People Jokes

What are some People jokes?

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don't have 2020 vision

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He's explaining Facebook to old people.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

Vegans think butchers are gross

But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


**

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?


A: 1 GB



People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...


I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

I don't like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

I don't understand why white people can't say the N word

We invented it after all

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

Having sex with four people is called a foursome, having sex with three people is called a threesome

Now I know why people call me handsome

What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people looking both ways before they start

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

I thought of having a threesome

But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

$0, it's on the house.




**people keep saying dad joke, funny thing is my mom actually told me this πŸ˜‚**

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside."
The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence."

The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives.
The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.

Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

People in Dubai don't like "The Flintstones"

But people in Abu Dhabi Do

I hate people who take drugs

For example, border security.

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

I can't believe that there is a sex offender registry.

Who would buy gifts for these people?

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches

I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on Stage 4

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

People who are afraid of pedophiles

need to grow up

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."

Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."

The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.

The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

People treat me like a god

They ignore my existence unless they need something

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

So I was at my bank today.

There was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yuan for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hundred dollar for yuan. Today I only get hundred eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.

The Asian lady says, "Fluck you white people too!"

Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash

I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

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