pet Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious pet stories

What are the best Pet puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Pet? Well here is a complete list of Pet to have fun with:

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs


I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

You've given me one too many.

That one is a freebie.


A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."


Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.


The boss!

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''


What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?



I bought my dog a new toy...

...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".


A little girl walks into a pet store...

A little girls walks into a pet store and looks up at the owner with her big brown eyes.

"Mister," she said in a quite voice, "I would like a little bunny rabbit".

The owner looks down at her with a smile. "And what type of bunny rabbit would you like?" He responded, "A brown little bunny rabbit or a white little bunny rabbit or a black little bunny rabbit?"

"Mister," the little girl replied, "I don't think my python gives a shit."


A man walks into a pet store

A guy goes to a pet store to buy an unusual pet and walks out with a centipede in a white box. Once he gets it home, the guy decides to take the centipede to his local bar and show it to his drinking buddies. He taps on the box and says, 'Would you like to go to McGuire's with me and have a beer?' There's no answer from the centipede. He waits a few moments then says, 'How about you and me going to a bar?' Again, there's no answer. Thinking the centipede can't hear him, the man goes right up to the box and yells, 'Hey! Would you like to go to McGuire's bar and have a drink?!' A little voice comes out of the box, 'I fucking heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes.'


How many PETA memebers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. PETA can't change anything.


The neighbor's pet rabbit

A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.

He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"


Pet Lobster

Game Warden stops a man with a lobster in a bucket and says, it's illegal, it's not lobster season. Man says , he's my pet. I bring him down in the morning, pour him in and come back in the afternoon and let the bucket down into the water and call him. Then he climbs into the bucket and I take him back home. Warden says he doesn't believe him. "I'll show you", says the guy and walks to the end of the pier and pours the lobster into the ocean. They wait a while and the Warden says, "OK , now call the lobster." The guy says,"What lobster?"


Little brother told me this joke, genius.

"Why did Beethoven kill his pet chicken?"
"Because it kept saying "bok bok bok"


Of Blowjobs and Bullfrogs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."


Legs in the Air

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"


What did a Japanese guy name his pet lion?




Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.



A little girl walks into a pet shop. She asks the owner for a bunny, to which he responds "what kind of bunny would you like? A cute black one, an adorable brown one or perhaps a sweet little white one?"

The girl looks at the owner and answers: "I don't think my python really cares..."


The Boss.

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.

The man asks, How much is the yellow one?

The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast.

What about the green one? the man asks. He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes.

What about the red one? the man asks. The assistant says, That one's $10,000.

Curious, the man asks, What does he do? The assistant says, I don't know, but the other two call him boss.


Widdle wabbits

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits? "
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there? "
She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit. "


Wittle Wabbit

little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."


Does your dog bite?

A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."

My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.


Two men are walking down the street...

when they see a dog licking its balls. One of the guys looks at the other and says "I wish I could do that."
The other guy says "I think you should pet him first."


How many PETA mebers does it take to change a lightbulb?



A little girl walks into a pet store and says to the owner...

"Pwease sir can i have a wabbit?"

The store owner looks at the angelic creature in front of him and his heart melts.

"Of course little girl, would you like a white one, or a black one" He asks.

"Well to be honest mithter" replies the girl "I dont weally think my python gives a fuck".


The Harassing parrot.

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey! Hey, you!" it said.

"What?" She asked.

"You *know* what!"


Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he neverlands.


Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."


Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls

first guys says "man, I really wish I could do that!"

seconds guy says "pet him real nice and he'll probably let you"


A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, but do you thell baby bunnieth?".

The pet store owner smiles and says, "Why, yes, sweetheart! We sell all kinds of baby bunnies. Now... what kind of baby bunny would you like? Would you like a baby grey bunny? Or a baby white bunny? Or would you prefer a pretty brown bunny?"

The little girl replies, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."


Hope it's not a repost, heard this on the radio today...

Cheech and Chong are partying down in Tijuana, when they spot a dog up the road a ways.

Looking closer, they see the dog is frolicking about in the intersection, having a great time licking himself.

Cheech exclaims, "Man! I wish I could do that!"

Chong replies, "well... maybe you should try to pet him first, man."


A woman had 2 pet rabbits.

When they both died unexpectedly, she decided to get them stuffed so she took them to a taxidermist.

"Would you like them mounted?" the taxidermist asked.

She thought about it for a moment and said, "no, holding hands is fine".


A PETA activist sees an attractive woman.... .

.......wearing a full length fur coat. Incensed at her, she says to the woman, "Do you know how many fucking animals had to die so you could wear that?
The attractive woman replies, "Do you know how many animals I had to fuck to wear this?


Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands!


A joke as old as the roman Empire

This is so old I might as well tell it with two Roman centurions.

Two centurions are walking down a street in Rome one day. They come upon an alley where a dog is licking his dick.

"I wish I could do that," the first centurion says.

The second one says, "You'd better pet him first."


St. Peter and the Lawyer

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. I'm too young to die. I'm only fifty five. Fifty five? says Saint Peter. No, according to out calculations, you're eighty two. How's you get that? the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: We added up your time sheets.


A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey

He doesn't have any money so he decides to make a bet. "I bet anyone here, drinks for the night, that my monkey can eat anything you give him." A guy playing pool decides to take the bet and hands the monkey the eight ball from the table. The monkey looks at the ball for a second then swallows it whole. Everyone cheers and they go about partying the night away. A few weeks go by the same guy walks back into the bar with the same monkey. The monkey jumps onto the bar and grabs a peanut from a bowl. He then shoves it up his ass, pulls it out, looks at it, then eats it. The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "WTF was that about?" The man replies," Ohh man, ever since that eight ball, he tests everything!"


So, this guy walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder

The bartender says "that's a weird pet what's his name?"

The guy responds, "oh, his name is Tiny."

The bartender then asks "Well that's a weird name, why do you call him that?"

And the guys answers "because he's mynewt!"


I removed the shell from my pet snail...

because I thought it would move around quicker. Now it's just really sluggish


A trucker picks up a hitch hiker

They get a few miles down the road and the hitch hiker notices a monkey sitting on the truckers' head rest.

"Damn man! You got a pet monkey?"

"Well," the trucker replied, "it gets loney out here on the road. I needed some company. I don't like dogs or cats. And monkeys are easy to train."

"So he does tricks?"

The trucker slaps the monkey in the back of the head and the monkey jumps in the truckers' lap, pulls down his zipper and starts to pleasure him. The hitcher can barely watch, looking back and away, back and away. After a whole minute the monkey climbs back to his spot.

"That's crazy man!"

"Well, I told you it gets lonely out here. Wanna try it?"

The hitcher thinks hard and says, " sure.....just don't slap me in the head as hard, OK?"


Me and a friend..

Walk into a pet store and the employee asks "Anything that I can help you find?" and then proceeded to kick us out. apparently dinner wasn't the right answer.



A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."


Two men were walking down the street when they saw a dog licking himself.

Two men were walking down the street when they saw a dog licking himself.

One man said "I wish I could do that."

The other man said "You should probably just pet him first."


A woman walks into a pet shop...

looking for a Birthday present for her husband.Not wanting to spend much money the assistant recommended a large bullfrog trained to give blow jobs.

The wife purchased the bullfrog thinking to herself that she would be off the hook regarding doing blowjobs for her husband.

That night as she lay asleep in bed she was woken by the loud sound of pots and pans being thrown about the kitchen.She went downstairs to find her husband and the frog studying cookery books.

"What are you doing at this hour of the morning" she asked.

Her husband replied" Well if I can teach this frog to cook,you're gone!"


On a whim, I bought a snake yesterday at the local pet store...

Last night, I attempted to feed it a freshly grilled hamburger.
Just the patty, no bread.
The thing is, he wouldn't eat it.
As it turns out,
my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, Hun.


As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, " control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...


I've got a new pet salamander..

I named it Tiny because it is my newt


A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .

The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" and the other guy replies, "No, not at all."
So then the guy asks, "Can I pet him?" and the other guy says, "Sure." As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" which the other person replies, "That isn't my dog."

Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport.


so this guy walks to work everyday

and for years he walks past this pet store.
when he first got the job there was a baby gorilla in the window
now after years of walking by there's a full grown gorilla in the window of this pet shop.
the guy feels bad one day and he decides he to buy it.
he comes home and his wife is like "WTF! WHERE'S IT GONNA EAT?!"
the guy says "at the table, with us."
"in the bed, with us."
the guy pauses and says "I got used to it i suppose it will too"


Two guys are walking down the street

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls.
One guy says: "Man I wish I could do that"
The other guy replies: "Ya, you may want to pet him first"



You've read some of the best pet jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty pet gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these pet jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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