Pen Jokes

Following is our collection of pencil puns and uniball one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Pen jokes for adults, dirty notepad jokes and clean thermometer dad gags for kids.

The Best Pen Puns

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.

"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

A man arrived to a Duel with only a pen and a piece of paper

He proceeded to draw his weapon

I asked my North Korean pen pal how it was like living in North Korea

"I can't complain" he wrote back.

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."

A nurse goes to write something down, reaches into her pocket and takes out a rectal thermometer

"Ugh, some asshole's got my pen!"

A pencil isn't as phallic as a

pen is.


My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

Why was the ink blot upset?

Because his father was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

Doctor pulls a thermometer out of his top pocket...

"Some asshole's got my pen"

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

I'm so proud of my African pen pal.

He told me he hasn't had a drink in days. That's the spirit! Keep it up pal.

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

A sheepdog

.... gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:

*"All 40 accounted for"*

*"But I only have 36 sheep"* says the confused farmer

*"Yeah I know"* says the sheepdog. *"I rounded them up".*

Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer...

she exclaims, "Some asshole's got my pen!"


A doctor reaches in his jacket for a pen....

and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh great, some asshole's got my pen!"

Why was the little drop of ink so sad?

Because his father was in the pen, and he didn't know how long the sentence was!

A doctor walks into a bank

A doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit. When he goes to sign the check, he realizes he's scribbling with a thermometer.

"Oh, that's great," he says. "Some asshole's got my pen!"

I have a pen that can write underwater.

Friend: Wow really?!

Me: Yep. It can write other words, too.

A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination

Cyclobs: How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: Well... You need two i's...

Cyclobs (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn't it, Linda?

A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."

The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."

A man sees his dog chew up and swallow a pencil

Concerned, he immediately phones the vet.

"Doctor, my dog just chewed up and swallowed my pencil! What should i do?"

"Hmm...that sounds serious. You better bring him to me. I'll see you within a half hour."

"Yes, doctor, but what should I do in the meantime?"

"Use a pen."

Aerosmith

According to fellow band members, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler handles a pen very femininely. Rumour has it he doodles like a lady.

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

The teacher says "If you answer my question, you can go home."

One student throws a pen at him. The teacher asks "Who did that?"

"It was me, goodbye."

A zoo's only gorilla dies...

so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.

In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion's enclosure, taunting the animal below. But, in horror, he lost his grip, falling into the lion's cage.

Terrified, the actor shouts, Help! Help me! Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers urgently, Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!

A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her shirt pocket and says ...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen."

My new pen is amazing. It writes UNDERWATER.

Among other words.

Guy walks up to a fat girl in the bar and asks: "Hey do you have a pen?"

She replies: "why yes I do"

Guy: "well you better get back there before the farmer gets mad!"

Herding sheep.

A sheep herder is watching his dog herd all their sheep into a pen. The dog finishes and says "Master, I've got all 30 sheep in the pen". The man looks at the sheep, then back to the dog and says "but I only count 26". The dog says "I know, I rounded them up".

Proctologist walks into a bank

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to sign a deposit slip, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

My new pen is awesome. It writes underwater.

It writes other words too.

I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...

It wrote thousands of other words!

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.

"Left arm - found in ditch"

"Left leg - found in ditch"

~~"Head - found in bulavard~~

~~"Head - found in boulavard~~

*kick*

"Head - found in ditch"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...

but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

"I define myself to be on the outside."

A doctor walks into a bank.

Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well that's great, just great...some asshole's got my pen."

A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thought...

"Some asshole's got my pen"

A nurse takes a rectal thermometer out of her pocket.

She says, "Shit, some arsehole has my pen!"

I just bought a Dalmatian puppy...

And I've found out that if you join all the dots together with a marker pen...

It doesn't wash off...

Why does the blonde nurse take a red pen to work?

In case she has to draw blood.

A doctor at work

A doctor's at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a rectal thermometer instead. "Some asshole's got my pen!", he exclaims.

*Edited on the suggestion of /u/cunt-hooks*

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?

Ten-tickles!

Courtesy of Ben Morehead of the Goulet Pen team.

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the police....

.... they run into a barn to hide. The brunette hides behind a stall of cows, the redhead hides in the goat pen, and the blonde hides behind bags full of potatoes. The police come in and shine their flashlights on the cows. The brunette says "MOO!" and the police shine their lights on the goats. The redhead says "BAHH!", so the police move on to the potatoes. They shine their lights on them and the blonde says "POTATOES!!!"

As a kleptomaniac, I demand my rights...

And that guy's rights... And his pen...

It's been three weeks since I put superglue on my friend's pen.

But he still can't let it go.

A man out of work...

...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, falls in the lion pen. The lion chases him around for a while, to thunderous applause from the crowd. The lion finally tackles the man and says "Do you want to get us both fired?"

A pen maker's joke

I asked the ink drop why it looked so sad.

He said his mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long her sentence would be.

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust...

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming:

"I can't believe it's February and I'm still writing B.C. on all of my checks!"

I don't understand why banks keep their pens chained to the counter

If I trust you with my money, then you should trust me with your pen!

I've got a pen that can write underwater...

It can write other words too.

Did you guys hear about this new pen? You can write UNDERWATER!

You can write other words with it too

Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?

To draw blood.

A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket....

"Oh no, some arsehole has my pen!"

So my pen died today...

Unfortunately, it was decapitated.

Last night, ...

Last night, I was in a bar drinking my bitter and minding my own business.

This unsightly wench walked up to me and offered to leave her number.

I asked "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer notices you are missing."

Someone stole my pen today.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

Why does the nurse always carry a red pen while at work?

To draw blood.

I wrote a book on DIY.

It comes with a free pen.

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

The first thing she thinks is "Some asshole's got my pen"

Did you hear its now illegal to be in possession of a ballpoint pen in Spain?

That's the Spanish ink-position.

The pen is mightier than the sword...

And considerably easier to write with.

What did the Nurse say when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

Some arsehole's got my pen.

I took a prostate exam at home, I think I failed...

I lost my pen

My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She can't seem to let it go.

Cyclops: How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: Well, you need 2 i's.

Cyclops: [puts pen down] My life is just a joke to you, isn't it Linda?

Dad just laid this one on me:

Why do I have a red pen in my pocket?

So I can draw blood. . .

Wa wa waaaaaaaa

A doctor walks into a bank...

When he goes to sign a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket. He looks up at the banker and says "Dang it, some ***hole has my pen!"

I befriended a feminist pen pal, but i don't think it's going so well...

She just keeps sending me hate male.

Why was the ink drop crying?

Because his dad was in the pen

My psychiatrist told me I have kleptomania.

He said if I give him back his pen, he'll write me a prescription.

A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

How do you know your waitress is having a rough night?

She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pen.

Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?

Because he kept running out of the pen.

There is an abundance of pendant jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 77 funniest jokes and pen puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sharpie witze you can hear about pen.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes