Performance Management Jokes
12 performance management jokes and hilarious performance management puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about performance management that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Performance Management Short Jokes
Short performance management jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The performance management humour may include short work performance jokes also.
- Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
- The surgeon who performed my circumcision didn't have scalpels. I was surprised they managed to pull it off.
- Lost my job as a hedge fund manager today, not sure if due to dress code or work performance! All the boss would tell me is something about my shorts and that that they didn't cover.
- My annual performance review says I lack "passion & intensity", guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.
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Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Performance Management Jokes
What funny jokes about performance management you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean live performances jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make performance management pranks.
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm
A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between a failed jewel thief and a man who performed a s**... change on himself?
One of them managed to pull it off.
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals
to increase their diversity...
... "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
A couple are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary....
A couple are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary when the husband asks his wife if she's ever been unfaithful.
"Three times," answer the wife. "Remember when you needed money to start up your business and no one would give you any? Well I slept with the bank manager to secure you a loan."
"You made that sacrifice for me?" asks the astonished husband. "That was wonderful of you. What was the second time?"
"Remember that operation you needed that no one would perform because it was too dangerous? Well, I slept with the surgeon so he'd do it."
"Oh my God," says the husband. "You saved my life. And what was the third time?"
"Well," says his wife, "Remember when you wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 52 votes short...?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... is speaking to his advisers...
He was surrounded by all of the lead managers and advisers of his entire r**.... His main adviser told him how amazing and efficient Germany was.
"All of ze industries are over performing and creating enough resources for ze new world. Except perhaps ze mining industry, sir. Zey are performing so vell, ve have TOO much ore! Should ve cut ze number of ores ve mine?"
h**... thinks for a bit and agrees with "Yes, then ve shall mine less ore,"
Just then, another adviser barged into the room and yelled: "MINE FEWER!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Proctologist visit
*This is and old joke, sorry if it does not translate as well to english.
*
A man goes to a proctologist, for a check up.
The doctor, after some small talk ask him to drop trousers, and bend over. He l**... his finger and stick it in.
After a minute the doctor says.
Doctor - Sir, i have bad news. I am afraid you are going to have to stop m**....
The man clearly is taken aback from this preposterous comment, and just manages to say "why?"
The doctor calm as ever, and still wearing him as a ventriloquist doll says: "Cause I am still in the room performing this exam."
A Parrot and a magician on a ship
A Magician, who performs magic tricks on a ship had a parrot which helped him perform his tricks. One day, the parrot died so the magician replaced him with a new one.
On the night of his first show, the parrot would keep giving away his tricks "It's in the hat"..."it's up his sleeve"..."It's under the table"..fustrated, the magician cut his show short. Shorlty after, there was a hurricane and the ship sunk, the magician and the parrot managed to get them selves onto a raft.
The first day passed and not a word was spoken, the magician and his parrot were sat there lookign at each other waiting for help. As day 2 arrised, the parrot is looking around confused and fustrated. Eventually, the parrot turns to the magician and says "Alright, i give up. What have you done with the ship".
Physics joke
A man is interested in placing a bet on a horse race; only he's a smart, educated guy and doesn't want to blow his money on the wrong horse. He decides to consult a vet, a statistician an a physicist.
He goes to the vet. The vet examines the horses for a few minutes, then points to a horse and says: "this is the healthiest, strongest, horse. He'll probably win".
He then goes to the statistician. The statistician takes a couple of hours to analyze all the previous races of all contending horses. He takes into account the horse's nutrition, the weather, the day of the week, the number of spectators and many other factors. In the end, he points to a horse and says that, based on past performance, it has the highest probability of winning the race.
Finally, the man goes to a physicist. The physicist thinks for a few minutes and tells him he needs a few days to think it over. A day passes, then two days, then three. It's finally a day before the race and the bets have to be placed. But still there's no word from the physicist. The man decides he has to get an answer so he angrily calls the physicist himself. His reply? "listen, the problem you've given me was harder than I anticipated. By now, I only managed to solve it for a spherical horse in vacuum".