Peace Jokes

What are some Peace jokes?

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

Have you ever wondered why, during a crisis, they let women and children go first?

It's so the men can have some peace and quiet while they think about what to do.

Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.

5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving oral sex.

* 1% liked the warmth

* 2% liked the sensation

* 3% liked the eroticism

* 94% just liked the peace and quiet

Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace.

A piece of Ukraine.

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace...

how many bedrooms would your mansion have?

I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Why are women and children evacuated first in disasters?

So we can rest in peace.

You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship?

It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.

If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune...

What color would your Lamborghini be?

A sad man at the bar

A man sat at a bar looking really depressed. Why the long face? asked the bartender
Well, my wife got mad at me and wouldn't speak to me for a month.
What! That's a blessing in disguise! You'll get peace and quiet for a whole month, said the bartender.
The problem is, replied the man, today's the last day.

I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet"

A kid meal is Β£250

What's green and flies over Germany ?

Snazis.


This insanely corny joke brought to you by my Dad, circa 1990.
May he rest in peace!

You disturbed the first part of this funeral.

Just let us do the rest in peace.

A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.

The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"

And the monk replies "this IS my inner piece."

Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"

The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.

"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.

The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

World peace or all of Bill Gates' money?

If you had a choice between world peace or Bill Gates' money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize

Because they've created world's most dedicated recycling community.

Why do aliens avoid having sex in public?

They prefer to come in peace

Rest in peace boiling water,

You will be mist.

So a guy walks into a bar...

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can't believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there's this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

So the guy asks the bartender, Where'd he come from?

And the bartender's, like, There's a genie in the men's room who grants wishes.

So the guy runs into the men's room and, sure enough, there's this genie. And the genie's, like, Your wish is my command. So the guy's, like, O.K., I wish for world peace. And there's this big cloud of smokeβ€”and then the room fills up with geese.

So the guy walks out of the men's room and he's, like, Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.

And the bartender's, like, No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?

What do you give a country that hasn't rang it's bell for war in 100 years?

A no bell peace prize.

The Night Light


A 90 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

A city slicker moves to the countryside...

... and is visited by his nearest neighbor, the rancher who lives 5 miles distant.

The rancher says, "Welcome to the neighborhood! I'm having a party tomorrow, and you're invited."

The city slicker says, "Well, that's very very neighborly of you. Thank you."

Rancher says, "Though I should warn you, there's a-gonna be some heavy drinkin'."

City slicker says, "That's okay, I've done my share of drinking."

Rancher says, "And there's probably a-gonna be some fightin', too."

City slicker says, "Well... that's okay, I can keep my own peace."

Rancher says, "And there's a-gonna be some sex, too."

City slicker says, "I'm fine with that. So... is there anything I should bring to the party?"

Rancher says, "Naw, it's just a-gonna be you and me."

Three men meet a genie and are given a single wish.

The first man wishes to be invisible, poof! he turns invisible but gets run over by a truck and drops down dead.

The second man wishes for 100 million dollars, poof! he gets the money but is robbed and shot and drops down dead.

The third man sees this and figures out that the other men were selfish and that's what got them killed so he wishes for world peace, poof! and 7.3 billion people drop down dead.

Today the inventor of autocorrect has died

Resturant in peace

An old man is on his deathbed and calls his whole family into his bedroom so he can make his peace.

After everyone seems to be there, the old man asks, "are you absolutely sure everyone is in here?" no one is in any other part of the house?"

His son says, "Don't worry dad, everyone is here"

The dad says, " Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

So this cowboy wants to make peace with Indians

The Chief says:"alright, but first I want to test if you are serious." He points to the three tents in front of them and says:"I want you to complete three tasks.
(1)In the first tent there are 10 bottles of whiskey, I want you to drink them all. (2)Then go into the second tent where you can find a bear. I want you to give me his ear.
(3)Then go into the last tent, where you will find one of my daughters. I want you to turn her into a woman by having sex with her."
The cowboy agrees to the terms and goes into the first tent. He manages to drink the bottles and stumbles to the second tent..A lot of noise, growling of the bear and screams of the cowboy can be heard... The chief surely thinks he is now rid of the cowboy.. however, he manages to walk out of the second tent. On his way to the third one he can be heard saying:"alright, let's cut off this woman's ear."

bleakest Russian joke i know

"children! Your father hanged himself for some peace and quiet, not so you could have a swing-set!"

Finish what you start!

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

Peace'n quiet in Auz

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

What's the best thing about oral sex?

The 5 minutes of peace and quiet!

I want to die like my father; sleeping in peace ...

Not like his passengers; screaming in fear.

If you could choose between 1 billion dollars and world peace...

What would the color of your new Lamborghini be?

I asked my 2 yr old to "give me a minute".

So my 2 y.o. daughter follows me almost *everywhere* around the house. I walked into the bathroom yesterday and sure enough, there she is 5 seconds later. Frustrated, I said, "Can you please just give me 1 minute?" She says, "Huh? Ok." and right when I think she's going to give me a moment of peace she reaches into her imaginary back pocket and says, "Here you go." :/

English navy ship is sinking...

They are sending message on the radio: "MAY DAY, MAY DAY!! WE ARE SINKING!"
A German ship hears their message and responds: " Zis is German Navy Ship. What are you sinking about?"

Were those peace times or war times, I cannot tell... either way it's funny :)

Air Force One

Air Force One was carrying the President over the Atlantic Ocean for an international peace conference. One of the Secret Service agents approached the President, "Sir, there's a problem with the septic system. It's too full and it's starting to ice over."

The President replied, "Can't you just flush the system into the atmosphere?"

Secret service agent says, "No sir, I can't do that"

President asks, "Why not?"

Secret service agent, "Sir, I can't initiate an icy BM launch unless you give me the proper authorization codes."

North Korea just announced it will host peace talks...

Between the United States and Canada.

A reporter worked in Israel. Every day she'd see the same Jewish man go to the religious "West Wall" three times a day and pray. He didn't miss a prayer in 20 years.

A reporter worked in Israel. Every day she'd see the same Jewish man go to the religious "West Wall" three times a day and pray. He didn't miss a prayer in 20 years.
One day she approached him and asked what he prays for "In the morning I pray for my family's health, in the afternoon I pray for world peace, and in the evening I pray for an end to suffering"
"What's it like to pray 3 times a day for 20 years?" the reporter asked.
The Jewish man replied "It's a bit like talking to a brick wall"

Little Piano Player

A man walks into a bar. He looks at the counter and see a tiny man, no more than a foot tall, playing a piano just as small. So the man walks up to the bartender and asks him about the tiny piano player.

The bartender say "I got him from the genie in the mens bathroom"

So the man goes into the bathroom and see a woman inside talking to the genie

"I wish for world peace" she said

Then suddenly the room is flooded with geese. The man walks out of the bathroom and goes back to the bartender.

"I think your genie is a little hard of hearing" he says

"Yeah I know" the bartender replies "Do you really think I would wish for a 12 inch pianist"

Inner peace can be found, eventually

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

Peas shar to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident...

It's a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."

Kim Jong-un read War and Peace in a day.

At least I think that's why they call him Supreme Reader.

Christian Aliens

A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the pope's turn, he asks: **"Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"**. **"You mean J.C?"**, responds the alien **"yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok"**. Surprised, the pope follows up with **"He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"**. The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize **"maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"**. The pope retorts **"Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"**. The alien says **"Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"**

An angel walks into a bar

He walks up to a blind patron and heals him. The formerly blind man stands up shouting "I can see! It's a miracle!"

The angel smiles and walks up to a crippled man and restores his legs. The man does a dance of joy and hugs the angel, who tells him to go in peace.

The angel then walks among some government workers celebrating after work. One of them, a one-legged man with severe diabetes, lupus, and one eye looks at the approaching angel and says "don't touch me - I'm on disability"

A young woman accidentally summons a genie.

"What is your wish?" asked the genie.

"World peace!" blurted the idealistic but naive young woman.

"People give me that all the time. I am not that powerful. Sorry. Wish something less powerful." replied the genie.

"This dog is very loyal and loves me. Turn him into a man so he will also be loyal and loves me." the woman asks the genie.

The genie snaps his fingers. The dog turns into a handsome young man and the genie disappears.

The young man sadly looks at the woman and says "I really wish you didn't have me neutered."


________________


with inputs from /u/KJBenson

If the bird of peace if the dove, what's the bird of love?

The swallow.

My friend died from an explosion after lighting his fart on fire.

But I know he's at peace because the last thing he saw was a light at the end of his tunnel.

A couple was walking down the street when an alien spaceship landed in front of them...

An alien couple exited the spaceship and said, ''Hello, earthlings, we come in peace and we want you to tell us all about your planet.''

They talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It sounded very similar to the way the aliens did it so, in the interest of intergalactic friendship and exploration, they decided to trade partners for the night.

When the woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed. The alien looked down and said, ''Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.'' And he hit his head twice and it grew to epic proportions. The woman had the greatest sex of her life.

The next morning the man asked the woman, ''How was it?''

The woman replied, ''Great! You?''

The man said, ''It sucked. For some reason the alien woman kept hitting me on the head, screaming, 'It's broken! It's broken!'''

Alaskan retirement.

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."

"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"

"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

4 monks

Years ago, there were 4 monks going through the trials to reach their inner peace. They all excelled to the point of the last test; the test of purity. Each monk had a brass ring precariously hung off their dong. Then, the head monk chose the most beautiful woman from the village to walk naked in front of all the monks. Should any of the monks be aroused, their rings would drop and they'd fail the test. The woman went down the row. Monk #1; nothing. Number 2; not a stir. The 3rd monk stood stone faced and motionless. However, when the fourth monk was reached, his ring dropped. Horribly ashamed, he bent over to pick it up. Then the 3 other rings dropped.

From the death notice of a local newspaper: After a very hard and painfull life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace...

The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.

Rest In Peace, American Education

Coming to an end in DeVos't way imaginable.

Nobel Peace Prize

I would kill for one of those

It's true, women and children should always be rescued first.

Men deserve to rest in peace.

There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....

the Krauts have him tied up and they're interrogating him.

"Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"

The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next bombing raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination:

"Tell us about your nation's seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your other leg!"

The Pilot again heroically refuses, but once more requests that they drop the amputated limb over England on a bombing raid. The German interrogators are really angry now, and the Officer is apoplectic:

"You vill tell us all of your country's seekret plans, or vee vill beat you, and cut off your arms, miserable English svine!"

The Pilot, as much a stalwart as ever, refuses. "But please", he adds, "For my honour, take my dismembered arms and drop them over England on your next raid".

"NO!" The German replies, "Vee sink you are trying to escape!"

A man is attending the burial of his wife, who has just died.

When someone asks, 'Who is it who rests in peace here?', he answers, 'Me, now that I'm rid of her!'"

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?



Larry replies, God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.

Wow, that's incredible, the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry's wife.

Bonnie, he says, Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?

Oh sweet Jesus , exclaims Bonnie. He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

Not sure the origin of this but I heard it recently

So there's a black guy a Mexican guy and a bigot sitting on a park bench, the black guy finds a genie bottle, rubs it and genie comes out and says "thank you so much for freeing me! Ill give you each any wish you want!" The black guy says "I want me and my African brothers all to be in peace back in Africa." So he disappears and lives in peace in Africa. The Mexican says "I want all my fellow Mexicans to live in peace in Mexico" so he disappears. The bigot says "so the blacks are all in Africa and the Mexicans are all in Mexico right?" Genie says "yup" so the bigot says "ill have a diet Pepsi"

This may be controversial to most people, but i feel it must be said. I FULLY support flying the rebel flag.

How else are we supposed to show our support and remembrance of the battle of Hoth, and our willingness to topple the empire and bring peace to the galaxy?

Rest in Peace Billy Mays.

He partied like it was $19.95.

why do necromancers have to be hated so much?

i mean,cant a guy raise a family in peace?

Why was the scarecrow nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize?

Because he was out standing in his field

How do you make peace with a dog?

You give it a treaty.

Necrophiles and hippies are very similar

Both want peace and love.

One wish

"Waiter, does your band play anything by a guest's choice?"

"Of course!"

"Let them play a game of snooker then, so I can eat my dinner in peace!"

The son of a terrorist....

A teenage son of a terrorist was busted by his dad for skipping school.
"Farhad, why did you not attend school today?"
"Well," the boy said, "all my friends skipped school--"
"Ach! Farhad, must you always do what your friends do? I suppose if your friends wanted to live long, prosperous lives of peace and tranquility, you'd do that too, right?"

Two lions spoke at a funeral...

First lion sighed and said: "I'm really sorry about the loss of your kids, bro..."

Second lion nodded and bowed his head: "Yes, may they rest in peace. Sometimes I blame myself, but they were so delicious!!"

Peace Mr Gunther.

After a long, tough, life Mr Gunther, born on 21.06.1946 on a beautyfull suny day.
He has found his rest and peace.

The funeral of his wife will be held on Thursday.

How to make Peace jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Peace to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Peace? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Peace pick up lines to share with friends.

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