people Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious people puns

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don't have 2020 vision

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

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This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He's explaining Facebook to old people.

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My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

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Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

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Vegans think butchers are gross

But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".



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Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

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How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


**

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

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Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

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Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?

Or just mine ?

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Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

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A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

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Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

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Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?


A: 1 GB



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People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

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Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

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My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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I'm planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can't come, let me know

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...


I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

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How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

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A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

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Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

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I wrote the names of everyone I've unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

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Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

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A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

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I don't like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

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What are the most funny People jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about People? Well, here are the best People dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and People pick up lines to share with friends.

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