penny Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious penny puns

If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD...

I'd have 1,526 pennies.

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If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

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If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny

I get sad every time I look in a mirror

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A conversation with God

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

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If I had a penny everytime I did not understand what was going on,

I would not understand why I got so much pennies

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A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

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I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.

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God is funny

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"


God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

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Little Johnny asked god a question.

Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?

God: Why, yes it's absolutely true!

Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?

God: You're absolutely right!

Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?

God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.

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Today I threw a penny down the well and made a wish.

That the police would never find Penny's body.

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Two black men are walking down the street

...and they see a sign that says "Be white for 99 cents!" The first man says he has the dollar on him, the second man only has 98 cents. The first man says, okay, I'll go in and if it works, I'll give you the penny. First first man goes in and comes a while later. The second man asks "Can I have the penny?" The first man replies "Get a damn job!"

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If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out..

I'd have 5 cents.

She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.

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A man is praying to God...

He says, "Lord? May I ask you a question?"

"Sure thing!", God replies.

"Well," the man begins, "Is it true that a million years is just a second to you?"

God replies, "Yes, that is true."

The man then asks, "And is it true that a million dollars is only a penny to you?"

"Yes."

"In that case, can I have a penny?"

"Sure," God answers, "Just give me a second."

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My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

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Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil

It only cost him a Penny

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Four types of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

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A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.

While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."

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One day God is walking on Earth and a man approaches him.

Man: "Hey God, isn't 1 million years like a second to you?"

God: "Hm, that's pretty accurate. 1 million years is like a second to me"

Man: "Then 1 million dollars would be like... a penny to you, wouldn't it?"

God: "Yes, a million dollars would be like a penny to me."

Man: "Then, can I have 1 million dollars?"

God: "Sure. Just a sec."

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Limericks by Jenny

There was a young woman named Jenny

Whose limericks were not worth a penny.

Oh, the rhyme was all right,

And the meter was tight,

But whenever she tried to write any,

She always wrote one line too many!

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What does pennywise have in common with my wife?

*They both took the fucking kids*

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A class is learning about probability..

Teacher: If I toss a penny, what are the chances that I get a head?

Girl: For a penny? Not very bright.

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A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

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Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Attorney: He's in a cent.

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A man is talking to God.

A man is talking to God.

The man says, God, how long is a million years?
God says, To me, it's about a minute.
The man says, God, how much is a million dollars?
God replies, To me it's a penny.
The man says, God, can I have a penny?
God says, Wait a minute.

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Psychiatrist Observations

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go

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The Fortune Teller, came true!

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?

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TIL that the Hindi word for "penny" is derived from the word for bread, as in the ancient Indus valley, small and dense pieces of bread were used as currency

Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me

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The secret to wealth

A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."

"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."

"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."

"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."

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Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Betty, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

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penny scales

A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.

"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

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A man finds God and asked

Man: "God... How long is a millenium to you?"

God: " 1 second "

Man: "God.... How much is a billion dollars to you?"

God: " A penny "

The man started stroking his chin and got an idea.

Man: "God.... Can you lend me a penny?"

God: " Sure.... Just give me a second "

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One Second

So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"

God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."

Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"

One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."

So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"

And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."

*This is my all time favorite joke, friend told it to me awhile ago, so yeah.*

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God will provide

My daughter brought her fiancΓ©e home to meet her mother and me. I asked the young man, "How do you intend to support my daughter?"

He replied, "Well, sir, I didn't go to college and have had trouble finding a job but I know that God will provide."

I then asked, "Do you have any savings that you can live on until you get on your feet?"

He answered, "Unfortunately, no sir. I haven't a penny to my name, but I'm sure that God will provide."

Finally, I asked, "Can you ask your family for financial assistance to help you through the early days of your marriage?"

"No sir. My family has barely enough money to pay their own bills. But I'm sure that God will provide for me and your daughter."

I left him to go find my wife and report back on our conversation. "So how'd it go?" she asked. I replied, "Well the bad news is he hasn't got a pot to piss in. The good news is he thinks I'm God."

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So a man dies and goes to Heaven...

In Heaven, he asks God what the coolest things about Heaven are.

God says, "Well, here in Heaven, a minute lasts a million years, and a penny is worth a million dollars."

The man replies, "Oh, cool! Can I have a penny?"

To which God tells him, "In a minute."

My fifth grade teacher told me this joke when I was in, well, fifth grade.

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Four kinds of sex...

There are four kinds of sex...

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

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What are the most funny Penny jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Penny? Well, here are the best Penny dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Penny pick up lines to share with friends.

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