People Jokes

Following is our collection of janitors puns and flinstones one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including People jokes for adults, dirty individuals jokes and clean making people happy dad gags for kids.

The Best People Puns

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don't have 2020 vision

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He's explaining Facebook to old people.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one


Vegans think butchers are gross

But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


**

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.


People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?


A: 1 GB



An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.


White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

I'm done being a people pleaser

If everyone's ok with that

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...


I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?

Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?

Suspect : Well that asshole ran towards the other 10.

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

I don't like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, This one can seat three people without any problems.

I said, Where the hell am I going to find three people without any problems?

I don't understand why white people can't say the N word

We invented it after all

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

Having sex with four people is called a foursome, having sex with three people is called a threesome

Now I know why people call me handsome

Who won the presidential debate last night?

People who didn't watch

What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people looking both ways before they start

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

$0, it's on the house.

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."

The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.

I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.

He didn't laugh.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don't. And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can't be buried here. I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.

I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won't shut tf up about it. He's always been like this, even when we were in college together.

What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

People in Dubai don't like "The Flintstones"

But people in Abu Dhabi Do

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

I hate people who take drugs

For example, border security.

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

I can't believe that there is a sex offender registry.

Who would buy gifts for these people?

I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.

I never get a straight answer.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

There is an abundance of happy people jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 81 funniest jokes and people puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any two deaf people witze you can hear about people.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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