Penny Jokes
118 penny jokes and hilarious penny puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about penny that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Brighten up the day with some funny penny jokes! From a lucky penny, to the dreaded bad penny, from a short penny to trillions of pence, there's something for everyone. Share these lighthearted jokes with your friends and family and get ready to laugh out loud!
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Funniest Penny Short Jokes
Short penny jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The penny humour may include short nickel jokes also.
- If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD... I'd have 1,526 pennies.
- If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist... I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
- If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny I get sad every time I look in a mirror
- If I had a penny everytime I did not understand what was going on, I would not understand why I got so much pennies
- I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny. It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.
- Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies. I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.
- Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish. That the police would never find Penny's body.
- If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out.. I'd have 5 cents.
She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops. - Why are 1980 pennies worth more than 1979 pennies? (Dads joke) The same reason 10 pennies is worth more than 9.
- Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil It only cost him a Penny
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Penny One Liners
Which penny one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with penny? I can suggest the ones about penguin and jenny.
- I tried looking at a penny under a microscope. *...magnificent.*
- The U.S mint stopped making pennies. I don't know why, it doesn't make any cents.
- Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny Judge: What?
Attorney: He's in a cent. - What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters? A Nickle-less Cage
- If i had a penny for every Donald Trump joke made right now I would have a pence
- How did copper wire get invented 2 Jews fighting over a penny
- My brother used to throw pennies at me all the time And that's why I'm afraid of change
- Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. My coworker makes pennies.
We work at a mint. - If banks have a penny for every time they robbed someone ... Oh wait, they do.
- I would never expect to get a penny from a dollar machine. It just doesn't make cents.
- I've decided to open the world's cheapest brothel. Penny for your thots?
- Do you know how copper wire was invented? Two Scots fought over the same penny.
- A scientist puts a penny under a microscope. "Truly magnificent!", he says.
- Why did Al Capone refuse to carry pennies? Because he hates coppers, see?
- What do you call a person that has a penny, a dime, and a quarter? Nickel-less
Copper Penny Jokes
Here is a list of funny copper penny jokes and even better copper penny puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the woman who tried to bribe the police with pennies? She was taken in by the coppers.
- Why do Dutch people have big noses? Because air is free.
### Bonus joke:
* How was copper wire invented?
Two Dutchmen found a penny at the same time. - I think pennies are made of copper and zinc But that's just my two cents
- How was the first copper wire made? Someone threw a penny inbetween two Jew's
- How do you make copper wire? You throw a penny between two Scots
Gimme that
Nae, it's mine - Why won't a criminal accept a penny? They can't trust a copper
- How was copper wire invented? Two Armenians were fighting over a Penny.
- How was the first copper wire made? Two jews were pulling on a penny.
Bad Penny Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad penny jokes and even better bad penny puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I donated $100 to a blind children's charity... Too bad they won't ever see a penny of it.
- I GOT A FREE FOUNTAIN DRINK AT THE MALL TODAY!! But all the pennies in the water gave it a bad taste.
- Don't blame a penny if it smells bad! That's just it's natural cent
Cheeky Penny Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about penny you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pocket money jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make penny pranks.
What did one penny say to the other penny?
You and I together just make cents.
In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...
...the store put cameras today.
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
The secret to wealth
A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."
If I had a penny every time someone said I had OCD...
I'd have 3791 pennies.
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
So a man dies and goes to Heaven...
In Heaven, he asks God what the coolest things about Heaven are.
God says, "Well, here in Heaven, a minute lasts a million years, and a penny is worth a million dollars."
The man replies, "Oh, cool! Can I have a penny?"
To which God tells him, "In a minute."
My fifth grade teacher told me this joke when I was in, well, fifth grade.
What do you call a penny with Jesus on it?
J.C. Penny
Wishing Well
English is second language.... excuse grammar
My penny went whoosh whoosh down the wishing well
I was happy. Everyone around screaming. I threw quarter down, made wish, and now everyone mad about my wife penny
Have you ever seen those "Give a penny, take a penny" things at convenience stores???
that makes no cents
A class is learning about probability..
Teacher: If I toss a penny, what are the chances that I get a head?
Girl: For a penny? Not very bright.
Limericks by Jenny
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
When Canada abolished the penny there was no public protest at all...
...I guess Canada fears change
My dad called me a fool for taking a job at the penny factory.
But the truth is it makes a lot of cents.
A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.
To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."
Poor Grandma
I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water.
I shouted, "Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"
She replied, "I still have some cold medicine from last winter that will expire if I don't use it up!'
TIL it costs more money to make a penny than how much it's worth
That makes very little cents
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pennywise the clown to Ronald
"you disgust me Ronald, you're not even scary."
Ronald McDonald: "I've killed more people than you."
Did you hear about the penny and magnifying glass who got married?
Their wedding was magnifycent.
Why do gas prices end with 9/10 of a penny?
It just makes cents.
The penny making machine at the US mint stopped working the other day....
The director of the mint himself came to the machines engineer to ask him what the problem was.
"I can't figure it out!" exclaimed the puzzled engineer. "It doesn't make cents!!"
(Best told in person)
A guy says to God: "God...
... to you a minute is like a million years and a penny is like a million dollars. So, could you give me a penny?" God replies "Sure, in a minute"
A bought a farewell card for only a penny...
It was a good buy.
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny
Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent
Judge: You're going to jail with him
^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean
If I got a penny everytime . . .
If I got a penny everytime I got a penny, I'd be infinitely rich.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a penny for every time I said something s**...
I could get an education
If I had a penny for every time I said "diet starts tomorrow"
I could afford liposuction.
People hate change.
That's why they both want to abolish or keep the penny.
Why does Pennywise hate playing tag?
Because he's always IT.
If you have 12 chocolates and you give
Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give
5 to Priya,
3 to Sonia and
2 to Penny then what will you get?"
"3 new Girlfriends!"
TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency
Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me
If I had a penny for every crashing crypto,
I would have a bitcoin.
If I had a penny for every time someone called me frugal...
I'd be able to save even more
If I had a penny for every time I heard "I love you" today...
It might make me reconsider taking my wife out for dinner.
I always leave a penny on the toilet lid after I take a dump
Just so that a cent is covering the odor
Why is Pennywise good with computers?
Because he works in the IT department.
Three women were at a shrink's office with their kids
The shrink told the first woman, You love food so you named your child Candy. He told the second, You love money so you named your child Penny. The third woman told her son, This is ridiculous. Let's get out of here, Peter.
If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money
She'd spend it on a handbag
Your Honor... this is why the child should be mine...
Husband: Your honor, when you put a penny in a gumball machine, who gets the gumball?
I was told I'd come into big money one day...
My obese wife is called penny.
Three men go to heaven
St. Peter looks in the book and says to the first man, You spent your whole life trying to get drunk. You even married a woman named Ginny, and he points him to the down escalator.
To the next man he says, You spent your whole life trying to get rich. You even married a woman named Penny, and he points him to the down escalator.
The third guy turns and heads for the down escalator. St. Peter says, Where are you going? The man says, My wife's name is Fannie.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
5 penny joke
Place the first penny on the table..."Can you smell that....that's a scent."
Place the second penny...."Can you see any fruit....that's a pair"
Place the third penny...."Can you see any cars? Three Lincolns."
Place the fourth down..."Can you see any snakes? Four copperheads.
Place the fifth down..."Can you see any p**...?"
Scoop them all up..."Not for five cents you can't."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man went up to a rather contemplative looking p**......
... and asked "A penny for your thots?"
I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards,
Because change should come from within.
Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?
The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.
If I got a penny every time a woman said I wasn't her ideal man,
I'd be her ideal man.
An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.
The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!
The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...
The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...
The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.
in for a penny, in for a pound
A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, Wait, why'd you throw in the $5 bill? He replied, Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!
A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"
God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."
"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, like a penny to you is a million dollars for us?"
"Um, yeah, kinda. Something like that...." God says
"Well, in that case, can I just have a penny, God?" The man shoots his shot
"Sure" God agrees, much to the surprise of the man. "Just gimme a second to find it...."
An ugly son asks his Dad Why is my sister named Rose?
Dad: Because when she was coming out of the hospital, a rose fell from the sky and landed on her forehead.
US: Same for Penny?
Dad: Yup. A penny just fell onto her little head.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem, Brick.
Sheldon, Howard and Raj saved up 1 million dollars each
Leonard only had a penny
How do you turn a penny into a dollar?
Cut it into four quarters.
I haven't seen this one before and i just thought of it on my own but if it's already been done I'm sorry
It's high time the U.S. government abandoned the penny...
It just doesn't make cents, for it's obsolescent.
Did you hear the one about the man who was unjustly trapped inside of a penny?
He yelled, "Let me outta here. I'm in a cent!"
I'm new to the stock market and I've been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I'll explain.
That's when I tend to buy them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your momma is so poor
She could f**... on a penny and she still wouldn't have gas money
I have a list of friends who love palindromes!
Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny."
*Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*
"I came straight home, of course!"
*That's my good boy.*
"Mom?"
*Yes, my son?*
"May I please have a penny?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A philosopher saw a p**... having a sale on some of his h**...
The philosopher said: a penny for your thots.
My friend dropped a penny down their garbage disposal, now it no longer works...
...I suggested she drop another one down there to see if it would dislodge the first. I was just giving her my two-cents.
How poor are you?
I'm so poor, I have to refinance before I can spare a penny for your thoughts.
An old one
A little girl walks up to her dad and says dad, are our neighbours poor?
Dad : I don't know little one, but you should not judge some one on their looks. But why do you ask?
Girl: they are all crying as their baby swallowed a single penny!!
The Florists wife was Rose
The weatherman's wife was May
The bankers wife was Penny
And the senators wife was Peggy.
