Perplexed Jokes

63 perplexed jokes and hilarious perplexed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about perplexed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Quick Jump To

Funniest Perplexed Short Jokes

Short perplexed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The perplexed humour may include short puzzled jokes also.

  1. What's the best part about drinking fresh milk? The perplexed and horrified look on my wife's face when she wakes up
  2. A dog says to the other, Woof! The other replies, Moo! The first dog is perplexed. He says, Moo? Why did you say, 'Moo?'
    The other dog answers, I'm trying to learn a foreign language.
  3. What is the question that has perplexed eastern european historians? Did Vlad Dracula remove kebab, or impale them?
  4. My girlfriend told me she is perplexed by our relationship That's a big word for a 9 year old.
  5. Perplexed student Told him he looked about as confused as a blind lesbian in a tuna cannery.
  6. My son asked me where does p**... come from I sighed and explained it to him in great detail. He then looked at me perplexed and said "well what about Tigger?"
  7. My doctor told me I have to stop m**.... Perplexed, I asked him why.
    He responds - "Well, because I'm trying to give you a physical."
  8. "Where do babies come from?" Asked the little boy...
    Perplexed, his dad answers "well they come from the store, son."
    Kid looks at him with disgust and goes "eww you had s**... with the store?"
  9. I once saw an angry perplexed pirate... ...with a helm on his c**.... Asked him why he had that. He replied, "ARRRR, it be driving me nuts."
    Credit to SMBC's Zack Weinersmith for the joke :)

Share These Perplexed Jokes With Friends

Perplexed joke, I once saw an angry perplexed pirate...

Silly Perplexed Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about perplexed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean confused jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make perplexed pranks.

A Buddhist Monk goes into a burger place and with a facetious smile on his face he says "Make me one with everything", smirking at his own wit he pays with a $100 Note. The Monk receives his Burger in due course and little else. A touch perplexed he says "I paid with a $100! Don't i get any change?"

To which the The Cashier serenely replies; "Change comes from within."

The story of the pirate.

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender notices that there is the steering wheel to a ship on the front of his pants. So the bartender, perplexed, says to him "you know that there's a steering wheel on your c**..., right?" and the pirate says "Arr! Its drivin' me nuts!"

In a small town in the middle of nowhere...

Recently, in a small town in the middle of nowhere, a crime occurred which totally perplexed the local authorities. It seems that somehow, in a daring daylight robbery, an unidentified perpetrator managed to sneak into the crowded police station and systematically steal all of the toilets.

The cops have nothing to go on.

A Vampire walks into a bar…

He walks up to the bar and asks for a shot of blood. He drink it, pays for it and leaves. A second vampire walks in, orders a shot of blood, drinks it, pays for it and leaves.
Third vampire walks in and asks for a mug of hot water. The bartender, perplexed, asks, "why didn't you order a shot of blood like the other vampires?" The vampire pulls out a used t**... and replies, "tea-time!"

A poor couple...

A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have s**....
One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife h**... the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."

Harry is taking a stroll through the woods....

...when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.
Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.
Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks
Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"
Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.
Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**...
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..

When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says, "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.

Mr. Smith is Dead

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.
"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

Was talking religion over at a Chinese restaurant with some friends when...

one friend pondered if there were any Chinese Jews.. Nobody at the table had ever heard of one so we decided to ask our server. We called him over and inquired if he knew of any any Chinese Jews.,. He looked a little perplexed and said he would go and ask his manager. He returned some minutes later declaring that to his knowledge there were no Chinese Jews.. He only knew of Orange, Pineapple and Cranberry....

Great date last night

Last night, I went out with a great guy. Things were going well,but in the end, we both had to part ways. I said my goodbyes and went home on foot. Today, I woke up to a text from him.
"I followed you last night."
Perplexed, I replied :"Oh cool. How did you know my Twitter though?"
"What's Twitter?"

A Jew is stuck in a well.

A Jew is stuck in a well. Three men pass by at different times and notice this.
The first one, a Christian, says, "Hey! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses, and the perplexed Christian man leaves.
The second one, a Hindu, says, "You seem to be in trouble! Give me your hand!". The Jew refuses again, and the Hindu man is annoyed and confused, so he leaves without another word.
Then, a Muslim man arrives and says, "Take my hand!", and the Jew accepts.

A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"


For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

After 5 years of being married, the wife finds $7.500,00 and 4 eggs on the top of the wardrobe.

Perplexed, she goes running to her husband to ask what that was about, and he says:
- Honey, during these 5 years together, everytime you irritate me I get an egg and put it on the top of the wardrobe.
The wife gets happy because there were only 4 eggs, and then asks:
- But what about the $7.500,00 ?
He answers:
- Every time I complete one dozen, I sell it.

Santa's annual check ride

As the sled rotated off the runway, the examiner pulled a double-barreled shotgun from under his cloak and blasted one of the raindeer. He then turned to the perplexed Santa and said "Engine failure on take-off!"

A man was driving along the motorway

When all of a sudden, he sees two crisps (potato chips) walking along the side of the road.
Perplexed by this and concerned for their safety he leans out and shouts "Hey! You two want a lift anywhere?", to which the crisps stopped and replied "No thanks mate, we're Walkers".

An insecure farmer didn't know how many cows he owned... he counted them all, and came to the total of 196 cows. He asked a neighbouring farmer for a second opinion. She came up with a total of 200 cows.
Perplexed by this, the man counted again, and once again came up with 196 cows. He once again asked his neighbour to count them. Again, she reached 200 cows. When he asked her how they were getting different numbers, she said
"I rounded them up."

A bartender is serving drinks one night when a farmer comes in asking for a fork.

A while later another farmer comes in asking for another fork. After a little while longer a third farmer comes in asking for a straw.
Perplexed the bartender asks the farmer "why are you asking for a straw the other farmers asked for a fork"
To which the farmer responds "well someone threw up outside and all the lumpy bits are gone"
Heard this when I was a kid and still remember it

A man walks into a diner, and orders eggs Benedict with hollandaise sauce, served on a hubcap.

The waiter, perplexed, asks him why. He responds:
There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise...

Sir Dimalot strode into the throne room and bowed before the king.

"Your majesty," he said, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the villages of your enemies in the north."
The king looked perplexed. "But I do not have any enemies in the north."
"Ah," replied the knight, realising his mistake. "I fear you do now."

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*

A man and woman get a divorce.

They go to the courthouse and the judge wants to hear why they want a divorce.
The woman starts and says that they are too compatible. She says how they like the same movies, music, sports, books, and hobbies.
The judge perplexed asks why this is grounds for divorce.
She says the compatibility is just too good that they even like the same men.

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.

According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, 
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn't show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

A man walks into a bar. "Quick, bartender, give me a shot of whiskey before it starts."

The bartender pours a shot of whiskey and gives it to the man. The man swallows it in a single gulp, and says "quick, give me another before it starts". The bartender pours another shot, quite perplexed. After the man finished the second drink, he again asked for another. The bartender looks at him and says "when will you be paying for these?"
The man sighs and says "it started"

Guy walks into a bar

Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds what he's looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention "I'm terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?" To which the man replies surprised "oh no no everything's fine! I just promised my wife I'd never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again." 😳

Guy walks into bar

Wanting to know who owns the Great Dane t**... outside because his dog just killed said Great Dane.
A man at the bar stands up obviously perplexed and says what kind of dog do you have that it just killed my Great Dane?
Other man responds proudly he owns a Chiwawa.
You're saying your Chiwawa killed my Great Dane? Not really believing what he was hearing.
Yes other man responds my dog got lodged in your dogs t**...

A couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier.

One says too the other:"look my tour guide fell in that ravine last time I was up here". The other mountainclimber looks perplexed. "Why do you mention that so casually"? The first mountainclimber shrugs and says:"well it was already missing a couple pages".

A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says I have two good news for you

The man perplexed but hopeful asks: what's the first good news?
Doctor replies, you don't have AIDS!
The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, then what's the other good news?
Doctor responds, we found a new strain of STD and they're going to name it after you!

After my flight arrival in Munich . . .

After my flight arrival in Munich I was going through customs and was spoken to in German by the customs agent.
I obviously looked perplexed, and so the agent asked me in English if I at least knew a little German.
I said "Sure, his name is Gunther and he's about four foot, nine inches tall."

The Trophy Wife

This guy is so sick of his hot trophy wife always asking for money.

So the next time she comes and asks him for some money he says "I'm not giving you any more money until you make some money for yourself."

So the next day he comes home from work and his wife says "I did it. I made money. I made $230.50!"

He says "Wow. How did you do that?"

She says "Easy: Prostitution."

So now he looks kind of perplexed he says "Who paid 50 cents?"

She says "Everybody!"

The Detective's Conundrum

The detective walked into the smokey room. His assistant scurried in after. He took in the scene.
A dim light.
A flipped table.
And 53 bicycles laying all around the floor.
"It's apparent what he wrong here," the detective said.
"What is it?" asked the perplexed assistant.
"Someone had an ace up their sleeve."

An old man goes to see his doctor

An old man goes to see his doctor. During his examination, the old man says that God is watching over him. He says that during the night, he went to the bathroom. When he opened the door, the light opened and when he closed the door, the light turned off.
Perplexed, the doctor asks the old man's wife about the incident. After telling her the story, she says :
"Oh no! Don't tell me he peed in the fridge again!"

A little boy asked his grandad where p**... came from

The grandad was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. The little boy looked a little perplexed and stared at him in stunned silence for a few seconds before asking "And Tigger?"

Red neck decision making

A r**... family has already 4 kids when the husband announces to the wife that he will get a vasectomy.
Perplex to understand his sudden decision the wife asks him why. He replied i read that 1 in every 5 Americans is Hispanic, and I cannot bear the risk of getting one into this family

A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick

A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick.
Perplexed, the first kid asks his mother "Mom, why did you named me Drop?"
And she says: "Because when you were born, a little drop fell in your head..."
The second kid asks: "Mom, why did you named me Feather?"
She answers: "Because when you were born, a feather fell in your head..."
Finally, the third kid says: "GUhhhGaahh \*loud noises\* HUEHUE"

Sorry guys

A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.

"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."
The wife is perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.
"I do," says the man.

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll.

All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.
A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched in hot nacho cheese.
He looks to the sky with a raised fist and shouts, "Curse you Buffet the Vampire Slayer!".

So a Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is.

Little Susie says, In Heaven!
Little Amy says, In my heart!
Little Johnny says, In my bathroom!
Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom.
I don't know, I just hear my dad every morning b**... on the bathroom door and yelling 'Jesus Christ are you still in there?!'

My son asked me "Where does p**... come from?"

I was a little uncomfortable, but I sat him down and gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds, and asked "And Tigger?"

"Can I use your WiFi?"

An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your WiFi?".
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."

A Man walks into an optometrist shop

He says," I think my vision is a little blurry, I may need glasses"
"Oh you need glasses for sure"
The man is perplexed," how can you be so sure without testing,?"
"Oh, I am sure, because this is the bank"

A little boy's parents were getting divorced and he was in front of the judge....

Well, little boy, I've decided you're going to live with your mother.
NOOOOOOOOO! Not my mom! She beats me!!!!! Screamed the kid.
Oh. That's terrible. Ok. Well, your father, then.
NOOOOOOO! Not my father! He beats me, too!
The judge was totally perplexed. He has never had this problem.
Well, son, who would you like to live with?
The NY JETS. They don't beat nobody.

A blonde and a brunette are riding in an elevator...

At one point, a man steps aboard with dandruff all over his suit. He gets off a few floors later and the brunette turns to the blonde and whispers-
Now THAT'S a guy who could really use some Head & Shoulders!
The blonde looks perplexed:
How do you give somebody shoulders?

An American white guy visits India.

Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, so could you please ask the chef to make my food less spicy than this please?"
The waiter perplexed, looks at the man and says "Sir,
....this is dessert"

A man runs into a bar.

Panting, he tells the bartender, Give me five shots of your best whiskey; quick!
The bartender pours the drinks and the man knocks them all back within seconds.
Why you drinking so fast? asks the perplexed bartender.
You'd drink fast too, if you were me. says the man.
Why, what do you have? asks the bartender.
* A dollar."*

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

A young Chinese couple got married.

In the hotel room that evening, the bride blushed demurely: "I am very shy. Please, husband, tell me what to do."
The husband, a gentle and thoughtful young man said: "Why don't you tell me what you might like to do?"
The blushing bride hesitated before replying: "Well ... husband, uhmm ... I would like to try a ... try a 69!"
The husband was perplexed! "But, wife! It is our first night together, and you want fried rice, beef and black bean sauce?"

Guy hears incredible piano music coming from a bar...

So he walks in and there's a guy about a foot tall that is beautifully playing any song someone requests. The guy is totally perplexed and asked the bartender how they found him. Bartender points to a genie sitting at the end of the bar and tells him he'll grant any wishes you want.
The guy walks up to the genie and says "I wish I had a million bucks!" p**..., there's a million ducks that appeared out of nowhere.
Guy tells the bartender the genie got it wrong. Bartender replies "you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist'?

My son asked me, "Where does p**... come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds then said...

"And Tigger?"

A man and an alien are talking

At some point the conversation turns to religion.
The man asks: have you heard of Jesus?
The alien responds: oh yeah, he comes by twice a year.
The man, shocked says
twice a year? We have been waiting over 2,000 years for him to return!
Well maybe he didn't like your gifts, the alien says.
Gifts, the man asks perplexed?
Yeah, every time he comes we give him plenty of gifts and food, the alien says.
What did you do for him the last time he visited you guys?

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.
From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a female barista could be found.
Perplexed by this, i finally asked the Jewish barista at the starbucks at the airport when i was about to leave. He thought about it for a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said simply:

A truck carrying synonym dictionaries has had an accident on the highway.

From the other cars, the passengers were shocked, tormented, amazed, incredulous, confused, paralyzed, stunned, bewildered, perplexed, amazed, dumbfounded, dumbstruck.

An Elderly Couple Make an Appointment with a Divorce Attorney

The attorney is perplexed:
You're over 90 years old, and you've been married for close to 7 decades! Why, after all this time, do you want a divorce?
The couple look at each other:
We wanted to wait until the kids died.

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."
The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."
Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how can I get into heaven?"
A quick-witted five-year-old boy piped up and replied, "You have to be dead!"