The Best 67 Perfect Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Perfect jokes. There are some perfect immaculate jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these perfect pitch perfect puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Perfect Jokes and Puns

Two Snowmen are in a field...

...and one turns to the other and says "Yeah, you're right, it DOES smell like carrots."

My favorite joke - short, hysterical, and perfect for any occasion.

I'm immortal

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."

"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."

"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.

Kind of makes me immortal.

Five secrets of a perfect Relationship

1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.

Art Thief

An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.

He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"

The thief replies:

"I did not have the Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh"

jokes about perfect

A student goes up to his professor after class...

A student goes up to his professor after class and asks him to define a dilemma. The professor says "I'll do you one better and give you a perfect example. You're laying in bed naked with a gorgeous naked girl on the right of you, and a naked gay guy on your left. Who do you turn your back to?"


Perfect on the spot SFW joke

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.

Perfect joke, Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

My girlfriend was standing nude...

in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw.
She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now."
To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

Wife And Husband

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

The problem with kissing a perfect 10

Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.

You can explore perfect perfection reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean perfect impeccable dad jokes. There are also perfect puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


5 years from now it'll be 2020... I can see it now...

That's a perfect vision joke.

My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.

The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?

The answer should be apparent.

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

Perfect joke, As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

A man goes to a job interview...

His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.

"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"

"I went to Yale"

"Wow great! You're hired"

"Yay, I got a yob!"

A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...

A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"

The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.


My professor asked me to define narcissism

I said "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."

On the perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice?

So... Can I come inside?

What's 6.9?

A perfectly good 69 ruined by a period

My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred

She's a perfect ten but imaginary

Wife: "I look fat. Tell me something to make me feel better."

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!

I asked how he could tell which one is which.

He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.

And Brian has a cock.'

Just because nobody complains

Doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

Perfect joke, Just because nobody complains

My girlfriend is the square root of -100

Perfect 10, but imaginary

A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery

The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"

The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."

With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"

Hey girl, are you click bait?

Because I see 10 reasons why you're perfect and you won't believe #5


Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?

Or am I just breadjudiced?

Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!

The perfect shot.

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem

"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"

"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"

"Ah, bummer mate"

"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"

If someone calls you a nobody, just remember

Nobody's perfect.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.


Perfect girls are found at every corner on the Earth.

Unfortunately the Earth is round.

Did you hear the one about the LGBTQ2S+ community?

They're working together to build the perfect password

A woman is standing naked in front of her bedroom mirror.

"I'm old, saggy and wrinkled," she sighed. Then she turned to her husband who was sitting in bed, reading. "I could really do with you saying something nice, you know."

He looked up. "Your eyesight's perfect."

The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that

Sometimes it's cold when your lips touch the mirror

If I don't perfect Human Cloning...

...I won't be able to live with myself

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.

Leather armor is perfect for sneaking

Its literally made of hide.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won't be able to live with myself.

Why is nostalgia like grammar?

We find the present tense and the past perfect

A Woman goes to the Optician

for her annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.
"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"

"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"

PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

My girlfriend got covid

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man

That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

What's the perfect 'S' word?

Sword.

A dog walks into the unemployment office..

"I need a job." He said, in perfect English.

Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?"

"If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence with.

God answers of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue .

Adam is excited and asks that sounds perfect, what will it cost me

An arm and a leg

….what can I get for a rib?

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,

"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"

The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."

The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.



Ten years later the tourist finds himself in the Chief's neck of the woods and decides to pay him a visit.

He enters the Chief's home and respectfully greets him, saying "Hau, Chief."

The Chief promptly replies, "Scrambled."

My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled

Hands down the best girl I have known.

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

I have to say that my girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She's a perfect ten but sadly, she's imaginary.

I had a date last night.

It was perfect.

Tomorrow I'll try a grape.

I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.

Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?

"No officer.

Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.

Thanks very much, officer!" I said. "Do you reckon it's worth me getting a license then?"

What do you call the perfect verb?

Definitive

Questions

At the skydiving training course, the instructor would take time to answer some of the First Timer Questions.One guy asked: If our chute doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have till we hit the ground? The instructor looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: The rest of your life.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100...

She's a perfect 10, but also imaginary.
Our relationship is... complex.

Three men are discussing Adam and Eve

The Frenchman says "Adam and Eve must be French. They are beautiful, and naked, and have all the world's beauty before them."

The Englishman says "Not at all. They are residing in the most beautiful, perfect Garden. They must be English."

The Russian says "They are without clothes, they are forbidden from eating, they are talked to by snakes, and they are being told it's Heaven. They are Russian."

Why isn't Earth a perfect circle?

You try keeping your figure after 4.543 billion years.

God came to Adam and said I'm going to give you something wonderful, something perfect, something that will make you happy. What's it going to cost me Adam asked?

God said It will cost you your right arm. What can I get for a rib? Adam asked.

Three witches are standing around a bubbling caldron.

The first witch tastes the brew. "It needs an eye of newt," she says.

"Agreed" says the second.

"Aye," says the newt.

"Perfect," says the third.

My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.

On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.

Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the perfect perfect husband puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working perfect dude perfect piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes