Peeing Jokes

7 out of every 10 people admit to peeing in the shower

and 3 out of every 10 people are liars

A young girl walks in on her dad peeing...

The dad fumbles around trying to cover up. Then the girl says "don't worry dad. I've seen one before. Mommy brushes her teeth with the neighbor's."

Peeing !

A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What do you think you're doing. There's a public toilet fifty meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back.
"What do you think I have, a hose?

Little Jimmy at the Pool

Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...

A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...

He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."
"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"
The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."

I got caught peeing in the pool the other day

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud that I almost fell in.

What do you say if your peeing in Ireland and spot a leprechaun?

u**... luck

So I was peeing in the pool yesterday.

The lifeguard hollered so loud, I almost fell in!

Why is peeing around a Pokémon a bad idea?

Because it might Pikachu...

So little jimmy was peeing in the pool.

And the lifeguard yells at him, hey little jimmy, your not allowed to pee in the pool.
And little jimmy says to the lifeguard, but, but all the little kids pee in the pool.
And the lifeguard replies, Yeah, but not from the diving board...

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl peeing?

Because the p is silent. Yes. My 9 year old cracked me up with that just now.

Sometimes peeing feels better than s**....

It lasts longer too.

The best thing about p**... not publishing n**... anymore is that people will now have to try and convince others that they're buying h**... for the articles...which are usually about people peeing on each other.

Love is like peeing yourself....

– everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.

A bird flew in my bathroom window when I was peeing..

We stared at each other's peckers.

The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked

I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache

You know how when you swimming in a public pool and you need to go pee, you just pee in the pool? well i was at a pool one day and i needed to pee so i started peeing in the pool. The life guard saw me and started yelling at me. He scared me so much....

I almost fell in!

When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing

How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists

As a guy I hate peeing in the morning.

It's too hard.

Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands

A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

Two Jewish Guys at the u**...

There were two Jewish guys next to each other at the urinals. The guy on the right turns to other and asks: "You were circumcised by Rabbi Brown, weren't you?"
"I was! How did you know?"
"You're peeing on my shoe."

I went into surgery yesterday

After the anesthesia wore off the nurse said if I didn't pee within 2 days to go to the ER. To help, she recommended sitting in a warm bath and peeing in there. I told her "No problem, I've been doing that since I was 2"

I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady...

I couldn't believe the ungrateful w**... kept shouting at me, I'm peeing in here!

Friendship is like peeing on yourself

Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

An Army general and a Navy admiral are both in a public restroom.

The admiral finishes peeing, and leaves without washing his hands. The general also finishes up, but washes his hands.
On the way out the door, the general asks, "What, did they not teach you to wash your hands in the Navy?"
The admiral replies, "No, they taught us not to pee on our hands."

Girls are like walmarts.

If you go in through the b**... and start peeing someone might start shouting at you.

Wife is mad at me..caught me peeing in the shower.

People at the hardware store were pretty mad too.

Some of my friends make fun of me for peeing while sitting down.

But most of them just get mad because it's on their couch.

Two boys were peeing up a wall, the first boy looks at the second and says "Why does your thing look different than mine?"

The second boy says " I've been circumsized "
And the first boy asked "What's that?"
the second boy replies " Well on the day I was born they cut the skin off"
The first boy says " Oh my god! Did it hurt"
And the second boy replies " DID IT HURT!! I couldn't walk for eighteen months!!"

Why women make louder peeing sound than men?

Because men got a six inch suppressor.

Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!
I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!
Yes, but not from the high dive!

I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.
"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.
"But not while standing on the diving board!"

I got caught peeing in a pool once

The Lifeguard yelled so hard I almost fell in

My wife told me I had to stop peeing in the shower.

Or at the very least, wait until she's not in it anymore.

What did the policeman say to the man when he caught him peeing in public?

u**... trouble!

One day John decided to go swimming.

He's at the pool, enjoying himself, when the lifeguard approaches and says "John, it's time for you to leave the swimming pool".
John: "Why, I just got here a little while ago, I'm enjoying myself, why do I have to leave?".
Lifeguard: "Because you're peeing in the swimming pool".
John: "So what! Everybody pees in the swimming pool!"
Lifeguard: "BUT FROM THE HIGH DIVING BOARD!?"

Put the P in pool

A police officer is on his beat walking past a public pool. A woman runs out of the pool area and shrieks Officer!! Officer! There's a man peeing in the pool!
The cop responds so what lady, everyone pees in the pool
She responds, well not off the high dive!

I'm having the same problem when I'm playing FPS and when I'm peeing

I shot before I aim.

Peeing first thing in the morning:

It's hard, but not it's not impossible.

A man was peeing in the park

A man was peeing in the park and then a policeman came by.
"Please stop what you're doing and put it back in your pants" he said.
The scared man hid his d**... and went back to his friends.
"Oh man, I've tricked that policeman." said the man "I've put it back in my pants but I haven't stopped what I was doing"

Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it.

He told me not off the diving board

Two Jewish men are standing in the bathroom and peeing in adjacent urinals

the one to the right finishes doing his business, turns around, and says to his neighbor, Tell me, did Mohel Rabinovich do your bris [i.e. circumcision]? Yes, the other guy responds, how did you know?!!! Well, Rabinovich is a little cross-eyed and you are peeing on my shoes!

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was m**... and I shot the dog."

I can't resist peeing on women.

It's my R. Kelly's heel.

me at the docters

so I was at the docters and the docter said you have a peeing disorder and that u**... for a treat

My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water.

Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away.
And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once.

I asked a girl I caught peeing on a grape...

"Would you like to go on a date?"

Why is peeing normally similar to going outside without a mask

I haven't done it since April

Peeing in the Shower

My wife screamed at me peeing in the shower. I told her that everyone pees in the shower. She responded, "Yeah, but I'm trying to take a bubble bath."

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream g**...!
The German man responds, Groß? Danke!
Translation - Big? Thanks!

Why am I being banned from the pool?!

Because you're peeing in it.
But everyone pees in the pool!
Yes, but not from the diving board.

"Madam, Please ask your son to stop peeing in the pool!"

"Oh, But everyone pees in the pool! Are you saying you haven't?"
​
***'Not from the Diving board!!!"***

Having puppies

**Three dogs are at the vet's. Talking dog talk.**
Rover, "Why are you guys here?"
Sparky, "I been peeing all over the house. I'm going to get my nuts cut off." Ruff.
Barky, "I growl at everything. I'm going to get my nuts cut off. Ruff.
How about you Rover?"
Rover, "Well, my mistress was getting out of the shower yesterday, I love her *sooo* much. *Ah-Rooo*. Seeing her n**..., bent over drying her foot, well, I jumped on. "
The other two - "So you're getting you nuts cut off too?"
Rover, "h**... no! I'm getting my nails trimmed."

Mr. Green is reading a newspaper by the pool.

A lifeguard walks up and quietly says "Mr. Green there have been some complaints by the other guests."
Mr. Green puts down his paper. "Well I'm sure there isn't much of an issue."
The lifeguard continues, "it appears someone has been peeing in the pool."
"Everyone pees in the pool." Mr. Green stated plainly.
The lifeguard shouts "from the high dive Mr. Green?!?"

Mr Munger

Mr. Munger is lying poolside at the country club when the club manager approached him. "Mr. Munger, some of the other members have been complaining about you peeing in the pool," said the manager. "Oh c'mon," said Munger. "Why are you you singling me out? I'll bet everyone here pees in the pool!" The manager replied angrily, "NOT FROM THE HIGH DIVE, MR. MUNGER!"

Little Johnny took a leak with his classmate in the school loo.

His classmate noticed that after peeing, Johnny didn't wash his hands. He then proceeded to ask:

"Johnny, why do you not wash your hands after peeing?"

"Is there a need to do so?"

"Yes! My mum taught me to wash after peeing, to wash off pee in my hands."

"Well, I think your mom is s**... for that matter."

"How come, Johnny?"

"My mum never taught me to pee on my hands!"

Which legendary soul singer had trouble peeing?

u**... Franklin

I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.

The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.
He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."
The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.
He grunted "I had a fight with a rottweiler..."
The third man, an elderly, absent-minded looking guy, was peeing 30 streams.
"Oh my gosh, what the h**... happened to you?!?" I gasped.
He looked down, then sighed.
"Oh dear, I forgot to pull down my zipper again."

Why do you prefer peeing normally, versus having a nurse use a catheter?

u**... control.

Scientists have determined that if you drink more water, you will live longer...

But the extra time is spent peeing.

A German man went to New York City

He started peeing on the street
A lady walked pass him and said: "g**..."
He replied: "Danke"