Peace Jokes
154 peace jokes and hilarious peace puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about peace that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Ready for a laugh? Explore our collection of hilarious peace jokes and find out if laughter really is the best medicine for achieving lasting world peace. From lighthearted quips about inner harmony to witty puns about war and peace treaties, these jokes will have you chuckling like an earthling in a peaceful, quiet meadow.
Quick Jump To
- Short Peace Jokes
- Peace One Liners
- World Peace Jokes
- Peace And Love Jokes
- Peace And Quiet Jokes
- War And Peace Jokes
- Rest In Peace Jokes
- More Peace Jokes
Funniest Peace Short Jokes
Short peace jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The peace humour may include short equality jokes also.
- Have you ever wondered why, during a crisis, they let women and children go first? It's so the men can have some peace and quiet while they think about what to do.
- Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.
- Why is it called white noise? Because if it wasn't white, it'd be called disturbing the peace
- My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
- If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace... how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
- I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds. I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!
- Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds I know it's only three words, but it's a start.
- I asked a girl to come back to my place and as she was looking through my books... She asked, "How come you've got so many copies of 'War and Peace'?"
I replied, "It's a long story..." - You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship? It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.
- If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune... What color would your Lamborghini be?
Share These Peace Jokes With Friends
Peace One Liners
Which peace one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with peace? I can suggest the ones about justice and ease.
- India is a very peaceful country. Because nobody has any beef over there.
- Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace. A piece of ukraine.
- Why are women and children evacuated first in disasters? So we can rest in peace.
- Islam is a peaceful religion A piece over there, a piece over there, a piece over here
- What do you get when you cross a hippie with a ninja? Peace and quiet.
- I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" A kid meal is £250
- My grandfather died peacefully and in his sleep but the kids on his bus were screaming.
- The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
- Rest in peace boiling water, You will be mist.
- Today the inventor of autocorrect has died Resturant in peace
- The creator of autocorrect passed away Restaurant in peace
- Rest in peace to the water I just boiled. It will be mist.
- The path to inner peace begins with just 3 words Not my problem
- What's with all the hate for Necromancers? Can't a guy raise a family in peace?
- My Welsh grandfather passed away yesterday He died peacefully in his sheep.
World Peace Jokes
Here is a list of funny world peace jokes and even better world peace puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- World peace or all of Bill Gates' money? If you had a choice between world peace or Bill Gates' money, what color would your Lamborghini be?
- If you had the choice between World Peace or all of Bill Gates money.... .....what colour Ferrari would you buy?
- If you could choose between 1 billion dollars and world peace... What would the color of your new Lamborghini be?
- If you had to choose between Bill Gates' money and world peace... ...what colour should your porsche be?
- How can we have world peace?
- Sleep is the greatest thing on earth. It's so great that if everyone did it at the same time, there'd actually be world peace.
- In the begining there was world peace. Then God said "Let there be white people"
- World peace (how to) If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least two hours...followed by a global food shortage.
- If you could choose between world peace and 1 million dollars... What would you buy?
- Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize and we stay at War for 2 terms... Trump pulls troops out... world thinks he was blackmailed.
Is this really the world we live in now?
Peace And Love Jokes
Here is a list of funny peace and love jokes and even better peace and love puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Necrophiles and hippies are very similar Both want peace and love.
- How do you call someone who loves to kiss people on their neck? Neck-romancer.
Also: One can not raise a family in peace these days. Its realy hard to be a necromancer... - Unfortunately, Verne Troyer passed away at 49, which is pretty young. But let's be honest, he pretty much always had a short life
Edit; we loved ya, rest in peace bud - So there was this place where people would all come.. In harmony, peace and love, and then tell a joke in that spirit.
So you are finally here.
Welcome. - Honk... If you love peace and quiet.
- Everyone Loves Star Wars I'm still holding out for Star Peace.
- Have you ever looked at your love ones asleep peacefully and thought: Ah! So that's how they'd look like in the coffin..
- Hannibal Lecter loves human meat. It lets him have a peace of mind.
- Rest in peace David Bowie I love your knives!
- If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love? A s**....
Peace And Quiet Jokes
Here is a list of funny peace and quiet jokes and even better peace and quiet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner So I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.
- My wife wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.. .. so I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.
- My wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
- bleakest Russian joke i know "children! Your father hanged himself for some peace and quiet, not so you could have a swing-set!"
- If time-outs have tought me anything, It's that doing something wrong gets you time for peace,quiet,and solidarity. In a place called jail.
- Just in time for Christmas, the gift for people who like peace and quiet... ...a phoneless cord.
- Where's the worst place to go to for some peace and quiet? Illinoise.
- These jokes are the best way to get some peace and quiet from others. Because now my friends left
- 5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving o**... s**.... * 1% liked the warmth
* 2% liked the sensation
* 3% liked the eroticism
* 94% just liked the peace and quiet - What's the best thing about o**... s**...? The 5 minutes of peace and quiet!
War And Peace Jokes
Here is a list of funny war and peace jokes and even better war and peace puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 2 men discussing why they joined the army.... "I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.
The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace." - What do you give a country that hasn't rang it's bell for war in 100 years? A no bell peace prize.
- My son was watching me read War and Peace , and asked me, Why is the book so thick? I said, Well, ..it's a long story.
- I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read. It's only 3 words.
- Kim Jong-un read War and Peace in a day. At least I think that's why they call him Supreme Reader.
- I've taken up speed reading. I can read War & Peace in under an hour. I's only three words, but it's a start.
- What do you call it when obese statesmen end a war during tea time? Peace of Cake.
- My son saw me reading War and Peace and asked me, Why is the book so fat? I said, Well,...it's a long story.
- A general reads War and Peace A general reads War and Peace another soldier asked him how he liked it "liked the first half, hated the second. " he said
- What did the warring religious sects say to each other after they made peace? "Good Shiite."
"See you Sunni."
Rest In Peace Jokes
Here is a list of funny rest in peace jokes and even better rest in peace puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's green and flies over Germany ? Snazis.
This insanely corny joke brought to you by my Dad, circa 1990.
May he rest in peace! - Pilot Bob Johnson, age 85, died peacefully in his sleep last Tuesday. The rest of his passengers weren't so lucky.
- It's true, women and children should always be rescued first. Men deserve to rest in peace.
- Rest In Peace, American Education Coming to an end in DeVos't way imaginable.
- A man is attending the burial of his wife, who has just died. When someone asks, 'Who is it who rests in peace here?', he answers, 'Me, now that I'm rid of her!'"
- Two drunk men are talking in a bar - You know? my uncle is now resting in peace
- I had no clue your uncle had died
- No, the one who died was my aunt - Rest in Peace Billy Mays. He partied like it was $19.95.
- Learning English So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.
Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.
Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace. - Mr Peg, my Digital Photography teacher, just passed away. Rest in peace Jay.
- A wife inscribed on her husband's tombstone... Rest in Peace honey.
Rest in Peace, till I join you.
Great Peace Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about peace you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean comfort jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make peace pranks.
After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
Finish what you start!
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Doctor's orders for more peace in your life
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Pilot Choice
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
I asked my 2 yr old to "give me a minute".
So my 2 y.o. daughter follows me almost *everywhere* around the house. I walked into the bathroom yesterday and sure enough, there she is 5 seconds later. Frustrated, I said, "Can you please just give me 1 minute?" She says, "Huh? Ok." and right when I think she's going to give me a moment of peace she reaches into her imaginary back pocket and says, "Here you go." :/
I want to die like my father; sleeping in peace ...
Not like his passengers; screaming in fear.
This may be controversial to most people, but i feel it must be said. I FULLY support flying the rebel flag.
How else are we supposed to show our support and remembrance of the battle of Hoth, and our willingness to topple the empire and bring peace to the galaxy?
Nobel Peace Prize
I would kill for one of those
A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...
"Make me one with everything."
When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.
The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"
And the monk replies "this IS my inner piece."
Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"
The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.
"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.
The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."
If the bird of peace if the dove, what's the bird of love?
The s**....
You disturbed the first part of this f**....
Just let us do the rest in peace.
My friend died from an e**... after lighting his f**... on fire.
But I know he's at peace because the last thing he saw was a light at the end of his tunnel.
English navy ship is sinking...
They are sending message on the radio: "MAY DAY, MAY DAY!! WE ARE SINKING!"
A German ship hears their message and responds: " Zis is German Navy Ship. What are you sinking about?"
Were those peace times or war times, I cannot tell... either way it's funny :)
A sad man at the bar
A man sat at a bar looking really depressed. Why the long face? asked the bartender
Well, my wife got mad at me and wouldn't speak to me for a month.
What! That's a blessing in disguise! You'll get peace and quiet for a whole month, said the bartender.
The problem is, replied the man, today's the last day.
Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.
The first man wishes to be invisible, p**...! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.
The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, p**...! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.
The third man sees this and figures out that the other men were selfish and that's what got them killed so he wishes for world peace, p**...! and 7.3 billion people drop down dead.
An old man is on his deathbed and calls his whole family into his bedroom so he can make his peace.
After everyone seems to be there, the old man asks, "are you absolutely sure everyone is in here?" no one is in any other part of the house?"
His son says, "Don't worry dad, everyone is here"
The dad says, " Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"
North Korea just announced it will host peace talks...
Between the United States and Canada.
Why do aliens avoid having s**... in public?
They prefer to come in peace
From the death notice of a local newspaper: After a very hard and painfull life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace...
The f**... of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
Why was the scarecrow nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize?
Because he was out standing in his field
What did the robot have written on their gravestone?
Rust In Peace
When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...
I'll take Nunavut.
The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.
Restaurant in peace.
Husband...Before I die I need to confess something. Wife..Sssshhh now there's nothing to confess everything is all right.
Husband.. No I must die in peace. I slept with your sister your best friend and two of your co-workers.
Wife..I know. That's why I poisoned you. Rest now.
"What would a peaceful death be like?" asks the professor
"The same way my grandfather died" The student replies
"And how died your grandfather?"
"He fell asleep"
"Nice answer. And what would be a terrible death?"
"The way that my grandfather's friends died"
"And how died your grandfather friends?
"They were in the car with my grandfather when he fell asleep"
When you don't qualify for a Nobel Peace Prize...
... Go for the Darwin Award!
We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....
February 30, 2021
Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram!
I'm a content creator.
Do you know why women and children are always evacuated first in any emergency situation?
So that all the men can think and come up with a solution in peace and quiet.
Source: my dad (to me on International Women's Day)
Zack late to his work
Zach's boss was super p**... as Zack was an hour late to the work because of the daylight savings time.
After the boss left, Zack kick a lamp to vent out his frustration.
Suddenly a genie appeared and said - you have made me free. I will grant you a wish.
Zack - Can you bring peace between Israel and Palestine?
Genie - That's not possible. Sorry you got to ask another wish.
Zack - Can you please explain me the benefit of daylight savings time?
Genie - Ahhh... Ok, I will call Netanyahu
My wife was dying.
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.
Everything's alright."
"No, I must die in peace. I had s**... with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."
P in Taliban stands for
Peace
Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…
The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.
After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…
A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…
Vladimir Putin just gave a statement about Russia's peace keeping operation in Ukraine
It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!
Zelensky has massive b**..., so how do you get them from Kyiv to the border for the peace talks?
Ukraine them
Doctor: "You'll be at peace soon!"
Me : "Am I dying?"
Doctor: "No!! Your wife is."
Apparently this is a current Russian joke: What is the title of Tolstoy's main work?
It's "Special operation and peace".
A guy sits down in a bar and orders drink after drink.
Is everything okay, pal? asks the bartender.
My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month he replied.
Trying to put a positive spin on it, the barman says well maybe see it as a good thing? You know, some peace and quiet?
Yeah, but today is the last day
I feel the most at peace when I sleep in the n**...
The rest of the passengers on the plane felt different
A Russian man shouting
A Russian man is walking around on the Red Square and shouting "Brezhnev is an idiot! Brezhnev is an idiot!"
He gets arrested. The sentence comes: 25 years. 1 for disturbing the peace and 24 for unauthorized release of classified information.
