pennies Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious pennies puns

If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD...

I'd have 1,526 pennies.

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If I had a penny everytime I did not understand what was going on,

I would not understand why I got so much pennies

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I caught my dad chewing pennies and spitting them out.

I said, "Dad, what the hell are you doing?"

He replied, "Im making us rich son"

"How?" I asked

"Simple", he said, "I'm making bit coins"

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Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies.

I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.

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Why are 1980 pennies worth more than 1979 pennies? (Dads joke)

The same reason 10 pennies is worth more than 9.

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My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

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The U.S mint stopped making pennies.

I don't know why, it doesn't make any cents.

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A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.

While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."

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What do you call a kennel made of pennies, dimes, and quarters?

A Nickle-less Cage

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My uncle used to counterfeit pennies...

My uncle used to counterfeit pennies out of real copper, but got copper poisoning. At least, we think that's what happened, because one day he just stopped making sense.

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Princess Diana Jokes

What's the difference between Princess Diana and a blade of grass? About six feet.

How is Princess Diana like a mobile phone? Both die in tunnels.

Where does Diana stay when she visits Paris? Any place she can crash.

How is Princess Diana like breaking a bone? Both need a doctor to remove the plaster of paris.

What's the difference between Princess Diana and thirty-nine pennies? It's easier to scrape together thirty-nine pennies.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

What's the difference between Princess Diana an Casper the ghost? Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.

What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana? A Mercedes will easily reach 40.

What would Di be doing if she were alive today? Scratching at the lid of her coffin.

Yes I am a horrible person wow.

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A young boy wants to buy a tomato...

He approaches the farmer with his few pennies and asks how much that nice, red, juicy tomato would cost. The farmer replies, "35 cents."

Appearing dismayed, the child wanders down the rows of vines and finds a small, green, unappetizing tomato.

"How much for this little one, here?" he timidly asked.

"Hehe. 3 cents" the farmer replied with a chuckle.

"Great!" the boy exclaimed as he handed over his coins. "I'll be back next week to pick it up."

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A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it continues for a couple of weeks until one day, the biker decides to pay with a 5 dollar bill.

The bartender is relieved to not have to pick up 350 pennies this evening, and she decides to give the biker a taste of his own medicine. She gets 150 pennies, drops them in front of the biker and says "your change, big boy!"

The biker pulls out 200 pennies, drops them on the table and says "another beer, please."

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Did you hear about the woman who tried to bribe the police with pennies?

She was taken in by the coppers.

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Happiness

Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump are on a plane. As the plane flies over a poor city, the Korean dictator looks through the window and claims:

-If I were to toss a dollar off the plane, I would make one person happy.

-If I were to throw a hundred dollars in pennies, I could make entire families happier,- says President Putin.

-Please, the amount of spare change I could find in my pockets alone would cheer up the city,- boasts President Trump.

-And if I were to throw you three off the plane, I would make the entire humanity happy,- adds the pilot.

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A man has a conversation with God

Man: How much is a minute to you?

God: A thousand years

Man: Wow really? Ok then how much is 10 million dollars to you?

God: A penny

Man: Wow that's amazing, is it ok if I can have one of your pennies?

God: Sure thing, just give me a minute

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Why did Al Capone refuse to carry pennies?

Because he hates coppers, see?

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If I had a penny for every time someone said they think I have OCD

I'd have 1,657 pennies .

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When Canada stopped using pennies, my dad lost his job.

Now he just doesn't make cents.

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A hobbyist metalsmith was arrested for displaying his handmade pennies in public. What was he charged with?

Indie-cent exposure.

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I GOT A FREE FOUNTAIN DRINK AT THE MALL TODAY!!

But all the pennies in the water gave it a bad taste.

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So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It stops on a dime."

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My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table...

My wife was counting all our pennies out on the kitchen table, when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, She's going through change.

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Some people say they should stop making pennies.

If you ask me, that doesn't make any cents.

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What do pennies and fat chicks have in common?

Unless you're broke and desperate, they're not worth picking up.

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A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: "See any snakes?... There are 3 copperheads."
4 pennies: "See any cars?... There are 4 Lincolns."
5 pennies: "See any pussy?... No, not for 5 cents you won't."

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Fake people are like pennies

Two-faced and not worth a dime.

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A young boy starts choking on some pennies

The boys dad runs to him and tries to help him cough them out. After unsuccessfully helping, he grabs his phone and calls the local doctor for help.

"Doctor, My son had swallowed some pennies, and he is choking on them, please come quickly before he gets hurt"

"Sorry sir, I'm currently out of town, but grab a pen and put this number down, 1-800-377-6971. They will be sure to get every last cent out of him"

"Is this the phone number for the hospital doctor?"

"No it's the income tax service hotline"

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If I had a penny every time someone said I had OCD...

I'd have 3791 pennies.

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If the US stops minting pennies, 99ยข deals will disappear

because they won't make cents any more.

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What do you call a handful of pennies?

Common cents.

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What do Stephan Harper and pennies have in common?

They're both useless in Canada.

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Leaving a tip

A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves".

The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really?
Tell me, what does my tip say"?

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man".

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough".

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor".

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too".

"And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor".

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I fear change...

The pennies make my hands come out in a rash.

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Just hold on a second

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

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What are the most funny Pennies jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Pennies? Well, here are the best Pennies dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Pennies pick up lines to share with friends.

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