Person Jokes

Personally, I don't believe in bros before h**..., or h**... before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-h**...-stasis, if you will.

When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a c**... if I ever had s**....

He said, Any person willing to have s**... with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

Statistics show that the average person has s**... 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"

Barry says "make it $1000".

Layoffs

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or j**..."
"You better j**..., I've got a headache"

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,

"I did not!"

What is the one type of person that will never get angry?

A nomad.

how do you starve a black person?

the same way you would a white person.... you racist.

Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Stats show the average person has s**... 89 times per year

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December

How do you confuse a gay person?

Seven

Today I was offered s**... by an 18 year old female...

Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the s**... I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...

They can finally legally own a black person again.

I don't like how funerals are usually at 9 or 10 AM.

I'm not a mourning person.

Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf h**..., 1945

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...

I'm not really a mourning person.

Person asked me If I wanted to have a t**...

I said no thanks if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen?

Me: We have the same teacher.

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.

I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

I was offered s**... from a 21 year old girl today

In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.

"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

What do you call a person without a son?

Per

The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."

Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

A physicist sees a person on the top of a very tall building.

"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Never try to hi-five Logan Paul

You won't be the first person he's left hanging.

Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase e**... vocalizations during s**.... Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.

It's a very powerful w**...-moan.

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I've won, but at what cost?

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.

"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?

A transgender person cut me in line at the supermarket.

You're LGBT, right? I asked.

You forgot about the 'Q', they replied bluntly.

No, I said, you did.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!

Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!

So the Pope slapped him.

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - They must've reproduced!

The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!

The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!

Found this one in my 2014 meme stash

A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"

"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."

"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."

"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."

Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

A teacher told his students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted, angrily.

"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

Old Fridge

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."

The next day, someone stole it.

THE BATHTUB TEST: During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .

"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

That means one person enjoys it

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, The world needs a great person like me!

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, I need to help make choices for our world , so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane. 

The Pope says to the boy, take the last parachute, I am too old and I'm going to die soon one day.  

Actually there are two left. Donald Trump took my backpack.

I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person..

All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist

What is a a bisexual person doing when they're not dating anybody?

They're on standbi

A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.

Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.


Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.


The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying


Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.




———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.

A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands f**.... She said "Certainly."

He stood up and said "Plethora" , and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."

And another man stood up and said, "Bargain" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means a great deal." 

Yet another stood up and said, "Earth" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means the world."

Yet another stood up and said, "Infinity" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine."

Yet another stood up and said, "Being Alive" and the woman said, "Thanks, my husband would have loved that."

Another person simply held up a sprig of mentha spicata, and the widow said, "Thanks, that's a lovely scent of mint."

Groaned a whole store with this one.

I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:

"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"

To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."

The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

How do you comfort a sad non binary person ?

They're/Their

To the person who hacked my account

I will find you, and I will kill you.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)

Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.

what do Germans call an overweight person?

g**...

A lesbian, a gay man, a bisexual person, and a trans person are waiting in line

It was an LGBT queue

I had decided to be a different person and be productive

But the other person turned out to be unproductive too......

This morning for breakfast, I made a Belgian waffle.

For lunch, I'm planning to make a Dutch person uncomfortable.

I used to work in a circus for a few years. I was quite handy.

I was the only person who could get the tent back in the bag.

A Danish person will not be nostalgic about old Beatles songs.

But a Norwegian wood.

A centipede walked into a shop and asked for a pair of shoes.

The shopkeeper looked at him and checked it was just the one pair that the centipede wanted.

The centipede laughed and assured the shopkeeper that yes, although one pair would be useless for himself, the shoes were a birthday gift for someone else and that he did indeed only want one pair.

The shopkeeper laughed too. "Who's the lucky person you're buying for?" he asked.

"The millipede", replied the centipede. "I don't like him."

Time Traveler

A time traveler shows up in Manhattan and asks the nearest person what year it is. The person responds, 2023 of course.

The time traveler looks up at the sky and mumbles, Ah yes, the first year of the Balloon Wars.

what do you get when you cross a Jewish person ?

Christianity

What's the difference between a homeless person and an art major?

About $4.32 in change.