Peed Jokes

82 peed jokes and hilarious peed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about peed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Peed Short Jokes

Short peed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The peed humour may include short velocity jokes also.

  1. I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food? SEIZURE salad.
    I peed
  2. My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."
  3. Can I sell kayak equipment if my dog peed on it? Can I peddle a paddle if it's in a puddle of poodle piddle?
  4. While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back. I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"
    -true story, just happened.
  5. I peed on the side of the bowl so that it makes no noise when I pee And they kicked me out the restaurant immediately
  6. My cat peed on my brand new expensive backpack so I had to throw it away. I'll miss you, Fluffy.
  7. Did you hear about the BuzzFeed employee who peed on an exposed wire? Number 1 shocked him.
  8. Challenge Only a Genius can say these four words, Four times Really fast without getting Tongue twisted.
    Eye , Yum , Stew , Peed
  9. If you can say these four words very fast without getting tongue tied, you're a genius. 1) Eye
    2) Yam
    3) Stew
    4) Peed
  10. Dream achieved If you are dreaming that you peed on yourself and you woke up and realize that you really peed on yourself , dont cry dont be upset be happy that you have achieved your dream.

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Peed One Liners

Which peed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with peed? I can suggest the ones about fast and pace.

  1. What did Archimedes say when he peed in the bath? UREA!!!
  2. What did the starship captain say when he peed his pants? Yellow alert, number one.
  3. Have you heard of the famous pirate who peed on underage girls? His name was Arr Kelly
  4. I peed in the shower once The manager of Home Depot kicked me out
  5. I peed on the elevator. That's wrong on SO many levels.
  6. I peed on the floor in front of the beverages at a party Now there's no punchline.
  7. It was so hard getting out of bed this morning but then after I peed it went soft
  8. I just peed with morning wood It was hard
  9. It's all coming back to me now said the old man who peed in the wind
  10. A German shepherd peed outside my house yesterday... Next week, he's bringing his dog
  11. The Prophylactic Why did the prophylactic fly across the room?
    It was peed off.
  12. It's just like that time I peed into the wind- It's all coming back to me now.
  13. Why did the dolphin get kicked out of the aquarium? he peed in the pool on porpoise.
  14. If i had a dollar for everytime someone peed on me. I would be........ President.
  15. What did the 7 say to the 8? "You're an eight."
    Then the 8 peed on the 7.

Peed joke, What did the 7 say to the 8?

Hilarious Fun Peed Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about peed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean slow jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make peed pranks.

So, a female friend asked me for my honest, unbiased opinion of her...

...on a scale from 1 to 10. I looked her up and down and said, quickly, "You're an eight." I think she peed a little.

I just peed myself and ruined my expensive pair of pants, socks, and shoes

Trickle down economics

This morning I had a leak in my shower...

Wait, WHOAH, that didn't sound right. Talk about a double entendre.
What I meant to say was this morning I *peed* in my shower...

Drunk guy went to the bathroom

a drunk guy went home late, before sleeping he went to the bathroom to pee, he opened the door and the lights were on, he closed the door and the lights went off, he said how is that possible ? he peed and went to bed.
next morning he asked his wife "What's the matter with the bathroom lights, i opened the door and they went on and when i closed the door they went off".
she said:"so you're the one who peed in the Refrigerator"

Obama wakes up on a snowy morning at the White House and looks out the window see someone has peed "OBAMA s**..." in the snow. He asks the secret service to investigate. They come back and say, "sir we have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, Biden did it."
"What's worse than that?!" Says the president.
"Well sir, the worse news is, it was Michelle's handwriting."

Friend says "Help I had s**... with this girl and accidentally peed inside her and now she won't talk to me"

Other friend's response: "Sounds like u**... trouble"

My wife was upset that I peed in the tub.

In retrospect, I probably should've let her finish her bath first.

What did the mother say to the son after he peed on the toilet seat?

u**... trouble.

Two jungle explorers got captured by cannibals...

Now they find themselves in a giant cauldron full of water over an open fire. The water is getting warmer and warmer and both of them realize they're done for. So they're sitting there not sure what to do when one of them lets out a chuckle. "how could you laugh at a time like this?" says the other one, "we're both about to die!".
"I know...but I just peed in their soup."

I adopted a rescue dog early this morning...

But she hasn't saved anyone all day and she's peed in the house twice. This is b**....

Girlfriend Joke - Written by Me

I was in the shower with my girlfriend the other day and I asked her,
"Have you ever been peed on in the shower?"
She said, "NO!"
I said, "Yes, Yes you have!"

A joke I made up

What happened to wendy on her way to neverland?
She peed her pants
(read out loud)

two guys talking....

Guy one: I was having s**... with my girlfriend and accidentally peed in her. Now she won't talk to me.
Guy two: Sounds like u**... trouble.

99 year old man goes to the doctor...

and says, Doc, I can't pee.
Doctor says, Haven't you peed enough?

I peed in my friend's beer before giving it to him...

I told him, "u**... for a surprise"

A dog peed on my bike today. Of course I did not put up with that.

I peed all over it immediately.

A shocking new report reveals Donald Trump likes to be peed on by members of his new administration

He calls it a Goldman shower

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, orders a beer, walks over to the piano, and sets his beer down on it. The piano man's monkey climbs over and pees directly into the glass of beer. The man says
"Hey, do you know your monkey peed in my glass?!?"
The piano man says
"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll play it for you."

When you find that you've peed yourself in public...

u**... trouble.

retired man joke

There were two retired men. One of the men said
"I feel like a newborn baby,".
The other man asked why.
The man said, " I have no hair, no teeth, and I just peed in my pants.

Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

He picked up his hammer and saw.
"It's all coming back to me now," he told his deaf dog as he peed into the wind.

I once used a toilet that had a note on it that said aim like a Jedi, not like a Stormtrooper .

So i closed my eyes and let the force guide me as i peed.

A friend's dog accidentally peed on my girlfriend while we were walking.

"It's all over my shoes!" she yells to me.
"Oh, it's just a wee bit," I reply.

There were some monks in a monastery...

...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man goes up and explains that he had sinned by cheating on his wife. The Abbot again tells him to go and drink from the fountain and he would feel better.
The third homeless man goes up to the abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned" the Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man answers "I peed in the fountain".

What's worse than dropping your phone in the toilet bowl you just peed in?

Cancer. Cancer is much much worse.


Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?
No , she replies sleepily.
I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I'm getting super powers!
Emily replies groans: Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!

A little girl peed herself in class.

The teacher asked "why didn't you put your hand up?"
The girl replied "I did but it trickled through my fingers."

What do you say to someone who just got peed on by a leprechaun?

u**... luck!

My next door neighbour came over and accused me of stealing her clothes!

She threatened to call the Police! I was so scared I nearly peed her pants! :'(

A man goes to the doctor.

M: I haven't peed in 2 days.
D: How old are you?
M: 92
D: You've peed enough.

Why was Michael Jackson's mattress yellow?

'Cause he peed it, peed it. Just peed it, peed it.

Last night I found out my wife cheated on me. I peed on her an shouted...

u**... alot of trouble!!

An old man visits his doctor.

Doctor asks : "what's wrong?"
Old man says : "I can't pee!"
Doctor asks : "how old are you?"
Old man says : "I'm 95!"
Doctor says : "you've peed enough."

Mom used to get furious when I peed with the seat down.

She'd say, "I know you wanna be like your father, Sandra, but you make a horrible mess."

So a guy walks into an adult club for people who like to pee on each other...

The manager comes up to him and says "So why are you here? Do you want to join us?".
The man says "Well, I like being peed on, so yes I'd like to join".
The manager looks him dead in the eye and says "You're in".

A little boy peed himself in his sleep and wanted to keep it a secret

Later in a conversation, he accidentally leaked to someone.

An old man goes to see his doctor

An old man goes to see his doctor. During his examination, the old man says that God is watching over him. He says that during the night, he went to the bathroom. When he opened the door, the light opened and when he closed the door, the light turned off.
Perplexed, the doctor asks the old man's wife about the incident. After telling her the story, she says :
"Oh no! Don't tell me he peed in the fridge again!"

Two men were breaking into a high security software company...

They couldn't get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.
It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.
They looked at each other, impressed and relieved.

I came home today and my dog peed a little 'cause he was happy to see me.

None of my friends pee when they see me.
I'm surrounded by fakes.

I peed in my neighbors' pool yesterday, and they noticed.

I guess I should have gotten in first.

My wife walked in to the room, I snuck up behind her and yelled Boo!

She Shrieked, cried hysterically peed herself and ran outside.
I always do this to her but I guess it was funnier when I was alive.

Did you hear about the blonde who got locked into the bathroom?

She was in there so long she peed her pants.

A man stumbles across a magic lamp while walking in a forest

Upon rubbing it a genie appears and says that for freeing him he will grant him one wish.
The man thinks for a while and finally says :
" I wish that I peed out don perignon champagne"
The genie albeit confused grants the wish.
The man quickly hurries home and tells it all his wife.
The wife excitedly fetches some champagne glasses.
To which the man says "Oh no honey, tonight you drink from the bottle"

Free Organic Pathologist Test

Go upto a tree and take a leak:
* If pee attracts ants, you've got diabetes.
* If it dries fast, your sodium is high.
* If it smells like meat, your cholesterol is high.
* If you forgot to unzip, it's Alzheimer's.
* If you missed the tree, Parkinson's.
* If you peed on your shoes, enlarged prostate.
* If you can't smell it, COVID 19.

Tractor ain't working

A horse peed on my tractor the other day and now it won't run. Seems it's come down with a urinary tractor infection.

What did the teacher say when the student peed his pants?

u**... trouble!

Peed joke, Dream achieved