Person Jokes
166 person jokes and hilarious person puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about person that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Take a break from the mundane and have a good laugh with some of the funniest jokes told by people who crack them in various languages including Multilingual, Bilingual, and even American Sign Language. No matter what language you speak, these jokes will surely tickle your funny bone.
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Funniest Person Short Jokes
Short person jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The person humour may include short individual jokes also.
- What asian stereo type do you hear the most? Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
- I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"
- Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
- Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
- How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask? Ask them who won the election.
- The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels Now you know who the best people are
- TIL Albert Einstein was a real person. I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- What's the best Chuck Norris joke you've ever heard? My personal favorite is: chuck norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died
- I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.
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Person One Liners
Which person one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with person? I can suggest the ones about chairman and member.
- When cops arrest a clinically insane person... ...are they busting a nut?
- What is a a bisexual person doing when they're not dating anybody? They're on standbi
- What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed? An iWitness.
- I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person.
- Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut
- "I have a split personality." ...said Tom, being frank.
- What do you call a person without a son? Per
- Never try to hi-five Logan Paul You won't be the first person he's left hanging.
- Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. That means one person enjoys it
- What is the one type of person that will never get angry? A nomad.
- What did the deaf person think when he won the auction? I've won, but at what cost?
- How do you comfort a sad non binary person ? They're/Their
- I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint! 73 metres.
- What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera? Phil Ming
- An average person loses virginity at the age of 17 I always knew I was above average
Little Person Jokes
Here is a list of funny little person jokes and even better little person puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens. They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.
- I was going to make a game where you play a death-defying, cross-dressing little person. But I see you guys hate micro trans action.
- I rear-ended a car the other day and out comes a little person. He says to me, "I'm not happy", so I reply, "Then which one are you?"
- What piece of furniture does every person own? A little stool up their butts.
- When I was younger, I thought I was clever by coming up with a joke: What is a British person's favourite cereal? Cheerios!
I told this to joke to a British person.
They were a little tea'd off. - My butcher's assistant is a little person. I tried to bet him he couldn't sell me one of his top-shelf filets. "No bet," he said. "The steaks are too high."
- My uncle Elijah was part of a little person comic duo that worked the Catskills. His partner was 4'11, while he stood only 4'2. Uncle Elijah got the short end of the schtick.
- I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person... ...and that person drinks a lot.
- What do you call a little person who talks to dead people and runs from the law? A small medium at large
- I went to a little person convention yesterday It was boring, just all small talk.
Depressed Person Jokes
Here is a list of funny depressed person jokes and even better depressed person puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb? 5 days. & I'm pretty proud of myself.
- What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza? Pizza won't cut itself.
- How do you get a depressed person out of a tree? You cut the rope…
- How does a depressed person view life? There are sad days, and also Saturdays...
- What's a Depressed persons favorite drink? A Depresso Espresso
Jk it's cyanide - My Sister recently started dating a depressed German airline pilot She says his personality is really down to earth.
- I made a portrait of a depressed person and gifted it to them. They hanged it too.
- What is the first thing a depressed person does when they wake up? Their mourning routine. :-(
- What do you call a public official with depression? a person in a zolofty position
- What's common between a coffin and a depressed person? Both have dead inside
Birthing Person Jokes
Here is a list of funny birthing person jokes and even better birthing person puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality
- What does an IT guy use for birth control? His personality.
- Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
- What do Republicans use for birth control? Their personality.
- What do accountants use for birth control? Their personality.
- What did the banker use for birth control? His personality
- My doctor asked me what I am using for birth control. I told him my personality. It's 100% effective.
- What do lawyers use for birth control? Personality.
- What do guys on Reddit use for birth control? Their personalities.
- What's an engineer's best form of birth control? His personality.
Boring Person Jokes
Here is a list of funny boring person jokes and even better boring person puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The police called me "boring" and released me after only 20 minutes, I guess I wasn't a person of interest.
- I don't find self-deprecating humor funny anymore. I guess my sense of humor is as boring and worthless now as the rest of my personality always has been
- Some people find whiteboards boring... Personally, I find them remarkable.
- What do you call a bored rich person? A politician
- What do you call a person living next to a boring person? Neighbore
Person Who Cracks Jokes
Here is a list of funny person who cracks jokes and even better person who cracks puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- M R Ducks Person 1: M R Ducks.
Person 2: M R Not.
Person 1: O S A R. C M Wangs?
Person 2: L I B. M R Ducks!
My grandmother told me this when I was 5ish. Don't know why it cracks me up. - You wanna know the most HUMOROUS person I know? My Chiropractor, he really cracks me up
Hilarious Person Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about person you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make person pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Personally, I don't believe in bros before h**..., or h**... before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-h**...-stasis, if you will.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a c**... if I ever had s**....
He said, Any person willing to have s**... with you will sleep with almost anyone else.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Statistics show that the average person has s**... 89 times a year
Today's going to be great!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.
While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.
After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.
The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up p**... in the dictionary, a person who trades s**... for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.
Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.
Is it just me
or are there other personal pronouns?
My wife told me a joke that I actually laughed at.
A women was in bed with her husbands best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answered the phone and said to the person have a wonderful time and hung up. The man asks her who was it and she replied that it was her husband, he said that he was at a bar with you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.
I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.
The plot thickens.
I was reading my emails...
The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;
"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."
And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
What do you call a rich Chinese person ?
cha ching
What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game?
First person shooter.
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
What "being a man" is about
A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Layoffs
The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or j**..."
"You better j**..., I've got a headache"
How can a room full of couples be empty?
There isn't a single person left!
Bwahahahahaha
Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"
Daddy, what's it like being drunk?
A little girl goes up to her dad and asks "Daddy, what does it feel like being drunk?" "Well," the father replies "You see those 2 telephone poles over there in the distance?" he says, pointing in the direction of the poles. "A drunk person would see 4 telephone poles there." The little girl, confused, replies "But daddy, there is only one telephone pole over there"
The next person to show me that dress...
...is gonna get a white and gold eye.
A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...
...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.
In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:
"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you confuse a gay person?
Seven
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard about this new s**... position that I really want to try.
It's called:
With another person.
This person told me "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!"
Alas, swine flu.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...
They can finally legally own a black person again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a high person with Downs Syndrome?
A baked potato.
What do you call it when a white person robs you?
Capitalism.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf h**..., 1945
I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.
Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial?
He doesn't, they are both Aryans.
At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'
The poor bartender was crushed to death.
Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you, how could that happen?
Me: We have the same teacher.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar
And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just f**... so hard that blood came out
of the person behind me.
"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."
"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
If a deaf person goes to court
Is it still a hearing?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When my wife and I got married,
we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have s**... with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…
Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.
Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."
Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.
He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete m**...."
A person with an art degree walks into a bar.
They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
It's appropriate that Cyborg from the Justice League is black,
Considering that he's only 3/5 of a person.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had s**... with
I mean, obviously, anything for family
a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"
The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."
The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"
"I'm his mom..."
I can tell how uncomfortable a person is...
...just by hugging them for 18 minutes.
Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.
I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...
What's the worst way to break up with a blind person?
I think we should see other people
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Would the person who schedules the girls at a brothel...
...be called the w**...-ganizer?
I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...
I donated 4 and I'm somehow a criminal
My dad's joke was you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln. (person is confused since his name was Jim.)
He then responds, We'll, I wasn't named before him!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.
Oxytocin is known to increase e**... vocalizations during s**.... Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful w**...-moan.
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
How many seconds in a year joke
a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed.
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can accept that. How many seconds are there in a year?
P: 12 seconds
A: (shocked) how come?
P: Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd ...
A: you can go in
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
Dear the person who invented 0,
thanks for nothing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the person who hacked into my account,
I will find you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how s**... the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.
How can a room full of married people be empty?
Because there's not a single person there.
How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?
They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!
Found this one in my 2014 meme stash
A police officer pulled over a car on a deserted highway and told the driver, "Congratulations! You're the first person here today who was wearing a seat belt and now you're entitled to a prize of 1000$. What are you gonna do with your money?"
"Well", replied the man, "I think I'm gonna get a driver's license."
"Oh, Ignore him.", his wife said, "He always speaks nonsense when he's drunk."
"I KNEW IT!", his father bellowed from the backseat, "I KNEW WE WON'T GET FAR IN A STOLEN CAR."
Then came the voice from the trunk, "Are we over the border yet?"
They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.
Well, she did try to take down a whole race...
