The Best 74 Pet Dog Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Pet Dog jokes. There are some pet dog cat jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these pet dog euthanize puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Pet Dog Jokes and Puns

The difference between cats and dogs

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me ... THEY MUST BE GODS!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me and take good care of me ... I MUST BE A GOD!

Two men were walking down the street when they saw a dog licking himself.

Two men were walking down the street when they saw a dog licking himself.

One man said "I wish I could do that."

The other man said "You should probably just pet him first."

Jets Fan

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.

The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"

After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.

The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

Pet Dog joke, Jets Fan

Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

How cats and dogs think

Dog: These people feed me, pet me, love me, they must be God.

Cat: These people feed me, pet me, love me, I must be a God.


I want to get a dog and name him Peeve,

So when people come over I can say, "This is my pet, Peeve!"

Joe went over to his buddy Bob's house to hang-out and watch football ...

As they were sitting in the living room, Bob's dog walked into the room, laid down on the floor, and began to lick its nuts. Joe looked down at the dog and said "Man, I wish I could do that." To which Bob replied, "Don't you think you ought to at least pet him first."

Pet Dog joke, Joe went over to his buddy Bob's house to hang-out and watch football ...

There once were two drunk guys..

They were sitting outside, when a dog comes along and started licking his nuts.
The first guy leans over to his buddy and says " Hey man, I wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, " Don't you think you ought to pet it first"

Does your dog bite?

Man walking in a park, sees a woman sitting on a bench with a dog at her feet. He walks up to her...
Man: *Does your dog bite?*
Woman: *No*
Man goes and pets the dog, then...
*OUCH!!! I thought you said your dog didn't bite!!!*
Woman: *That's not my dog.*

I bought my dog a new toy...

...but after a few hours it stopped working. I took it back to the pet shop to see if they could fix it. The guy looked at it for a second and said "I'm sorry, sir, but the hamster is dead".

A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here."

The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!"

Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts flipping and jumping after each kick.

"Wow," said the bartender, amazed, "that's great! What does he do when they score a touchdown?"

"I don't know, I've only had him for two years."

You can explore pet dog pinscher reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pet dog puppy dad jokes. There are also pet dog puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A classic...

A man is sitting on a park bench, enjoying the day. Next to him sits a dog.

A jogger comes by and asks, "Does your dog bite?"

"No," replies the man.

The jogger reaches over to pet the dog, who promptly bites him.

"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" exclaims the jogger, nursing his hand.

The man looks up at the jogger and says, "I lied."

Does your dog bite?

A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."

My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.

Dog at the bar

A man's sitting next to a dog at the bar
Woman walks in, "Is your dog friendly? I'm a dog lover, can I pet him?"
Man replies "sure"
Dog proceeds to bite woman
Irate woman to the man, "I thought you said your dog was friendly! "
Man replies, "That aint my dog"

Some guys are talking about pets...

They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.

One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"

The other guys are confused and ask how that was even possible.

"The doberman choked to death."

Do It Yourself?

Two Guys are walking down the street after leaving the bar. When they look across the street and see a dog licking himself. The one guy goes to the other, "man I wish i could do that", and then his friend says, "Don't you think you should try petting him first?"

Pet Dog joke, Do It Yourself?

Hope it's not a repost, heard this on the radio today...

Cheech and Chong are partying down in Tijuana, when they spot a dog up the road a ways.

Looking closer, they see the dog is frolicking about in the intersection, having a great time licking himself.

Cheech exclaims, "Man! I wish I could do that!"

Chong replies, "well... maybe you should try to pet him first, man."

Did you hear about the King who got killed during a torrential downpour, and his only heirs were pets?

It's been reigning cats and dogs ever since

A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .

The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" and the other guy replies, "No, not at all."
So then the guy asks, "Can I pet him?" and the other guy says, "Sure." As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" which the other person replies, "That isn't my dog."

Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport.


I hide photos on my computer of me

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in 
a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won't find them.

What did the rapper ask the pet sitter when he got back from vacation?

Where my dogs at?

Apparently a dog whistle in inaudible to the human ear.

Just think, my pet could be sitting in front of me whistling a tune and I can't hear a thing.

My dog was licking his nuts. My friend said, I wish I could do that.

I said, You better pet him first, he's kind of mean.

Two older gentlemen are sitting in the patio drinking coffee. one of the gentlemen is accompanied by his dog.

The dog starts licking himself and the dogless gentlemen says: I wish I could do that. The dog owner replies: you might want to pet him first.

What pets think about their owners?

A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God.

A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.

Two guys are watching a dog lick its privates.

One guy chuckles and says, "I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "Pet him, maybe he'll let you."

An oldie, but I always liked it.

What do you call an Chinese family with a pet dog?

Vegetarians.

Source: I'm Chinese.

I named my first dog "What".

Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."

The best part about owning a pet.

You can blame your dog for farting,
you can blame your cat for things falling over at night, and you can blame your goldfish for the screaming in the basement.

So I found a Chinese pet carer...

He said he would wok my dog for me

Why didn't the conspiracy theorist make his irreverently named pet sleep outside?

Because 9/11 was an inside dog.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog

The bartender says, "No pets allowed." The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Browns game and you'll see. Whenever the Browns score, my dog does flips." The Browns keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Browns score a touchdown?"
The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

So a man and a wife were walking....

The wife sees a dog licking itself and whispers to her husband
"I wish I could get down like that."
The husband replies "I suggest you ask if you can pet em first"

An animal rights advocate got really upset with me after I told them that I wash my dog with my own shampoo instead of pet shampoo...

...I reassured her that it had already been tested on animals.

A sad day indeed

About a week ago I was walking my dog Fido through the park and a mentally disabled kid ran up to us. Immediately upon reaching my dog he started petting him. My dog is not a violent dog by any means but he was spooked and bit the kid. After this incident he ended up getting put down. It saddens me deeply but at least Fido is ok.

I was going to take my dog to a pet psychiatrist

But he knows he's not allowed on the couch.

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, "No pets allowed."

The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips."

The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?"

The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."

Dog bite

A boy sees a man sitting on a park bench with a dog laying next to him. The boy asks the man, "does your dog bite?" The man replies "no." The boy goes over to pet the dog, who then jumps up and bites the boy's hand. With tears in his eyes, the boy cries "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The man responds "I lied."

My dad's pet rabbit died

My mom said he's almost responsible enough for a dog

There was a robbery at the pet store today

It was a dog-gone catastrophe.

I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

I have a couple pets.....

.... my dog Peeve is the most annoying

A man walks into a pet store

He walks up to the clerk and says "I'm looking for a dog" the clerk says "Okay what kind of demeanor are you looking for" the man says "I'm looking for a guard dog demeanor the better"

Two guys are walking home when they see a dog licking its crotch

One guy looks to the other and says "I wish I could do that." The second guy responds, "Maybe you should try petting him first."

Two cowboys sitting on a fence watching a dog lick his nuts..

One says to the other, "man I wish I could do that" then the other says, "doncha think you should at least pet him first"

A friend of mine had a pet boxer.

Unlike a dog, whenever the doorbell rang he walked over to the corner and sat down.

A dog is licking his private parts

Two men are watching a dog lick his private parts.

First guy says, "I wish I could do that."

Second guy says, "You should probably pet him first."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

WHO let the dogs out joke.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

A Married Couple Go to A Pet Shop.

The person on the floor greets them and says, "Hello, welcome to our pet shop! How can I help you?" The wife responds, "Could you find me a pet leash?" The sales floor person responds, "Sure! Right this way!" And the husband replies, "Don't forget one for the dog!"

Speaking of PET scans, did you guys hear about the new law they passed in Oregon where dogs can no longer operate MRI machines?

Apparently cats can.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.



Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.



Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.



Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.

My dog is one of my best students..

She's definitely the teacher's pet.

No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice

*No they don't, oh no they don't*

My mother bought a new kind of dog food for our pet.

Mom: Did Fido enjoyed his food?

Me: I don't know.

Mom: I thought you fed him and he finished his food?

Me: He did. But he never said he enjoyed it.

Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

First guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

Second guy says, "You should probably try petting him first."

20 dogs were stolen from a pet store

Police say, there are no leads.

I have a pet treee

It's kinda like a pet dog but the bark is quieter

After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine

We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years

Two teenage boys are walking down an alley

when they see a stray dog licking its crotch.

The one boy says, Man, I really wish I could do that.

His friend responds, I don't know, you'd better pet him and see if he's friendly, first.

Two guys are walking down the street and come across this dog licking his balls.

One guy says "Man, I wish *I* could do that". The other guy responds "Maybe you should pet him first!"

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"

"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do funeral mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."

"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."

The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"

A man walks into a pet store...

...and says I need a dog. The store owner says sounds goodβ€”what kind of demeanor are you looking for?

The man replies well I need a guard dog, so da meaner da better.

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.

Everyone antes up but the cat.

The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"

Cat:

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

My dog is so smart, says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed. I know, says the second owner. How do you know? the first demands. My dog told me.

I have a pet tree

It's not as good as a pet dog but the bark is quieter.

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

SO: I know.

FO: How do you know?

SO: My dog told me.

A man asks his neighbour if it's ok to pet his dog

Yea he's a sweetheart, never bit a soul in his life, of course you can! Says the neighbour

The man pats the dog and the dog bites his hand

I thought you said your dog is a sweetheart and doesn't bite! Exclaims the man

The neighbour looks at him shrugging and says
Yes, but that's not my dog

A woman drags her husband to the doctor,

He's been complaining for weeks about a sore stomach. The doc gives the man a full workover and deduces he is missing a vital enzyme mainly found in dog food. Reluctantly they agree to put him on the pet food diet to save his life.

A week later the doc sees her walking the street and asks how he's doing. "He's dead" She replies. The doc is understandably upset "How, dog food is not toxic?" She wipes a tear and says "He was hit by a car in the middle of the road licking his genitals"

My uncle needed a pet that could tell time

So he bought a watch dog

Two guys were walking down the road when they came upon a male dog licking his self.

One guy says I wish I could do that and the other guy says you better make sure he'll let you pet him first...

BBC study finds Covid common in pet cats and dogs, but not ants.

Because ants have antibodies.

Ill see myself out.

A dog is lying on the grass licking his balls...

A guy looks and says to his friend, "I wish I could do that."
His friend says, "You better pet him first. He looks pretty mean."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the pet dog leash jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working pet dog collie piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes