Perfect Jokes

Two Snowmen are in a field...

...and one turns to the other and says "Yeah, you're right, it DOES smell like carrots."
My favorite joke - short, hysterical, and perfect for any occasion.

THE 5 Secrets to a perfect marriage

1. Have a wife who is a great Cook
2. Have a wife who is great at cleaning
3. Have a wife who is a monster in bed
4. Have a wife who is great with your kids.
5. Make sure those 4 women NEVER MEET.

Five secrets of a perfect Relationship

1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

The only problem with kissing a perfect 10...

knowing that she has 8 more years until you can tell anyone about it.

What's the perfect line of work for a lizard?

Re-tail.

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

Mayweather still has a perfect record

At least until he's convicted

Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?

The answer should be apparent.

My therapist says I'm narcissistic.

How can someone who's perfect be narcissistic?

God put a perfect woman in every corner of the world.

Then he made the earth round.

What do you call it when somebody kills a perfect circle of religious leaders?

A 360 No-Pope

What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was?

George Lucas.

My professor asked me to define narcissism

I said "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."

If you factor in Trumps ancestry, his policies make perfect sense.

The German side says "Build a wall!"
The Scottish side says "Well im not paying for it!"

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect.

You have to recall everything.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent:

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Election Day was the perfect day to go see Doctor Strange...

I got to experience a scary bizarro world were sanity was cast aside and the laws of nature were twisted to the breaking point, and I also went to a movie.

The perfect response to "there's a party in my pants and everyone's coming"

"Is it a search party?" Ba-dum-tiss..

A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery

The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"

Planes have an absolutely perfect record.

We've never left one up there.

The perfect shot.

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem
"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"
"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"
"Ah, bummer mate"
"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"

I bought a Jell-O mold in the shape of a handgun

The first time I used it the Jell-O came out and it looked perfect. Immediately the cops busted down my door and arrested me. I was charged with possession of a congealed weapon.

Fullmetal Alchemist is so unrealistic

I mean how can they draw such perfect circles?

[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.
Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?
Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said It's crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that's just going to die.

I said I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won't be able to live with myself.

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"
(Cr

A Woman goes to the Optician

for her annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.
"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"
"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"

A dog walks into the unemployment office..

"I need a job." He said, in perfect English.
Surprised, the clerk says "I'm sure the circus would be very interested in you. Shall I contact them?"
"If you like." Replied the dog. "But why would the circus need an architect?"

Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage.

She didn't have to hear about his mom's cookin' and he didn't have to hear about all the other men she could have married.

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'
He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.
His name was Popsicles.

Police Officer (Outside the house): Knocks on a mans door

Man (From inside the house): "Who are you?
Police Officer: "We are the police. You are requested to open the door."
Man: "Why? What do you want?"
Police Officer: "We just want to talk"
Man: "How many of you are there?
Police Officer: "There's two of us"
Man: "Perfect talk to each other"

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

After some pressure from his family a man who is hard of hearing visits his doctor.

After a lengthy examination, the doctor identifies the problem and prescribes the solution. He takes it and the doctor tells him to come back in a week to check that everything is A-OK.
A week later he revisits. The doc announces, "You're hearing is perfect. Your family must be delighted."
He replies. "Oh, I haven't told them yet, I just sit around the house listening to them. So far I've changed my will three times."

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,
"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"
The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."
The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.
​
Ten years later the tourist finds himself in the Chief's neck of the woods and decides to pay him a visit.
He enters the Chief's home and respectfully greets him, saying "Hau, Chief."
The Chief promptly replies, "Scrambled."

My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled

Hands down the best girl I have known.

A perfectionist walks into a bar

Immediately they claim the bar isn't set high enough.

I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.

Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?
"No officer.
Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.
Thanks very much, officer!" I said. "Do you reckon it's worth me getting a license then?"

Why isn't Earth a perfect circle?

You try keeping your figure after 4.543 billion years.

My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.

On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.
Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.