?

Peter Pot.
He gets so high he never lands.

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The Pope dies.

...and stands in front of St. Peter.
"I would like to get into heaven. I am the pope."
"The what?"
"The pope. Vicar of God on earth."
"Ehm... let me check that. I'll be back."

Pete to God:

"There is a guy outside, calls himself the pope."
"The pope?"
"Yeah, he says he is your Vicar on earth."
"Hmmm. Never heard of him. Let's ask Jesus."

"Son, do you know anything about a pope? He is standing in front of the gates and wishes to enter."
"No idea... but I will talk to him."

A few minutes later Jesus returns, shaking with laughter:
"Apparently this club of fishermen I founded 2000 years ago still exists."

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A convent burns down...

And all the nuns die in the fires. At the gates of Heaven, they are judged one by one by St. Pete. He asks the first nun: "My sister, have you any sin to confess?" "No, St.Pete", she responds. "Then you are free to enter!"


After judging half of the nuns, none seem to have sinned. Then, sister Clair steps forward. Again, St.Pete asks:"Sister, have you any sin to confess?" "Yes, brother!" She sais, "I touched the errect genitals of father Benedict, from the monastery next door!" "Then, " St.Pete sais ,"you shall wash the bodypart of yours, wich touched his genitals ,in this bowl filled with holy water and your sins will be forgiven!"


Upon hearing this, the last nun in line sprints forward and shouts: "St.Pete!Brother!Can i at least gargle before sister Mary washes her butt in the bowl ?!?"

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It was reported that Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon just released a number of canines from the local pound

It can now be said that The Who let the dogs out

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Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are actually the souls of aborted kids

That explains Captain Hook

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he never never lands!

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Two Hobos are walking along a train track.

The one hobo goes to the other hobo, "Did I ever tell you about the best day of my life? I was walking down these very same tracks and out of the corner of my eye I saw a 50 dollar bill stuck between a track. I bought myself a case of Thunder Ripple and me and Sneaky Pete and One Eyed Dan partied all weekend like there was no tomorrow. Man that was a good time."

The other hobo replied, "Wow, that sound great! Let me tell you about the best couple of days of my life. I was walking along these very same tracks too when I came upon a beautiful naked women tied to the tracks. She had skin so fair and voluptuous breasts. I made sweet love her for the whole weekend. Never had a time like that ever again."

"Sweet Jesus, that's incredible" the other hobo practically screamed, "Did she ever go down on you, if you know what I mean?

"Nope. Funny thing that, I never could find her head."

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What are the most funny Pete jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Pete? Well, here are the best Pete dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Pete pick up lines to share with friends.

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