performance Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious performance puns

As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

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After sex a woman tells a man that she didn't like his performance, that his organ was to small.

He looks at her and says "I didn't know I would be playing in a cathedral".

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I used to own a racing snail...

It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

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I'm turning 50 tomorrow and my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers, so I did...

She's 22 and her name is Candy...

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Street Performance

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

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Aladdin Banned from Flying Carpet Racing

Sources say for use of Performance Enhancing Rugs

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My German girlfried likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale 1-10. [NSFW]

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done

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The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

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The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday's performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

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After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

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A magician lost a leg during his performance.

The audience was suprised he could pull it off.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen are having trouble seeing his performance, so he stands on a large wooden box and calls out "Can you see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Sí"

"Ja"

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I got in trouble for using performance enhancing drugs

I took a placebo before my psychology exam

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My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary"

Turns out it was just a play on words.

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A drunk man is at a bar and tells everyone he can fart the Star Spangled Banner...

The bartender says "go ahead!"

The man stands on the bar completely naked and proceeds to shit all over the bar.

The bartender says "What the hell did you do that for?"

The drunk then says "C'mon! Even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before a performance!"

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The wedding night

A young women marries a very rich very old man. On the wedding night they have adjoining suites. The young woman tells her husband that she loves him for his mind and that he should feel no performance pressure. If he feels up to sex to just knock on her door.
She goes to bed expecting a restful and undisturbed night but about 5 minutes later there is a knock and in comes the old man. They proceed to have fairly rambunctious sex after which the old man returns to his room. The bride settles back to go to sleep. 10 min later there is another knock at the door and in he comes again, and another round of sex. Afterward he again leaves. The young bride is very tired by now and is looking forward to a good night's sleep. 10 minutes later there is another knock at the door. She bursts out incredulously, "Again?". The old man opens the door and replies, "What? Have I been here before?"

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Two men discuss vasectomies...

First: "I'm thinking about getting a vasectomy, but I'm worried about performance..."
Second:" I had one, I was worried at first but after a while I realized there just wasn't a vas deferens"

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A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his sexual performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests masturbating a couple of hours before a sexual encounter.

After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.

The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"

"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.

The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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Young teacher

A school inspector joins the class of a young female primary teacher to assess her performance. He sits down at the back of class and takes out his notebook.
The young teacher writes a sentence on the board, steps to one side and looks meaningfully at the children. No reaction. Silence.
She goes back to the board, takes a ruler, underlines the sentence in blue, steps to one side and looks meaningfully at the children. No reaction. Silence.
Sighing, the teacher turns back to the board, draws a box around the sentence in red and says, "Well?"
Little Johny is sitting in the back row; his hand shoots up.
"Yes, Johnny," says the teacher.
"I'd shag the arse off that any day of the week!" says Johnny.
"No, Johnny," says the teacher, blushing, "that's not what I wrote."
Johnny turns to the school inspector:
"Silly twat! Make sure you get the answer right next time you whisper."

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Arguing on the Internet is like sex with a goat

No matter how good your performance, everyone else now thinks less of you.

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A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.

The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

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There was a stand-up comedian notorious for his
practical jokes.

So one day, during a performance, he asked that anyone from the audience come on to the stage. A blond girl walked up. He asked her, "Can you tell us a joke?". The blond girl was well aware that the comedian was trying to pull some prank. She had decided that, no matter what, she would not fall for any of his tricks. So she took the mike from him, and proudly announced to the audience: "I'm not stupid!".

It took a whole minute for the uproar of laughter to settle.

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My dad just won the nonexistent Grammy joke competition.

We're watching the Grammys as a family when the Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood performance came up. We watched it in silence and then talked about the performance once it finished. My mother thought Sam Hunt looked similar to someone and thus the joke begins:

Mom: "Hmm. That guy looks like someone else. Does he have any family?"

Dad: (gives a thoughtful look before replying) "Yeah he looks really familiar... Oh! His brother is Mike!"

Mom: "Mike Hunt?..."

(My dad breaks out into the biggest grin on record and we both start laughing our asses off)

Mom: "Oh **dammit.**"

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Mr. Larkin isn't satisfied with the performance of his class

So on day, he says with an odious smile:

'Please, whoever thinks they're an idiot: stand up!'

Big silence, everyone remains seated. Suddenly, a young man stands up carefully.

'So, you think the appellation of "idiot" applies to you, do you?' asks Mr. Larkin in a derisory tone.

'Honestly? Not really. I just couldn't bear to see you stand alone, sir.'

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"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"

The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"

The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."

"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"

"That he really likes 'Puns': a funny play on words"

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The Biggest Joke of 2016

Mariah Carey's Performance at Dick Clarks Rockin New Years Eve

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I'd never let my kids watch an orchestral performance.

Too much sax and violins.

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Boss: "Your performance has been terrible, you're fired."

Me: *Hands in gun and badge*

Boss: "you work at McDonald's how the hell did you get those"

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The neighbor's dog always made Johnny wake up at night...

All the barking made having a good night's rest difficult. It came to a point that having little sleep affected his performance at work. Once he was caught by his boss drooling on the keyboard.

Johnny went to the doctor and explained his situation.

"Here's some sleeping pills. That ought to solve your problem." said the doctor.

A couple of days passed and Johnny returned to the doctor.

"The sleeping pills work alright, but is there any other way?" asked Johnny.

"What exactly do you mean?"

"Well, it's always a struggle at night, I get scratched every once in a while. It's not easy forcing those pills into that damn dog's mouth."

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English, French, Spanish, German

Four guys, one English, one French, one Spanish and one German are walking down the road.
They come to a square where a large crowd has gathered. They realise that a street performer is currently performing there, but they cannot see him because of the crowd.
So the English guy shouts, "We can't see you!"
Since everyone is quiet and watching his performance, the performer hears this. He pushes over a nearby table, stands on it and asks, "How about now?"
And the four guys reply,
"Yes." "We." "See". "Ya."

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Modern art is easy to understand.

If you take a dump on someone's door mat, ring the bell and run away - it's an installation. If you ring the bell and then take a dump - it's a performance.

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Mariah Carey'a New Year's performance.

That's it...

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The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of the conductor's score, to alert them so they can get back in time.
Performance night rolls around, and the curtains roll up to a magnificent opening segment. The bassists duck behind the percussion and run to the nearest bar. They order a couple of drinks and joke to themselves about how ridiculous they look in tailed, double-breasted tuxedos when suddenly they are approached by a man dressed even more formally, wearing a crown and long gown. He introduces himself as the Count of Bavaria, a true regal fellow. Before they know it everybody is chatting it up and the Count orders a *huge* plate of nachos. This is a massive plate - big enough for three men - but the Count, he must be starving because he eats every last bite. The bassists are enjoying their drinks and starting to get a bit drunk, when they notice they've got to rush back... Meanwhile, back at the performance, the conductor has turned the last page. He sees the string, and it dawns on him: it's the bottom of the ninth, the bassists are loaded and the count is full.

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I went to see a concert performance by the Royal Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra...

Half way through the first symphony, the triangle player vanished...

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Three old ladies are discussing their husbands while having tea.

Three old ladies are out for tea and discussing their husbands performance in the sack.
They decide to have some fun and describe their husbands as soda pops.
The first lady says "my husband is probably Mountain Dew. Because when im ready to mount. Hes ready to do"
The second lady says, still giggling, "My hudband is 7 up, cause when its seven hes always up"
The third lady says "My husband is defenitely Jack Daniels"
The other two ladies reply "But thats not a soda! Thats a hard liquor!"
The third lady shouts "Thats my Leroy!"

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What are the most funny Performance jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Performance? Well, here are the best Performance dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Performance pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes