Pet Owners Jokes
55 pet owners jokes and hilarious pet owners puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pet owners that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Pet Owners Short Jokes
Short pet owners jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pet owners humour may include short dog owner jokes also.
- My daughter wants a pet spider for her birthday I went to the pet store, and the owner said "that'll be $200 please", I said "$200?, it'll be cheaper getting one off the web".
- A Man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "Do you have any chameleons?" (Looks around) No idea mate.
- A recent survey has said that 29% of owners sleep with their pets on the bed. I tried it once and my goldfish died.
- Pet shop Have you got any kittens going cheap? Asked a customer in a pet shop.
No, sir, replied the owner. All our kittens go Meow. - My parrots are stuck together... Pet owner: Vet, vet, my parrots are stuck together!
Vet: I'm sorry, I don't understand - it's toucan fusing - The owner of the local pet store let me take a test fish home to see if I'd like one as a pet... ...It was a beta
- I just got kicked out of the pet shop. All I did was ask the owner, "How many calories are there in this fish?"
- The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children: "Please, God, let that be chocolate."
- Why don't hat store owners and pet shop owner get along? Because you can't be a fan of hat care and cat hair.
- Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try... Now she thinks we're dating and keeps talking about rehoming the redhead.
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Pet Owners One Liners
Which pet owners one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pet owners? I can suggest the ones about cat owner and pet dog.
- No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice *No they don't, oh no they don't*
- What's something a good scientist or a bad pet owner would say? I'll be in my lab
- Why did the Pet Store owner call the dentist ? Because his canine's were loose
- What happened to the pet owner who lost his lizard? He had a reptile dysfunction
- What dog breed do Jewish pet owners desire most? A Golden Retriever
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Pet Owners Jokes
What funny jokes about pet owners you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dog lover jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pet owners pranks.
A guy walks into a Raptors bar with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing a "Toronto Raptors" jersey and helmet, and is festooned with "Raptors" pom-poms.
The bartender says: "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desperate.
We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins and Vince Carter does a great slum dunk.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says: "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen!
What does the dog do if Raptors win?"
The owner replies: "I don't know, I've only had him for a half year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.
"Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede says nothing.
Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede again says nothing.
Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede says "I heard you the first time you m**...! I'm putting my shoes on!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a pet store and asked the owner if he sold “duck-food” here.
The owner said; “no, I don’t sell duck food here”.
The next day the duck went back to the same pet store, and asked the owner again if he sold “duck-food” here.
The owner became very angry and said; “if you ask me for “duck-food” one more time, I am going to nail your web feet to the floor!”
The duck came back on the third day and asked the owner of the pet store; “do you sell any hammer and nails here?”
The owner answered; “no, I don’t sell any hammer and nails here”.
The duck then asked; “do you sell any “duck-food” here”?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Guy's Dog Dies
So he goes to the pet store and tells the owner I got $1000 and I want a pet like no other.
The owner says I got a talking centipede that likes telling jokes and going to bar.
Hey I like doing those things.
Sold for $1000!
The guy goes home and asks his $1000 centipede You wanna go to the bar with me. No response. He assumes it is just asleep.
The next day he asks the same question. No response. He thinks he might've been ripped off, but he goes to the bar and has a fun time.
The next day he asks if he wants to go to the bar. No response yet again!
Alright, I spent all my money on you so you better start talking g**...!
The centipede says I heard you the first time, I'm just putting in my shoes.
Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."
Oh, you!
A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."
The owner of an insane asylum has a problem.
The asylum is getting too overcrowded. He has a talk with one of his employees about how he can eliminate the overcrowding of the building. The employee suggests that he asks all the patients a simple question and if they can answer correctly, they can leave. Hopefully, enough patients will answer correctly so the building isn't as cramped. The question is this:
The employee and the owner will ask the patients what they see when a brick is held in front of them.
The first patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"A car." says the patient.
Unfortunately, he has to stay and get treated.
Another patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"A tree." says the patient.
Unfortunately, this patient also has to stay and get treated.
A third patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"Duh, it's a brick." says the patient.
The owner exclaims, "Excellent! You've passed our test. You are free to go. And here, why don't you take the brick with you as a souvenir?"
"Cool! Thanks!" said the third patient.
As the patient walks from the asylum he looks over his shoulder to check if anyone is there. When he sees no one is there, he looks down at his brick and pets it.
"We did it, Fluffy..."
My 2nd Parrot joke!
A woman goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. Before she leaves the owner warns her that the Parrot had previously lived in a brothel and might have picked up some salty language. When she gets the bird home he looks around and says "New house."
She puts the bird down in the house and the parrot observes her for a moment before saying "New Madam."
The woman shrugs and thinks that it's not so bad.
Shortly after the woman's two daughters return from school and see the new pet. The Parrot looks at them and says "New girls."
Then her husband comes home from work and the parrot looks over at him and says: "Hi Bill."
Pet-store parrots.
A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a parrot, he sees 3 next to each other. He goes to the cashier and says, "How much for the first parrot on the left?" the cashier replies "2000$" " 2000$! What can it do for that price?" "It can write and take notes" the owner says. The man nods and asks the price of the second parrot, "5000$" What can that one do? The man asks again. "Oh that one can use the computer and send emails." The man nods again, "Ok how about the last one?" "The last one? 10,000$." The mans jaw drops. "What can that one do?" The pet store owner shrugs and says "I don't have a clue but the other two call him boss."
So a man owns a pet giraffe...
...and one day decides that he is peckish. So he goes down to his local McDonalds, giraffe in tow. He decides that he will have a hamburger; he buys one for the giraffe too. Then decides he's still hungry, so he has some fries. Again, the giraffe gets the same. The man then decides he is thirsty, and the giraffe and the man have a milkshake each. Satisfied, the man leaves with the giraffe. However the mixture has taken its toll on the giraffe, which falls down with a bad stomach. Upon seeing this the owner steps out of the restaurant and shouts, "Hey! Ya can't leave that lyin' there!" to which the man replies, "It isn't a lion! It's a giraffe!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks past a pet shop...
A fairly young widow is walking past a pet shop and she pauses to admire the puppies in the window. As she looks inside, she sees a frog for sale, for £1000. She decides to go in and enquire as to why the frog is so expensive.
The pet shop owner says "this frog is a master of o**... s**..., which is very rare, so he's naturally expensive." The woman is sceptical, so the owner says "look, you can try it out if you like. Come take a seat over here."
The woman walks over and takes a seat, and the frog is placed on the floor in front of her. Nothing happens. The man looks at the frog and says "come on, you know what to do" but, nothing.
So the man turns to the woman and says "maybe it would help if you spread your legs a little, so he can see what he's supposed to do." The woman obliges, but the frog doesnt move.
The shop owner looks at the frog, at the woman, at the frog again, and back at the woman before saying "you know, it might help if you also remove your underwear." The woman removes her underwear and still there is no movement from the frog.
So the shop keeper turns to the frog and says "look, this is the last time I'm going to show you how to do this!"
The Trained Dog
A woman goes to a pet store and asks to buy a trained dog.
The owner walks to the back and shows the woman three dogs.
"Here are our dogs." the owner says, "The first dog knows the commands 'sit', 'stay' and 'lay down'. She costs $500. The second dog knows the commands 'roll over', 'fetch' and 'beg'. He costs $700. The third dog will obey any command he hears and costs $50."
Seeing a good deal the woman buys the $50 dog. She takes it home and tries out some commands.
"Sit" the woman says.
The dog just stands there blinking.
"Roll over" the woman says.
The dog continues to stand there.
"Lay down" she says angrily.
The dog still just stands there.
The woman takes the dog and goes back to the pet store.
"You lied to me!" the woman yells at the owner "You said he would obey any command but it doesn't do anything!"
"I didn't lie to you" the owner said, "I just failed to mention that the dog is deaf."
A silly old man came to my work and told me this joke and it stuck with me.
Out in the middle of the country was a general store.
A man was riding in one day and saw a dog sitting next to the door.
He walks by the dog and goes into the store to get what he needs.
After buying his items he asked the owner of the store if his dog bites strangers.
Which he replied with, "Of coarse not, he's as sweet as granny's iced tea!"
So, as the man leaves he goes to pet the dog and the dog chomps on his
hand. The man yowls in pain and goes back into the store to yell at the
owner.
"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR DOG DIDN'T BITE?!?" he yells.
"He doesn't." the man says, "But, that sir is not my dog"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Disappoiting Frog!
A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner.
"You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my s**... desires!"
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, "Did you do what I told you to do?"
"Yes, d**...! I got n**..., lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!" she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies, "It's a perfectly trained frog. I can't understand what's wrong."
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her p**....
"What?" she shouts.
Turning to the frog, he says, "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I'm showing you this!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
A man's parrot had recently died...
...so he goes to a pet store to get another animal to cheer him up. The pet store owner asks him what he's looking for. The man replies his parrot has recently passed away, and he wants another animal that can talk.
The owner says he doesn't have any parrots, but a centipede that can talk. The man buys the centipede and a cage for it, then heads home. A few hours later, the man wants to see if the centipede can really talk, so he goes up to the cage and asks: "Do you want to go out for something to eat?" There's no reply, so the man asks again, in a louder tone: "Do you want to go out for something to eat?".
Again, no reply. The man gets extremely frustrated, thinking the store owner ripped him off, and yells: "DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR SOMETHING TO EAT!". A tiny voice replies: "I heard you the first time! I was just putting on my shoes!"
A little girl, who is a cancer patient, walks into a local pet store...
...and the little girl asks to the owner who was sitting near the front desk, "Do you guys sell rabbits here?" The owner responds with, "Sorry, but we don't have anymore rabbits. However, we sell hare if you would like some?"
Why did the pet owner get upset with his parrot?
...because he was using too much fowl language
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two older gentlemen are sitting in the patio drinking coffee. one of the gentlemen is accompanied by his dog.
The dog starts l**... himself and the dogless gentlemen says: I wish I could do that. The dog owner replies: you might want to pet him first.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in d**......
they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to p**..., 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
p**... and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place…'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
p**... watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, p**... shakes his head and says, f**... dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too f**...'n dangerous for me!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Chinese man with a lot of cats and dogs?
A pet shop owner you racist s**...!
I went to the pet shop this morning
I said 'can a buy a wasp please'
'We don't sell wasps' said the owner
I said 'well there's two in the window'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a pet store..
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New w**... in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."
An Inuit man walks into a pet store...
An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."
A man went back to a pet store fuming.
"Excuse me," he said to the pet shop owner. "That trained monkey you sold me yesterday died!"
"Wow," the owner replied. "He could never do that trick when I owned him."
A weird order at the pet shop
A guy walks in a pet shop and says: "I want 2 rats, 7 mice, 190 spiders and a pound of flies."
The guy behind the bar lifts an eyebrow and aks: "You're an owner of snakes?"
"No" said the man. "I am moving and they asked to leave the house in the same state."
Pets are like countries.
Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.
Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.
Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.
Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.
The Parrot
Every day, a woman walks by a pet store with a Parrot on a perch right outside the door, and as she walks by the parrot says, "Wow...you're ugly", or some other kind of insult about her looks.
She finally got tired of it and went in and told the owner, "Your parrot insults me every time I pass your store. I'm going away for two weeks and when I get back, if he insults me one more time I'm going to do something I may regret." The shopkeeper tells her..."I'm so sorry. I promise, he'll never insult you again"
Two weeks later, she's walking toward the shop all angry expecting the parrot to insult her...she gets close and they lock eyes...and the parrot says; "YOU know".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pet shop and sees a dog for $10,000
"Why does the dog cost that much?", asked the man. The owner replies, "This dog can do karate. Here, watch."
The owner then walks to a table and speaks to the dog, "Karate this table". The dog lifts a paw and in one swift movement cuts the table into two.
As the man looks on in shock, the owner then says "Karate the b**...." The dog goes to the b**... and breaks it with its paw.
"Amazing!", says the man. "I will buy this dog!". He buys the dog and goes home and tells his wife he bought a dog for $10,000. The wife gets angry.
"Why on earth would you buy a dog for that much money?!"
"Because this dog can do karate."
"Karate my foot!"
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.
The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00
Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.
The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.
The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that this one cost $1000.00,…
because it can do everything the other monkey can do plus he knows the Unix operating system.
Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third monkey to be told that it costs $ 2000.00
Needles to say this begs the question.
What can it do?
To which the owner replies:
To be honest I have never seen him do a thing but the other two call him BOSS.
Cake Day Joke!
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!
She said, I can teach it good manners.
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, Did you learn your lesson? It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.
SO: I know.
FO: How do you know?
SO: My dog told me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl goes to the pet store
She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.
Well sure sweetie! He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny did you have in mind?
So the little girl looks over the bunnies and then back to the pet store owner and replies, quite frankly mister I don't think my snake gives a d**....
A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner for something amazing but also cheap
The owner says that he has a talking fox for only £20. The man says "How rediculous, foxes can't talk and even if they could why would you sell him so cheap?!". While he's asking this a fox comes over, puts his paw on the desk as if to interrupt and says "Actually I can talk. I've written 3 books and climbed up mount Everest for the 5th time yesterday". The man astonished says "wow! But why so cheap?" To which the owner replies "I just can't take the lies anymore".
A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.
Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.
But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior from before. I was entirely out of line."
"Wow," the woman said, "glad to hear it."
"If I may ask," said the Parrot, "what on Earth
did that turkey say to you?"