Peaceful Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

Islam is a peaceful religion

A piece over there, a piece over there, a piece over here

A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...

...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband funeral.

When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:

"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"

Two Women Talking in Heaven

1 Woman: Hi, Wandal

2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1 Woman: I froze to death.

2 Woman: How horrible!

1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1 Woman: So what happened?

2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.

Martians arrive on earth...

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the pope's turn to ask a question...

"I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ" the pope asks.

"Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party" the aliens respond

The pope looks baffled and says "You must be mistaken...Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since...why would he visit you so often?"

"well..." they look at each other "...maybe your chocolate wasn't good" the aliens offer

"Pardon me?" the pope asks

"Well, when Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate...what did you guys do?"

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one?"

The shepherd has hundreds of sheep and feels confident enough to agree. The redhead looks over the flock and says, "361." The shepherd is stunned that she guessed correctly but, being a man of his word, allows her to pick out her favorite. The redhead is about to put her new pet in her car when the shepherd calls out to her.

"Hey Lady! If I can guess your real hair color, may I have my dog back?"

 

My sister was not amused.

Two ladies meet in heaven

Woman 1 turns to woman 2 and says, "Susan! You're here too? How'd you die?"
Susan: "Beverly! Yep, I'm dead. I froze to death."
Beverly: "That sounds horrible..."
Susan: "No, actually it's quite peaceful. Once you get past the cold, you just fall asleep and die. What about you? How'd you die?
Beverly: "Oh, I had a heart attack."
Susan: "Really? What happened?"
Beverly: "I was certain my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But when I got home, I found him in the den, watching TV."
Susan: "And...?"
Beverly: "I was so sure there was another woman, I ran around the house frantically searching. I checked the attic, the basement, under all the beds, in all the closets. Eventually, I just keeled over and died from a massive heart attack."
Susan: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."

Two rabbis are at temple...

Two rabbis of great scholarly distinction are spending a quiet morning at Temple, enjoying peaceful contemplation in the near-empty building. Suddenly overwhelmed with spiritual exaltation, the first rabbi stands, and with his hands spread wide exclaimed, "Lord, I am nothing!", and with a deep breath, he sat back down. The second rabbi, feeling a similar rush of soul stirring, stood up, and with his hands clasped over his head and his eyes shut tight, proclaimed calmly "Lord, I am nothing." Sitting back down, both rabbis returned to their talmudic ruminations.

Near the front of the room was a volunteer cleaner, who had been sweeping up and saw both of the revered men make the profound statements. So overcome with emotion having just witnessed the most sublime of confessions from such great leaders of faith, he tossed down his broom, fell to his knees, and wailed "Oh LORD! I am nothing!"

The rabbis both looked up, startled out of meditation. The first rabbi looked at the second, and gesturing towards the cleaner with his eyebrows, said "So look who think's he's nothing."

There were two friars from Mississippi...

They decided they weren't getting paid enough, but they were peaceful people and didn't want to protest. Instead, they got a second job. They opened a flower shop together.

It was going pretty well, and everybody loved the supposedly blessed flowers, but soon enough the competition got jealous. They claimed that it was illegal to sell the flowers in the name of the Lord.

Being Mississippi, the court sided in favor of the friars and said they could stay open. But the competition was still angry.

They were so angry, in fact, that they hired a thug named Hugh to go "persuade" the friars to close their business. It wasn't even a day before the friars' shop was closed.

It all goes to show, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

I wish to die

peaceful and in sleep like my grandfather and not screaming and afraid like passengers in his bus.

Ghandi joke

As I'm sure you've heard, Gandhi, a very spiritual man, used hunger strikes and peaceful marches as tactics to bring attention to the plight of his people. Unfortunately, this had some negative effects on his health and well being. Besides overall weakness due to lack of food, persistent near starvation caused him to have truly awful breath. The constant walking, typically bare foot or in light sandals, gave him endless bunions and corns on his poor feet.

So it would be fair to say that he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

How the Fukarwe Indians got their Name:

The Fukarwe Indians lived in Utah about 2,000 years ago.

They were a peaceful tribe and lived in Teepees on the prarie.

One day it started raining heavily.......and kept on raining.

The prarie started to flood and they were forced to move to higher ground.

And the rain kept coming......and the tribe had to move to higher and higher ground.

Until they found themselves at the top of a mountain.

And the Chief raised his hands to the Sky and shouted.

Where the Fukarwe!!!!..........z

Breaking news : ISIS has surrendered

As soon as they read that Hugh Hefner has died , they realized there won't be any more virgins left for them in heaven, and have laid down their arms and will lead peaceful lives with their current wives .

Conversation in Heaven.

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking; from the attic
and all the way down into the basement,
I went through every closet and checked
under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

Tea is an Evil Substance

Tea is an evil substance, more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night, when I drank 14 beer till 3AM at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me all night and even in the morning. Please Ladies, don't drink tea!

My shiny watch has had a peaceful life...

...it's always had the time to reflect upon itself.

Peace after death..

Husband: My dear, what ll you do after my death?

Wife: I can't live without you. I would die as well and come with you.

Husband: huh.. I didn't believe what that psychic said. But now I do.

Wife: what did he say?

Husband: He said, you won't live a peaceful life even after your death !!!

Q & A with Ms Sonia Ghandi

Ms Sonia Ghandi is visiting a school. She goes to one class, gives a brief statement and says to the class full of rural children, "Ask me anything!"

So Pappu stands up. "Madam Sonia-ji, I have three questions. One, why are you not the prime minister of India; Two, who ordered the police to attack the peaceful demonstrators at Ramlila Maidan; Three, how much money do you have in your Swiss bank accounts."

Before Ms Ghandi can answer, the lunch bell rings. So after 30 mins the children and Ms Ghandi are back in the class. This time, Bubbly raises her hand. "Madam Sonia-ji, I have only questions. One, how did the lunch recess bell ring 40 minutes early; and Two, where is Pappu."

Why Mayberry RFD was such a pleasant place

Just think of how idyllic and peaceful the whole community was.

What did the main characters all have in common? Sheriff Andy, Barney, Opie, Gomer, Floyd the barber, Helen, Clara Jean, Aunt Bea, Goober, Harold......they were all SINGLE.

The only married character was Otis, and he was drunk all the time!

On a flight from Dubai to NYC, I met a cheerful gentleman from Pakistani. He stressed that Pakistan is now a new country, peaceful & totally against terrorism

To prove his point, he decided not to hijack the plane.

Drinking tea is bad for you.

Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.


I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.


You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.


I was peaceful, silent, and heading to bead as she shouted at me... All Night Long. Even into the next morning!


Please, ladies.... If you can't handle your tea, then just don't drink it!

Why was the spider community so peaceful?

They experienced neutrality across the web.

Why are circles always peaceful?

They don't have a side to pick.

The Fukawi Tribe

There was once a tribe of very short people who lived on an island in very long grass. One day an explorer stumbled upon this large grass covered island and intact discovered the tribe. He was very excited but decided since he was not sure if they were a peaceful people or not he would not engage this time, instead he would come back better equipped in a few days. When he got home he decided to tell his fellow explorers about the tribe he had discovered. He sat with them in a bar and told them all about the island and the long grass and the tiny people. Finishing his story he said so I've discovered this incredible tribe they're new and they're called the Fukawi tribe his best friend astounded said but how did you come up with the name?
Oh I didn't came the reply they named themselves, and when I approached them they kept jumping up yelling we're the Fukawi

How do you ruin someones peaceful thoughts?

Puppymonkeybaby

I hope when I die it's peaceful and in my sleep like my grandfather,

not screaming and in fear like the passengers on his plane.

My teacher talks all the time about tolerance of others: "Tolerance is the key to a peaceful society." So I heeded her advice and gradually became more tolerant.

Then I overdosed.

Russia is merely a buffer state.

If it was not for the peaceful landmass, North Korea and Norway would be at each other's throats.

On another peaceful hill, stand two cows, the first cows turns chewing her cud to the second cow and says, " I say, does this mad cow malarkey worry you at all". The second cow turns to the first, swallows his cud and says...

"Nah, it don't worry us tractors"

When I die I hope it's peaceful and in my sleep like my grandmother

and not like the passengers in her car at the time.

I wanna Die peaceful in my sleep just my like my Grandpah!

Unlike the passengers in his car...

Parenting 101

1. Pour milk on floor.

2. Ask which kid did it.

3. Send them to their rooms when they don't admit it.

4. Enjoy peaceful evening.

a peaceful man was so opposed to war that he upon reading his draft notice he passed out and remained comatose for the duration of the war

he was an unconscientious objector

I must have had the worst nightmare ever

Everything was absolutely perfect and completely peaceful. It was almost like it wasn't even trying.

As I was finishing a round of golf during a lightning storm, I was suddenly struck

...by how peaceful my game was with no one else on the course. I should do this more often!

Two friends meet in a park.

They sit down and start observing the peaceful nature.

The first friend starts pondering and says to the second:

"Hmpfh. Here we are, in the beautiful nature where it is so peaceful and beautiful.
What do you think our wives are doing?"

The second one replies, jokingly:

"Well, they are probably knitting or getting laid with someone."

The first one rapidly gets up and starts running towards home.

The second friend asks him:

"HEY! What's gotten into you, why are you running?"

The first one replies:

"MY WIFE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO KNIT."

If a dog was president, our country would be extremely peaceful...

Treaties would sound irresistible.

What do you call a peaceful Indian sending a picture in the mail of a snobbish criminal going down stairs?

Ghandi-sending a condescending con descending

Sorry.. I'm tired

A disgruntled animator for Wallace and Gromit quit his job...

A disgruntled animator for Wallace and Gromit quit his job. He took people away from the company with him and decided to protest the terrible treatment and wasteful use of the clay the company used. He taught principles of peaceful protests and even wrote a list of points against the company for his followers to use as reasoning for their strike. When he heard that a group of his supporters had been arrested for disruptive behavior at the company's headquarters, he went to visit them in prison. "Why did you go against the peaceful demonstration rules we talked about?" He asked. "You told us to yell!" They said. "No," he replied, "I told you to use ex-claymation points!"

What are the funniest peaceful jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Peaceful? Well, here are the best Peaceful puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Peaceful pick up lines to share with friends.

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