Peak No Jokes
94 peak no jokes and hilarious peak no puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about peak no that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Peak No Short Jokes
Short peak no jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The peak no humour may include short peak jokes also.
- My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
- George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity Just like one of his characters.
(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying) - Why do they sell shoes in pairs? Because they're sole-mates.
(I made this joke up about a week ago and figured I'd tell it on non-peak hours so I don't get upvoted enough to quit my day job)... - Why did the snowman apply for a job on the winter solstice? It wanted to work during its peak season.
- TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz. I guess you can say the earth is flat.
- What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear? \- Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
\- Peak Achoo. - I recently joined a support group for people who peaked in high school. It's called Crossfit
- Gesundheit What are you called when you reach the highest power level sneeze ever?
You're a Peak-Achoo.
I'll see myself out... - Mt. Everest has lost its record status ... ... now that a British astronaut is Earth's highest Peake.
- I'm new to the stock market and I've been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I'll explain. That's when I tend to buy them.
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Peak No One Liners
Which peak no one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with peak no? I can suggest the ones about booster no and noel.
- Why do you never play hide & seek with mountains? Mountains peak.
- I cut the top off of Mt. Everest. I only wanted to take a peak.
- Why did the winter solstice visit the gym? It wanted to stay in "peak" condition.
- What do you call it when you tell a joke on top of a mountain? Peak comedy.
- How do mountains see? They peak.
- I am fascinated by mountains. They peak my interest.
- How do you call the peak of indifference? What Everest.
- When a comedian looks down on everyone That's peak comedy.
- How does the Pope stay in peak physical condition? Crossfit
- I peaked too soon in high school. I'm still sending her child support.
- Do you guys like jokes about mountains? They really peak my interest
- I just made a good mountain joke I think it was peak humor
- Oh, you want to climb to the top of Mount Everest? Did it PEAK your interest?
- Took a peak at one of my Christmas presents. A bag of rice? Thanks a lot Uncle Ben.
- What's worse than peaking in high school? Climaxing to middle schoolers.
Peak No Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about peak no you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean amen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make peak no pranks.
An angry man is coming home and shouts to his wife, "I know everything!"
His wife reacts right away, "Is that so? Then tell me please. Who is the fifth highest peak in the world?"
what's the peak of bad luck
to fall off a crashing plane on a sinking ship
Number 12...
A man is walking down the street when he begins to hear yelling. The man notices it's coming from the court yard of a mental hospital. Once he gets closer he notices they are all yelling the number 12. The fence being too high, he peaks through a hole into the fence to see why they are yelling twelve. To his surprise he gets poked in the eye and begins hearing everyone yell 13...13...
Halfway through his birth, I realize that my son was at his peak trading value...
At that point, he was new, in box
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favorite joke as a kid
A duck walks into a hardware store, goes up to the man attending the counter, and asks "Excuse me sir, do you sell any duck food here?" The man simply nods no and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns to the same store. The same guy is behind the counter and once again, the duck asks "Excuse me sir, do you have any duck food today?" The man, perplexed, looks at the duck and says "This is a hardware store. We don't sell duck food. Go away." The duck leaves.
The duck returned to the same hardware store everyday for a week, same guy behind the counter each time. After the 9th visit, the guy gets really angry, looks at the duck and yells "LISTEN HERE YOU s**... DUCK! I DON'T SELL DUCK FOOD! NOT TODAY, OR EVER! IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE I'M GOING TO HIT YOU WITH A HAMMER!" The duck ran out of the store.
A couple of days passed. The duck peaks his head into the store, looks around, and then enters. He walks up to the guys and asks "Excuse me sir, I noticed that you were out of hammers in isle 5. Do you have any in back?" The guy looks at the duck and says "Sure don't. Sold out this morning." The duck looks around a says "Well if that's the case... Do you by chance have any duck food?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Topical Jokes (5/22)
Hope everyone had a wonderful Wednesday but we can never escape the jokes!
First up, the FCC announced today that they would start to allow more s**... during peak kids' TV hours. So look out for PBS's new show starring Big Bird's cousin, Kandi Kanary, in "Sesame Red Light District".
Weird entertainment news, Paris Hilton has signed onto Cash Money Records. It's there she plans to rap under the emcee name, Li'l Self Respect.
More celebrities. Justin Bieber is now threatening to sue fans if they try to break into his home. Bieber also says he has a whole team of lawyers set up if any females try to break into his room despite the "no gurls allowed" sign.
Good news on the Catholic front, Pope Francis proclaimed that every single human has been redeemed. The Pope said, "God even forgave me for that time I got wasted and peed in the baptismal font so, seriously, stop bringing that up."
And more hopeful news, Vice President Biden told crowds today that the US is not in decline - which is expected for someone who hinges the US's status based on how many Slurpee flavors are available at 7-Eleven.
Just a quick set tonight but thanks for reading!
Bing Crosby
A long time ago, back in the autumn of 1952, when Bing Crosby was
filming the movie "White Christmas" in New Hampshire, the Mayor of
Nashua, NH thought it would be a great idea to have Bing visit their
fair town & present him with the key to the city on the steps of City
Hall. You know, a nice little photo op for the mayor's re-election &
a
way for some of the town's dignitaries to meet the Great Bing Crosby.
Now one as to remember, Bing Crosby at this time was at the peak of his singing career. He was bigger than Elvis, the Beatles, Sinatra, Lady GaGa & the Beach Boys all put together. He crossed generational lines, admired by young & old as one of the "coolest cats" in the music world.
Well, word leaked out that Bing would be in town so hundreds of
teenagers skipped school to attend the little ceremony. The
authorities were not prepared for such a large crowd, there were only a few policemen present, and things soon got out of hand. Pushing &
shoving began as the teenagers all wanted to get closer to see their hero. It soon looked like the Mayor was going to a have a riot on his hands and he was growing more frantic by the minute. All he wanted was a nice little ceremony with Bing and now he had a full fledged uprising threatening to ruin everything.
Throughout all this Bing was seated in his chair, calmly observing
what was happening. When the crowd started to push through the barricades that were set up, he had had enough. Bing got up, strolled to the microphone & said in a commanding voice, "All right, everyone cool down right now"! The rioting crowd immediately calmed down and the Mayor's little ceremony went on without a hitch & everyone went home happy.
The next day's newspaper headline read: CROSBY STILLS NASHUA YOUNG!!
Driving through a blizzard with my dad
At the peak of the snow and ice he got out of the car and put two frozen snakes on the windshield. I asked him what he supposed that would do to help and he said "what's wrong son, Never heard of wind chilled vipers?"
Took a sneak peak and this is what my GF got me for Christmas!
Tour guide in the mountain
A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."
So how do monks stay warm in the snow covered peaks and whatnot?
they have a shawl in temple
Why was Timothy, the British astronaut, selected to go to the ISS?
He was in Peake condition.
Mountains...
They peaked years ago
Hey. I can't help but peak at chu.
It's making my bulbs all sore.
Hillary Clinton comes home one day and finds Bill putting a large box back into the closet...
...she asks him what it's for and he responds, "Don't worry honey. Just forget about it." She does until a few weeks later when her curiosity peaks. She looks in the box and finds $80,000 and 2 soda cans.
When bill gets home she asks him about the box and why there's $80,000 and soda cans in there. He responds, "well honey, I put a soda can in there everytime I cheat on you." Hillary responds, "Well..2 times isn't too bad. But what about the money?" Bill responds without missing a beat, "I recycle the cans whenever the box gets full. "
A Pokemon GO player climbed to the summit of mount Everest...
...convinced that he would could catch a rare Pokemon. All he caught was a cold. It stared with a peak achoo.
A mountain climber's dog falls off a cliff just before reaching the peak. He says...
"Dog gone."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the rock climber start l**... the grass on the peak?
He wanted some Mountain Dew.
My buddy and I started a mountaineering business 6 months ago, and things haven't been going so well.
We may have peaked early.
What does a noise musician order at a Chinese restaurant?
Peaking duck!
A man climbed to the peak of a mountain...
it was all downhill from there
Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.
he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.
Annoying Orange has 5 million subscribers, but has long since reached its peak.
Now he's president of the United States.
I have a large pile of empty pop cans in my garage...
It's a mountain, soda's peak.
Why did the nurse cuddle with her locked-in syndrome patients right after their sponge bath?
Because she likes her vegetables at the peak of freshness
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A worm munches himself into the center of a cucumber.
He keeps eating the delicious cucumber center when all of a sudden he feels himself lifted into the sky and t**... into a jar. He peaks out of the cucumber to see a bunch of other cucumbers. All of a sudden he sees liquid being poured inside the jar.
He crawled back inside his cucumber grave where he thought to himself "I'm really in a pickle this time."
I thought my day couldn't get any better when I won a free cap...
But it's peaked
In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
Ash sat up with a jolt, nose hairs on end. He sneezed explosively.
Witnesses reported a peak ah-choo.
What did the mountain say to the mysteriously foggy valley?
"Alright, you've really peaked my interest"
My friends say I'm a lot like an Iphone
I peaked in 2008 and I'm not compatible with anyone else.
My dad told me today that we're distantly related to the Fugarwii Tribe of Native Americans.
This tribe was nomadic, and would wander all over the continental US. Unfortunately, as a tribe, they had a terrible sense of direction and would often get horribly lost.
The Fugarwii had scouts who's soul purpose was to remedy this: they would scout about, find the tallest mountain they could, and scale the mountain to its peak.
Once there, they would look about with their hand over their eyes like a visor. Then, the lead scout would turn to face the others and say "where the Fugarwii"
I played sports, my whole life, and was always the best. I stopped short of playing collegiately.
In other words, I peaked in high school.
There was this former soccer star...
who quit at the peak of his career. When a reporter asked him why, he replied It was Messi business.
A communist joke often told by Ronald Reagan
Two Russian friends were taking a walk downtown during the height of the Soviet Union. The one looks around at his country and says "is this it? Have we achieved peak Communism?"
The other responds "oh, no my friend, it gets much worse."
The best friend of us is tissue
Next to you in grief
Next to you at the peak of pleasure
Why do so many die on Mount Everest?
Many never reached peak performance.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An athlete is about to start the four hundred metre race. He sets himself ready at the starting blocks and the starter p**... fires.
As he's half way through the race he peaks around to see how his apponents are doing.
To his suprise, they're all miles behind.
Bizzarly, one seems to be actually running backwards. One is walking on his hands, making slow progress. Two are piggy backing each other, taking turns, and another is simply standing on the starting line.
He reaches the finish line and claims first place. He approaches the race official and asks, "what's going on? I thought this would be competitive."
"Oh, the real race is later today", the race official replies, "that was the d**... run".
I yelled at a friend because in her email she used 'peak' instead of 'peak', 'hear' instead of 'here' and other, similar mistakes.
I engaged in and ad homonym attack.
In these troubling political times with gun violence peaking, human rights scandals on us soil, and ongoing corruption investigations, it's always important to find the silver lining in things...
International Relations with Russia have never been better!
British scientists have created a new high-tech material that reaches peak performance around 5pm
They called it Tea-timeium.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIL that narcissistic behavior tends to peak in mid-September.
Pride goeth before a fall.
An electric pokemon just sneezed its biggest sneeze ever
Some would call that its 'Peak Achoo'
My life highlight was being crowned the hide and seek champion at my school, until they discovered I was cheating
I peaked early.
What do you call a mountaintop guarded by rogues?
A sneak peak
Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?
At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why should you never get undressed in front of a mountain ?
Because they're always peaking
Finally reached the top of Mount Everest in 15 days
That's my Peak Performance!
I recently joined a support group for females that peaked in high school
It's called lularoe.
Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....
I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know
I used to believe that Radiator Springs is just a place named after a car part and couldn't be that well-known at its peak...
But then I saw Liverpool winning the premier league title today.
A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.
The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.
The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.
Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks Why did you choose that heart?
The patient responds Because I know that heart has never been used.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old lady in a bus
OL: stop the bus. I need to p**....
BD: gran, I can't stop the bus. We're 30 mins to a rest stop. Hold it in. It's just your imagination.
OL: really, stop the bus. It's peaking.
BD: it's just your imagination.
5 mins later, BD stopped the bus as he smelled something awful.
BD: gran, did you just s**... on my bus? It smells awful.
OL: O come on son. Drive along now, it's just your imagination.
A friend of mine told me how to get maximum returns on my investments
That really peaked my interest!