Peanut Jokes
179 peanut jokes and hilarious peanut puns to laugh out loud. Read food jokes about peanut that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of funny peanut jokes. From knock-knock jokes to riddles, we've got jokes for everyone.
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Funniest Peanut Short Jokes
Short peanut jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The peanut humour may include short pecan nut jokes also.
- I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7. The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him No, but I would have done that in my prime.
- My 9 year old just told me this joke and I thought I would share What do you call rich peanut butter?
Jif Bezos - I have a Spotify playlist that has songs from The Peanuts Movie, Eminem, and The Cranberries I call it my trail mix.
- I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberies, and The Peanuts. I call it my Trail Mix.
- Dad, is that dog over there a wiener dog? Son, with enough peanut butter every dog is a wiener dog.
- I'm going to name my kids after what their mother was craving while pregnant... Peanuts and Pickles are great. tequila is kind of an idiot
- There's a new machine at my gym. I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick...
It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything! - Trail mix dad joke I made a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberries, California Raisins, Red Hot chili Peppers, Spice Girls, and the Peanuts.
I call it my Trail Mix. - Charles Schulz died as one of the richest Americans of the 20th century despite the fact he got his start making Peanuts.
- What did the peanut say to the moon? Nothing.. Peanuts don't speak..
My 4 year old just told me this joke and I can't stop laughing..
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Peanut One Liners
Which peanut one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with peanut? I can suggest the ones about peas and pepper.
- The inventor of autocorrect just died. May he restaurant in peanut.
- ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts. ALDI's nuts
- Why did the man smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
- I bet jellyfish are sad... that there are no peanut butter fish.
- What does a stripper and peanut butter have in common. They both spread for bread.
- What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astronut.
- What do peanut butter and prostitutes have in common? They both spread for bread.
- What do Southerners have in common with peanut butter? They are both usually in bread.
- What do peanuts wear on their feet? Cashews
- Two Peanuts were walking down a dark alley. One was a salted.
- Why was the peanut so salty? Because it got R O A S T E D
- Two types of peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood. One of them was a salted.
- What fish tastes great with peanut butter? Jellyfish
- I'm thinking of hiring an elephant. I hear they work for peanuts.
- I don't like peanut butter... it just isn't my jam.
Peanut Butter Jokes
Here is a list of funny peanut butter jokes and even better peanut butter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Peanut butter not open the door for the Jelly?... Because it was already ajar.
(Sorry, I'm a dad.) - An old joke I learnt [Clean] A peanut was stuck on the tracks
His heart was all a flutter
A train came down the track
*Choo Choo!*
Peanut butter. - What's the difference between girls of our generation and peanut butter? One spreads easily and the other is peanut butter
- I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes. I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis.
.
.
.
.
I'll see myself out. - I got peanut butter on my camera Now every picture is a jif
- Have you heard of the peanut butter song? It's my jam.
- How do you put spaghetti to sleep? You cover it in peanut butter until it dies.
My 4 year old made that up, along with a few others. Not sure how I feel about this. - What do you call a peanut butter jelly sandwich in Flint MI? Pb and j
- As an American, I'm surprised by how unpopular cream cheese and peanut butter are in the rest of the world... I just thought they would have spread more.
- My wife's legs are like the peanut butter I left in the fridge. Won't spread.
Peanut And Jelly Jokes
Here is a list of funny peanut and jelly jokes and even better peanut and jelly puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I made a suitcase out of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It's jam packed.
- Your Mother and I are like peanut butter and jelly She spreads and I jam
- You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
- Why should you ask an anti-masker to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Because they are a super spreader!
- One of these days, I'm going to go fishing for complements. I hope I catch some peanut butter and jelly.
- Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter & jelly Never mind I'm afraid you'll spread it
- People call me peanut-butter... Because everywhere I go, folks be gettin' jelly.
- How can a Pb & Jelly sandwich make you sick even though you don't have a peanut allergy? Lead poisoning
- If a brother and sister get together and have twins, the twins should be named Peanut Butter and Jelly. Because they are in bread.
- My wife and I go together like peanut butter and jelly. She's sweet and I've got nuts.
Peanut Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny peanut day jokes and even better peanut day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm proud to say that I sponsor a kid in Africa. I feed clothe and educate him all for less than 30 cents a day! That's peanuts when compared to what it cost to send him there
- I wish my girlfriend was like my dog Could lick peanut butter off me any time of the day
Peanut Butter Dog Jokes
Here is a list of funny peanut butter dog jokes and even better peanut butter dog puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dog really likes peanut butter Especially the kind with nuts inside
- How do you get a dog to lick itself clean like a cat? Cover it in peanut butter.
- I tried the whole Peanut Butter-and-d**... thing with my dog ...but the Peanut Butter just kept sticking to the roof of my mouth.
- My dog ate a package of peanut butter cups. Now he's p**... out Reeses f**....
- My uncle invented this one today. What is the best part of a dog eating peanut butter?
He has no hands to pick the p**... out. - What's the most difficult thing about training a dog? Getting the peanut butter out of your p**... hair
- How do you stop a dog from h**... your leg? Put peanut butter on it.
- As far as my dog knows... ...d**... taste like peanut butter.
Peanut Allergy Jokes
Here is a list of funny peanut allergy jokes and even better peanut allergy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the man with the peanut allergy die in prison? He was sentenced to the nuthouse.
- What's up with peanut allergies? Not that kid's blood pressure
- I got my cat Kitten Mittens and now he looks like he's got a wicked peanut allergy He does not like cat shoes
- She had a severe peanut allergy That was the kiss of death for their romance
- Many Israelis have died from.. ..Peanut butter allergies than from h**... rockets.
Amusing Peanut Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about peanut you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean honey nut jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make peanut pranks.
I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.
I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.
my wife's favorite joketo tell
What do you call a peanut with a cold?
Cashew!
she was so proud of herself for making me laugh with this one.
I like my women like I like my peanut butter...
Brown, chunky, and easy to spread.
Mommy...
A little girl comes home from school and her mother asks how her day was. The little girl told her mom That she had found out something new. Her mother asked what it was and the girl replied
"Johnny showed me his pee-pee today and it reminded me of a peanut."
Of course her mother was disturbed and she decided to go along with the little girl's act to see if it wasn't true.
"What about it reminded you of a peanut? Was it small like a peanut?"
"No, it tasted salty."
Why was the peanut rushed to the hospital?
He was a"salted"
Did you hear about the peanut in Central Park?
It was a-salted.
Last Halloween
Last Halloween, I went to a costume party. I spot a guy dressed in a monkey costume with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a chocolate bar in the other. I asked him what he was dressed as, and he replied, "Me? I am a Reese's Monkey."
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted
Heard about the peanut that walked through Central Park
It was a salted.
Did you hear about the peanut who was being interrogated?
He finally cracked
Little Johnny's peanut
Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won't believe it! Little Johnny pulled out his pee-pee in class today! It was like a peanut."
The mom replies, "Oh, it was small?"
Little Sally says, "No, it was salty."
A peanut was walking down a dark alley
He got a-salted
Two peanuts were walking through Central Park late at night.
One was a salted.
Little Mary told her dad that Johnny's p**... reminded her of a peanut.
Dad: Why? Is it tiny ?
Little Mary: No ! Salty !
"Now little ones, where do children go when they do bad things...?", Mrs Mary asked.
"I know! I know!", Little Johnny said with vigour, " they go behind the bushes in the playground!"
"Please little Johnny, mind what you say"
"Oh its true Mrs Mary!", voiced Susan enthusiastically, "T.J took me there and showed me his w**...."
The teacher gasped in horror as T.J smiled mischievously.
"Oh, it was like a peanut it was!"
"Hah, so it was tiny?", the teacher relieved, asked.
"No, salty!"
Why did the peanuts and m&ms decide to eat some trail mix?
Oh, they had their raisins.
Terrible jokes my Dad told me as a kid
Joke 1: How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? The peanut butter has footprints
Joke 2: How do you know if an elephant is in your cherry tree? Elephants have blue eyes
I don't know if this has anything to do with how awful the jokes are, but my Dad immigrated from Germany in the 1960's
I like my women like I like my peanut butter
100% nuts
What's the difference between peanut butter and a homosexual man?
One is a nut-butter and the other is a b**...-nutter.
I like my women like I like my peanut butter...
...brown, smooth, and easy to spread.
Props to Shakes the Clown.
What do you call it when you make sandwiches at a sleepover?
Peanut butter and jammies!
What's a monkey's favorite snack?
Rhesus Peanut butter cups!
Two Peanuts were Walking though the Park
and one was a salted.
How is a women and peanut butter the same?
It takes a lot of coaxing to get them to spread when they're cold
Mr. Peanut was arrested for drunk and disorderly at a local s**... Club
The arresting officer said it wasn't the first time he'd busted a nut in front of a stripper and it wouldn't be the last.
There have been reports of very heavy shelling......
At the peanut factory.
What did the cashew say to the sneezing peanut?
"Yes, what is it?"
What do peanuts have in common with husbands?
If you find them at a bar it means they're free.
Today I had an allergic reaction to a peanut...
**This title contains content from FINE BROTHERS ENTERTAINMENT who has it blocked on copyright grounds.**
I ate peanut butter and got an allergic reaction.
I got sued.
An elderly man was on his deathbed.
A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the f**...!"
What did the peanut say to his wife before he left?
I'll be back in a jiffy
What do you get when a dyslexic tries to make a gif?
Peanut Butter.
Oil
If:
Peanut oil is made from peanuts.
Olive oil is made from olives.
Corn oil is made from corn.
Then:
What is baby oil made from?
What do you call a mini-golf club made of wasp t**... that's covered in Reese's Pieces?
A peanut butter bee-nut putter.
A comedian walks to the stage
Comedian: let's do a white racist joke
Us w**... like the same things
We like the same sandwich: peanut butter and-
Audience: JELLY!
Comedian: we like the same chips.
Salt and vi-
Audience: NEGAR
Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly...
..there was a jam
Did you guys hear about the peanut walking down a dark alley?
He was *a salted*
The attribute I most look for in a woman is peanut butter legs...
smooth and easy to spread.
My gf and I had s**... for the first time. We filmed it, and she wants to post the whole thing online. Now we're having an argument.
Is it pronounced Gif (like give) or Jif (like peanut butter)?
Why are peanut butter and jelly r**...?
They're in-bread
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted
What fish tastes best with peanut butter?
A jellyfish
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley
One was assaulted.....s**...! Not so funny now, is it?
What kind of fish is good with peanut butter?
Jellyfish
I was trying to teach my bird to say peanut today.
So far, all that came out was pee.
M&M's Came out with a Honey Flavor.
They coated the peanuts in the Peanut M&M's with honey.
They called them "Beez Nuts"
A man is sitting on a barstool...
and eating from a bowl of peanuts. But instead of just eating them, he takes one peanut at a time, mutters "You s**...!", and then crams it into his mouth. He continues to do this for a while.
Finally, the woman next to him can't contain her curiosity. "Why are you saying that?" she asks.
"I like them roasted."
Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was assalted
...peanut...
little Sally--funny adult joke
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his w**... today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.
Peanut allergy
We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting -- they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his f**....
"Mommy, mommy! Little Johnny pulled out his thingy and showed it to me in the tree house!"
Sally's mother gasped, but didn't want to embarrass her. "Well, what did you think?" she asked.
"It reminded me of a peanut."
"You mean it was small?" her mother chuckled.
"No!" said Sally. "It was salty!"
A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten
A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten. The girls gets into the car and says - "Mom, Timmy's wee wee is like a peanut!". The mother laughs and asks "why is it small?". "No" the girls answers, "it's salty"
Where did the peanut hide his treasure?
Inside a chestnut.
Ever had to force your dog into taking their medication?
It's the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you're up to something. So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don't bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes. But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.
I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.
He's a real nutcase.
What do you call a monster who lives in a dark colored peanut?
The creature from the black legume
Did you know peanut butter has 124 calories per spoonful?
That's nuts