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Pee Jokes

152 pee jokes and hilarious pee puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pee that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

If you're looking for a chuckle, check out this collection of funny pee jokes! From dog pee to small pee pee, poop and pee to defecation and more, these pee jokes are guaranteed to have you in stitches. If you're looking for some lighthearted humor, then make sure to give these peepee jokes a try!

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Funniest Pee Short Jokes

Short pee jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pee humour may include short bladder jokes also.

  1. Wife: Do men wipe after they pee? Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..
  2. Happiness is like peeing in your pants Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth
  3. Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
  4. Everyone pees in the pool... But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.
  5. "Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool." "But everyone pees in the pool!"
    "Yes, but not from the diving board."
  6. How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom? A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.
  7. I was trying to be a gentleman And hold the door open for ladies.
    But they kept screaming " get out, I'm peeing in here!"
  8. From my 8 year old son Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Answer: Cause the Pee is silent
  9. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet? Because the pee is silent.
    With thanks to my seven year old son.
  10. I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

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Pee One Liners

Which pee one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pee? I can suggest the ones about toilet and dog pee.

  1. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because they're dead
  2. How does The Rock pee? He Dwaynes his Johnson.
  3. The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool. I was so startled, I almost fell in.
  4. Got caught peeing in the pool The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
  5. I once got yelled at for peeing in a pool Scared me so much I almost fell in.
  6. Friends are like snowflakes... If you pee on them, they'll dissapear.
  7. Who cares if you pee in the shower? The bride and all her guests, apparently.
  8. I got caught peeing in a pool today. The lifeguard yelled so loud, I almost fell in!
  9. Friends are like snow when you pee on them, they disappear.
  10. What does it sound like when a pterodactyl uses the bathroom? Nothing, the pee is silent
  11. What do you call crystal clear pee? 1080p
  12. I see, says the blind man peeing into the wind, it's all coming back to me now.
  13. Happiness is like peeing in your pants.... I haven't experienced it since I was eight.
  14. Where is a tech support's bathroom located? At their I Pee address!
  15. When in comes to peeing, on a scale of one to ten... You're an eight!

Dog Pee Jokes

Here is a list of funny dog pee jokes and even better dog pee puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Dogs and toilet I yelled my dog to stop drinking out of the toilet.
    Later that day my dog yelled at me for peeing in the water bowl
  • What is a snowman's least favorite yoga position? Downward-facing dog pee.
  • a really bad joke i made up and thought it should be shared with everyone. Q.how do dogs communicate?
    A. by pee-mail
  • I came home today and my dog peed a little 'cause he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me.
    I'm surrounded by fakes.
  • Two dogs are running through the desert One turns to the other and says
    "if we don't find a tree soon, I'm going to pee my pants"
  • There unce was a dog with 3 legs He lift 1 up to take a pee and fell down
  • What do you call it when a communist dog pee? It Karl marks it's territory
  • The difference between me and my dog My dog gets a treat everytime he pees. I pee everytime I get a treat.
  • My wife thinks I am like a dog. I pee myself whenever I am excited.
  • I wouldn't say that I'm a dog person I just like peeing outside

Pee Your Pants Jokes

Here is a list of funny pee your pants jokes and even better pee your pants puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I used to pee my pants every time i had to talk in front of my 3rd grade class It really killed my teaching career.
  • Friendship... Is like peeing your pants. Everyone around you can see it but only you can feel the warmth it brings.
  • I tried to convince my six year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally pee in your pants. But he's not believing it and still making fun of me.
  • Kissing is like peeing your pants Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat
  • Having a good friend is just like peeing your pants. Everybody can see it but only you feel that warm sensation of happiness.
  • I tried to teach my son that it's normal to pee in your pants. But he still teases me about it.
  • A dyslexic person peeing his pants would spell certain doom. His urination spells his ruination.
  • Being in love is like peeing your pants: everybody sees it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
  • It's not true that if you die in your dreams, you die in real life. However, if you pee your pants in your dreams...
  • Being married is like peeing in your pants... At first it's nice and hot, but then it just gets sloppy and uncomfortable.

Pee Wee Jokes

Here is a list of funny pee wee jokes and even better pee wee puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest? Experts say it's because he was a master baiter.
  • You really can't blame Pee Wee Herman for what he did... I mean, it's not like he could just do it at home with all of his furniture watching him..
  • What's Pee-wee Herman's favorite entree? Stroganoff.
  • what are pee wee herman's favorite baseball teams? yanks and the expos
  • All this fuss over a film being stored on DNA But when Pee Wee Herman tried to do the opposite, everybody lost their minds?
  • Name two people shot in the back of the head in a theatre. Abe Lincoln and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.
  • What does Pee Wee Herman and John Wilks Booth have in common? They both got in big trouble for shooting someone in the back of the head in a theater.
  • The actor who played Pee Wee Herman, Paul Reubens, has decided to start his own dry cleaning service. It's called Drop Your Pants and Jacket Off
  • I'm thinking of opening a Pee-wee Herman themed juice bar. It'll be called Jambi Juice.
  • How did Pee Wee Herman win the Bass Fishing Championship? He was a master baiter.

Pee Wee Herman Jokes

Here is a list of funny pee wee herman jokes and even better pee wee herman puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In 1991, Pee Wee Herman was arrested for m**... in a movie theater. What a lot of people do not realize is that he represented himself in court, believing he could get himself off.
  • Another s**... assault allegation against Pee-wee Herman, he apparently s**... assaulted Anthony w**... in a movie theater.
  • What did Pee-Wee Herman say to parents who accused him of being a child m**...? I know you are, but what am I?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about pee can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of pee puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Pee Jokes with Friends.

What funny jokes about pee you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean poo jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make pee prank.

A pee f**... isn't something you do half-hearted.

Either u**... or you're out.

One day, the President finds a n**... message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.
"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"The u**... belongs to the Vice President."
"What could possibly be worse than that?"
"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."
All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.
"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

Do you know why women f**... after they pee?

They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

A young boy went to church with his mother

Midway through the service, the boy loudly said "Mama, I have to pee!"
After taking him to the bathroom, his mother said "It's rude to say 'pee' in public like this. Next time in church, just say you have to 'whisper.'"
The next week, the boy went to church with his father instead. As the service ended, the boy looked up at his father and said "Daddy, I have to whisper!"
And the father said "Well, OK- just whisper in my ear."

Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.

He gets furious and turns red.
"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.
"It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee."
"Oh. That's not so bad."
"Yeah, but it's in *her* handwriting."

A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.
1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your f**....
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your f**... back.
5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4".

What kind of soup do men have after s**...?

Split pee

Is R Kelly a rapper or a r**...?

It depends how much pee is involved.

I came up with this one by myself

Are you the one who signed up for the pee drinking club because if so u**...

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee...

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her p**...!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

A boy asks his mom, When I grow up will I have two p**... like daddy?

Mom: Daddy doesn't have two p**... son
Son: Sure he does! He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth!

Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee one night.

Once done, one uses her p**... to wipe with and throws them away, the other uses a ribbon from a nearby wreath.
The next day one husband called the other: "My wife came home last night without any p**...!"
"That's nothing!" The other replied, "My wife had a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

Two boys sitting to pee

Two five year old boys are sitting at the p**... to pee.
When one says, " Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
" I've been circumcised." Says the second boy.
" What does that mean?"
"It means they cut the protective skin skin off the end."
" How old were you when it was cut off?"
" My mom said that I was two days old."
" Did it hurt?"
" You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a whole year!"

Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her p**...!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

The Polite Way to Pee 

a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 
The teacher fainted...

two italians

Two Italians were talking on the bus. One of them says to the other, Emma comes first, then I come, then two a**... they come together, then I come again, then two a**... come together once again, then I come again, pee twice, then I come one last'a time.
Another passenger responds with, Well I never! It's extremely rude to talk about your s**... encounters in public, however extraordinary it is. You filthy, filthy Italians!
The Italian responds with hey, what'sa matter with'a you? I was only telling my friend how to spell Mississippi.

Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.

One turns to the other and says, Your dinky doesn't have any skin on it.
That's because I've been circumcised, he replies.
Cor! What does that mean?
It means the skin's been cut off the end.
How old were you when they did that?
About two days old.
Did it hurt?
It sure did. I didn't walk for a year.

A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.

On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further.
But the man says, Don't bother, she only runs on BP.

I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end...

But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today...

The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I almost fell in.

This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal

I don't know why people say that pee is stored in the b**....

I mean, there's a vas deferens between the two.

3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.

First man says, I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It's getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.
The second guy says, I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to p**... with no trouble. It's getting more difficult even with fruits and veggies.
Last guy says, Oh, I have no problem with that. Every morning at 8:00 I just go like the Nile. Then at 8:30 I c**... till everything's out. Now if only I could wake up before 9:00.

I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy.

So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.

A woman on holiday was stung by a jellyfish...

She yells to her husband and says "I was stung by a jellyfish, you need to pee on it."
The husband runs over to the jellyfish and pees on it saying "that's for stinging my wife."

What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!

The Drill Sergeant

A drill sergeant runs his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on. As they stand there, exhausted, he puts his face right up to one recruit's face and says, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and pee on my grave, aren't you?"
The recruit responds, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again."

Two wives go out for girls night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her p**... the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no p**...."
The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!

p**... Training

Little Johnny was just being p**... trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull f**... back
4. Pee
5. Push f**... forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did a good job.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea?

He drown in his tea pee.

Why do pirates leave the bathroom angry?

Because after the Pee is gone, they're just Irate.

The doctor said I can't lift anything heavy for the next two weeks

I guess I gotta sit down to pee now

Why was the number 7 covered in pee?

Because 7 said to next number "Yer an 8".

Did you hear about the native American who tried to beat the world record for drinking the most tea?

The next day he was found dead in his tea pee

It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era.

2p or not to pee, that is the question.

My girl friend likes to FaceTime me when she's taking a pee.

I don't think that's what Steve Jons had in mind when he was talking about live streaming.

My Son's #1 Concern

When my three-year-old was told 
to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With 
a shaking voice, he asked, Do I have to drink it?

Ask me if you can join the pee club...

Do it!

Why can't chickens pee?

Their p**...'s on the wrong end.

A guy is relaxing at home when he hears a loud b**... on his front door. He opens the door to discover his next-door neighbor standing there looking outraged. "

What's the matter Bill?" he asks the neighbor. "I found your son's name written with pee in the snow between our houses!" he responds. "What's the big deal? He's a kid. Kids do that stuff". I'll tell you the big deal! It was in my daughter's handwriting!"

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.
Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.
Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'
The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

What sort of soup do men make most often after s**...?

Split pee soup.
(I made it up. I'm sorry.)

Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.

Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. One turns to the other and says, Your dinky doesn't have any skin on it. That's because I've been circumcised, he replies. Cor! What does that mean?
It means the skin's been cut off the end. How old were you when they did that? About two days old. Did it hurt? It sure did. I didn't walk for a year.

Two patients are sitting in a waiting room.

One of the patients, who has a speech impairment, asks the other patient,
"H-h-hi t-there. W-w-what are y-you here f-f-for?"
The other replies, "I have an issue with my prostate."
"W-w-what's the p-problem?"
The other answers, "Well, the way you talk is the way I pee."

What's the most insensitive nickname you can give a person with diabetes?

Sweet Pee

I peed on the side of the bowl so that it makes no noise when I pee

And they kicked me out the restaurant immediately

Little Johnny and two p**....

Little Johnny went to school and the teacher was teaching human anatomy. She pointed to the private part of a male and asked her class if anyone knew what it was.
Little Johnny raised his hand: "I do, I do! and my daddy has two of them!" Teacher was puzzled.
"My daddy has a small one to pee with and a long one to brush my mom's teeth with!"

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.

A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "g**...!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"

A man has to pee...

But he is in the middle of Central Park. He finds what he believes is an out of the way spot, unzips, and does his thing.
To his surprise, the spot he chose was not very secluded, and before he can do anything about it, a woman walks right in front of him.
She shrieks and says, "g**...!"
"Danke schoen," he replies.

A guy visiting a cemetery notices a woman hunched down behind a grave.

"Morning", he says respectfully.
"I'm not," she replies, "I'm just having a pee."

Apparently it's no longer OK to urinate in the ocean.

I'm told it's not pee sea.

I don't like drug tests...

They're not my cup of pee.

I asked my husband: How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee? He replied...

...It's hard

I took my kids to the local pool the other day..

We were down the shallow end when I had the sudden urge to pee. I slowly and inconspicuously made my way up to the deep end to relieve myself. As I'm about halfway through the lifeguard noticed what I was doing. He blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

After s**..., I pee like a pro basketball player!

Lots of dribbling.

What do a cheap robot and a high class p**... have in common

They both stop working for you after you pee on them.

When you really have to pee, your Russian to the bathroom, when you walk out, you're Finnish, so what are you while you're inside?

European!
This was one of my dad's jokes

Two Italian men are having a lively talk on a bus...

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two a**... come together. I come once-a-more. Two a**..., they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."
A church lady behind them is crimson red and beside herself. "You two need Jesus! How dare you say such shameless filth? We don't talk about our s**... lives in public in this country!"
"Hey, relaxa, missa! Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I'd have to say, on a scale from 1 to Pee...

urinate

I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.

He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.

Where is the bathroom for I.T people located?

At the I pee address.

When you really have to pee and there's no bathroom in sight...

u**... trouble.

My doctor told me I can no longer stand when I pee and need to sit down.

He said I'm not allowed to lift anything heavy.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom?

Because the pee is silent

jokes about pee

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these pee jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.