Pee Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?

Because they're dead

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".

How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

A pee fetish isn't something you do half-hearted.

Either urine or you're out.

Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it

Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife

One day, the President finds a nasty message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.


"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."


"What's the bad news?"


"The urine belongs to the Vice President."


"What could possibly be worse than that?"


"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

Friends are like snowflakes...

If you pee on them, they'll dissapear.

"Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool."

"But everyone pees in the pool!"

"Yes, but not from the diving board."

I don't get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.

There is a vas deferens between the two.

Friends are like Snowflakes

If you pee on them, they disappear.

[NSFW] Johnny is in sex-ed class...

...and the teacher draws a diagram of a penis on the board. She turns and asks the class,
"Does anyone know what this is?"
Johnny's hand shoots up and he says, "Yeah, I know! My dad has two of them!"
The teacher gives Johnny a quizzical look and asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yep," Johnny says with confidence. "He uses the little one to pee, and he uses the big one to brush the babysitter's teeth!"

Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.

He gets furious and turns red.

"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.

"It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee."

"Oh. That's not so bad."

"Yeah, but it's in *her* handwriting."

Three old men talk about their problems.

The first one says,
I wake up at 7 a.m every morning with a terrible urge to pee. I go to the bathroom and I stand there for two hours and nothing.

The second one says,
I wake up at 6 a.m every morning with a terrible need to defecate. I sit there reading for four hours, and nothing.

Finally the third one says,
Don't look at me. There's no drama here, my system works like clockwork. I pee at 7 a.m, I shit at 8, and at 9, I wake up.

Who cares if you pee in the shower?

The bride and all her guests, apparently.

What kind of soup do men have after sex?

Split pee

A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.

1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your foreskin.
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your foreskin back.
5. Pull up your pants.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

Is R Kelly a rapper or a raper?

It depends how much pee is involved.

From my 8 year old son

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Answer: Cause the Pee is silent

A boy asks his mom, When I grow up will I have two penises like daddy?

Mom: Daddy doesn't have two penises son

Son: Sure he does! He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth!

Friends are like snow

when you pee on them, they disappear.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet?

Because the pee is silent.

With thanks to my seven year old son.

Two Italian men are sitting next to an old lady on a bus.

The first one says to the second: "Emma come, then I come. Dennis come, and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses come together. I come and pee twice. Then I come again."
The old lady looks at them in disgust and says to them: "Here in America, we prefer to keep our sex lives private."
The Italian man says: "Coola down, madam. Imma justa teacha my friend howa spella Mississippi."

What does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the bathroom?

Nothing, the pee is silent

Two boys sitting to pee

Two five year old boys are sitting at the potty to pee.

When one says, " Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

" I've been circumcised." Says the second boy.

" What does that mean?"

"It means they cut the protective skin skin off the end."

" How old were you when it was cut off?"

" My mom said that I was two days old."

" Did it hurt?"

" You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a whole year!"

What do you call crystal clear pee?

1080p

My dad has 2 dicks

Little Johnny is sitting in Sex Ed class. The teacher draws a penis on the chalkboard. She turns around and asks the children what this is. Little Johnny stands right up and says "That's a dick! And I know cuz my dad has Two of them!"
"Two of them?!" The teacher exclaimed.
"Yeah, he uses the little one to pee and the big one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

Adam and Eve were talking to God....

He told them, "I have two things remaining to separate men from women and I'm going to let you choose." He looked at Adam, "I'm going to let you choose first...the first thing is the ability to pee standing up." Adam didn't hesitate...."Yes, I want that one!" God gifted man with the ability to pee standing up and Adam quickly ran off to write his name in the sand. Then, God turned to Eve..."Well, Eve, I guess that leaves you with multiple orgasms."

I used to pee my pants every time i had to talk in front of my 3rd grade class

It really killed my teaching career.

My wife asked me if I pee in the shower

I said "occasionally "
She said "that's disgusting "
I said " hey these things happen when you're taking a shit"

1st old man says "I wish I could pee with no problems", 2nd old man says "I wish I could poop easily", 3rd old man says "I easily do both by 10am...."

".... problem is, I don't wake up til noon"

Bubba

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

Friends are like snowflakes

They dissappear when you pee on them

An eldery couple was discussing religion with their priest

*Eldery man*: [...] and you see, I get this impression that God lends me a hand every now and then.

*Priest*: Oh, well this is nice, but how can you tell?

*Eldery Man*: It's in the tiny things... Like, for instance, last night, I went to pee and when I opened the door, He turned the light on for me.

*Eldery Woman*: You pissed in the fridge... again...

I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end...

But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

Where is a tech support's bathroom located?

At their I Pee address!

Friends are like snowflakes

When you pee on them they disapear

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today...

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I almost fell in.

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One 70-year-old says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old says, "At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy.

So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.

I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

Two Italians get on a bus:

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Two Italian men get on a train...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A boy walks in on his father in the shower.

"What's that?" He asks. "This is a penis, son," his father replies. "In fact," he continues, deciding to boast: "This is the world's most perfect penis." The son then leaves.

Later, the boy is playing outside with his sister when he has to pee, so he goes over to a tree and pulls down his pants.

"What's that?" His sister asks, pointing between his legs. The boy decides to share his newfound knowledge: "This is a penis," he says eloquently. "In fact," he continues: "If it were 2 inches shorter, it would be the world's most perfect penis."

Two Friends Hiking

One day, two men were hiking on a mountainside.
"Hey, I'm gonna take a piss." says the first guy.
"Yah sure." says the second guy.
While the first guy is taking a pee, he gets bit by a venomous snake on his penis.
"Help!" screams the first guy, "I just got bit by a snake, go and get some help!"
The second guy, frantically, runs down the mountainside to get some help. He finally finds a doctor and explains to him what happened.
"It's quite simple," says the doctor, "all you have to do is suck the venom out of the bite and your friend will be fine."
The second guy runs back up to his friend.
"What did the doctor say?" the first guy asks frantically.
"Your gonna die..." says the second guy.

Two Italians enter the bus in New York...

Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."

Two Italian old men are overhead talking on a train... (long'ish) (dirty)

"First Emma cums, then I cum. Then Essa cums twice. Then, I cum again. Then Essa cums two more times again. Then, I cum again. Then comes a pee, and a pee one more time. Then I cum again at the end."

Disgusted by this, the lady behind them shouts out "Perverts!"

The Italian man stands up and responds, "Heya lady, I'ma just trying to teach my friend here howa to spell Mississippi."

A man goes up to a bartender...

A man goes up to a bartender and says, "I bet you $500 that I can pee into a shot glass on your bar while standing on that stool over there."

The bartender looks at him, looks at the stool and says with a smile, "Go for it."

So the guy gets up on the stool and proceeds to pee all over the bar while the bartender is just standing there smiling. Once the man is done and hands over the money, the bartender looks at him and asks, "Why'd you make such a stupid bet?"

The man just looks at him smiling, points over his shoulder, and says, "You see those two guys in the booth back there? I bet them each a $1000 that I could get you to smile while I piss all over your bar."

The Polite Way to Pee 

a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😢

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 

The teacher fainted...

A woman on holiday was stung by a jellyfish...

She yells to her husband and says "I was stung by a jellyfish, you need to pee on it."

The husband runs over to the jellyfish and pees on it saying "that's for stinging my wife."

Friends are like snowflakes

If you pee on them they go away

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Girls Night Out

Two women had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. As they walked home incredibly drunk, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. However, her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave, and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn 'girls night out' have to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

No More Girls' Night Out

Two wives go out for a girls' night out. Both got drunk, started walking home, and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One wife used her panties and the other wife grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning, one husband called the other and said, "No more girls' night out! My wife came home with no panties!"

The other husband replied, "You think that's bad? Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'From all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you.'"

Mario and Luigi

Peach is walking past Mario and Luigi and hears:

"First Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come, then I come a-one more time, the two asses come again, I come a the third time, pee twice, then I come for the last time"

She walks up and slaps him.

"Mario! That's disgusting!"

"What? I teach a Luigi to spell Mississippi!"

I believe it when they say Kim Jong-un doesn't pee or poop...

Why else would he be so pissed and full of shit all the time?

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

At the end of a busy night in a bar a clearly drunk man approaches the bartender. "Hey man," he says, "I'll bet you $50 I can stand at one end of the bar and pee clear to the other end." He has to clean the bar anyway, so this sounds like an easy 50 to the bartender. He agrees.

"Great! I'll be right back." The man then approaches a group of wasted guys in expensive suits and after a little bit of chatting and back slapping, he returns. He climbs onto the bar, whips it out and proceeds to pee...no more than a foot or so distance. The bartender laughs to himself, thinking he's just made fifty bucks. The drunken guy looks excited and hands him fifty. "Thanks, man," he says as he climbs off the bar. The bartender looks confused. "What are you thanking me for?" "I bet that group of bankers $500 bucks each that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't care!"

Dad joke? Dad joke.

My father, who is still pretty spry at the age of 73, has been single for about 20 years.
On a recent trip to the doctors office he requested a half-dose prescription of Viagra.
The doctor asked him, "Why only a half-dose, Jack? I wasn't aware you were seeing anyone."
He replied, "Oh, it's nothing like that, Doc. I only need to get it up far enough to pee out of the boat when I'm fishing."

A man walks up to a bartender...

and he says, "I bet you $2,000 that I can sit on your bar stool, spin around and pee nto that shot glass on the other side of the bar.". The bartender says, "Okay, lets see it.". Then the man starts and he pees all over the bar without a single drop landing in the shot glass. The bartender just laughs and then the man pays him the $2,000. The bartender then asks why he took the bet if he knew he couldn't do it. The man replies "I bet the three guys over there that I could pee all over your bar and all you would do is laugh for $10,000."

So God made Adam and Eve...

Upon their completion he spoke to them and said he had two special gifts available to them, one for each. Since Adam was made first, he allowed him to make the choice on which ability he would be granted. God said, "Adam, I can give you the ability to pee while standing upright, or.." "I'll take it!" Adam blurted out. "What an awesome ability!" Then God said, "Very well then, Eve, Adam has made his decision. You shall receive my other gift. I grant you the ability of multiple orgasms."

Proper Manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

A teacher was giving a lesson on manners while at a date.

She asked Willy, "What would you say if you need to use the restroom?" Willy responded, "I need to go pee". The teacher said, "Nice try, but it's not polite to talk about bodily functions at the table".

She then asked Billy, "What would you say, Billy?" Billy said, "I need to use the restroom". The teacher said, "That is better, but it's not polite to say you're going to the restroom."

She asked Jimmy what he would say. Jimmy said, "I would like to shake hands with someone very dear to me, whom I hope you would meet after dinner."

The doctor said I can't lift anything heavy for the next two weeks

I guess I gotta sit down to pee now

Just another Johnny joke

One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?"

"Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad.

Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."

"No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.

Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.

Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!"

Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

2 Italian men

So 2 Italian men walk into a bus after it stops. They sit behind a lady who trys not to listen to their conversation but is curious.
One says "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses dey come together. Den I come again. Two asses they come together againa. Then I come and pee twice. Then I come again."
The woman then says a loud "You foul mouthed swines! In America we don't talk about our sex lives in public!
"Hey cool down lady" the Italian said. "Imma just trying to tell my friend how to spell Mississippi!

God was just about finished creating Adam and Eve...

...and told them "Okay guys, I've got two attributes left to give you--one for each of you. I'm going to let you choose which you each want. The first is, you get to pee standing up."

Adam jumps on that one right away. God says, "are you sure? You haven't heard the second one yet!" to which Adam replies, "no, this is fantastic! It's so convenient!" He's already standing around pissing on everything in sight when God says "Okay, Eve, I guess you get the multiple orgasms!"

Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea?

He drown in his tea pee.

Two married men agree; no more ladies' nights.

On their way home from a great ladies night out, two married women have the sudden urge to tinkle. There are no restaurants or shops nearby, so the women run into a nearby cemetery and pee behind some headstones. One of the women uses her panties to wipe while the other grabs a nearby flower wreath.

The next morning, the first husband says to the second husband, "I don't know about you but no more ladies' nights! My wife came home last night without any panties on!"

The second husband replies, "No panties... you think that is bad? My wife came home with a card stuck in her butt crack from the local fire department that said 'We'll really miss you!' ".

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out

Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

Two wives go out for girls night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties."

The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!

Mississippi

Two Italian men get on a bus
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Did you hear about the native American who tried to beat the world record for drinking the most tea?

The next day he was found dead in his tea pee

My girl friend likes to FaceTime me when she's taking a pee.

I don't think that's what Steve Jons had in mind when he was talking about live streaming.

What are the funniest pee jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Pee? Well, here are the best Pee puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Pee pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes