Perfect Man Jokes
102 perfect man jokes and hilarious perfect man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about perfect man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Perfect Man Short Jokes
Short perfect man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The perfect man humour may include short perfect husband jokes also.
- in the beginning God created Man and said "I have created the perfect woman and wife for you, and put her in all four corners of the globe" then he made the world round and LAUGHED.
- Did you hear about the man who spent his whole life trying to perfect cloning technology? When it finally happened, he was beside himself.
- A man exclaims, "I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make.. ..the ultimate sack of rice."
- Doc,what's really wrong with me? Tell me straight. "Well,there isn't a single thing wrong with you. Everything is perfect."
"Good" the man replies. "Could you tell my wife that?" - The other day I tell my wife, "when I look into the mirror I only see an old fat man, I need you to make me feel better about myself." She says "you have perfect eyesight."
- A man meets a woman at a bar and invites her back to his place... She says "I'm on my menstrual cycle".
He replies "Perfect! You can follow me on my mountain bike". - A man had trouble trusting people However, everytime he used paper towels to clean his nose, he was perfectly fine.
He had trust tissues. - "Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment." - A nurse walks into the doctors office and says "Doctor, there's an invisible man here to see you" The doctor replied "Tell him I can't see him" [](/perfect)
- A couple is going on vacation to the Maldives. The woman steps out of the airplain and says: "Wow this is beautiful, im speechless!"
The man replies: "Perfect we are staying 6 month."
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Perfect Man One Liners
Which perfect man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with perfect man? I can suggest the ones about handsome man and strong man.
- To be frank I'd have to get a new ID
And ofcourse be a perfect man - Why does the disinterested Italian man have perfect skin? Because he's aloof-a
- A wise man once told me, "Screw Perfect." 40 years later and I still haven't found her.
- I don't see race. I also don't see gender. Nope. Everyone is a perfect white man to me.
- I saw a white man give a perfect impression of a black man once. The police shot him.
- Why is "Amanda" the perfect name for a trans man? Because she's a man, duh!
Perfect Man Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about perfect man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wise man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make perfect man pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a s**.
.. problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following pad.
The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas."
The woman obliged and removed her clothing.
"Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on."
While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an e**... either."
No man can perfectly predict the weather, not even Chuck Norris.
But the weather DOES try to predict what kind of day Chuck would like to have...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark n**... holding a six pack.
A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Perfect memory
A man is driving cross country and pulls into a rest stop. As he's about to leave a traveling side show gets out of their truck. The bearded lady, the midget, the guy tattooed to look like a tiger all file out and head into the rest stop and an old Indian stays behind.
The man walks up to the Indian and says "what's your bit, you look totally normal."
"I have perfect memory. Ask me anything."
"Alright. What did you have for breakfast June 17, 1983?"
"Eggs"
Satisfied with the answer the man walks back to his car and drives off.
A few years later he's at a circus and he sees the same side-show. He seeks out the old Indian and greets him by saying "How"
"Scrambled"
Perfect Man, Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus are in a car.
The car goes out of control and crashes into the side of a building, only one survives, who is it?
The Perfect woman survived because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren't real.
Still, just goes to show that even the perfect woman can't drive.
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck...
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his
two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck.
The only survivor was Julia Gillard.
That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had s**... for months.
Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she
could do for him.
He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!'
The Indian with a great memory
When I was a kid, everyone all over the country would come to visit the Indian reservation to meet one person. He was the only man in the world to have a perfect memory, but people were only allowed to ask one question. My family decided to go visit him for ourselves, and when we got there I had the perfect question.
"Excuse me sir, what did you have for breakfast when you were 15 years old?"
He replied, "Eggs." and that was that. I was disappointed by his answer, but there was nothing I could do.
Ten years later I recognized the man sitting by himself in a park. I walked up to him, held my hand up with the palm up, and said "How". He said "Scrambled."
Old men and young women
Two elderly gentlemen were talking together.
"I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why, just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me. But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."
"Well," his friend said, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"But great googly-moogly, man! I'm so much older than she!"
"Oh. Well, maybe she's attracted to the fatherly type."
"No, I don't think so. She also mentioned something about 'Carbon 14.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller...
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is m**... Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station
A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.
He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.
The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."
The man says, "W-w-wait a moment, I c-c-can fix this."
He opens his breifcase, and about 200 condoms fall out, he digs deeper and pulls out a bottle of aspitin.
He take a single aspirin, and then re-reads his copy perfectly, his wink having vanished.
The producer is dumbfounded, and he says, "Thanks fantastic, but what's with the condoms?"
The man says, "This is what they give you if you stutter and wink and ask for aspirin at the pharmacy.
The Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued:
"Have you any grounds?"
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
It's made of concrete.
"I don' think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
No, we have carport, and not need one.
"I mean what are your relations like?"
All my relations still in Poland .
" Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
"Does your wife beat you up?"
No, I'm always up before her each morning.
"Is your wife a nagger?"
No, she white.
"Why do you want this divorce?"
She going to kill me.
"What makes you think that?"
I got proof.
"What kind of proof?"
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:
POLISH REMOVER
Dropping off a Cat
A man hated his wife's cat and wanted get rid of it. He drove 2 miles from home and dropped off the cat.
The cat was already walking up their driveway as he got back to their house.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 6 miles away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing how far away he took the cat but the cat kept coming back. Finally, he decided to drive the cat 30 miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and left the cat there.
Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her, "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
"Put that cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said
"I have a s**... problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "t**... clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an e**... either."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, where he sees a gorgeous redhead across the table from him...
...He'd noticed her when he first sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye goes flying at the man. He reflexively grabs her eye out of the air and hands it back to her. "Oh my, I am so sorry!" the woman said as she put the eye back in. "Not a problem ma'am, would you like to come over to my place this evening?" said the man. She agreed and stayed the night.
After a wild night, the man wakes up to the woman cooking breakfast for him, and it tasted delicious! The man says "You are the perfect woman! Do you do this to every man you meet?" "Actually, you're the first," said the woman. "You just happened to catch my eye"
So a woman was looking for a man who wouldn't beat her, run away from her, and was good in bed...
She placed an ad online and waited for people to show up. A lot of men came to the door, but none of them were right for her. One day, a man with no arms and no legs came over. He said "I'm the perfect guy for you... I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away."
"But how do I know you're good in bed?" The woman asked.
The man smiled and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is m**... Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".
The secret to wealth
A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."
Elderly Woman and Her Cat
An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes."
The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again." The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. "I would like lots of money!" she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her. The woman stops, "My cat here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?" The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.
"Why hello" she says coyly. He looks at her, "Don't look at me, you had me neutered."
Golfing on the sabbath
One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"
90 year old caddie
A man was looking for a new caddie one day when his friend said " I know a great caddie - he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk""OK then " said the man "tell him I'm playing again in a week.
The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddie "did you see where it went" The caddie then said "yes""
OK then where is it?"
The caddie replied "I forgot.
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.
The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. He rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing "Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
A man enters a variety show
With his miniature companion, a small foot tall man and a miniature piano, not more than 20 inches across.
The mini man sits at his mini stool and plays the piano perfectly-- a classic Motzart concerto.
He wins the $5,000 top prize and the emcee asks, "So how did you come across a miniature man that plays the piano so well!?"
"Well, I found an old oil lamp and freed a Genie inside, so he granted me one wish-- unfortunately he was hard of hearing."
"How's that?" The emcee asked.
"You Think I wished for a 12 inch PIANIST?!"
You want some some dating advice? Here you go.
A man wanted to find a woman and asked the computer to find him the perfect match: "I want someone who is small and cute, loves the water sports and enjoys group activities."
Back came the answer: "Marry a penguin."
Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker.
Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries.
Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. "Tell me your troubles my children."
"Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury i suffered years ago." The first man says.
"Be healed, Child." Jesus says. The man immediately stands stall and does jumping jacks, feeling true relief.
"Lord, I can barely see. I was blinded by a flash-bang in Iraq, I need these thick glasses just to function." The second man says. Jesus takes his glasses away and they crumble into fine powder. the man can see with perfect 20-20 vision.
The union worker, seeing this, shouts "Don't touch me! I'm on permanent disability!"
Christmas in July
A guy wants to get a really unique gift for his new wife for their fist Christmas together so he walks into a pet store with a sign advetising an amazing singing parrot. He goes to the counter to explain his situation and inquires about the bird. The shop keeper explains the bird would be perfect and takes the man over to show him what the bird can do.
The shop keeper explains that the bird's name is Chet and that he works on cues then produces a book of matches from his pocket. Lighting one he holds it below the parrots right foot and immediately Chet begins to sing "Silent Night" so beuatiful it rivals Perry Como. The keeper then moves the match to the left foot and Chet begans singing "White Christmas" even more beautifully than the first song.
The man exclaims "Thats amazing, does he know any other songs?"
Oh yes, replies the shop keeper as he moves the match to between the birds legs..."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire"
A man brought some cookies to a party...
His friend approached him later during the party. He asked for the recipe to show his wife.
"You see, the secret trick is that I put the dough in my belly button to measure out the perfect size of each cookie," he tells his friend.
"That's absolutely disgusting," says the friend.
He answers, "Oh, you're not going to like the way I make donuts then."
This is for Robin Williams
A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"
The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented."
The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci."
Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP.
A man walks up to another man...
...and in perfect unison they say to each other, How am I supposed to know if I suffer from narcissistic personality disorder? Taken aback they stare at each other for a few more moments. After a few seconds the owner walks over and says, Sir this is a mirror store. To which the man replied, SHUT UP! Can't you see I'm flirting?
An old russian joke I heard a long time ago
In the middle his night patrol, a police officer notices a guy walking around a wooden barrel. He steps out of his vehicle, approaches, and asks, "hey, comrade, are you drunk?"
The man responds: "No, God forbid, I am perfectly sober, comrade officer! Besides I am almost home, my house is right after this fence!"
The Camping Trip
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The embarrassed s**... active middle aged woman
A s**... active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her v**... lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him.
"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" the woman asked.
"That's from a man in the burns unit -
he wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a cat
Why women are smarter? cause they pick on the perfect gender. And the l**...? they pick the smarter!
My Sight
A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try."
"That's no good" he said. "Kevin's 103. He can't help."
"He may be a 103, but his eyesight is perfect," replied the wife.
The next day, he took Kevin to the golf course. He tees, takes a mighty swing and squint down the fairway, then turned to Kevin and said, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did" replied Kevin. " I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" he asked.
"Where did what go?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: **"Anyone know whose phone this is?"**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man takes his son to the police station
A man takes his son to the police station to get him a job as a cop. He meets the lieutenant and tells him. "Take my son, he's really s**... and I think he fits perfectly here."
"How s**... is he?" says the lieutenant.
"Watch this. Son, go outside and see if father is outside." The son goes outside and comes back in and says "No father, father wasn't outside."
"See? I told you he's s**...."
The lieutenant says "You're right, he could have looked through the window instead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor, I have a s**... problem.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a s**... problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "t**... clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an e**... either."
3 men are arrested at a public pool, and go to court
The first man steps up to the defendant's stand, and the judge says to him: "State your name and crime."
So the first man says: "my name is Billy your honour, and I was just blowing bubbles in the pool."
So the judge says "well Billy, that is a bit weird, but perfectly legal. You're free to go."
So Billy leaves the courtroom, and the next man is called up
"My name is Bobby your honour, and I was also just blowing bubbles in the pool."
So the judge replies, "well Bobby, as I said to Billy. That is a bit strange at your age, but again, perfectly legal. You are free to go."
So Bobby leaves the courtroom, and the third man steps up.
"Your honour, my name is Bubbles--"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds a magic lamp while walking.
He rubs it and out pops a Genie.
Genie - *"You have three wishes but there's a catch. Whatever you wish for your wife gets double"*
Man - *"Okay great, for my first wish I want a 50 room mansion on a 100 acres of land"*
Genie - *"Granted, your wife gets a 100 room mansion on 200 acres"*
Man - *"For my second wish I wish for one Billion dollars"*
Genie - *"Granted, but remember, your wife gets two Billion"*
Man - *"That's perfect, for my last wish, take that stick over there and beat me half to death with it..."*
Cafe Chit Chat
At a local cafe, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night! An old granny overheard and spoke up, Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!
A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery
The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is invited to a costume party...
where the theme is to come as something or someone that represents your s**... life. After thinking a little, he finally comes up with the perfect costume!
As he enters the party, the host comes up to ask him about his costume.
"I'm curious, how does Abraham Lincoln represent your s**... life?"
"Easy," he replies. "My last four scores were seven years ago!"
A man sadly became blind.
The doctor said "Conventional medicine offered no cure, BUT! I believe I can cure you by replacing your eyes with cheese!
The man gasped in horror, but was convinced he had no other option, so he said yes.
After the operation, the man opened his eyes. The doctor asked "How's your vision now?" The man answered "Not perfect, but gouda'nough!"
The Perfect Man
So one day, a man is sitting at work with his co-worker:
Man: I'm really happy with life right now. Kids are doing great in school, wife loves me and puts out every night, and my doctor says I'm the picture of perfect health.
Co-worker: Wow! That sounds so great! Is there anything wrong with you?
Man: Well my therapist says I'm a compulsive liar, but what does she know?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman looks at herself in the mirror in disgust.
Woman: I feel really horrible. Look at me, old, fat and ugly. I think I have lost my charm.
Man: Hmmm, well it isn't all bad.
Woman: What do you mean?
Man: At least you have perfect eyesight.
The perfect shot.
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."
One day, a violent husband leaves his wife.
She posts an ad in a local newspaper: "Looking for a new man. The one who will not beat me, run away, and is good in bed."
Couple of days later someone knocks on her door. She opens them, and there's a guy in a wheelchair, missing both arms and legs.
"Hi. I think I'm a perfect man for you. I don't have arms, so I can't beat you, and because I have no legs, I can't run away."
"But are you good in bed?" she asks.
He just smiles and says: "Well how do you think I knocked?"
Hearing Better Now
An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now."
Oh no," the man responded. I haven't told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I've changed my will four times."
A woman posts an ad in the paper looking for a patner
In the ad, the woman stats that the man has to be loving, loyal, and good in bed. After 2 weeks of no one responding to the ad she starts to lose hope of ever finding a lover. The next day her doorbell bell rings, the woman opens the door to see a man with no arms and no legs on her porch. The man had seen her ad and starts listing why he is her perfect partner; "I have no arms, so I can never beat you and I have no legs, so I can never leave you." The woman asks "But are you good in bed?" And he says "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
A man walks into a bar with a pet Aligator
So a man walks into a bar with his pet alligator and the bartender says "woah there buddy we don't allow dangerous murdering animals in here" and the guy responds "no, no it's totally tame I'll prove it" and then tells it "open", it opens it mouth and he sets his package in it. After a few minutes he puts it back in his pants and says "see, perfectly tame. Now would anyone else like to try?
Guy at the end of the bar says "yeah, but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long"
Three women were sitting around enjoying a cup of tea and shooting the breeze.
Their conversation eventually turns to the subject of dating, and the first woman says I would absolutely love to find a guy who has a tattoo of two dragons on his shoulder. That would be the man for me.
The second woman responds with You see. I would love to find a guy who's got a tattoo of four dragons, but across his back. I know he would be perfect for me.
The third woman replies Yeah those do sound like great men, you guys. But I guess I'm a little old fashioned. I would just love to find a man who's got one draggin' on the ground.
[OC]A man walks into a hardware store
Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.
Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?
Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Memory
A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico, who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptically, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?"
The Indian answered, "Eggs."
The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony. "
Thirteen years later, the traveller's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist went up to him and said jovially, "How!"
The Indian answered, "Scrambled."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Carpenters
Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. Why are you wasting those perfectly good nails? the second guy answered
They're facing the wrong direction!
You idiot! The older man exclaimed. They're for the other side of the house!
200Years in the future.
A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.
"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"
The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.
"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
LEGIT :)
Legalizing gay marriage and m**... at the same time now makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be s**.... Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
A cryogenically frozen man is woken up in the future...
He is greeted by a beautiful nurse.
Nurse: Congratulations, sir, it's the year 2318. I have some good news and some bad news, though.
Man: Please tell me.
Nurse: Well, we had only last year perfected the technology to wake frozen individuals such as yourself with just one side-effect and decided to test it on you, our very first subject.
Man: What side-effect?
Nurse: We can't ever freeze you a second time.
Man: And the bad news?
Nurse: We still haven't been able to cure the disease that killed you the first time.
A man wandering the desert, finds a lamp...
Skeptical, he rubs the lamp and to his surprise a Genie pops out and says:
"You get three wishes, go."
The man thought for a moment before speaking
"You know, I've thought of the perfect first wish!"
He mulled it over a momemt longer before spouting
"I want the greatest thing life has to offer a person!"
"SO IT SHALL BE" The genie snapped his fingers
And the man dropped dead.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
The Fringe
A man goes to a doctor and says:
Man: Dr, my wife keeps telling me I'm saying the word "fringe" wrong.
Dr: Sounds ok, can you say it again?
Man: Fringe... Fringe, fringe, fringe.
Dr: You're saying it perfectly, I don't see a problem. She's probably messing with you.
So, the man goes home, feeling a lot more confident in his pronunciation of the word fringe.
When he gets home, he takes off his shoes and sits on the couch to watch the game. After a few minutes he asks his wife:
"Hey honey? Can you open the fringe and get me a beer?"
A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"
(Cr
A man was walking past a graveyard
As he moved, he could hear a melodious tune, coming from the graveyard.
Curious, he entered the graveyard, and followed the tune, only to reach Beethoven's grave. On further listening, he identified it to be the 9th Symphony. Shocked, he informed the police. As they arrived, the tune continued, but this time it was the 8th Symphony. The police called the forensics and so on, till the medical examiner arrived. At this time, the tune was still playing, and had reached the 4th Symphony.
The examiner, after requesting for perfect silence, concluded that nothing's wrong, it's just that Beethoven was decomposing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man said "My wife and I know everything about each other! We have the perfect relationship!"
His co-worker then replied "Well, what are the color of her eyes?"
The man, who never paid attention to his wifes eye colour, after work went home to see the colour of this wifes eyes.
Upon entering his bedroom, he saw his wife sitting on the bed, staring at him with her eyes wide open.
He smiled and said "Ah, brown."
Suddenly, Mr Brown came out from under the bed and said "How the h**... did you know I was here?!"