Penance Jokes
10 penance jokes and hilarious penance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about penance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Humorous Penance Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What is a good penance joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
Teenage boys
Two teenage boys go to confession. In the booth the first boy admits having s**... with a girl but refuses to name her. The priest asks, 'It wasn't Mary Jones, was it?' The boy says 'No, Father it wasn't'. The priest asks' 'Was it Angela Brown?'. The boy replies 'No, Father. it wasn't. 'It wasn't Jane Carter by any chance?' The boy says 'No father it wasn't' The priest gives up and says 'Well for your penance say fifty Hail Mary's and leave half your pocket money in the poor box.' When the boy leaves his friend asks him how it went. He replies 'Not bad, a $5 fine and three great leads!'
Confession
Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
Builder
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take? " his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake. " "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat? " "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber. "
An 80 year old man walks into a confessional booth
He tells the priest that he just had a t**... with two 20 year old girls. Father said "I'm glad you confessed, adultery is a sin, and your penance is to say five Hail Maries." The 80 year old replied, "I've never said the Hail Mary, I'm Jewish."
The good father asked, "Then why did you come here to tell me this?"
"I'm 80 years old and just had a t**...," he replied. "I'm telling everyone"
The woman comes to the priest for confession
- Father, I have sinned. I cheated on my husband.
- I understand. For penance, go around the church as many times as you cheated on him.
- On foot?
A guy goes in to a catholic church to confess his sins but Father is still sleeping up stairs half drunk so one of the altar boys tries taking the confession instead
but soon this altar boy is put in a situation where he does not know what to do.
"Euh, excuses me for one sec. I will be right back to let you know what the proper penance is for that sin"
"Psssht, hey danny. Danny!"
"Yeah"
"What does Father give for m**...?"
"Two snickers and a marsbar"
What does a priest bring to a sporting event?
Penance
A woman goes to a church and confesses to the priest there. "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have seen another man's privates."
The priest tells her, "For your penance, say one Our Father, two Hail Mary's, and wash your face with holy water."
Another woman walks in and tells the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have touched another man's privates."
The priest replies, "Say two Our Father's, five Hail Mary's, and wash your hands with holy water."
The second woman goes to the holy water font and begins to wash her hands.
As she is rinsing, a third woman runs up to her, yelling, "What are you doing? I have to gargle with that!"
A man goes to confession
He says to the priest: "Forgive me father for I have committed adultery... I think."
"What do you mean you think? You're not sure if you've committed adultery?" Inquired the priest.
"Well father. I was with a woman and things were about to get n**.... I THOUGHT about putting it in but never actually put it in. And so I decided to leave."
"Of course that's adultery!" Replied the priest. "THINKING about putting it in is the SAME as putting it in. Now for penance I want you to pray 10 Our Fathers and leave $50 in the donation box."
So the man leaves the confessional and says his prayers. Then he approaches the donation box for a moment and begins to leave, but the priest runs over and stops him.
"My son! I saw that you prayed your penance but you haven't made your donation!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I thought real hard about putting it in!"
Rubbing equal ?
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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