Personally Jokes
114 personally jokes and hilarious personally puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about personally that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Personally Short Jokes
Short personally jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The personally humour may include short sincerely jokes also.
- What asian stereo type do you hear the most? Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
- I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"
- Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
- Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
- How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask? Ask them who won the election.
- The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are
- TIL Albert Einstein was a real person. I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- What's the best Chuck Norris joke you've ever heard? My personal favorite is: chuck norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died
- I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.
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Personally One Liners
Which personally one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with personally? I can suggest the ones about individual and personnel.
- When cops arrest a clinically insane person... ...are they busting a nut?
- What is a a bisexual person doing when they're not dating anybody? They're on standbi
- What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed? An iWitness.
- I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person.
- Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut
- "I have a split personality." ...said Tom, being frank.
- What do you call a person without a son? Per
- Never try to hi-five Logan Paul You won't be the first person he's left hanging.
- Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means one person enjoys it
- What is the one type of person that will never get angry? A nomad.
- What did the deaf person think when he won the auction? I've won, but at what cost?
- How do you comfort a sad non binary person ? They're/Their
- I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint! 73 metres.
- What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera? Phil Ming
- An average person loses virginity at the age of 17 I always knew I was above average
Laughter Personally Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about personally you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean emotionally jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make personally pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Personally, I don't believe in bros before h**..., or h**... before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-h**...-stasis, if you will.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a c**... if I ever had s**....
He said, Any person willing to have s**... with you will sleep with almost anyone else.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Statistics show that the average person has s**... 89 times a year
Today's going to be great!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I walked in on my girlfriend having s**... with her personal trainer
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.
I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.
The plot thickens.
I was reading my emails...
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information...
...it's called Norton
What do you call a rich Chinese person ?
cha ching
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Layoffs
The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or j**..."
"You better j**..., I've got a headache"
Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"
A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...
...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.
In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:
"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."
What's a gay man's favorite planet?
Earth, most likely. Unless he's personally interested in space exploration, in which case he might say Mars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you confuse a gay person?
Seven
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My joke was removed for comparing Trump to h**...
Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...
They can finally legally own a black person again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the s**... persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: It's the chicken!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf h**..., 1945
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial?
He doesn't, they are both Aryans.
At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'
The poor bartender was crushed to death.
Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen?
Me: We have the same teacher.
"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."
"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…
Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."
Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.
He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A person with an art degree walks into a bar.
They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.
A man called the hotel manager...
He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".
Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.
I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...
Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.
Man: Yeah but she's got a great personality
My dad's joke was you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln. (person is confused since his name was Jim.)
He then responds, We'll, I wasn't named before him!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.
Oxytocin is known to increase e**... vocalizations during s**.... Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful w**...-moan.
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
Dear the person who invented 0,
thanks for nothing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the person who hacked into my account,
I will find you.
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".
The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!
Found this one in my 2014 meme stash
A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"
They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.
Well, she did try to take down a whole race...
Person 1 says: I like Eminem
Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles.
Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper.
Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.
The doctor paused and said, There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.
But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.
When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.
The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!
The old man said, That's s**...! The bullet must have been shot by another person.
That's exactly right, said the doctor.
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."
The next day, someone stole it.
THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"
An assassin is running towards Trump
His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts Mickey Mouse . This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.
Trump turns to his bodyguard and says Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse The bodyguard replies Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.
Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.
They find three parachutes.
Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, The world needs a great person like me!
Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, I need to help make choices for our world , so he jumps off the plane.
At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane.
The Pope says to the boy, take the last parachute, I am too old and I'm going to die soon one day.
Actually there are two left. Donald Trump took my backpack.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands f**.... She said "Certainly."
He stood up and said "Plethora" , and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."
And another man stood up and said, "Bargain" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Yet another stood up and said, "Earth" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means the world."
Yet another stood up and said, "Infinity" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine."
Yet another stood up and said, "Being Alive" and the woman said, "Thanks, my husband would have loved that."
Another person simply held up a sprig of mentha spicata, and the widow said, "Thanks, that's a lovely scent of mint."
Groaned a whole store with this one.
I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:
"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"
To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."
The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.
