Peeing Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool.

I was so startled, I almost fell in.

Got caught peeing in the pool

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady

She kept yelling, "I'm peeing in here!"

What a bitch.

Happiness is like peeing in your pants

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth

Golden toilets

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it

Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

I once got yelled at for peeing in a pool

Scared me so much I almost fell in.

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!

I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!

Yes, but not from the high dive!

I was trying to be a gentleman

And hold the door open for ladies.
But they kept screaming " get out, I'm peeing in here!"

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

I got caught peeing in the pool the other day

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud that I almost fell in.

I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.

"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.

"But not while standing on the diving board!"

Chivalry Is Dead

They said chivalry is dead so I wanted to prove them wrong. I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "Asshole, I'm peeing in here!"

My wife gets mad at me for peeing in the shower.

I keep explaining to her it's the best way to break the poop up into smaller pieces, so it goes down the drain. She just doesn't understand.

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 success is...having sex.

At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is...having friends.

At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

Three old guys are hanging out in the nursing home

They're old friends, and every day they sit together and shoot the breeze.

One day, Bob, the 70 year old, says "You know, I don't mind getting old. I can still play golf, flirt with the ladies - life's good! But you know what I miss? I miss peeing. Lord, I haven't had a good piss in years - I'd give anything for a good long piss!"

Fred, the 80 year old, replies: "Well Bob, life's pretty damn good for me too. But the thing I miss, is pooping. I don't think I've had a satisfying, solid shit in years. Man, I'd give almost anything for one good shit!"

Then Stan, the 90 year old, chimes in. "You guys are such wimps! Why, every morning - and I mean *every* morning - I take a good, long piss. Always at 9AM too - why it must be about a quart! And every morning I take a really big dump. And by big I mean *big*. And right on schedule, like clockwork, at 10AM....

Now... what *I'd* really like though, is to wake up - just once - sometime before 11AM..."

Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it.

He told me not off the diving board

Peeing in the Flowers...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."


"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the gut.

They rush her to the hospital and everything turns out ok. The babies are all fine.

12 years later one of her daughters comes to her worried "mom mom mom i was peeing and a bullet came out!"

"Thats strange." Says the mom.

A few days after that her other daughter rushes up "MOM MOM MOM i was peeing and a bullet came out!"

"Thats really strange" says the mom.

A few more weeks pass without issue, then her son comes up to her "MOM MOM MOM" she cuts him off "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."

"NO! I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"

A young girl walks in on her dad peeing...

The dad fumbles around trying to cover up. Then the girl says "don't worry dad. I've seen one before. Mommy brushes her teeth with the neighbor's."

Sometimes peeing feels better than sex.

It lasts longer too.

So God is nearly done creating Adam and Eve

And he looks to the bottom of the bag of attributes and sees there are only two left, so he decides to let the newly created humans choose who will get what.

God pulls out the first one and announces "the ability to stand while peeing". Adam jumps up excitedly and screams, "Yes! That one is for me! I could do so many things! Write my name in the snow, pee off of tall buildings, make ants go swimming. That's awesome!"

God says, "Well then, man shall have the ability to pee standing up... now let's see what is left. Ah! Multiple orgasms!"

Two boys were peeing up a wall, the first boy looks at the second and says "Why does your thing look different than mine?"

The second boy says " I've been circumsized "
And the first boy asked "What's that?"
the second boy replies " Well on the day I was born they cut the skin off"
The first boy says " Oh my god! Did it hurt"
And the second boy replies " DID IT HURT!! I couldn't walk for eighteen months!!"

Love is like peeing yourself....

– everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.

Peeing Bullets

A woman pregnant with triplets is in a bank, all of a sudden robbers walk in start shooting up the place, the woman is shot and gets rushed to the hospital.
After surgery and recovery the doctor comes in and tells her that a bullet got lodged in each fetus but they will be alright and the bullets will find their way out naturally in a few years.
14 years later one of the kids comes home, pale and scared to death, Mom asks what wrong and he says when he was at school, while peeing something came out of his penis, the mom explains everything and cools him down.
A couple of days later the second kid comes home with the same story and she explains everything to him as well.
Sometime later the third kid comes into the house scared to death and crying, Mom asks:"what's the matter honey ? did something weird happen when you were peeing? " and the kid responds:"No, I was jerking off in the yard and suddenly I shot the dog"
*

Friendship...

Is like peeing your pants. Everyone around you can see it but only you can feel the warmth it brings.

When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing

How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists

Sex ed students often ask me, "Does peeing in a girl's vagina get her pregnant?"

It's a common misconception.

So I'm on my way to work this morning...

So I'm on my way to work this morning when I realize that I need to take a leak. I find a spot to do my business, pull out my dick and start peeing. Right as I'm about to finish, the guy standing next to me leans over, looks down and says "Woah! Nice dick, man! You should do porn!"

I just stood there, shocked and thought to myself "Wow... There are some real creeps on the bus this morning..."

Why women make louder peeing sound than men?

Because men got a six inch suppressor.

A woman is pregnant with triplets...

A woman is pregnant with triplets and is walking into a bank.

On her way in a burglar is leaving the bank and shoots her 3 times in the stomach.

Luckily 3 healthy children were born: 2 girls and a boy.

Over 13 years later one of her daughters runs into the room screaming and crying. "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! I was peeing and I pissed out a bullet!"

The mother calmed her down. She told her the amazing story of her survival and the daughter walked away happy.

It wasn't long before her second daughter came into the room screaming all the same. "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! I was peeing and I pissed out a bullet!"

The mother calmed her down all the same and off the 2nd daughter went.

Finally her son came running into the room. He was screaming his head off and tears running down his face. "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!"

The mother quickly replied "Were you peeing and pissed out a bullet?"

The son says:
"No. I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!"

As a guy I hate peeing in the morning.

It's too hard.

A man goes to a doctor for incontinence...

A man goes to the doctor for incontinence.

Man: Doc, I have a problem. I keep peeing in bed in the middle of the night.

Doc: Why? What's the problem.

Man: Well, in the middle of the night, right around midnight, this little elf appears. He climbs up in my bed, goes up to my ear and asks, "Did you pee yet?" and I say "No". Then he asks me, "Well, what you are waiting for?" and that's when I pee.

Doc: Well, this is very easy. Tonight, don't do anything differently. Go to bed and when the elf shows up and asks you if you've pee'd yet, just say "yes" and the problem will be solved.

So the guy goes home and gets into bed. Right on schedule, at around midnight, the elf shows up. He climbs on the bed and whispers in the man's ear..

Elf: Did you pee yet?

Man: YES!

Elf: Did you poop?

Man: No

Elf: Well what are you waiting for?

Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later the second boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee came out.' She doesn't believe him and he goes back out to play. Ten minutes later, the oldest boy comes in and the mom says 'Let me guess, you were taking a pee and a beebee came out?' He says 'No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

A man walks up to a bartender

A man walks up to a bartender and tells him "I bet you $5,000 I can pee into a cup all the way across your bar."

The bartender, knowing this is impossible, agrees. They set it up and the man starts peeing all over the place, missing the cup completely. The bartender gets begins to cheer because he know he just won $5,000.
The man walks over to his friends and comes back to the bartender. He pays the bartender his money with a grin on his face. The bartender asks him "Why are you so happy? You just lost $5,000."

The man replies "I know, but I bet my friends $10,000 dollars that you would cheer while I pee all over the bar."

Tyrone

One day in his third grade class, Tyrone asks his teacher if he can go to the bathroom. While he's in the bathroom, peeing, his classmate, Timmy enters and begins peeing in the stall right next to Tyrone. Naturally, he is a little curious, so Tyrone looks over the stall to see if Timmy's wee wee is as big as his.

When he gets back to class, he asks the teacher, "How come my wee wee is so much bigger than Timmy's? Is it because I am black and he is white"?

The teacher answers, "No, Tyrone, it's because you are 17 years old".

Success means different things at different times of life

At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success means having friends.
At age 17, success means having a driver's license.
At age 25, success means having sex.
At age 35, success means having money.
At age 45, success means having money.
At age 55, success means having sex.
At age 65, success means having a driver's license.
At age 75, success means having friends.
At age 85, success means not peeing in your pants.

Friendship is like peeing your pants.

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth inside.

What did the policeman say to the man when he caught him peeing in public?

Urine trouble!

Bathroom Etiquette

An Air Force Major is just finishing up at a urinal when a Marine Corp Captain enters the bathroom. As the Marine is peeing, the Air Force officer makes a show of carefully soaping and scrubbing his hands with military precision. Just as the Air Force Major is drying off his hands, the Marine flushes and heads for the door.

"You know, in the Air Forces they teach us that you should always wash your hands after you pee," says the Air Force Major.

"Really?" replies the Marine. "In the Corp they just teach us not to pee on our hands."

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see it, so I went to the door to check if any adults were coming, then I whipped it out for everyone to see.
Eventually Susan ratted me out, and that's how I lost my teaching career.

Some of my friends make fun of me for peeing while sitting down.

But most of them just get mad because it's on their couch.

Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands

A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...

He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."

"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"

The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."

Two men in a car have to go to the bathroom really bad...

and they can't wait any longer, so they pull off onto the side of a dirt road. To keep their manners, they agree to pee on opposite sides of the road.

The passenger gets out and starts peeing on some buttercups. After a moment, a voice in his head booms out, "This is God, and I made those buttercups for everyone to enjoy! How dare you urinate on them?!?!? From now on, everything you eat that contains butter will make you violently ill!" The man is dejected because he loves butter and hates the thought of not having it.

He gets back in the car, where the driver is waiting, and tells him of his bad luck. His friend says "You think you got it bad, I just pissed all over some pussywillows!"

I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady...

I couldn't believe the ungrateful wench kept shouting at me, I'm peeing in here!

Two gifts to Adam and Eve

When God was almost done creating Adam and Eve he said to them: "Alright I am almost done with you. I have two more gifts I can give you"

Adam and Eve go "what is it?"
God "the first one is the gift of peeing while standing upright..." Adam interrupts "Pick me me me!!! I want to pee standing upright!!!". So God gives it to him and Adam runs off rejoicing "wheeey yaay!!!" and starts peeing all over the place.

Eva asks "so what is the second gift?"
God answers "well the second gift is the brain but it seems I will have to give to Adam too if this place shall remain paradise"

Peeing !

A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What do you think you're doing. There's a public toilet fifty meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back.
"What do you think I have, a hose?

Bartender

An old man walks into a bar with a friend. After finishing his first pint, he tells the bartender that for a $500 bet he can pee into his empty glass from one end of the bar to the other. The bartender knows that this is impossible so he shakes his hand and the bet is on. The old man stands on the bar and starts peeing. He aims for the cup but he isn't even close. He's old enough that he isn't even close, he waves his dick around, trying to get it into the cup. During this, he hits the bartender in the face with his stream of urine. Once he finish, he sat down and admitted that he lost. The bartender held out his hand for the $500 and as soon as he asked the old man why he bet so much, he answered, "I bet my lawyer $3,000 that I could pee all over you and have you smile afterwards."

Having a good friend is just like peeing your pants.

Everybody can see it but only you feel that warm sensation of happiness.

Kissing is like peeing your pants

Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat

So I was peeing in the pool yesterday.

The lifeguard hollered so loud, I almost fell in!

Little Jimmy at the Pool

Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...

I can't resist peeing on women.

It's my R. Kelly's heel.

I got caught peeing in a pool once

The Lifeguard yelled so hard I almost fell in

Redneck logic..

A redneck is peeing in a urinal looks downs and sees a quarter and thinks about it... Reaches in his pocket and throws in another quarter. Then reaches in the urinal and pulls out both quarters. Another man is staring at him and the redneck says "not for a quarter but for fifty cents hell yeah".

A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden.

A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden. He was amazed looking at the size of the penis he had.

He called him and asked "How come you black men have such big dongs?"

Slave :Its an ancient secret passed on from our tribe through generations,when you have sex, push in real fast and then pull very slowly.The suction will slowly aid in the growth of the penis over time."

Delighted by the news,he decided to try the trick on his wife that night . As he was doing her with the same technique

His wife stopped halfway and asked "Whats the matter with you tonight? You're fucking like a n*gger"

Wife is mad at me..caught me peeing in the shower.

People at the hardware store were pretty mad too.

Three dogs are sitting at a vet office..

Three dogs are sitting at a vet office and the first dog turns to the second and asks what he is in for. Second dog says, "Everyday, my owner comes home to me peeing all over the house. Can't help myself, so he is putting me to sleep. What are you in for?"
First dog says, "Well everyday, my owner comes home to me shitting all over the house. Can't help myself either, so he is putting me down to sleep as well." They both turn to the third dog and asks him the same question.
"Well my owner always does the cleaning completely naked, and one day while she was bending over to dust, I couldn't help myself and I started humping her like crazy."
The first dog says, "So she is putting you down to sleep?"
Third dog replies, "Nope, she just sent me her to get my nails trimmed."

A Jewish man walks into a bathroom.

He unzips his pants and proceeds to pee into a urinal. The man peeing next to him taps him on the shoulder and says hey David! did you have Doctor Goldstein as your Mohel? The man turns his head and replies yes! How did you know? The other man just looks down at the ground and says he's cross eyed and you're peeing on my leg.

This joke has been passed down through my very Jewish family for a few generations and It's my go to. A Mohel is the Jewish doctor who performs circumcisions for the uninformed.

My wife told me I had to stop peeing in the shower.

Or at the very least, wait until she's not in it anymore.

Two Jewish men are standing in the bathroom and peeing in adjacent urinals

the one to the right finishes doing his business, turns around, and says to his neighbor, Tell me, did Mohel Rabinovich do your bris [i.e. circumcision]? Yes, the other guy responds, how did you know?!!! Well, Rabinovich is a little cross-eyed and you are peeing on my shoes!

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl peeing?

Because the p is silent. Yes. My 9 year old cracked me up with that just now.

What are the funniest peeing jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Peeing? Well, here are the best Peeing puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Peeing pick up lines to share with friends.

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