Unearthly Funniest People Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.
He's explaining Facebook to old people.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
**
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.
Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!
I mean, you've got to give them credit.
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Dude 1: Hey, bro?
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A: 1 GB
People say smoking will give you diseases.
What they don't know is that it cures salmon.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...
maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?
How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?
They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
I don't like people who take drugs...
For example: airport security.
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
I thought of having a t**...
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
I'm not passive aggressive.
Unlike *some* people.
Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.
Kinda like yo momma.
After s**... with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.
I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Vegans think butchers are g**...
But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
How much does Santa's sleigh cost?
$0, it's on the house.
Having s**... with four people is called a f**..., having s**... with three people is called a t**...
Now I know why people call me handsome
The 13th Amendment makes it i**... to buy people.
Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.
A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are g**...!"
I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
Please becareful on the roads
Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive
I don't understand why white people can't say the N word
We invented it after all
In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.
In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.
I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years
I don't have 2020 vision
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?
White people looking both ways before they start
I've realized that s**... would solve all my problems....
...if I could just get the right people to try it.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.
He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."
Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."
The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."
The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their s**.... I think they are completely crazy.
4G must've fried their brains.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don't. And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can't be buried here. I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
I angered two people by calling them hipsters...
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.
The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.
I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.
He didn't laugh.
I'm done being a people pleaser
If everyone's ok with that
All those people claiming Donald Trump is like h**... need a reality check.
After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, This one can seat three people without any problems.
I said, Where the h**... am I going to find three people without any problems?
Who won the presidential debate last night?
People who didn't watch
A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".
The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.
People who don't understand the difference between...
People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.
Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the h**... was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.
Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.
Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn't valid anymore.
There's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?
It's so that they'll end up in a cast.
What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?
You get a LGBTQ.
Why don't blind people go skydiving?
It scares the s**... out of their dogs.
"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...
And therefore my client is an innocent man!"
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him
To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him
I just don't get how the german people could fall for h**... and the n**...
There were an awful lot of red flags.
I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...
Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.
Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...
Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."
Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."
I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.
You won't catch me doing that today.
My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads f**... he told me:
Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his f**... to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?
Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.
People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked o**..., who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."
What does idk stand for?
I've asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.
I can't stand homeless people
Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT
I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.
He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.
A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book
An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to h**..., Ronald Reagan!"
What do fetuses, servicemen and gay people have in common in the US?
The government stops caring about them once they're out.
Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.
Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.
Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"
Man respond, "I check obituary"
"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"
"Putin obituary be on front page"
Plastic Surgeon Dad, Operates On His Own Daughter....
There was a plastic/cosmetic surgeon,
who did some procedures on his own daughter,
He did her Nose, b**..., and a few other things....
When people said she was pretty,
He then would jokingly say to them:
"she got her good looks from me!"
The older I get, the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years.
Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
I've been telling people about the advantages of eating dry grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
I hate it when people use metaphors that are physically impossible.
It makes my blood boil.
As a general rule, I never make fun of short people.
They have it hard enough putting food on the table.
There are 3 types of people in the world; those who are good at math...
And those who aren't.
It's really hard for me to tell people what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Why were people flocking to the gender neutral mine?
Because there's gold in them/their hills
