The Best 88 Penny Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Penny jokes. There are some penny nickel jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these penny fiddy puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Penny Jokes and Puns
What did one penny say to the other penny?
You and I together just make cents.
A scientist puts a penny under a microscope.
"Truly magnificent!", he says.
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.
While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."
A man goes to God and asks him a question...
The man says "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" God replies "1 penny." The man asks "how much is a million years to you?" God replies "1 second." The man asks "can I have a penny?" God replies "sure, give me a second."
My favorite "clean" Jewish jokes
* Q. What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
* A. A canoe will eventually tip
* Q. What does a Jewish pedophile say?
* A. Hey kid want to buy some candy?
* Q. A Jew with an erection walks into a wall, what happens?
* A. Breaks his nose
* Q. How was copper wire invented?
* A. Two Jews fighting over a penny
A man is praying to God...
He says, "Lord? May I ask you a question?"
"Sure thing!", God replies.
"Well," the man begins, "Is it true that a million years is just a second to you?"
God replies, "Yes, that is true."
The man then asks, "And is it true that a million dollars is only a penny to you?"
"Yes."
"In that case, can I have a penny?"
"Sure," God answers, "Just give me a second."
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
One day God is walking on Earth and a man approaches him.
Man: "Hey God, isn't 1 million years like a second to you?"
God: "Hm, that's pretty accurate. 1 million years is like a second to me"
Man: "Then 1 million dollars would be like... a penny to you, wouldn't it?"
God: "Yes, a million dollars would be like a penny to me."
Man: "Then, can I have 1 million dollars?"
God: "Sure. Just a sec."
The secret to wealth
A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
Little Johnny asked god a question.
Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?
God: Why, yes it's absolutely true!
Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?
God: You're absolutely right!
Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?
God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.
You can explore penny pence reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean penny gumball dad jokes. There are also penny puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
So a man dies and goes to Heaven...
In Heaven, he asks God what the coolest things about Heaven are.
God says, "Well, here in Heaven, a minute lasts a million years, and a penny is worth a million dollars."
The man replies, "Oh, cool! Can I have a penny?"
To which God tells him, "In a minute."
My fifth grade teacher told me this joke when I was in, well, fifth grade.
What do you call a penny with Jesus on it?
J.C. Penny
A conversation with God
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
Wishing Well
English is second language.... excuse grammar
My penny went whoosh whoosh down the wishing well
I was happy. Everyone around screaming. I threw quarter down, made wish, and now everyone mad about my wife penny
Have you ever seen those "Give a penny, take a penny" things at convenience stores???
that makes no cents
Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil
It only cost him a Penny
How was copper wire invented?
Someone threw a penny between two jews
One Second
So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"
God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."
Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"
One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."
So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"
And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."
*This is my all time favorite joke, friend told it to me awhile ago, so yeah.*
A class is learning about probability..
Teacher: If I toss a penny, what are the chances that I get a head?
Girl: For a penny? Not very bright.
Limericks by Jenny
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
When Canada abolished the penny there was no public protest at all...
...I guess Canada fears change
I would never expect to get a penny from a dollar machine.
It just doesn't make cents.
My dad called me a fool for taking a job at the penny factory.
But the truth is it makes a lot of cents.
A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.
To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."
If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny
I get sad every time I look in a mirror
A man has a conversation with God
Man: How much is a minute to you?
God: A thousand years
Man: Wow really? Ok then how much is 10 million dollars to you?
God: A penny
Man: Wow that's amazing, is it ok if I can have one of your pennies?
God: Sure thing, just give me a minute
TIL it costs more money to make a penny than how much it's worth
That makes very little cents
Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.
That the police would never find Penny's body.
Did you hear about the penny and magnifying glass who got married?
Their wedding was magnifycent.
A thousand years is a minute to God
A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."
The penny making machine at the US mint stopped working the other day....
The director of the mint himself came to the machines engineer to ask him what the problem was.
"I can't figure it out!" exclaimed the puzzled engineer. "It doesn't make cents!!"
(Best told in person)
How was copper wire created?
Two Jews found the same penny.
A man finds God and asked
Man: "God... How long is a millenium to you?"
God: " 1 second "
Man: "God.... How much is a billion dollars to you?"
God: " A penny "
The man started stroking his chin and got an idea.
Man: "God.... Can you lend me a penny?"
God: " Sure.... Just give me a second "
A man finds himself talking to God...
A man finds himself talking to God, so he asks Him a few questions.
Man: "God, what are a million years like to you?"
God: "Son, to me, a million years are like a second."
Man: "God, what are a million dollars like to you?"
God: "Son, to me, a million dollars are like a single penny."
Man: "God, can I have a million dollars?"
God: "Sure - just a sec..."
A guy says to God: "God...
... to you a minute is like a million years and a penny is like a million dollars. So, could you give me a penny?" God replies "Sure, in a minute"
A bought a farewell card for only a penny...
It was a good buy.
How did copper wire get invented
2 Jews fighting over a penny
If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...
I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
Do you know how copper wire was invented?
Two Scots fought over the same penny.
I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.
It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny
Judge: What?
Lawyer: He's in a cent
Judge: You're going to jail with him
^^^^Totally ^^^^my ^^^^own ^^^^work ^^^^and ^^^^not ^^^^a ^^^^repost ^^^^by ^^^^any ^^^^mean
Dr Horrible got everything he wanted
But it only cost him a Penny
If I had a penny for every time I said "diet starts tomorrow"
I could afford liposuction.
Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny
Judge: What?
Attorney: He's in a cent.
Why does Pennywise hate playing tag?
Because he's always IT.
What did the stupid penny say to the other stupid penny?
Let's get together and make some cents.
TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency
Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me
A man was talking to God...
Man: God, how much is a million years for you?
God: For me, it's just one minute.
Man: God, how much is a million dollars for you?
God: For me, it's just one penny.
Man: God, can I have a penny?
God: Wait a minute.
If I had a penny for every crashing crypto,
I would have a bitcoin.
If I had a penny for every time someone called me frugal...
I'd be able to save even more
If I had a penny for every time I heard "I love you" today...
It might make me reconsider taking my wife out for dinner.
I always leave a penny on the toilet lid after I take a dump
Just so that a cent is covering the odor
If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out..
I'd have 5 cents.
She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.
If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD...
I'd have 1,526 pennies.
Three women were at a shrink's office with their kids
The shrink told the first woman, You love food so you named your child Candy. He told the second, You love money so you named your child Penny. The third woman told her son, This is ridiculous. Let's get out of here, Peter.
If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money
She'd spend it on a handbag
Your Honor... this is why the child should be mine...
Husband: Your honor, when you put a penny in a gumball machine, who gets the gumball?
I was told I'd come into big money one day...
My obese wife is called penny.
My Client Is Not Guilty.
Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny
Judge: What Do You Mean?
Lawyer: He's In A Cent.
A man asked God what he thought of a million years,
God replied, A minute
So the man asked, God, what is a billion dollars to you?
God replied, A penny
The man said, God may I please have 1 penny?
God said, Certainly, just give me a minute
If I had a penny everytime I did not understand what was going on,
I would not understand why I got so much pennies
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
Three men go to heaven
St. Peter looks in the book and says to the first man, You spent your whole life trying to get drunk. You even married a woman named Ginny, and he points him to the down escalator.
To the next man he says, You spent your whole life trying to get rich. You even married a woman named Penny, and he points him to the down escalator.
The third guy turns and heads for the down escalator. St. Peter says, Where are you going? The man says, My wife's name is Fannie.
5 penny joke
Place the first penny on the table..."Can you smell that....that's a scent."
Place the second penny...."Can you see any fruit....that's a pair"
Place the third penny...."Can you see any cars? Three Lincolns."
Place the fourth down..."Can you see any snakes? Four copperheads.
Place the fifth down..."Can you see any pussy?"
Scoop them all up..."Not for five cents you can't."
So a man went up to a rather contemplative looking pimp...
... and asked "A penny for your thots?"
I swallowed a penny, and then vomited it afterwards,
Because change should come from within.
A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"
God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me, it's about a penny."
Man: "God, if that's the case, may I have a penny?"
God: "Sure. Just wait a minute."
If i had a penny for every Donald Trump joke made right now
I would have a pence
Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?
The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.
If I got a penny for everytime I didn't understand what's going on
I'd be like, "why are you giving me all these pennies?"
I tried looking at a penny under a microscope.
*...magnificent.*
An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.
The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!
The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...
The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...
The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.
in for a penny, in for a pound
A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, Wait, why'd you throw in the $5 bill? He replied, Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!
If I had a penny for everytime I didn't understand what was going on
I'd be asking Why do I keep getting pennies?
If banks have a penny for every time they robbed someone ...
Oh wait, they do.
A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"
God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."
"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, like a penny to you is a million dollars for us?"
"Um, yeah, kinda. Something like that...." God says
"Well, in that case, can I just have a penny, God?" The man shoots his shot
"Sure" God agrees, much to the surprise of the man. "Just gimme a second to find it...."
An ugly son asks his Dad Why is my sister named Rose?
Dad: Because when she was coming out of the hospital, a rose fell from the sky and landed on her forehead.
US: Same for Penny?
Dad: Yup. A penny just fell onto her little head.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem, Brick.
Sheldon, Howard and Raj saved up 1 million dollars each
Leonard only had a penny
How do you turn a penny into a dollar?
Cut it into four quarters.
I haven't seen this one before and i just thought of it on my own but if it's already been done I'm sorry
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers fighting over a penny.
;-)
Did you hear the one about the man who was unjustly trapped inside of a penny?
He yelled, "Let me outta here. I'm in a cent!"
What do you call a clown that saves money by being homeless?
Penny wise
I'm new to the stock market and I've been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I'll explain.
That's when I tend to buy them.
Your momma is so poor
She could fart on a penny and she still wouldn't have gas money
I have a list of friends who love palindromes!
Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny."
*Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*
"I came straight home, of course!"
*That's my good boy.*
"Mom?"
*Yes, my son?*
"May I please have a penny?"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the penny pennies jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working penny tuppence piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.