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Performance Jokes

165 performance jokes and hilarious performance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about performance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Get ready to laugh! This article takes a closer look at the humour behind work performance, looking at jokes about performance reviews, anxiety, management, testing, and rating. Learn about how performers tackle jokes from the concert hall to the recital stage.

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Funniest Performance Short Jokes

Short performance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The performance humour may include short playing jokes also.

  1. I think the most patriotic part of the entire super bowl was Rihanna's halftime performance Because there's nothing more American than for a woman to work while she's pregnant.
  2. Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii? Because the audience only responds in a low ha
  3. My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!! Upvote for visibility.
  4. Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure. I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
  5. I failed my chemistry lab exam. I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.
  6. I used to own a racing snail... It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish
  7. What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job? He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
  8. Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure. Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
  9. Did you here about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes? They performed unspeakable acts on her.
  10. Longest Drum Solo The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.

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Performance One Liners

Which performance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with performance? I can suggest the ones about plays and concert.

  1. I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform But I partied like it was $19.99
  2. Anyone see 50 cent perform at the Super Bowl? Inflation is real
  3. Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing? He couldn't handle the boos.
  4. String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violin.
  5. As usual for Germany ... they perform better in '14 than in '18.
  6. How much do people who perform circumcisions get paid? $50/h plus tips
  7. I used to perform circumcisions for a living. I got tons of tips.
  8. I once was kidnapped by mimes. They performed unspeakable acts
  9. Why does the cell always fail at Math? It performs division for multiplication.
  10. What do you call a fish that performs brain surgeries? A neurosturgeon
  11. So a magician on a cruise night has a show every night... NOTSONINJA
  12. I quit being a stand up comedian... Every time I performed people would just laugh at me
  13. A performer fell through the floor It was just a stage he was going through
  14. I'd never let my kids watch an orchestral performance. Too much sax and violins.
  15. Why was Aladdin disqualified from the Rio Olympics? He was on performance-enhancing rug.

Work Performance Jokes

Here is a list of funny work performance jokes and even better work performance puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I work as a Customs Officer and yesterday I had my yearly performance review. They feel I'm borderline incompetent.
  • Lost my job as a hedge fund manager today, not sure if due to dress code or work performance! All the boss would tell me is something about my shorts and that that they didn't cover.
  • I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".
  • I was once asked in a job interview if I could perform under pressure. I said, "I do my best work at one atmosphere."
  • I have to admit that I lied at my interview when asked if I perform well under pressure I hate working on this submarine
  • I have a bullet like work ethic I perform like I have just been fired
  • If Fifth Harmony was unable to perform at the nhl All Star... They can still have an option to work from home via satellite.
  • All work and no play makes Jack an unsuccessful stage performer.
  • My annual performance review says I lack "passion & intensity", guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.
  • Working here is like working in a w**.... The better you perform, the more often you get s**....

Performance Testing Jokes

Here is a list of funny performance testing jokes and even better performance testing puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • WebMD has integrated Google's Deepmind. On startup it performed a self diagnostic test.
    Turns out, it's cancer.
  • Positive Corona cases are way down in Texas over the last few days... It requires power to perform the test.
  • I bought a backpack that was field tested... ...They didn't say anything about how well it performed on the test, but I was glad that they showed some initiative.
  • What do IT companies and cannabis dispensaries have in common? They both regularly perform strain tests.
  • How does a chemist rate a party He performs a lit-ness test
  • What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum? A control freak.
  • What tests do astronauts perform on their equipment? A sat-alight
  • A little advice on poetry..... If you don't know if you like a poem or not just perform the ex lax test. See if it moves you
  • I can't blame them for disqualifying Sha'Carri Richardson after she tested positive for m**.... It's definitely a performance enhancing drug. I smoke w**... and can run a 3-day mile.
Performance joke, I can't blame them for disqualifying Sha'Carri Richardson after she tested positive for m**....

Performance Management Jokes

Here is a list of funny performance management jokes and even better performance management puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • At a recent job interview, the hiring manager asked me if I can perform under pressure.
    I said no, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody.
  • Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
  • The surgeon who performed my circumcision didn't have scalpels. I was surprised they managed to pull it off.
  • What is the difference between a failed jewel thief and a man who performed a s**... change on himself? One of them managed to pull it off.

Performance Review Jokes

Here is a list of funny performance review jokes and even better performance review puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do Hispanic performance reviews take so long? They spend too much time on their GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALSSSS
  • Trump is breathing a sigh of relief today... He just aced his performance review and probably got another bonus.
Performance joke, Trump is breathing a sigh of relief today...

Uplifting Performance Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about performance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean acting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make performance pranks.

Street Performance

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

The older man and his problems

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform s**.... He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more s**... and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"

A Broken Watch

A guy is walking down the street and suddenly notices that his watch has stopped working. As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.
The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the proprietor, "Excuse me, my watch has stopped working. I wonder if you can repair it for me?"
The proprietor looks up from his desk and says, "What are you talking about? I'm not a watchmaker--I'm a mohel. I perform circumcisions."
Confused, the gentleman asks, "Well then why do you have so many watches and clocks in your window?"
The mohel calmly replies, "What would you prefer that I display?"

How many members of an identifiable group does it take to perform a common task?

A certain number! One to actually perform the task, and the rest to act in a manner stereotypical of the group.

Rabbi

So today I was wondering, when a rabbi performs a circumsision, does he get paid or does he just keep the tips?

Man walks into Bar with a Dog ...

Man walks into Bar with a Dog and orders 2 Glasses of Whiskey.
He & his Dog empty the Glasses.
Girl behind the Bar is surprised and asks - Can your Dog perform any other tricks?
Man-Yes, He can fully satisfy a Woman.
Girl is too curious.. Deciding that she'll test the dog, she undresses and lies in full expectation.
Dog looks at her and does nothing....
Man to Dog: It's always the same with you, now this is the last time I am showing you how to do it..

After the resurrection, Jesus was hanging out with Peter, fishing.......


Jesus says, "I feel like performing a miracle. What should I do?"
Peter says, "How about the walking-on-water gig?"
Jesus agrees, steps out of the boat, and slowly starts sinking as he walks around.
Peter helps him back into the boat and asks, "Why didn't it work this time?"
Jesus replies, "I'm not sure, maybe it's the holes in my feet."

I was fired from work at school...

So, due to a minor defect at birth, I was born with Strabismus, and up until last Friday, I was happy performing my duties as a teacher.
Unfortunately, I was fired. My boss told me he couldn't have a teacher in his school that couldn't control his pupils.

A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."

The wedding night

A young women marries a very rich very old man. On the wedding night they have adjoining suites. The young woman tells her husband that she loves him for his mind and that he should feel no performance pressure. If he feels up to s**... to just knock on her door.
She goes to bed expecting a restful and undisturbed night but about 5 minutes later there is a knock and in comes the old man. They proceed to have fairly rambunctious s**... after which the old man returns to his room. The bride settles back to go to sleep. 10 min later there is another knock at the door and in he comes again, and another round of s**.... Afterward he again leaves. The young bride is very tired by now and is looking forward to a good night's sleep. 10 minutes later there is another knock at the door. She bursts out incredulously, "Again?". The old man opens the door and replies, "What? Have I been here before?"

A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...

A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.
The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:
-- Rabbi, what can be done?!
-- Do you still have the internet connection?
-- Yes!
-- Sell the ship!

The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

New Prostate Exam Joke

A man goes to the doctor for his first prostate exam. While the Doctor is performing the exam, he says to the patient, " Don't be embarassed, its common for men to get an e**... during this part of the exam".
The patient answers "I don't have an e**..."
The Doctor replies "I know, I do"

An accordion player goes to a bar

After a long night at performing at a local restaurant, an accordion player goes to have a few late night drinks. He drives up to the bar and goes inside. After finishing his first drink, he realizes he left his car unlocked! He rushed outside, opened the trunk of his car.....but it was too late....a 2nd accordion was already there!

Two magicians walk into a bakery

The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he'd like to see a magic trick. The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclaims "Ta-Dah." The bakery is angered and asks "Well what's the magic trick?" The second magician replies "Look in my friend's pocket."

My dad's a magician

Bob: What does your father do for a living?
Joe: He's a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German

were watching an excellent street performer juggling. The street performing noticed the four gentlemens were having trouble seeing him, so he stood up on a crate and asked "can you see me now?".
The four men answered back "Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja"

I got r**... by a troupe of mimes last night

They performed unspeakable acts.

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a p**....

"For $200 I'll perform any act you want, provided you can describe it in 3 words."
The man thinks about the offer for a moment then hands over the money and replies,
"Paint my house."

The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job.

I have half a mind to tell him so.

A hispanic magician was performing a magic trick

The magician said that he could make himself disappear within 3 seconds! So, he waves his cape in front of his face and says "uno, dos!" and just like that, he disappeared without a tres!

Little Billy started playing o**... when he was 5

Little Billy started playing o**... when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day came. He went to the audition room and started to play, but no sound would come out. The o**... was broken. The judge immediately arranged for another o**.... As Billy began to play, the o**... also creaked and then ceased to make a sound. The judge arranged for yet another o**... for Billy, but that one broke down as well. The judge suddenly collapsed to the ground.
At the hospital, the doctors pronounced the judge dead and performed an autopsy.
"The cause of death appears to be multiple o**... failure."

Two men discuss vasectomies...

First: "I'm thinking about getting a vasectomy, but I'm worried about performance..."
Second:" I had one, I was worried at first but after a while I realized there just wasn't a vas deferens"

Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.

What do you call it when a Dinosaur can't perform in bed?

A reptile dysfunction.
Thank high me for that one.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".

When I was a child, I was r**... by a group of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me.

A new study of dolphins was recently performed...

The study showed that within a few weeks in captivity, they were able to teach humans to stand at the edge of their pool and throw fish at them.

Marine Biologists

A team of marine biologists accidentally catch a porpoise in one of their nets. They about to let it go, when they notice it has feet! They study it and perform tests, and are now ready to release it. One of the biologists asks, "Why don't we cut its feet off?" To which the other replies, "That would defeat the porpoise!"

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.
Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"
Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".
Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"
Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"
Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time."
Man looks back to wife: "You see!"

A Mexican performs a magic trick.

He tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *p**...* … he disappeared without a tres!

A man comes home from work...

A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, n**..., and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."

Mr. Larkin isn't satisfied with the performance of his class

So on day, he says with an odious smile:
'Please, whoever thinks they're an idiot: stand up!'
Big silence, everyone remains seated. Suddenly, a young man stands up carefully.
'So, you think the appellation of "idiot" applies to you, do you?' asks Mr. Larkin in a derisory tone.
'Honestly? Not really. I just couldn't bear to see you stand alone, sir.'

After s**..., my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

After s**... a woman tells a man that she didn't like his performance, that his o**... was to small.

He looks at her and says "I didn't know I would be playing in a cathedral".

Arguing on the Internet is like s**... with a goat

No matter how good your performance, everyone else now thinks less of you.

A Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer juggle.

The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands on a large wooden box and calls out can you see me now?
Yes
Oui
Si
Ja

"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"

The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"
The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."
"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"
"That he really likes 'Puns': a funny play on words"

I just watched an Imam trying to perform a tracheotomy on a Labrador while free-falling at 10,000 feet...

... I'm not sure extreme vetting for Muslims is such a good idea.

I was a big fan of Extreme Vetting

Then I found out it isn't a show about skydiving into the desert to perform dog surgery.

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing...

They're watching a street performer do some juggling. The juggler then sees that the 4 men have a bad view so he stands up on a big wooden box and says "can you see me now?" The 4 men respond:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

I took a job at a zoo performing elephant circumcisions

The benefits aren't great, but the tips are huge.

A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.

As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
What are those for? he asks suspiciously.
I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.
Well, show me, the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!

TIL lions perform o**... s**... on each other.

Talk about swallowing your pride.

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,
Due to recent i**... activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.
-Sincerely, your ISP.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary"

Turns out it was just a play on words.

A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a p**......

... "For $200, I'll perform any act for you," she tells him, "provided that you can describe the act in three words." The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. "OK, tell me what you want me to do, but remember, only in three words," she tells him. The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, "Paint my house."

What do Dora the Explorer and Internet Explorer have in common?

They both take 20 minutes to perform a simple task.

A magician lost a leg during his performance.

The audience was suprised he could pull it off.

An englishman, a Frenchman, a spaniard, and a German

Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.
The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..

I got in trouble for using performance enhancing drugs

I took a placebo before my psychology exam

A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.
The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

A pianist performing in a subway terminal...

was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.
Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.
I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"
To which he replied, "I cannot play piano without my metro-gnome."

Aladdin Banned from Flying Carpet Racing

Sources say for use of Performance Enhancing Rugs

Scientists have recently discovered a new bioluminescent bug that performs a strange dance any time there is a full moon.

They are calling it a Raving Luna Tick.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street artist perform.

The act is spectacular, but the four gentlemen are having a tough time getting a good view.
The performer, by some coincidence, notices this and stands up on a large wooden box to give them a better view. He then calls out to them "Can all of you see me now?"
They each reply:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja."

The Nigerian football team were so disappointed with Saturday's performance that they have said they will personally refund all expenses to fans who travelled to support them.

All they need to do is send bank details, sort codes & PINs, and they will transfer the money directly …

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German were in the side of a street...

On the street was a performer who was juggling. The juggler noticed the four men had poor eyesight so the juggler stood on a wooden box and exclaimed "Can you see me now?!" The three men responded
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

Performance joke, An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German were in the side of a street...

jokes about performance