Peas Jokes
138 peas jokes and hilarious peas puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about peas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a bit of humor? Check out our collection of hilarious peas jokes! Learn why mushy peas should stay in the can, why frozen peas have no rhythm, and more! Move beyond the classic "peas and carrots" jokes to explore the funnier side of garbanzo beans, potatoes, and edamame.
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Funniest Peas Short Jokes
Short peas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The peas humour may include short pea soup jokes also.
- Before chris brown did a concert with them, they were just known as "The Peas". And now they are The ......... Peas
- What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? Nobody pays to have a garbanzo bean on their face.
- We just got home from karaoke. My wife tried to sing with a mouth full of chick peas I told her to hummus a tune
- Thought of this whilst snacking. If one chick pea kills another chick pea... Is that considered Humuscide?
- My all time favorite: How do you catch a polar bear? You cut a hole in the ice and line it with frozen peas. Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
- What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas? Black eyed peas can sing us a song, Chickpeas can only hummus one!
- Whats the difference between a chick pea and a garbonzo bean? Donald Trump wouldn't let a russian garbonzo bean on his face.
- How to catch an elephant Dig a big hole
Fill it with ashes
Sprinkle peas on top
When the elephant goes to take a pea, kick it in the ash hole. - What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? Nobody's ever paid money to have a lentil on their face.
- What is the difference between a lentil and chick pea? No one pays $300 to have a lentil on their chest.
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Peas One Liners
Which peas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with peas? I can suggest the ones about green pea and beans.
- Why do green beans meditate? To find inner peas!
- What is the difference between mash potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes.
- The dumplings went on a date and said it was pea-perfect.
- What did the religous carrot say to the cabbage? Peas be with you.
- What award did the deceased chick pea receive? A posthummus award
- Whats a pacifist favorite food? Peas
- Why did John Lennon become a vegetarian? He wanted to give peas a chance.
- What are peas attracted to? Chickpeas
- What do you call a pea that falls off your plate? An Esca-pea!
- Person who created 'Autocorrect' died..... May his sole restaurant in peas..
- What's the difference between a baked potato and pea soup? Anyone can bake a potato.
- How do you make a blueberry? You strangle a pea.
- The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song But the Chick Peas can only hummus one
- What do you call an angry pea? A Grump-pea.
- What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anybody can mash potatoes...
Frozen Peas Jokes
Here is a list of funny frozen peas jokes and even better frozen peas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said 'you can't really go wrong with Frozen stuff'. So I got her a bag of peas.
- How to catch an elephant Dig a hole big enough for an elephant. Fill it with loose ash and cover it with frozen peas as bait. Then when he comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole.
- My daughter asks for Frozen stuff for Christmas, so i bought her frozen chips and a packet of peas
- What should I buy for dinner? I see frozen peas are cool this time of year.
..you might say that's a corny joke, but it's really not. It's a pea joke. - All these movie tie-ins are getting on my nerves. This morning in the supermarket they had "Frozen" peas...
- How do you trap a polar bear? 1. Cut a large hole in some ice.
2. Place some frozen peas around the hole.
3. When the polar bear stops to take a pea, run up and kick him in the ice hole. - How do you catch a bear? You dig a hole, and fill it up with ashes. Then you line up frozen peas around the hole.
And when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. - A man was found pouring dozens of bags of frozen peas into the grave of his dead wife. He wanted her to rest in peas.
- I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen". So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.
- My Uncle to my sisters: I bet I can turn you into men with this bag of frozen peas Hands the bag to them: see? Now you're both pea-nieces!
Peas And Carrots Jokes
Here is a list of funny peas and carrots jokes and even better peas and carrots puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man goes to see the doctor. He has a carrot in his ear, a stick of celery up his nose and mash potato and peas in his hair.
Doctor says "You not eating right." - From a conversation at the the Thanksgiving table about the turkeys Trump pardoned Why did John Lennon hate carrots?
Because he wanted to give peas a chance.
Mushy Peas Jokes
Here is a list of funny mushy peas jokes and even better mushy peas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I had a dog once... I had him with chips and mushy peas
Hilarious Peas Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about peas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chickpea jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make peas pranks.
I just came from a domestic violence awareness concert...
...headlined by the Black Eyed Peas
What's a h**...'s favorite vegetable?
Her peas
[Got this from a comedian at The Improv last night. Forgot his name.]
How do you capture a polar bear?
1. Dig a hole in the ice.
2. Place a bunch of peas around the hole
3. When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
The Mathematician and the Waiter
A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -
'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.
'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'
How do you catch a polar bear?
First you dig a hole in the ice, about 8 feet deep and about 6 feet wide.
Second you open a can of peas and place the peas around the perimeter of the ice hole.
Then you hide and wait. When the polar bear stops to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
How To Catch a Polar Bear
First, go to the grocery store, and buy some peas. Doesn't matter if they're frozen, or canned, or whatever, just get some peas. Bring those peas to the Arctic, where the polar bears live. Then find a large-ish hole in the ice. It should be big enough to fit a couple people in. Put some peas in front of the hole, and hide. Now when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole!
How does John Lennon get his kids to eat their vegetables?
He tells them to "Give Peas a Chance"
A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose.
He has a stalk of celery in the other nostril and peas in his ears. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." The doctor says, "Well, you're not eating right."
How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a big hole in the ice and line the edge with green peas.
When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole!
A woman stole some food from a store...
...and she was caught shoplifting. When she went to court, the judge asked her, "What exactly did you steal?" The woman admitted that she took a can of pears. "How many pears were in the can?" asked the judge. "There were six pears, Your Honor." she replied. "To be fair, then, you must go to jail for six days."
The woman's husband, who hated her, piped up and said, "Your Honor! She stole a can of peas too!"
Chick Peas
and everyone wants to watch.
What would Gregor Mendel pray for if he had a blender for his experiments?
Whirled Peas
To catch an elephant (my favourite joke when I was a kid):
First off, you're going to need to dig an elephant-sized hole.
Next, fill the hole with wood and set it ablaze.
When the fire dies down to ashes, surround the hole with peas (elephants love peas).
Wait for an elephant to come take a pea.
Then kick it in the ash hole.
How to trap a Bear.
1.) Dig a Hole.
2.) Put Peas around the Hole.
3.) Put ashes inside the Hole.
4.) When the Bear comes to take a Pea Kick him in the ash hole.
How do you catch a bear?
You first dig a hole. Then fill it up with ash from your fireplace. Since bears love peas grab a frozen bag from the store and surround the hole with frozen peas then wait. When the bear comes around and bends down to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
How to catch a polar bear (a joke by my grandpa)
To catch a polar bear you first need to dig a hole in the ice. Then take a can of peas and sprinkle them in the hole. Next you wait for a polar bear to walk by and kick him in the ice hole.
I think we should solve world hunger.
You might say I'm a strong believer in world peas.
^I'll ^see ^myself ^out...
A woman was before a Judge for steeling a can of peaches.
**Judge:** "How many peaches were in the tin?"
**Woman:** "4 your honour."
**Judge:** "Very well you will serve a month in prison for each peach inside that tin."
From the back of the courtroom the woman's husband chimes up
**Husband:** "She stole a can of peas too."
What side dishes did Jesus eat at the last supper?
Peas and hominy.
What do you a call a peas t**...?
Peanuts
just do it
judge: what was it you stole?
woman: a box of peaches.
judge: how many peaches in it?
5 responded the woman.
judge: you get 5 days of prison time. a day for each peach.
husband jumps out of nowhere and says: she also stole a can of peas.
How to catch a polar bear
Needed tools: one can of Jolly Green Giant Green Peas and an ice saw.
Step one: cut a polar bear sized hole in the ice
Step two: drain the juice from the peas and place them one at a time all the way around the hole you just cut in the ice.
Step three: when the polar bear come along to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
How to catch a bear
Note: Best when told aloud
First you have to go some place cold, where bears live. Find an ice lake and make a big hole in it, deep enough to where a bear could not escape. Then you go to the store and buy some frozen peas. Scatter the peas all around the hole and then hide near the hole. Now you just wait until a bear comes to take a pea and you kick him in the ice hole.
Clean: How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice, place a bunch of peas in that hole, and when a polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him right in the ice hole.
What do peasants do in their spare time?
They serf
A young buzzard is bringing his new boyfriend home...
He turns to his dad and says "So, what are we having for dinner?"
The father bird clears his t**....
"Carrion, my gay bird son. There'll be peas when you are done."
What did Dave Mustaine say to the grocery store cashier?
"Can you put a price on peas?"
How do you catch a polar bear with a shovel and a can of peas?
Dig a hole in the ice. Put peas all around the hole and wait.
When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.
What kind of vegetable do you never want a girl to give you?
Her peas.
How do you catch an elephant?
You dig a pit, fill it with ash, and surround it with peas. When the elephant comes to take a pea, you sneak up behind him and kick him in the ash hole.
How to catch a polar bear
First, you dig a hole in the ice,
then you sprinkle peas around the hole
When a polar bear bends down to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole!
How to catch a bear
First, you dig a big hole in the ground out in the woods and you fill it to the top with ash.
Second, place fresh peas all around the hole.
Then when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
What did John Lennon's mother say to get him to eat his vegetables?
"Come on John, give peas a chance."
Guy takes a h**... out for supper.
He giver her his peas, she gives him h**....
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
A peasant had some issues with the school's teaching practices being "nonsensical".
The king told him to take it up with the minstrel of education.
Did you know that before WWII, h**... and Stalin took cooking classes together?
They were learning how to make peas with their enemies.
How to catch a bear...
1st - Dig a huge hole and fill it with wood
2nd - Light the wood on fire and burn it until there is nothing but ashes
3rd - Place peas all around the outside of the hole
Now, when the bear bends over to take a pea, you kick him right in the ash hole.
An elderly woman appears in court for stealing
A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor."
"Very well then. 6 days in detention for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole a can of peas!!"
Why should you never eat Jolly Green Giant vegetables?
Because he always stands over the corn and peas.
h**... h**... h**.......
How do you catch a polar bear?
Go to the arctic, take a can of peas.
When you get there, cut a hole in the ice and place peas all around the edge of it.
When the polar bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
How do you catch an elephant?
First, you dig a hole and let a fire burn out in it. Then, you put peas all around it. When the elephant comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
Compliments of my deceased grandfather for telling me this joke when I was a kid.
Dinner Date Fail...
Had a date with a beautiful woman last night, but she abruptly stormed off when I informed our server that he had given me her peas.
What do you call a person who's s**... attracted to chic peas and tahini?
A hummus-s**...
Why did the suicidal kid cover his bed in legumes?
So he could rest in peas.
A woman gets called to court for shoplifting...
The judge asks, "So, you stole something from the grocery store?"
"Yes," the woman says.
"And what did you steal?"
"A can of peaches, Your Honor," the woman replies.
"And how many peaches were in the can?" the judge asks.
"Six," the woman replies.
"Alright. Then I think it is just your sentence be six days in jail," the judge declares.
"...Uh, Your Honor?" the woman's husband says.
"Yes?"
"I think she stole a can of peas as well."
Why do vegetarians go to the library?
To get some peas and quiet.
How do you catch a polar bear using a can of peas?
First you cut a hole in the ice.
Then you place the peas all around the hole and hide.
And when the polar bear walks up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole.
A mother takes her crying baby to the hospital.....
The doctor gets out his little exam light and ends up pulling a Lima bean out of the kids left ear, a baby carrot out of one nostril, a Skittle and two peas out of the other nostril and a hunk of pear out of the kids' right ear.
The mom cringes as she watches all of this, then asks the doctor what's wrong with the kid.
The doctor shrugs a bit and says, "I'm not sure yet, but for one thing, he certainly isn't eating right."
A man was in a court after being caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
The judge asked him, "How many peaches were in the can you stole?"
The man replied, "Five".
The judge gave him his sentence, "You will have five weeks in prison, one for each peach in the can".
The wife of the man, who was present in the court room, raised her hand and said, " Your Honour, he also stole a can of peas!"
How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice, and surround it with peas. When he goes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.
How do you catch a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice, put a can of peas down and whenever a polar bear goes for a pea, kick him in the icehole.
The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.
Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable e**....
His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly
When did people finally begin to appreciate chick peas?
Posthummusly
What's the most dangerous Caribbean food?
Ricin peas.
How do you catch an elephant?
First you dig a big hole and fill it with ashes. Next you put peas around the hole. When it comes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.
How do you catch a polar bear?
How do you catch a polar bear?
First you have to cut a big hole in the ice.
Then you open a can of green peas and put the peas around the hole.
Finally, when the bear comes to take a pea - you kick it in the pea hole!
A man took a h**... out for dinner.
He gives her his peas, and she gave him her peas.
How to catch a polar bear
This is the first joke I ever told my grandpa(I was so little I don't even remember it) but he told everyone he could about it up to the day he passed.
Do you know how to catch a polar bear grandpa?
No I don't short-stuff, how do you catch one?
You cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas, and when the polar bear goes to take a pea.
you kick him in the ice-hole.
He passed away 15 years ago this month and I still smile whenever I remember this joke.
What do you call a pie with a can of peas in it?
Pea-can pie.
(Dad Joke) You know the best way to catch a polar bear, right?
First, you could have giant hole in the ice at least 20 foot around. Then you take several bags of frozen peas and open them up and spread them all around the whole nice and even.
Then, when the bear comes up to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.
What award did Gregor Mendel receive for his work in the field of Genetics?
The Nobel Peas Prize.
I caught Buzz Lightyear m**... in my freezer.
He said I come in peas.
How to catch a bear...
Dig a giant hole...fill it with ash and put peas around it. Then when the bear goes to take a pea..kick him in the ash hole.
Guy takes a gal to his place for dinner the other day...
...he gives her his peas and she gives him h**...
Why doesn't John want h**...?
Because he has his own peas.
Man walks into a library
... says to the librarian in a loud voice, 'please can I have fish chips and mushy peas twice'. The librarian says 'this is a library'. The man apologies and whispers 'sorry, Please can I have fish chips and mushy pease twice'.
A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....
The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?
She replied "four, your honour".
The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.
Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of peas too".....
Apparently my dinner date doesn't like vegetables....
She gave me her peas...
A man takes a h**... out to dinner. He gives her his peas
She gives him h**...
Did you hear about the book of poetry that the Black Eyed Peas are publishing?
It's written in Will.I.Ambic Pentameter
My mom told me: Finish your peas, there're starving kids in China
I said: Oh yeah? Name 10
