Pee Jokes
147 pee jokes and hilarious pee puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pee that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a chuckle, check out this collection of funny pee jokes! From dog pee to small pee pee, poop and pee to defecation and more, these pee jokes are guaranteed to have you in stitches. If you're looking for some lighthearted humor, then make sure to give these peepee jokes a try!
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Funniest Pee Short Jokes
Short pee jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pee humour may include short bladder jokes also.
- Wife: Do men wipe after they pee? Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..
- Happiness is like peeing in your pants Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth
- Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
- "Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool." "But everyone pees in the pool!"
"Yes, but not from the diving board." - How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom? A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.
- I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.
- I used to pee my pants every time i had to talk in front of my 3rd grade class It really killed my teaching career.
- I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.
"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.
"But not while standing on the diving board!" - This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me She's way too overprotective of her cereal
- I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy. So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.
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Pee One Liners
Which pee one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pee? I can suggest the ones about toilet and dog pee.
- Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because they're dead
- How does The Rock pee? He Dwaynes his Johnson.
- The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool. I was so startled, I almost fell in.
- Friends are like snowflakes... If you pee on them, they'll dissapear.
- Who cares if you pee in the shower? The bride and all her guests, apparently.
- Friends are like snow when you pee on them, they disappear.
- What does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the bathroom? Nothing, the pee is silent
- What do you call crystal clear pee? 1080p
- I see, says the blind man peeing into the wind, it's all coming back to me now.
- Happiness is like peeing in your pants.... I haven't experienced it since I was eight.
- Where is a tech support's bathroom located? At their I Pee address!
- When in comes to peeing, on a scale of one to ten... You're an eight!
- What do you call first aid on a pirate ship? Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!
- Why was the number 7 covered in pee? Because 7 said to next number "Yer an 8".
- Love is like peeing yourself.... – everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.
Dog Pee Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog pee jokes and even better dog pee puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dogs and toilet I yelled my dog to stop drinking out of the toilet.
Later that day my dog yelled at me for peeing in the water bowl - What is a snowman's least favorite yoga position? Downward-facing dog pee.
- a really bad joke i made up and thought it should be shared with everyone. Q.how do dogs communicate?
A. by pee-mail - I came home today and my dog peed a little 'cause he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me.
I'm surrounded by fakes. - Two dogs are running through the desert One turns to the other and says
"if we don't find a tree soon, I'm going to pee my pants" - There unce was a dog with 3 legs He lift 1 up to take a pee and fell down
- The difference between me and my dog My dog gets a treat everytime he pees. I pee everytime I get a treat.
- My wife thinks I am like a dog. I pee myself whenever I am excited.
- I wouldn't say that I'm a dog person I just like peeing outside
- My dog won't stop peeing on my rug If he keeps this up I'm switching our flight to united
Pee Your Pants Jokes
Here is a list of funny pee your pants jokes and even better pee your pants puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Friendship... Is like peeing your pants. Everyone around you can see it but only you can feel the warmth it brings.
- I tried to convince my six year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally pee in your pants. But he's not believing it and still making fun of me.
- Kissing is like peeing your pants Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat
- A dyslexic person peeing his pants would spell certain doom. His urination spells his ruination.
- Being in love is like peeing your pants: everybody sees it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
- It's not true that if you die in your dreams, you die in real life. However, if you pee your pants in your dreams...
- Being married is like peeing in your pants... At first it's nice and hot, but then it just gets sloppy and uncomfortable.
- A little girl at school was being told off by her teacher for peeing her pants, Teacher said Daisy why didn't you put your hand up? Daisy replied I did miss. But it trickled through my fingers.
- What would happen if politicians pants caught fire whenever they lied? Nothing. They'd be back in business after peeing they're pants for getting caught cheating too.
- Hate shaking it off after peeing then putting it back in my pants still makes it dribble down my leg ... ... wish I could say a punch line but it's 40 y/o facts
Pee Wee Jokes
Here is a list of funny pee wee jokes and even better pee wee puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest? Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.
- You really can't blame Pee Wee Herman for what he did... I mean, it's not like he could just do it at home with all of his furniture watching him..
- What's Pee-wee Herman's favorite entree? Stroganoff.
- what are pee wee herman's favorite baseball teams? yanks and the expos
- All this fuss over a film being stored on DNA But when Pee Wee Herman tried to do the opposite, everybody lost their minds?
- What does Pee Wee Herman and John Wilks Booth have in common? They both got in big trouble for shooting someone in the back of the head in a theater.
- The actor who played Pee Wee Herman, Paul Reubens, has decided to start his own dry cleaning service. It's called Drop Your Pants and Jacket Off
- I'm thinking of opening a Pee-wee Herman themed juice bar. It'll be called Jambi Juice.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Pee Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about pee you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean flush jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pee pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pee f**... isn't something you do half-hearted.
Either u**... or you're out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.
He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."
My 93 year old grandfather FTW
We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know why women f**... after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.
"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."
A young boy went to church with his mother
Midway through the service, the boy loudly said "Mama, I have to pee!"
After taking him to the bathroom, his mother said "It's rude to say 'pee' in public like this. Next time in church, just say you have to 'whisper.'"
The next week, the boy went to church with his father instead. As the service ended, the boy looked up at his father and said "Daddy, I have to whisper!"
And the father said "Well, OK- just whisper in my ear."
Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.
He gets furious and turns red.
"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.
"It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee."
"Oh. That's not so bad."
"Yeah, but it's in *her* handwriting."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.
"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your f**....
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your f**... back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What kind of soup do men have after s**...?
Split pee
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is R Kelly a rapper or a r**...?
It depends how much pee is involved.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I came up with this one by myself
Are you the one who signed up for the pee drinking club because if so u**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee...
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her p**...!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy asks his mom, When I grow up will I have two p**... like daddy?
Mom: Daddy doesn't have two p**... son
Son: Sure he does! He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee one night.
Once done, one uses her p**... to wipe with and throws them away, the other uses a ribbon from a nearby wreath.
The next day one husband called the other: "My wife came home last night without any p**...!"
"That's nothing!" The other replied, "My wife had a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her p**...!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
The Polite Way to Pee
a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
two italians
Two Italians were talking on the bus. One of them says to the other, Emma comes first, then I come, then two a**... they come together, then I come again, then two a**... come together once again, then I come again, pee twice, then I come one last'a time.
Another passenger responds with, Well I never! It's extremely rude to talk about your s**... encounters in public, however extraordinary it is. You filthy, filthy Italians!
The Italian responds with hey, what'sa matter with'a you? I was only telling my friend how to spell Mississippi.
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.
One turns to the other and says, Your dinky doesn't have any skin on it.
That's because I've been circumcised, he replies.
Cor! What does that mean?
It means the skin's been cut off the end.
How old were you when they did that?
About two days old.
Did it hurt?
It sure did. I didn't walk for a year.
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further.
But the man says, Don't bother, she only runs on BP.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't know why people say that pee is stored in the b**....
I mean, there's a vas deferens between the two.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.
First man says, I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It's getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.
The second guy says, I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to p**... with no trouble. It's getting more difficult even with fruits and veggies.
Last guy says, Oh, I have no problem with that. Every morning at 8:00 I just go like the Nile. Then at 8:30 I c**... till everything's out. Now if only I could wake up before 9:00.
The Drill Sergeant
A drill sergeant runs his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on. As they stand there, exhausted, he puts his face right up to one recruit's face and says, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and pee on my grave, aren't you?"
The recruit responds, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... Training
Little Johnny was just being p**... trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull f**... back
4. Pee
5. Push f**... forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did a good job.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...
Why do pirates leave the bathroom angry?
Because after the Pee is gone, they're just Irate.
It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era.
2p or not to pee, that is the question.
My girl friend likes to FaceTime me when she's taking a pee.
I don't think that's what Steve Jons had in mind when he was talking about live streaming.
My Son's #1 Concern
When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, Do I have to drink it?
Ask me if you can join the pee club...
Do it!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't chickens pee?
Their p**...'s on the wrong end.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is relaxing at home when he hears a loud b**... on his front door. He opens the door to discover his next-door neighbor standing there looking outraged. "
What's the matter Bill?" he asks the neighbor. "I found your son's name written with pee in the snow between our houses!" he responds. "What's the big deal? He's a kid. Kids do that stuff". I'll tell you the big deal! It was in my daughter's handwriting!"
Army vs. Navy
An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.
Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.
Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'
The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. One turns to the other and says, Your dinky doesn't have any skin on it. That's because I've been circumcised, he replies. Cor! What does that mean?
It means the skin's been cut off the end. How old were you when they did that? About two days old. Did it hurt? It sure did. I didn't walk for a year.
Two patients are sitting in a waiting room.
One of the patients, who has a speech impairment, asks the other patient,
"H-h-hi t-there. W-w-what are y-you here f-f-for?"
The other replies, "I have an issue with my prostate."
"W-w-what's the p-problem?"
The other answers, "Well, the way you talk is the way I pee."
What's the most insensitive nickname you can give a person with diabetes?
Sweet Pee
I peed on the side of the bowl so that it makes no noise when I pee
And they kicked me out the restaurant immediately
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny and two p**....
Little Johnny went to school and the teacher was teaching human anatomy. She pointed to the private part of a male and asked her class if anyone knew what it was.
Little Johnny raised his hand: "I do, I do! and my daddy has two of them!" Teacher was puzzled.
"My daddy has a small one to pee with and a long one to brush my mom's teeth with!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "g**...!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man has to pee...
But he is in the middle of Central Park. He finds what he believes is an out of the way spot, unzips, and does his thing.
To his surprise, the spot he chose was not very secluded, and before he can do anything about it, a woman walks right in front of him.
She shrieks and says, "g**...!"
"Danke schoen," he replies.
A guy visiting a cemetery notices a woman hunched down behind a grave.
"Morning", he says respectfully.
"I'm not," she replies, "I'm just having a pee."
Apparently it's no longer OK to urinate in the ocean.
I'm told it's not pee sea.
I don't like drug tests...
They're not my cup of pee.
I asked my husband: How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee? He replied...
...It's hard
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After s**..., I pee like a pro basketball player!
Lots of dribbling.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do a cheap robot and a high class p**... have in common
They both stop working for you after you pee on them.
When you really have to pee, your Russian to the bathroom, when you walk out, you're Finnish, so what are you while you're inside?
European!
This was one of my dad's jokes
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Italian men are having a lively talk on a bus...
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two a**... come together. I come once-a-more. Two a**..., they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."
A church lady behind them is crimson red and beside herself. "You two need Jesus! How dare you say such shameless filth? We don't talk about our s**... lives in public in this country!"
"Hey, relaxa, missa! Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
I'd have to say, on a scale from 1 to Pee...
urinate
I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.
He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When you really have to pee and there's no bathroom in sight...
u**... trouble.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his s**... white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...
He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."
"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"
The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."
What do you call a man with magical pee?
A wizzard
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't want to say my s**... life is bad but...
...the only time my wife and i mix body fluids is if she doesn't flush before I pee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the kid say when he saw the invisible man pee?
u**... visible!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again, he says.
The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. You missed the best act, says his friend. While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and p**... into the orchestra pit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you catch an elephant?
First, you'll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.
*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*
Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands
A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mate lets his dog drink beer with us every time we stay over.
One time the dog had about 4 or 5 bottles of the stuff in one evening.
I woke up the next morning in his flat to go for a pee and saw the dog lying awkwardly in his basket looking a bit worse for wear. Hung-over, I'm sure.
I said How you feeling buddy?! mid-p**... and to my surprise he responded with just the word: Rough
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happens when you accidentally pee on a police car?
u**... trouble
A kid asks, "Grandpa, do you pee pee standing up, or sitting down?"
Grandpa answers "Depends."
Today I was out with my wife walking through a snowy woods…
… I have pointed out to her that there are deer tracks here; then rabbit tracks over there. And then excitedly I said, oooohhh those are Dikfur tracks.
She asked me, What's a Dikfur?
Of course I replied, To pee with, of course!
She groaned.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Free Organic Pathologist Test
Go upto a tree and take a leak:
* If pee attracts ants, you've got diabetes.
* If it dries fast, your sodium is high.
* If it smells like meat, your cholesterol is high.
* If you forgot to unzip, it's Alzheimer's.
* If you missed the tree, Parkinson's.
* If you peed on your shoes, enlarged prostate.
* If you can't smell it, COVID 19.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(Dad Joke) You know the best way to catch a polar bear, right?
First, you could have giant hole in the ice at least 20 foot around. Then you take several bags of frozen peas and open them up and spread them all around the whole nice and even.
Then, when the bear comes up to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.
What's worse than waking up to pee 30 minutes before your alarm goes off?
Not waking up to pee.
