Perplexed Jokes
63 perplexed jokes and hilarious perplexed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about perplexed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Perplexed Short Jokes
Short perplexed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The perplexed humour may include short puzzled jokes also.
- What's the best part about drinking fresh milk? The perplexed and horrified look on my wife's face when she wakes up
- A dog says to the other, Woof! The other replies, Moo! The first dog is perplexed. He says, Moo? Why did you say, 'Moo?'
The other dog answers, I'm trying to learn a foreign language. - My girlfriend told me she is perplexed by our relationship That's a big word for a 9 year old.
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Silly Perplexed Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about perplexed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean confused jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make perplexed pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 97 year old man goes in the insurance and says to the insurer: “Hello my son.
I want to have a life insurance policy.”
Perplexed by the old man, the insurer asks: “Sorry for the indiscretion, but why do you want to make life insurance?”
“You know my son I will travel with my father in Europe.”
Even more perplexed the insurer, asks: "Again, sorry, but how old is your father?”
“127. ”
“127? And what will you do in Europe?”
He answers: “We will go to the wedding of my grandfather.”
Even more shocked the insurer asks: “And how old is your grandfather?”
“He is … Oh, 150.”
And the insurer ready to hear everything now, asks: “Oh well, how come your grandfather wants to get married at this age?”
“b**..., you know his parents are pressing him!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St.
Peter.
He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and *p**...!* she’s gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and *p**...!* she’s gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed.
"Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says “No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not s**..." Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not s**.... Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Curious
A young boy walks in to the kitchen one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the newspaper.
"Where does p**... come from?" He asks.
The father feeling a little agitated that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yeah," answers the boy.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the washroom, and that is p**...."
The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And tigger?"
What's in a name?
A woman sits down next to another mother on a park bench as their kids played together on a playground in Keswick, and they got to talking.
The woman was astonished that the other Mom had eleven children, all named Jayden.
Why did you call all your kids Jayden?" she asked her new friend.
"It's a great time-saver, I can just yell JAYDEN, time for bed", and they all will come running".
A perplexed look crossed the face of the first woman But don't you find it a little confusing? What if you only wanted to call one specific child, the second youngest, or the oldest? How do you get just their attention?
Simple… said the mother of eleven …then I just call them by their LAST names
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
b**...
Three friends travelling through the Amazon jungles become lost, when all of a sudden they are snared up in a huge net. Suddenly, 100 angry looking tribesmen appear and drag the 3 men back to the village.
When they arrived at the village, the chief comes out and says in broken English "You trespass on our sacred land. You have two options, death or b**..."!
The first man thinks about his family back home and chooses b**.... Ten of the largest tribesmen come over, pick the man up, bend him over and each has their way with him.
The next man, also thinking of his family, chooses b**... despite how horrible that looked. Again, 10 giant tribesmen come over and have their way with the man.
The third man is brought up to the chief, and he looks over at his two friends who are passed out from what just happened. He thinks about how he has no family and nothing worth enduring what his friends suffered, so he chooses death.
The chief, perplexed, says, "Hmm, nobody ever choose death before". After thinking a minute the chief proclaims, "Death by b**..."!
In a small town in the middle of nowhere...
Recently, in a small town in the middle of nowhere, a crime occurred which totally perplexed the local authorities. It seems that somehow, in a daring daylight robbery, an unidentified perpetrator managed to sneak into the crowded police station and systematically steal all of the toilets.
The cops have nothing to go on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Dog Sitting"
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice. After having explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the phone and place it alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise from the ringing will make the male dog lose his e**... and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Well, it just worked for me." he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two explorers are lost in the desert...
...they're dying of thirst, and have been wandering for days. Finally, off in the far distance, they see a camp of beautiful tents. Hoping that it is not a mirage, they crawl desperately towards it. On arriving, they find that it's a market. They stagger up to the first tent they see, and say to the shopkeeper "Water, please! Water, we're dying of thirst!"
The shopkeeper says to them "I am sorry, my friends- I have no water. All I have is this bowl, full of jelly, sponge and custard, topped with cream and s**... chocolate."
Perplexed, but undeterred, the explorers stagger to the next stand, only to be met with the same answer. At all of the dozens of stands in this market, all they are offered are these bowls, not a drop of water to be had.
As they leave the market, one explorer says to the other "Well, that was very strange".
The second explorer replies: "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A poor couple...
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have s**....
One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife h**... the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."
Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....
...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.
Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.
Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks
Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"
Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.
Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**...
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..
When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dork Ruined Joke Then Deleted It Because He Couldn't Stand The Downvotes: Reposted Right
An American gentleman arranged a liaison with a Japanese lady. As they were indulging in s**... i**..., she repeatedly shouted a Japanese word which he did not understand but took to mean "Wonderful" or something similar which increased his ardor, his efforts with the lady, and his enjoyment, as well as her apparent enjoyment because she kept shouting that word.
The next day, he played golf with some Japanese business associates and hit a hole in one. In elation, he shouted out the same word his poule de nuit had been shouting the night before. One of the Japanese gentlemen present, perplexed, asked, "What do you mean "'wrong hole'"?
Russian Yeltsin Joke
Here's one of those great old stale Russian jokes. Quick context; Yeltsin presided over the gutting and corruption of a lot of Russian government companies.
A man drives up to the Kremlin and parks his car outside. As he is getting out a policemen hurriedly flusters over and says "You can't park there! That's right under Yeltsin's window!"
The man looks perplexed for a second but then smiles and calmly replies:
"No need to worry officer, I made sure to lock the car"
I got it from a good book called Oilopoly, about Russia's oil and such things.
Mr. Smith is Dead
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.
A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.
The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.
The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.
The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.
Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"
"He confessed"
Was talking religion over at a Chinese restaurant with some friends when...
one friend pondered if there were any Chinese Jews.. Nobody at the table had ever heard of one so we decided to ask our server. We called him over and inquired if he knew of any any Chinese Jews.,. He looked a little perplexed and said he would go and ask his manager. He returned some minutes later declaring that to his knowledge there were no Chinese Jews.. He only knew of Orange, Pineapple and Cranberry....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Another vampire joke.
3 vampires walk into a blood bar.
The 1st vampire looks at the bartender and says "I'll have your finest cup of blood, type O negative please." The bartender happily obliges.
The 2nd vampire then places his order. "One mug of AB positive, with extra plasma please!" The bartender once again happily obliges.
The 3rd vampire asks for a cup of boiling water. The bartender, perplexed, asks what he'll be needing a cup of hot water for. The 3rd vampire then pulls out a used t**... and says "I'm making tea."
Great date last night
Last night, I went out with a great guy. Things were going well,but in the end, we both had to part ways. I said my goodbyes and went home on foot. Today, I woke up to a text from him.
"I followed you last night."
Perplexed, I replied :"Oh cool. How did you know my Twitter though?"
"What's Twitter?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, I was at the doctor the other day...
And the doctor looked at with me with concern and told me, "Hey, Finez, you really need to stop m**...."
I looked at him perplexed and said, "But why doc?"
"Well, Its making it hard for me to give you an exam"
need to
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jew is stuck in a well.
A Jew is stuck in a well. Three men pass by at different times and notice this.
The first one, a Christian, says, "Hey! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses, and the perplexed Christian man leaves.
The second one, a Hindu, says, "You seem to be in trouble! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses again, and the Hindu man is annoyed and confused, so he leaves without another word.
Then, a Muslim man arrives and says, "Take my hand!", and the Jew accepts.
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An awkward question!
A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.
"Where does p**... come from?" he asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the boy.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is p**...."
The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And tigger?"
Santa's annual check ride
As the sled rotated off the runway, the examiner pulled a double-barreled shotgun from under his cloak and blasted one of the raindeer. He then turned to the perplexed Santa and said "Engine failure on take-off!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Where do babies come from?"
Asked the little boy...
Perplexed, his dad answers "well they come from the store, son."
Kid looks at him with disgust and goes "eww you had s**... with the store?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the elderly home:
A journalist had arrived to the elderly home to interview some of the people living there.
He started out by asking 92 year old Mary a few questions.
As he was about to finish off the interview he threw in an additional question, "So Mary, how long has it been since you were s**... active?"
Mary thought about it for a few seconds, and then answered "1945".
The journalist thoughtlessly responded" Wow, that's REALLY long ago"!
Mary looked perplexed as she said "Not really, it's only eight a clock now".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once saw an angry perplexed pirate...
...with a helm on his c**.... Asked him why he had that. He replied, "ARRRR, it be driving me nuts."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his wife finish dinner; she goes to clear his plate when he grabs her hand softly.
"Let's make love. Right now." The wife responds to the request tepidly, "But I have to clean up." The husband begs, "Can't it wait?" The wife relents.
They are having s**... when the man asks for a b**.... She remembers the mess in the kitchen and, seeing an opportunity, says, "Okay, but I don't want to see a single dish in that sink tonight." He eagerly agrees.
The wife gives her husband a b**..., and when she's done, the man pulls out a blindfold. Surprised, the wife purrs, "What are you going to do to me?"
Perplexed, the husband responds: "You said you didn't want to see the dishes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the question that has perplexed eastern european historians?
Did Vlad Dracula remove kebab, or impale them?
A man was driving along the motorway
When all of a sudden, he sees two crisps (potato chips) walking along the side of the road.
Perplexed by this and concerned for their safety he leans out and shouts "Hey! You two want a lift anywhere?", to which the crisps stopped and replied "No thanks mate, we're Walkers".
A bartender is serving drinks one night when a farmer comes in asking for a fork.
A while later another farmer comes in asking for another fork. After a little while longer a third farmer comes in asking for a straw.
Perplexed the bartender asks the farmer "why are you asking for a straw the other farmers asked for a fork"
To which the farmer responds "well someone threw up outside and all the lumpy bits are gone"
Heard this when I was a kid and still remember it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sir Dimalot strode into the throne room and bowed before the king.
"Your majesty," he said, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the villages of your enemies in the north."
The king looked perplexed. "But I do not have any enemies in the north."
"Ah," replied the knight, realising his mistake. "I fear you do now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A t**... walks into a pub and asks for a toothpick.
The barman sees no harm in this and so gives him a toothpick. The t**... then leaves the pub.
A couple of minutes later another t**... enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the t**... goes on his way.
The same thing happens three more times in the next 10 minutes. The barman is perplexed. another t**... walks in, this time asking for a straw.
The confused barman's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks "For the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?"
The t**... replies "Well, someones been sick outside and all the best bits have gone."
A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...
The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*
A man and woman get a divorce.
They go to the courthouse and the judge wants to hear why they want a divorce.
The woman starts and says that they are too compatible. She says how they like the same movies, music, sports, books, and hobbies.
The judge perplexed asks why this is grounds for divorce.
She says the compatibility is just too good that they even like the same men.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A DIFFICULT QUESTION!
A little boy walks in to the kitchen one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.
"Where does p**... come from?" he asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5-year-old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says,
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the boy.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our butts when we go to the bathroom, and that is p**...."
The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks.
"And Tigger?"
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.
According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled,
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn't show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...
Turns out he had become shelf aware.
Guy walks into a bar
Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds what he's looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention "I'm terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?" To which the man replies surprised "oh no no everything's fine! I just promised my wife I'd never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again." 😳
A couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier.
One says too the other:"look my tour guide fell in that ravine last time I was up here". The other mountainclimber looks perplexed. "Why do you mention that so casually"? The first mountainclimber shrugs and says:"well it was already missing a couple pages".
A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says I have two good news for you
The man perplexed but hopeful asks: what's the first good news?
Doctor replies, you don't have AIDS!
The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, then what's the other good news?
Doctor responds, we found a new strain of STD and they're going to name it after you!
After my flight arrival in Munich . . .
After my flight arrival in Munich I was going through customs and was spoken to in German by the customs agent.
I obviously looked perplexed, and so the agent asked me in English if I at least knew a little German.
I said "Sure, his name is Gunther and he's about four foot, nine inches tall."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny walks in on his dad having s**... with his aunt.
Aunt was going up and down on his dad.When he sees little Johnny he is embarrassed and quickly tries covering up.
"So,..Son, see Aunty was ju.."
Little Johnny interrupts before dad could say further and says, "I know she was helping you flatten your tummy by going up and down, right?"
Dad is perplexed as it was the exactly what he was going to say and asks Johnny, "Right... Uhh, but how do you know?"
"Well, mommy too was helping the mailman flatten his tummy the other day."
The Trophy Wife
This guy is so sick of his hot trophy wife always asking for money.
So the next time she comes and asks him for some money he says "I'm not giving you any more money until you make some money for yourself."
So the next day he comes home from work and his wife says "I did it. I made money. I made $230.50!"
He says "Wow. How did you do that?"
She says "Easy: Prostitution."
So now he looks kind of perplexed he says "Who paid 50 cents?"
She says "Everybody!"
The Detective's Conundrum
The detective walked into the smokey room. His assistant scurried in after. He took in the scene.
A dim light.
A flipped table.
And 53 bicycles laying all around the floor.
"It's apparent what he wrong here," the detective said.
"What is it?" asked the perplexed assistant.
"Someone had an ace up their sleeve."
An old man goes to see his doctor
An old man goes to see his doctor. During his examination, the old man says that God is watching over him. He says that during the night, he went to the bathroom. When he opened the door, the light opened and when he closed the door, the light turned off.
Perplexed, the doctor asks the old man's wife about the incident. After telling her the story, she says :
"Oh no! Don't tell me he peed in the fridge again!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Red neck decision making
A r**... family has already 4 kids when the husband announces to the wife that he will get a vasectomy.
Perplex to understand his sudden decision the wife asks him why. He replied i read that 1 in every 5 Americans is Hispanic, and I cannot bear the risk of getting one into this family
A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick
A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick.
Perplexed, the first kid asks his mother "Mom, why did you named me Drop?"
And she says: "Because when you were born, a little drop fell in your head..."
The second kid asks: "Mom, why did you named me Feather?"
She answers: "Because when you were born, a feather fell in your head..."
Finally, the third kid says: "GUhhhGaahh \*loud noises\* HUEHUE"
Sorry guys
A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.
"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."
The wife is perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.
"I do," says the man.
"Can I use your WiFi?"
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your WiFi?".
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
A Man walks into an optometrist shop
He says," I think my vision is a little blurry, I may need glasses"
"Oh you need glasses for sure"
The man is perplexed," how can you be so sure without testing,?"
"Oh, I am sure, because this is the bank"
A blonde and a brunette are riding in an elevator...
At one point, a man steps aboard with dandruff all over his suit. He gets off a few floors later and the brunette turns to the blonde and whispers-
Now THAT'S a guy who could really use some Head & Shoulders!
The blonde looks perplexed:
How do you give somebody shoulders?
An American white guy visits India.
Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, so could you please ask the chef to make my food less spicy than this please?"
The waiter perplexed, looks at the man and says "Sir,
....this is dessert"
A young Chinese couple got married.
In the hotel room that evening, the bride blushed demurely: "I am very shy. Please, husband, tell me what to do."
The husband, a gentle and thoughtful young man said: "Why don't you tell me what you might like to do?"
The blushing bride hesitated before replying: "Well ... husband, uhmm ... I would like to try a ... try a 69!"
The husband was perplexed! "But, wife! It is our first night together, and you want fried rice, beef and black bean sauce?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy hears incredible piano music coming from a bar...
So he walks in and there's a guy about a foot tall that is beautifully playing any song someone requests. The guy is totally perplexed and asked the bartender how they found him. Bartender points to a genie sitting at the end of the bar and tells him he'll grant any wishes you want.
The guy walks up to the genie and says "I wish I had a million bucks!" p**..., there's a million ducks that appeared out of nowhere.
Guy tells the bartender the genie got it wrong. Bartender replies "you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist'?
A man and an alien are talking
At some point the conversation turns to religion.
The man asks: have you heard of Jesus?
The alien responds: oh yeah, he comes by twice a year.
The man, shocked says
twice a year? We have been waiting over 2,000 years for him to return!
Well maybe he didn't like your gifts, the alien says.
Gifts, the man asks perplexed?
Yeah, every time he comes we give him plenty of gifts and food, the alien says.
What did you do for him the last time he visited you guys?
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...
...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"
i was in Jerusalem for a holiday
Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.
From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a female barista could be found.
Perplexed by this, i finally asked the Jewish barista at the starbucks at the airport when i was about to leave. He thought about it for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said simply:
Hebrews.
A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
The children unanimously replied, "No."
The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."
Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how can I get into heaven?"
A quick-witted five-year-old boy piped up and replied, "You have to be dead!"