Personal Jokes

Personally, I don't believe in bros before h**..., or h**... before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-h**...-stasis, if you will.

When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a c**... if I ever had s**....

He said, Any person willing to have s**... with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

Statistics show that the average person has s**... 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

I walked in on my girlfriend having s**... with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.
The plot thickens.

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am."
He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second."
The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

Layoffs

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or j**..."
"You better j**..., I've got a headache"

After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.
According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"

A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

What's a gay man's favorite planet?

Earth, most likely. Unless he's personally interested in space exploration, in which case he might say Mars.

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Stats show the average person has s**... 89 times per year

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

Today I was offered s**... by an 18 year old female...

Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the s**... I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to h**...

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...

They can finally legally own a black person again.

Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf h**..., 1945

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Person asked me If I wanted to have a t**...

I said no thanks if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial?

He doesn't, they are both Aryans.

At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen?

Me: We have the same teacher.

What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming

Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world

Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.

I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

I was offered s**... from a 21 year old girl today

In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.

"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."

My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space...

It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."
Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.
Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2

He was the s**... mechanic the luftwaffe had.

Job interviewer: And where would you see yourself in five years' time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

A physicist sees a person on the top of a very tall building.

"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint!

73 metres.

Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.

Man: Yeah but she's got a great personality

My dad's joke was you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln. (person is confused since his name was Jim.)

He then responds, We'll, I wasn't named before him!

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes t**... in her yard.

Personally I'm on the fence.

Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase e**... vocalizations during s**.... Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful w**...-moan.

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.

Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I'd get rid of the 800m. It's too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes n**... in her backyard.

Personally I'm on the fence.

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I've won, but at what cost?

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?

A transgender person cut me in line at the supermarket.

You're LGBT, right? I asked.
You forgot about the 'Q', they replied bluntly.
No, I said, you did.

A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
Ah, he said, That's my altar ego.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.