Peace And Love Jokes
40 peace and love jokes and hilarious peace and love puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about peace and love that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Peace And Love Short Jokes
Short peace and love jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The peace and love humour may include short peace and quiet jokes also.
- How do you call someone who loves to kiss people on their neck? Neck-romancer.
Also: One can not raise a family in peace these days. Its realy hard to be a necromancer... - Unfortunately, Verne Troyer passed away at 49, which is pretty young. But let's be honest, he pretty much always had a short life
Edit; we loved ya, rest in peace bud - So there was this place where people would all come.. In harmony, peace and love, and then tell a joke in that spirit.
So you are finally here.
Welcome. - Have you ever looked at your love ones asleep peacefully and thought: Ah! So that's how they'd look like in the coffin..
- If the Bald Eagle is the symbol of freedom and the Dove is the symbol of peace, what bird is the symbol of love? The s**....
- What does the s**...-bomber monk, who hates janitors but loves puns, do, before blowing himself up? He looks at the closest custodian and says
"PEACE IS EVERYWHERE!"
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Peace And Love One Liners
Which peace and love one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with peace and love? I can suggest the ones about peace and war and peace.
- Necrophiles and hippies are very similar Both want peace and love.
- Honk... If you love peace and quiet.
- Everyone Loves Star Wars I'm still holding out for Star Peace.
- Hannibal Lecter loves human meat. It lets him have a peace of mind.
- Rest in peace David Bowie I love your knives!
- If a dove is a bird of peace, what is a bird of true love? A s**....
- If the bird of peace if the dove, what's the bird of love? The s**....
- If a Dove is the 'Bird Of Peace' then what's the 'Bird Of True Love'? The s**...
Peace And Love Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about peace and love you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean world peace jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make peace and love pranks.
After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
Vladimir Putin just gave a statement about Russia's peace keeping operation in Ukraine
It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!
God and Canadians
When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice.
But the Devil said, "you are disturbing the balance of nature".
God thought about it, and said, "you are right. But I don't want to undo my work."
Devil: "well, there is only one way to fix this."
So God created Canadian Geese.
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."
A young tourist sees an old Jewish person praying in Western Wall
They approach him and ask "how long have you been praying here?"
the old man folds his Talit and answer "every day since my Bar Mitzvah so about 40 years".
"so what do you pray for?" they asked.
"for solidarity between jews around the world" he continues " for peace between muslims and jews, love and empathy between Israel and Palestine"
" and how do you feel about praying for these things for half a century?"
"like arguing with a wall" he replies.
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
Inner Peace
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ...
A parishioner compliments the minister after a sermon, saying, "Reverend, your words today were akin to the peace and love of God."
"Thank you," responds the minister, "Why do you say that?"
The parishioner explains, " Because the peace of God passes all understanding, and the love of God endures forever."
GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Becky was on her deathbed...
Becky was on her deathbed.
Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh.Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." "I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you"
A young woman accidentally summons a genie.
"What is your wish?" asked the genie.
"World peace!" blurted the idealistic but naive young woman.
"People give me that all the time. I am not that powerful. Sorry. Wish something less powerful." replied the genie.
"This dog is very loyal and loves me. Turn him into a man so he will also be loyal and loves me." the woman asks the genie.
The genie snaps his fingers. The dog turns into a handsome young man and the genie disappears.
The young man sadly looks at the woman and says "I really wish you didn't have me neutered."
________________
with inputs from /u/KJBenson
Jake was on his deathbed
His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
There were two friars from Mississippi...
They decided they weren't getting paid enough, but they were peaceful people and didn't want to protest. Instead, they got a second job. They opened a flower shop together.
It was going pretty well, and everybody loved the supposedly blessed flowers, but soon enough the competition got jealous. They claimed that it was i**... to sell the flowers in the name of the Lord.
Being Mississippi, the court sided in favor of the friars and said they could stay open. But the competition was still angry.
They were so angry, in fact, that they hired a t**... named Hugh to go "persuade" the friars to close their business. It wasn't even a day before the friars' shop was closed.
It all goes to show, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Martians arrive on earth...
They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the pope's turn to ask a question...
"I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ" the pope asks.
"Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party" the aliens respond
The pope looks baffled and says "You must be mistaken...Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since...why would he visit you so often?"
"well..." they look at each other "...maybe your chocolate wasn't good" the aliens offer
"Pardon me?" the pope asks
"Well, when Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate...what did you guys do?"
An elderly lady's husband just passed away and to get things ready she went to the place that sells and engraves tombstones...
When she got there, she ordered the most expensive tombstone she could afford. They were married 65 years after all and; had 6 children, made lots of money, traveled many places, made lots of memories, and loved each other very much of course.
When paying for the tombstone, they asked what she would like engraved in the stone. To which she replied, "To my dearest husband, you were my love and my life. I cannot wait to see you again one day. Rest In Peace" as it was a common and courteous thing.
Later that day she went to find out what she would get of her husbands remaining possessions, as it turns out, he didn't leave her a thing, nothing. Not one item, not one car, not one penny.
The elderly lady was so furious. How could she not get anything after all they have been through? She knew her husband was tight with his money but this had to be a mistake. Going over the papers for a second, third, and fourth time it stayed the same. Nothing for the lady.
So the following day she goes back to the place she ordered the tombstone and said to the man running it, "I would like something added to my late husbands tombstone. You can keep everything I had on it. Especially the, 'Rest in Peace' , but I want you to add 'Until I Get There'."
God enjoys a good laugh!!
(found on my FB newsfeed)
**There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:**
* He called everyone brother;
* He liked Gospel;
* He didn't get a fair trial.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:**
* He went into His Father's business;
* He lived at home until he was 33;
* He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:**
* He talked with His hands;
* He had wine with His meals;
* He used olive oil.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:**
* He never cut His hair;
* He walked around barefoot all the time;
* He started a new religion.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:**
* He was at peace with nature;
* He ate a lot of fish;
* He talked about the Great Spirit.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:**
* He never got married;
* He was always telling stories;
* He loved green pastures.
**But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:**
* He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food;
* He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it;
* And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Can I get an AMEN!!
Sam was dying.
His wife, Carol, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held
his fragile hand, with tears running down her face. Her praying roused him
from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Carol," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
In his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Carol.
"Everything's all right, just go to sleep."
No, no. I must die in peace, Carol I...I cheated on you!"
"I know," Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead.
"Just let the poison work".
Interview with the 3x Widow (Clean Joke)
A journalist for a local newspaper was an interviewing an old woman who had been married three times before and was about to embark on her fourth marriage at the ripe old age of 90.
**Interviewer**: "Please give me a quick run down of the men you married in the past",
**Old Lady**: "We'll my first husband was the CEO of a bank. He died from a heart attack from stress. God bless him.
My second husband was so much different. He was a circus performer. He could s**... swords, walk a tight rope, and tame lions. Unfortunately, one of the lions wasn't fed one day, and I was single once again.
My third husband was the minister for my past two husbands funerals. I'm happy to say that he passed away peacefully surrounded by his friends and family.
And my soon to be fourth husband is the mortician who buried all three of my former husbands. He has always been there for me and is a kind man. I love him dearly.
**Interviewer**: Wow, that's a quite variety of men. So how would you summarize your love life?
**Old Lady**: Well, I guess you could say, I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.