Pearly Jokes
104 pearly jokes and hilarious pearly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pearly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Enjoy a collection of hilarious pearly jokes about the gates of Heaven which will fill your day with laughter. Feel the warmly blue glisten of the gates and their angelic cheer.
Funniest Pearly Short Jokes
Short pearly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pearly humour may include short pearl necklace jokes also.
- Gave my daughter an apple for breakfast this morning 🍎 She said she only likes pears!
So I gave her another apple. 🍎🍎 - Coolio died today. He was shocked when he got to the Pearly Gates and realized It was indeed an Amish paradise.
- I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear... "What's this for? he asked.
I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you." - A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore... I told him to grow a pear.
- My dad always thought I wasn't man enough to become a fruit farmer... ... I proved him wrong by growing a pear.
- I owe my success as a fruit farmer to my dear dad. Whenever I felt scared as a kid, he always told me to grow a pear
- Grant Imahara walks up to the pearly gates... As he looks around, confused, a booming voice speaks to him across the clouds...
...Myth confirmed. - Fruitiphile You've got to be careful if you find one fruitiphile, because they normally come in pears
- My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is. So I told him to just grow a pear.
- What did the farmer do to prove he's tough? Grew a pear.
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Pearly One Liners
Which pearly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pearly? I can suggest the ones about sparkling and precious.
- My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one.
- I told my neighbor I was too scared to grow an apple tree. He said grow a pear.
- Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify should just grow a pear.
- A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates. [cr
- Scared of eating genetically modified fruit? Grow a pear.
- I used to weep over my poor apple harvest. Then I grew a pear.
- Seems like there is always more than one fruit fetishist... They come in pears.
- I tried to put two apples together But then I got a pear
- Why are fruit rapists seldom found alone? They come in pears
- When is an Iphone not an Apple? When there's two of them. Then it's a pear.
- I know you can't compare apples to oranges... ...but two apples do make a pear.
- What do you call two apples next to each other? A pear.
- I used to be terrified of gardening.. Until I grew a pear.
- What type of fruit do twins prefer? Pears.
- My friend told me he wanted to plant an orchard. I told him to grow a pear.
Pearly Gates Jokes
Here is a list of funny pearly gates jokes and even better pearly gates puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Steve jobs goes to Heaven.. .. As he steps up to the pearly gates, St. Peter looks at him with a frown on his face, points downwards and says: You know how we feel about Apples up here.
- A blonde, a brunette and a red head are standing at the pearly gates. I don't believe this to be possible. I'm an atheist.
- A man walks up to the pearly gates Saint Peter asks, "How did you get here?"
The mans answers, "Flu." - Imagine that you reach the pearly gates after you die.. and St. Peters begins by asking you "so, how was heaven?"
- Why is the founder of Comcast going to purgatory? He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter said was, "Please hold. Your soul is very important to us."
- A psychologist walking the stairway to heaven arrives at the pearly gates ... Says: You should write a book
- What did Avicii say when he reached the pearly gates? Wake me up when it's all over!
Comical Pearly Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about pearly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean porcelain jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pearly pranks.
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Clocks in Heaven
A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.
She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 18:30.
She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one, however. Finally she gives up. "Where is Mitt Romney's clock!?"
"In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."
The Zebra in Heaven.
My mom told me this awhile back, it made me laugh so I thought I would share.
A zebra had died and when he got to the pearly white gates of heaven, he was greeted by Saint Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven." said Saint peter.
"Wow, so this is Heaven huh? Its beautiful!" said the zebra.
"Yes it is, now enter and live the rest of your life happy." Peter told him.
"Well before I go Saint Pete, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
"Hhhmmm, I honestly am not sure, that is a question for God himself to answer, why don't you go ask him." Peter said.
"Alright." Said the Zebra.
So the Zebra goes to the Lord and ask,
"God am I a white horse with black strips or a black horse with white stripes?"
"You are what you are." God answered.
The Zebra more confused now then ever goes back to saint peter.
"Well, what did he say?" asked Peter.
"He told me, I am what I am?"
"Oh, that's an easy one, you're a white horse with black stripes!" Peter told him.
" How do you figure that?" The Zebra asked.
" Because" Peter said "If you were a black horse with white stripes he would have said, You is what you is."
Three nuns at the pearly gates with St. Peter.
St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."
The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."
The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."
The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.
St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest p**... suit."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."
A preacher and a NYC taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates...
Saint Peter takes the NY taxi driver first. Giving him a golden cloak, a mahogany staff, and lead him to the nicest part of Heaven. The preacher smirked to himself thinking he was in for an even better afterlife, for after all, the other guy was just a taxi driver. When Saint Peter handed him a silver cloak, an oak staff and lead him to a decent part of heaven, the preacher protested insisting there must be a mistake.
The preacher asked why the taxi driver would get a better reward than himself even though he had preached for decades and had devoted his entire life to God. Saint Peter replied that one's place in Heaven was determined based on merit, particularly on how many people one brought closer to God during his lifetime.
The preacher protested, "Merit? MERIT! I headed a congregation of 70+ people for years! I preached my heart out. What did he do?" Saint Peter replied "true, but while you preached, people snored; while he drove... people PRAYED!"
A priest and a math teacher...
die and go to heaven at the same time. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and then shows them to their accommodations. He brings the math teacher to a luxurious mansion, with a hedge maze, marble columns, and a fountain. The priest thinks to himself, "If the math teacher gets this, imagine what I might get!" So he follows St. Peter past a row of large houses, a row of suburban houses, a row of small houses, a row of houses for rent, a row of apartment complexes, and all the way to a row of tree-houses. St. Peter shows the priest to a small tree-house. The priest is baffled, and says, "WHAT!? The math teacher got a MANSION!"
St. Peter replies, "We grant houses based on the amount of people you get to pray, and the math teacher got more people to pray then you ever did."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men died on Christmas Eve...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".
If Only You Had Looked
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."
Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...
...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."
The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.
The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.
The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So an engaged couple die in a car c**......
A very tragic occasion merely a week before their wedding, they were sorely missed by their family. Shortly after their deaths, they meed St. Peter, guarding the pearly entrance to heaven. They were both good people, led fulfilling lives, and so he has no problem letting them in to heaven, and even states that they are free to live together in heaven, encouraging them to get married. After a few days of life there, free of their earthly problems, they decide they want to take up the offer and seal the bond. They have several days of happiness, have great s**..., and love each-others company. However after a few days, they get kinda bored, and decide to ask St. Peter for a new TV. Peter grants them their wish, telling them:
"This is Heaven, you can have whatever you want!"
So they watch their new TV happily together for several days, until they find that they, once again are bored. They decide on sports, and return to St. Peter. They tell him they want to get basketball lessons. He agrees, and after searching for several days, finds a basketball player to teach them to play. They have tons of fun playing basketball together for a while, until they get bored and realize that they just arent for each other. They return to St. Peter with the request to get divorced. He says
"Gee, thats kinda tough. It was hard enough finding a basketball player, I doubt theres 1 lawyer up here!"
A good ole 90's joke.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at the pearly gates he notices clocks with names hanging all over the place. The man asks god "What are all the clocks for?" God responded "Every time the clock makes a full rotation, someone on earth commits a sin." The man looked around at all the clocks and out of curiosity asked god "Where's Bill Clinton's clock?" God just pointed up to the ceiling fan.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Halo
Mother Teresa passed away and was on her way up to Heaven when she finally met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He looked at her with such pride and said, "Mother Teresa! Thank you for everything you did for the world. Because of the good you did, I will give you this halo. Only the greatest figures in world history get these ." She thanked him as he placed the halo upon her head. She then walked into heaven and saw some of these amazing figures wearing halos, too. People like Martin Luther King, Jr., Abe Lincoln, etc. Then she looked over and noticed Princess Diana with a bigger halo than everyone else. Mother Teresa stormed over to St. Peter, and started yelling, "You know, I was born into wealth, and gave that all away to live in complete poverty. The s**... of the Earth my whole life!" To which he replied, "I know! We greatly appreciate it. What is the problem?" She replied, "How come Princess Diana gets a halo? She was born into wealth, stayed wealthy her whole life, and I just don't think she did anything above and beyond to deserve that halo." St. Peter was confused. He looked at Mother Teresa and said, "Um, that isn't a halo. That's a f**...' steering wheel."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys died in a car c**......
There were these two friends, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time." St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven. Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied,"here's a picture of my wife, and I never cheated on her." St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven. After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your wife on a skateboard."
Three guys show up in heaven
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The p**... replied, 'These are Carols.'
Latvian man dies of hunger.
He sees St Peter at Pearly Gate. St Peter give him bread and say, "Struggle over now". Man cry from happy. But, look again! St Peter is really devil, and bread have worm. Struggle continues.
Three guys go to Heaven.
At the pearly gates, St Peter asks the first one:
"What did you do on Earth, son?"
I was a lawyer for public interest, i helped people keep their jobs"
"Come in, son!"
"And you?" to the second guy.
"I was a doctor, i helped people be healthy"
"Please come in, son"
Third guy answers: "I was a musician"
St Peter: "Oh, there's a door in the back"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?
Well I'll be d**...!
A guy goes to heaven
A guy ends up at the pearly gates and St Peter welcomes him by congratulating him for being the first man to live to 350 years of age.
The guy is confused, I think you have got the wrong guy , I never lived that long.
St Peter replies, Yeah it's you, we worked it out from your IT contracting time sheets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does that heaven joke go?
Ages ago, I read this joke about a man dying, and as he ascends the pearly staircase, increasingly attractive women with increasingly large amounts of gold urge him a level higher for some really promising reward. Eventually, he reaches the top, and there's a man who makes Jabba the Hutt look like a s**... god, and his name is some kind of s**... pun on the earlier promise.
I just can't for the life of me remember the specifics of the joke. Has anyone else heard it?
Bruce Springsteen...
after a long successful life finally dies and goes to Heaven. St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Bruce! We're so glad you're finally here! God's a big fan, you know."
Bruce, of course, is flabbergasted. "Really?"
"You bet! In fact, he's arranged to have the whole E Street Band reunited up here for you."
"The old band? That's great! I've missed those guys so much."
"Not only that," St Peter goes on, "there's a bunch of other guys who can't wait to jam with you. Lennon and McCartney have written some songs for you, Les Paul has built a new guitar for you, and Beethoven thinks you could use another keyboard player in the band. He's got his hearing back now, you know."
Bruce can't believe his good luck. "This really is Heaven! Is there some sort of catch?"
"Well," says St Peter, "God has a girlfriend, and she thinks she can sing..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... arrives at the Pearly Gates...
...and says to St Peter, "Sorry about the whole Jew thing."
St Peter replies, "You did your best."
Three nuns die and go to heaven
Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.
The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.
The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun is says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
All Men Go to Heaven...
...and upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells the recently departed to form two lines: one for the 'man of the house'; and a second for those obedient and dutiful to their wives. The first line had only 1 man standing in it, while the second line was miles long.
St. Peter turns to the one man standing in the first line and asks, "Man, how did you end up in this line?!"
To which the man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve
They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a c**..., so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, 'How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: 'They're Carol's.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
And So The Christmas Season begins......and I sure hope the jokes get better.
Three Nuns get into Heaven
Three nuns had died and were going to Heaven. They gathered at the Pearly Gates and met St. Peter, who said
"Congratulations Sisters you have made it to Heaven! Now to get in you must answer a question each"
One Nun steps forward and he asks "Who was the first man in Creation?"
"Well that would be Adam" she said.
Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in.
The second Nun steps forward, and he asks "Who was the first Woman?"
"Well that would be Eve" she replied
Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in.
The third and last Nun stepped forward, and he asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The nun paused, pondering for a moment, and said "Wow that's a hard one"
Trumpets played, the gates opened....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Atheist...
Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."
The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? h**.... He made over 60,000 Jews toast."
God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."
The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man dies and goes to heaven...
When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
A taxi driver and a priest go to heaven.
Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."
2 Trump Supporters go to heaven
St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Queen Elizabeth and dolly parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a d**... bottle and douches herself.
St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.
St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.
A couple dies and goes to heaven
They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"
A Pope and a lawyer meet by the Pearly Gates.
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them
"Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll give you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.
The brunette loses at the 100th step. The red head loses at the 500th step. The blonde makes it to the 999th step and begins to laugh hysterically . God asks her "You were so close, why did you laugh?"
She replies "I just got the first one."
Saint Peter has a day off...
... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.
Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.
After along pause... Of thinking how much of a coincidence it is... Of re-reading what he wrote down. Jesus look up. Tears in his eyes.
Jesus: DAD?!
Man: PINOCCHIO!
The ugly club was going to Disneyland!
When the bus crashed killing all 43 of the occupants and the ugly bus driver. When they reach the pearly gates saint peter tells them all to form an orderly line and they will each get one wish before they pass into heaven.
Each person asks for the same thing, I want to be the most beautiful person ever created. As they move through the line, each person becoming more beautiful than the last they can hear giggling from the back of the line.
The line eventually dissipates and saint peter asks the last person in line his wish.
He says make them all ugly again!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates
St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life, thieving street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type; redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, and all of a sudden he went running back yelling,
"God, God, they're gone - they're gone!!!"
"Who, the street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In light of recent discoveries, I made a joke
A conspiracy theorist died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told the conspiracy theorist You may ask me one question, and I will reply honestly.
The conspiracy theorist thought for some time and asked Did h**... escape death in WWII and move to Argentina, where he still resides today?
St. Peter replied no, he committed s**... in Berlin as the Soviet Red Army advanced into the city.
The conspiracy theorist thought to himself wow, this goes even deeper than I thought!
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.
He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."
The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".
A man died and went to Heaven.
He was greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. He saw a wall of clocks that had names on them. He asked Saint Peter what they were for. He replied "They are lie clocks, and every time you lie, the hands move one minute." He showed him George Washington's clock, which was at 12:00, and he told him this meant he had never lied. He then showed him Bill Gates' clock, which was at 1:30, which meant he had lied 90 times. The man asked where Trump's clock was. Saint Peter said "It's in Jesus's office. He uses it as a ceiling fan"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**... bomber dies and goes to heaven
At the pearly gates he meets St. Peter who tells him, "I bet you don't have the guts to do that again."
Guy dies and is at the pearly gates
St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive
Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me
St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?
The guy said oh, about five seconds ago
A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.
He proceeds through the Pearly Gates, and is confronted by God, in all his glory.
God - With my everlasting knowledge, you may ask me any question, and I shall fulfill you with the answer.
Conspiracy Theorist - God, I have to know, who really assassinated JFK?
God - well, that was Lee Harvey Oswald, he worked alone and assassinated JFK
The conspiracy theorist, with a look of shock on his face responds - Oh wow, this goes even higher up than I thought
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alex Jones dies and meets Jesus at the pearly gates.
As they are waiting to see if God will allow Alex into heaven, Jesus says:
"Alex, while we wait you can ask me any question and I will answer it".
So Alex asks him, "who planned 9/11?"
And Jesus responds "o**... Bin Laden"
Alex goes " wow, this goes higher up than I thought."
A priest and a taxi driver go to heaven
While they're at the pearly gates God talks to them about their time in Earth. When he's done talking to the cab driver, he hands him a gold staff and a beautiful silk robe as he walks in
Once he's finished with the priest however, he hands him a wooden staff and a cotton robe. The priest says to God "excuse me, but you gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe, but I only got a wood staff and cloth robe. There must be some mistake"
God responds, "No, I don't make mistakes. When people were riding with the cab driver, they prayed. When they were with you, they slept"
Three nuns die and go to Heaven...
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.
"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.
"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.
"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.
"The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.
"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.
"Oh, that's a hard one..."
The gates swing open.
Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates St. Peter opens them and says "Oh it's you Luciano - come on in!".
Pavarotti says "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you from the Pope." St. Peter opens it up and reads it "HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU".
The merry widow dies and goes to heaven
When she gets to the pearly gates she asks if she can be reunited with her late husband.
St Peter: "What's his name?"
Her: "Ted Smith."
St Peter: "We've got many, many Ted Smiths up here. Help me narrow it down. Where was he buried and what were his last words?"
Her: "He was buried in Woodbank Cemetery and his last words to me were that if I ever slept with another man, he'd turn in his grave."
St Peter: "Oh right, whirling Ted Smith."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Standing at the pearly gates
God: Welcome my son
You........
God: You know why you're here, don't you?
You........
God: Tell me why you're here.
You: Because I was eating a**... at a pool party during a global pandemic?
God: Because you were eating a**... at a pool party during a global pandemic.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates of Heaven
When a group of New Yorkers walked up.
"Hey St. Petey, may we come in too Heaven?"
St. Peter replies "Well, we have never had N6e Yorkers in Heaven before, let me ask God."
He leaves the pearly gates of Heaven and goes to see God.
"God, there is a group of New Yorkers at the pearly gates of Heaven. Should I let them in?"
God thinks for a moment and says "We have never had New Yorkers in Heaven before. Let's see how it goes. Let them in."
St. Peter leaves God, only to come running back a few minutes later.
"THEY'RE GONE!" He said.
"The New Yorkers?"
"THE PEARLY GATES!!"
A monk dies and arrives at the pearly gates...
Allowed to enter, he notices a book prominently displayed behind Saint Peter. The monk asked what the book was. Saint Peter replied, "That's the bible as it was *supposed* to be written. The bible on Earth is close, but there are a few minor differences between the two."
"I was a biblical scribe in life; may I read the book," the monk asked humbly.
"Be my guest," replied St. Peter. The monk carefully started reading the tome and was soon absorbed in his task.
A few hours later the monk was crying. "What's wrong," asked the Saint.
"It says cele*brate*! Cele-*BRATE*!"
A priest dies and goes to heaven....
He greets Saint Peter at the pearly gates and Saint Peter gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff.
As he walks through he sees a cab driver and stops for a second. And Saint Peter gives the cabbie a gold staff and a gold robe.
The priest goes to saint peter and says "why does he get a gold staff and robe, and I only get a wood staff and a cotton robe?"
Saint Peter replies "Up here, we go by results. While you prayed, people slept, while he drove, people prayed!"
Liberace dies an regains consciousness outside the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, I'm sorry, Liberace, but you can't come in. It says right here you ate a parrot. That's God's favorite bird. There's no way I can let you in. Liberace responds, No, no! You got the wrong guy! I never ate a parrot!...
...Now, I mighta ate a cockatoo...
Building contractor
This building contractor dies in a tragic accident on his 40th birthday.
He ends up heaven where he's greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band and Saint Peter.
Saint Peter shakes the guys hand and says congratulations!
The contractor is a little confused and says congratulations for what?
Congratulations for what!? says Saint Peter.
We're celebrating the fact you lived to the grand old age of 160.
The contractor says, But that's not right. I only lived to be 40.
That's impossible, says Saint Peter. We added up your time sheets!
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?"
"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates
A Priest And A Taxi Driver Arrive At The Pearly Gates
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.
For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.
Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.
"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"
St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
So this dude dies and goes to heaven...
... as he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Ok, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?"
The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really mean bikies harassing a little old lady. So I went up to the leader, I spat in his face, I kicked over his bike and I insulted his girlfriend!"
St Peter says, "That's terrific! When did you do that?"
"Oh, about 30 seconds ago."
A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...
He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.
DmX meets Prince Phillip at the pearly gates
DMX meets Prince Phillip at the Pearly Gates after DMX dies at 50 years old.
Prince Phillip scoffs at him. "50?!".
DMX says "Nah man, you got me confused with that other rapper."
Hindu dies and goes to heaven...
Hindu dies and goes to heaven. He's standing at the pearly gates, talking to St Peter. He says, "I wish to speak to Jesus Christ", and St Peter turns his head and yells, "Jesus, your cab is here!"
Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...
At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"
Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machines weren't hacked. The hand recounts were accurate. Just go into Heaven, you're already ticking me off!"
As they walk through the gates Babbitt and Greeson look at each other and say, "this goes up a lot higher than we thought."
A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.
Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.
This belongs to you, said Saint Peter.
Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in? the man demanded.
We did the best we could with the money you sent us! Saint Peter replied.
A man dies and arrives at Heaven
As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."
"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing.
"That's Mother Theresa's clock, it's hands have never moved."
"Wow! And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock, it's hands have only moved twice."
The man asks, "Where is Boris Johnson's clock?"
St Peter replies, "We're using it as a ceiling fan"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Liberace arrives at the Pearly Gates
St. Peter says, "I think we might have a problem here. Our records indicate that you once bit the head off a live parakeet at one of your concerts."
Liberace responds, "No, that would have been Ozzy Osbourne. Now I might have had a cockatoo ..."
Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.
*Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.*
'We're full right now tell them to go away!' shouts the almighty one.
A short while later St Peter returns shouting 'They've gone'
God cries 'What all 150,000 of them?'
St peter replies 'No, the gates. They've taken the gates!'
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him Can we get married in heaven?
St. Peter says Hold on, I'll check.
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says Yes, you can get married in heaven.
The couple then asks What about a divorce?
St. Peter replies I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take to find a lawyer?
At the Pearly Gates
Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, you are allowed one wish for anyone you left behind, back on earth. St. Peter explained this to a woman who had just recently arrived, and asked what her one wish would be.
"Well, I just wish my son would get married and be happy."
"Look lady, I said one wish. Make up your mind!"
A lawyer goes to heaven
St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks "Are you sure it is my time? I'm not that old?"
St Peter says "What do you mean? You're 86 years old."
The lawyer says "No I'm not...I'm only 58. Why do you think I'm 86?"
St Peter says "Well, we just added up all of the hours you've billed to your clients."
Heaven is celebrating
A man was waiting at the Pearly Gates, when he noticed a commotion, suddenly a choir of angels start singing and the whole place is rejoicing.
What's going on? He asked.
Soon a man whose deeds and actions were greatly admired by God, will be joining us and we're anticipating the arrival of this great human, who did more to spread prayer and joy than any other!
Ah, yes, I had heard that the Pope died.
Who cares about a freaking Pope? I'm talking about Pele!
