peace Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious peace puns

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

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Have you ever wondered why, during a crisis, they let women and children go first?

It's so the men can have some peace and quiet while they think about what to do.

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My wife was dying...

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

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Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.

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"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "

She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"

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My wife was dying..

I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice "there's something i must confess."
"Sshh" i said. "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No. I must die in peace. I fucked your Brother, your best friend, his best friend and your Dad!"
"I know." I whispered. "That's why i poisoned you, you cunt. Now shutup and fucking die!"

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5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving oral sex.

* 1% liked the warmth

* 2% liked the sensation

* 3% liked the eroticism

* 94% just liked the peace and quiet

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World Peace

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.Β 


"World peace" I said.Β 

"Something more realistic!" she laughedΒ 

"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?"Β 

She reached for the phone.Β 

"Who are you calling?" I asked.Β 

"The United Nations" she replied.

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Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace.

A piece of Ukraine.

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If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace...

how many bedrooms would your mansion have?

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I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

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Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

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Why are women and children evacuated first in disasters?

So we can rest in peace.

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Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start

and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum. An hava Marry Crispmouse...

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You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship?

It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.

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If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune...

What color would your Lamborghini be?

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A sad man at the bar

A man sat at a bar looking really depressed. Why the long face? asked the bartender
Well, my wife got mad at me and wouldn't speak to me for a month.
What! That's a blessing in disguise! You'll get peace and quiet for a whole month, said the bartender.
The problem is, replied the man, today's the last day.

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What do men enjoy most about a blowjob?

The peace and the quiet.

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This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What's the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

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Why do they evacuate women and children first in a crisis?

That's the only way the men will finally get some goddamn peace and quiet before they die.

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The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant In Peace.

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I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet"

A kid meal is Β£250

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What's green and flies over Germany ?

Snazis.


This insanely corny joke brought to you by my Dad, circa 1990.
May he rest in peace!

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You disturbed the first part of this funeral.

Just let us do the rest in peace.

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A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.

The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"

And the monk replies "this IS my inner piece."

Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"

The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.

"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.

The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."

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Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

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The aliens!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it " Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".
The gas pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The other alien shouted to his companion, "No, you must not anger him....", but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travel around the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, you don`t screw around with him."

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Lonely on the farm

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

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World peace or all of Bill Gates' money?

If you had a choice between world peace or Bill Gates' money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

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Polish pickle slicer

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his trousers and underpants only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

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Why do aliens avoid having sex in public?

They prefer to come in peace

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Rest in peace boiling water,

You will be mist.

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A Chinese man is on his death bed...

With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks is his wife there?

The doctor assures him she is.

"And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?"

"They are."

"What about my sister?"

Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him:"Don't worry, she's here, along with your brother in law, and all the rest of your family, you can die in peace."

With his last breath, the old Chinese man, struggling to make his voice heard says:

"If everyone is here, then who the fuck is minding the shop?".

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What are the most funny Peace jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Peace? Well, here are the best Peace dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Peace pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes