I'd have 1,526 pennies.
I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
I get sad every time I look in a mirror
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
I would not understand why I got so much pennies
A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."
It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.
Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?
God: Why, yes it's absolutely true!
Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?
God: You're absolutely right!
Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?
God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.
That the police would never find Penny's body.
I'd have 5 cents.
She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.
He says, "Lord? May I ask you a question?"
"Sure thing!", God replies.
"Well," the man begins, "Is it true that a million years is just a second to you?"
God replies, "Yes, that is true."
The man then asks, "And is it true that a million dollars is only a penny to you?"
"Yes."
"In that case, can I have a penny?"
"Sure," God answers, "Just give me a second."
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
It only cost him a Penny
God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me, it's about a penny."
Man: "God, if that's the case, may I have a penny?"
God: "Sure. Just wait a minute."
While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."
Man: "Hey God, isn't 1 million years like a second to you?"
God: "Hm, that's pretty accurate. 1 million years is like a second to me"
Man: "Then 1 million dollars would be like... a penny to you, wouldn't it?"
God: "Yes, a million dollars would be like a penny to me."
Man: "Then, can I have 1 million dollars?"
God: "Sure. Just a sec."
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
Teacher: If I toss a penny, what are the chances that I get a head?
Girl: For a penny? Not very bright.
To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."
Judge: What?
Attorney: He's in a cent.
A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."
Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Man: "God... How long is a millenium to you?"
God: " 1 second "
Man: "God.... How much is a billion dollars to you?"
God: " A penny "
The man started stroking his chin and got an idea.
Man: "God.... Can you lend me a penny?"
God: " Sure.... Just give me a second "
So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"
God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."
Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"
One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."
So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"
And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."
*This is my all time favorite joke, friend told it to me awhile ago, so yeah.*
In Heaven, he asks God what the coolest things about Heaven are.
God says, "Well, here in Heaven, a minute lasts a million years, and a penny is worth a million dollars."
The man replies, "Oh, cool! Can I have a penny?"
To which God tells him, "In a minute."
My fifth grade teacher told me this joke when I was in, well, fifth grade.
Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent
Judge: You're going to jail with him
^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean
English is second language.... excuse grammar
My penny went whoosh whoosh down the wishing well
I was happy. Everyone around screaming. I threw quarter down, made wish, and now everyone mad about my wife penny
She'd spend it on a handbag
Just so that a cent is covering the odor
I would have a pence
Children give usual answers: Bill wants to be a pilot, Sue wants to be an actress. But when it comes to little Dave, his answer is a shock to everyone. Dave wants to be a homeless alcoholic with no penny in his pocket.
20 years go by and Dave is now rich, Really Rich.
He stands in his appartament on the top floor of the highest building on the continent, looking at the town of which he owns 3/4, with a glass of most exensive single malt in his hand, and he asks himself a question...
When did this all go wrong?
2 Jews fighting over a penny
are walking down a city street and come across a building reading "Only 98 cents to change your skin color," the men paused and looked at eachother. One Black man says "Wow, that would make life so much easier for us! I got 99 cents in my pocket." The other replies "Yes it would but I only got 97 cents. If you go in, try it out and it goes well can I borrow that leftover penny?"
"Of course, well here I go," the man walks into the building and minutes later comes out a brand new white man.
"Wow this is amazing, I don't believe what i'm seeing right now!" the black man continues "This worked out so well, can i borrow that penny from you?"
The new white man tells him, "Get a job, nig nog."
God replied, A minute
So the man asked, God, what is a billion dollars to you?
God replied, A penny
The man said, God may I please have 1 penny?
God said, Certainly, just give me a minute
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Man: How much is a minute to you?
God: A thousand years
Man: Wow really? Ok then how much is 10 million dollars to you?
God: A penny
Man: Wow that's amazing, is it ok if I can have one of your pennies?
God: Sure thing, just give me a minute
* Q. What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
* A. A canoe will eventually tip
* Q. What does a Jewish pedophile say?
* A. Hey kid want to buy some candy?
* Q. A Jew with an erection walks into a wall, what happens?
* A. Breaks his nose
* Q. How was copper wire invented?
* A. Two Jews fighting over a penny
That makes very little cents
Man: God, how much is a million years for you?
God: For me, it's just one minute.
Man: God, how much is a million dollars for you?
God: For me, it's just one penny.
Man: God, can I have a penny?
God: Wait a minute.
that makes no cents
Because he's always IT.
He looks up to heaven and says "God, could you answer a question for me?"
"Of course, my son," says God, "what would you like to know?"
"God, what is a million years to you?"
"Well," says God, "a million years to me is as a second."
"Hmm," says the man. "I guess I understand. So what is a million dollars to you then?"
"My son," God says, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
"Hmm," says the man. He goes back to praying, but after a little while he looks up again.
"God," he asks, "can I have a penny?"
"Sure," God says. "Just a second."
Because change should come from within.
It just doesn't make cents.
Three men jumped out of an airplane. The first one jumped and dropped a penny. When he landed, he found a boy crying, and asked him why he was crying. He of course said, a penny fell on his head.
A second man jumped and dropped an apple. He found another kid crying, and he asked why. The boy said an apple hit him in the head.
The third man jumped and dropped a grenade. He found a boy laughing his eyes out when he landed. He asked the boy what was so funny and he said, "When I farted, my house blew up."
Third grade forever
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.
He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"
Two Jews found the same penny.
Two Scots fought over the same penny.
"Truly magnificent!", he says.
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny
Judge: What Do You Mean?
Lawyer: He's In A Cent.
Three elderly women were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping for groceries in the old days, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper, too, and she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
They've brought their kids with them. The psychologist says, "It looks like you all have obsessions, and you've named your children after them."
He says to the first mother, "You have an obsession with cars, which is why you named your daughter Mercedes"
He moves onto the second mom, "Your obsession is money. Your child's name is Penny, which reflects that."
Finally he turns to the third mother. "At first I was puzzled by your choice, but I realized it was so simple. Because another name for..."
She then stands up, bolts out of the room as fast as she could, "LET'S GO RICHARD WE'RE LEAVING!"
Let's get together and make some cents.
...I guess Canada fears change
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
A man was praying to God.
He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God. Can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."
The man says "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" God replies "1 penny." The man asks "how much is a million years to you?" God replies "1 second." The man asks "can I have a penny?" God replies "sure, give me a second."
... to you a minute is like a million years and a penny is like a million dollars. So, could you give me a penny?" God replies "Sure, in a minute"
Place the first penny on the table..."Can you smell that....that's a scent."
Place the second penny...."Can you see any fruit....that's a pair"
Place the third penny...."Can you see any cars? Three Lincolns."
Place the fourth down..."Can you see any snakes? Four copperheads.
Place the fifth down..."Can you see any pussy?"
Scoop them all up..."Not for five cents you can't."
My obese wife is called penny.
A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call. Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity, the director began. Wouldn't you like to help the community?
The banker replied, Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?
Um, no, mumbled the director.
Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister's husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?
I … I … I had no idea.
So, said the banker, if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?
But it only cost him a Penny
It was a good buy.
The director of the mint himself came to the machines engineer to ask him what the problem was.
"I can't figure it out!" exclaimed the puzzled engineer. "It doesn't make cents!!"
(Best told in person)
Their wedding was magnifycent.
But the truth is it makes a lot of cents.
A man finds himself talking to God, so he asks Him a few questions.
Man: "God, what are a million years like to you?"
God: "Son, to me, a million years are like a second."
Man: "God, what are a million dollars like to you?"
God: "Son, to me, a million dollars are like a single penny."
Man: "God, can I have a million dollars?"
God: "Sure - just a sec..."
You and I together just make cents.
Husband: Your honor, when you put a penny in a gumball machine, who gets the gumball?
... and asked "A penny for your thots?"
The shrink told the first woman, You love food so you named your child Candy. He told the second, You love money so you named your child Penny. The third woman told her son, This is ridiculous. Let's get out of here, Peter.
J.C. Penny
I could afford liposuction.
I'd be able to save even more
St. Peter looks in the book and says to the first man, You spent your whole life trying to get drunk. You even married a woman named Ginny, and he points him to the down escalator.
To the next man he says, You spent your whole life trying to get rich. You even married a woman named Penny, and he points him to the down escalator.
The third guy turns and heads for the down escalator. St. Peter says, Where are you going? The man says, My wife's name is Fannie.
I would have a bitcoin.
It might make me reconsider taking my wife out for dinner.
Someone threw a penny between two jews
Because he works in the IT department.
...the store put cameras today.
"Why are you running?" asked the boy.
"I just got this really nice shirt," the man answered.
"Where from?" asked the boy.
"JC Penny," the man answered before resuming his run.
Shortly after, another man came running from the same direction as the first holding a nice pair of khakis, to which the same exchange occurred. This happened two more times, one holding a pair of socks and another a pair of shoes, until a man wearing just underwear ran by.
"Where are you going like that?" the boy asked incredibly.
"To get my clothes back. I'm JC Penny."
I could get an education
If I got a penny everytime I got a penny, I'd be infinitely rich.
That's why they both want to abolish or keep the penny.
I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water.
I shouted, "Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"
She replied, "I still have some cold medicine from last winter that will expire if I don't use it up!'
We have collected gags and puns about Penny to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Penny? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Penny pick up lines to share with friends.