people Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious people puns

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don't have 2020 vision

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

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This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He's explaining Facebook to old people.

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My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

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Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

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Vegans think butchers are gross

But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".



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Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"

Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the most hated of all?"

The group agreed and Hitler left to go make the vote. After counting the ballots, Hitler returns and asks:

"Who the fuck is Ajit Pai!?"

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*


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Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

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How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

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Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

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Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?

Or just mine ?

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Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

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A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

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Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies I just did some homework. The robot slaps the son. The son then says Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.

Dad asks What movie were you watching? The son replies Finding Nemo . The robot slaps the son. He then says Okay, okay. We were watching porn.

Dad said What?! At your age I didn't know what porn was. The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says Wow. He certainly is your son.

The robot slaps the mother.



^

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Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?


A: 1 GB



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People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

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Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

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My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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I'm planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can't come, let me know

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...


I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

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How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen









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Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

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A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

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Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

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Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.

The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

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My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.


He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

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I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

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Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

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A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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I don't like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

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Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

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I have so many jokes about unemployed people...

...but none of them work

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When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

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Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

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An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

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How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

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I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

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I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

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With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

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I don't understand why white people can't say the N word

We invented it after all

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I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

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Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

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In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

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If the bigger your feet, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick,

it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns.

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A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy".

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Having sex with four people is called a foursome, having sex with three people is called a threesome

Now I know why people call me handsome

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A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

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If sex with four people is called a foursome, and sex with three people is called a threesome...

Now I know why people call me handsome.

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What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people looking both ways before they start

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Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

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I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

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I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

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How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

$0, it's on the house.




**people keep saying dad joke, funny thing is my mom actually told me this πŸ˜‚**

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Every yo mama joke has been done thousands of times by thousands of people...

.... Just like yo mama.

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Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

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What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

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I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

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People in Dubai don't like "The Flintstones"

But people in Abu Dhabi Do

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I hate people who take drugs

For example, border security.

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All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

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I can't believe that there is a sex offender registry.

Who would buy gifts for these people?

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I once dated a girl with a twin.

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock.

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I once dated a girl with a twin

People ask me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and bob had a cock

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Racist jokes are like white people.

They are the best.

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My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

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People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Looking at it now, i see why.

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I wanna name my puppy 'insane'...

...so when people ask 'are you fucking insane?' I can say 'no I'm fucking my sister'

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My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

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I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

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Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

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I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.

Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.

The governor: Fine people...I don't know.

Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?

Farmer: I'm a farmer.

Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?

Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced.

Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?
Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course.

Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government.

Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask.

Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?

Farmer: I actually have two cows.

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People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches

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I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on Stage 4

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An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

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I'm sick of people comparing Trump to Hitler.

Hitler wrote his own book.

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I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

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Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

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People who are afraid of pedophiles

need to grow up

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If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

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I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

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People treat me like a god

They ignore my existence unless they need something

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People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

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A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting."

I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."

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Bartender: We don't serve time travellers in here...

Cannibal: Damn it! Just regular people then.

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People always say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better...

But to me it just ruins the pineapple juice.

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So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.

The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

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Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!

I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

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Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash

I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.

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Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

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What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

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Someone told me I'm condescending

That means I talk down to people.

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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The white man replies, "Look in the black mans back pocket....."

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I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.

I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.

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I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

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Stop bullying fat people, it isn't funny

They have enough on their plate anyway.

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An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?

The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."

"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."

The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock.

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Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

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Difference between twins

I've fucked a set of twins.
People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits,
And frank had a cock.

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Don't make fun of fat people with lisps...

They're thick and tired of it

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There are 2 people on a boat…

There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*

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An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

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The king of france...[NSFW]

...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge.
They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.

The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viva la france!!"

The king of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la espaΓ±a!!"

The king of England drops his, a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!"

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Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?

Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves

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I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

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I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

^([I stole this from imgur comments, but I am posting it here so that you can use it today and tomorrow on people you dislike. Merry Christmas.])

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As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

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What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!

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Is it all black people that have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine ?

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Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

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If 4 people have sex is called a four-some

3 people have sex is a three-some
and 2 people have sex is a two-some

Now you know why they call me handsome

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They say that every 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile

Not me, I live next to 2 smoking hot 10 year olds

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I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name

He was like, "No way!"

I was like, "Yahweh"

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There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

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Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world

Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

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I'm not passive aggressive,

Unlike *some* people.

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What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

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Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

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9/10 people.

Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

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I hate people who take drugs...

specifically the DEA and US Customs.

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I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."

The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."

The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"

The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"

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If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right

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Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts.

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8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them

But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people

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I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Let me know if you can come or not

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What are the best People puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about People? Well, here are the best jokes about People to have fun with.

Joko Jokes