pays Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious pays puns

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

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A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

"Well, neither would Pete,"

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Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."


The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"


"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

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Unique Dildo!

A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

Salesman answers, "$35."

Blonde: "How much for the black one?"

Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

Salesman: "$35."

Black Woman: "How much for the white one?"

Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

Black Woman: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

Blonde: "Hmmmmm..., how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."

Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."

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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: Thanks. How much?

Bartender: T... ten... d... dollars

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Bartender: Sorry but... it's the very first time a talking horse comes into my bar

Horse: First and last. TEN DOLLARS A FUCKING COKE?

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A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"


The black guy says "You're joking."


The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

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When I...

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.

After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.

After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.

After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.

After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from Β£50 to Β£150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the Β£150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a Β£150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is on Thursday.

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A man walks into a bar......

An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.

This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.

The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."

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A kangaroo walks into a bar

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a twenty and the bartender figures, "What does a kangaroo know about money?" gives him a single in change.

Then his curiosity gets the better of him. "You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get a lot of kangaroos in this place."

The kangaroo replies sourly, "Yeah, and at $19 for a beer, you won't be getting many more."

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A truck driver pulls up to a rest stop to grab a quick meal

A big gang of bikers come in after him. They start to screw with the truck driver, throw food on him, etc, trying to start a fight or something. However the trucker doesn't fight back or say anything at all really. Finally he gets up, pays his bill, and leaves.

After he is gone the leader of the gang says to the waitress, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"

The waitress takes a look out the window and says "Well he isn't much of a truck driver either, he just ran over seventeen motorcycles!"

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A man walks up to a bartender...

and he says, "I bet you $2,000 that I can sit on your bar stool, spin around and pee nto that shot glass on the other side of the bar.". The bartender says, "Okay, lets see it.". Then the man starts and he pees all over the bar without a single drop landing in the shot glass. The bartender just laughs and then the man pays him the $2,000. The bartender then asks why he took the bet if he knew he couldn't do it. The man replies "I bet the three guys over there that I could pee all over your bar and all you would do is laugh for $10,000."

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Why do Jewish people watch porn backwards?

They like the part where the prostitute pays them

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A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms...

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus that can play any instrument in the world. Everyone laughs, so he says he'll bet $50. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, so the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says, "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I get its pajamas off."

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A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and belly up to the bar. They all order pints of various beers and drink in silence. A moment later, three flies buzz in and land in each of their glasses.
The Englishman, quite plainly disgusted, pays his tab and leaves. The Scotsman gives the fly an inquisitive look and picks it out of his pint and flicks it in the floor. The Irishman scowls at the fly and picks it up by the wings and starts shaking it over his glass yelling,"Spit it out you bastard!"

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A joke from Soviet times

Here's one my 84 years old grandfather told me. It's a joke from Soviet times.

A man hooks up with a whore and pays her for an hour. They get to a staircase of a commie block house where all the lightbulbs are broken and it's very dark there.

He manages to last only 5 minutes and then he's done.

She asks if she may leave, but he responds Β«No, wait for me hereΒ» and goes out to the street. There he finds another man and asks him if he wants to have a whore for 50 minutes for half the price.

The man agrees and goes into the house. Meanwhile a policeman spots their deal and goes after him with a flashlight. He finds the two at the staircase.

β€” Who do you fuck there? β€” asks the policeman.

β€” My wife.

β€” I don't think so, it's a whore!

β€” Well, I also thought it was a whore... until you've turned the flashlight on!

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There was a priest who was "selling forgiveness"..

A woman comes through and tells him that she had sex 5 times. She asks for forgiveness and gives him five dollars. Another woman comes. She pays him 6 dollars because she had sex 6 times. The priest suddenly has something to do and notices a man behind him who had been watching, so the priest asks the man to replace him while he is gone. When the priest finishes he comes back and notices the man having sex with a woman in the church, and begins yelling at the man. The man says, "Sorry, Father! She had a ten dollar bill and I had no change!"

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A Greek, a Spaniard and a Portuguese all walk into a bar. Who pays?

Germany.

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A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, "You fool! Just think of the odds we can get next time!"

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What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

Nobody pays to have a garbanzo bean on their face.

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A guy walks into a whorehouse...

A guy walks into a whorehouse and says he wants to get laid. He sees a pretty girl and asks the owner how much for 30 minutes with her. The owner tells him the price and unfortunately it's way out of his price range. So he asks if there are any cheaper girls available and the owner says that she thinks she can help him. She tells him to head up to room number 11 and the girl will be in bed waiting for him. The man happily agrees, pays his money, and heads up to the room to meet his lady. He enters the room and sure enough there is a girl in bed waiting for him. He quickly does the deed, and as he is leaving he notices some white fluid coming out of her eye and ear. Not wanting to be rude, he just gets dressed and leaves the room. As he is leaving he mentions to the owner that he noticed the girl had something coming out of her eye and ear. The owner, not looking surprised or concerned, then yells into the back "Hey, the dead one's full again!"

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A guy sees a sign that reads, "help stop my horse from crying. $500.00". The guy whispers in the horses ear and the horse begins to laugh non-stop. Farmer pays him his money and away he goes.

A year later he sees the sign and it reads, "make my horse stop laughing, $1,000.00". So the guy goes behind the barn and the horse starts crying again. The farmer divvies out the funds and says,"I gotta know, what did you do?" The guy says, "well when he was crying I told him my dick was bigger than his and when he wouldn't stop laughing, I showed him"!

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Drug Store Condom Shopping

A man walks up to the counter of a drug store and asks to buy some condoms. The extremely attractive woman behind the counter asks what size he would like.

"Huh, I don't know really. I don't know how to tell."

The woman then asks the man to drop his pants, she reaches over the counter, grabs his penis, then says over the speaker, "Medium condoms to counter 7". The man pays for his condoms and leaves.

A 16 year old boy sees this and decides to try the same thing. He goes up to the counter and asks for some condoms. The woman asks what size he would like, and he says, "Huh, I don't know. I don't really know how to tell."

The woman tells him to drop his pants, she reaches over the counter, grabs his penis, then says over the speaker, "Clean up at counter 7."

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In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,

'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'

'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'

'The plumber is coming in the morning'.

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Sprem vs Blood

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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A Girl gets on the bus holding a baby...

...and the bus driver sees her and says

"What an ugly baby!" The girl is mortified.


She pays and sits in the back, crying. And old guy is there and asks her:

"What happened, dear?"


She answers:


"That damn bus driver was SO rude to me!"


And then the old man says:

"Well my dear, then go over there and tell him what you think! I'll hold your monkey for you!"

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The Perfect Businessman

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

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A woman wish to buy a Parrot. The prices are $50, $100, $400 and $15.Then she asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper.Then she pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When her husband gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Two CPU's walk into a bar...

Which one pays?

[the one with more cache](#s)

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The Irishman and the three beers

An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him:

* Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time?

To what the Irish answers:

* Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for each of my brothers

The bartender leaves the man alone and he becomes a regular going daily for years, everyone who visited the bar knew about the Irishman and his three beers but one day he enters the bar and orders 2 beers, everyone gets quiet and the bartender says:

* I'm sorry for your loss, your brother is in a better place now

To what the Irishman responded:

* My brothers are fine I just quit drinking

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Two men are at a train station....

First man goes to the ticket counter and is flustered by the attendant's huge breasts. He stammers out "Uh..I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh...I mean..Pittsburgh".

Embarrassed, he pays and goes back to his friend and tells him "Man, I just had the worst Freudian slip...I asked for 'pickets to Tittsburgh'".

His friends responds "That's nothing. Last night at dinner, I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt and instead I said 'You ruined my life you fucking bitch!'".

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So a Texan goes to England

So a Texan goes to London, England. He pays a cab driver a large some of money to give him a tour of the city. The cab driver first drives by Westminster Abby.

The Texan asks "Cabbie, what's this building?"

The cab driver replies "This is Westminster Abby."

The Texan replies "Huh. Back in Texas, we can put up buildings like this in two weeks."

The cab driver then drives past the London Tower.

"Cabbie, what building is this?"

"This is the London Tower, sir."

"Meh, in Texas we can put up buildings like this in a week."

Finally, the cab driver driver drives by Buckingham palace.

"Cabbie, what building is this?"

"I don't know sir, it wasn't here this morning."

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A Vampire walks into a bar and asks for a...

...a pint of blood and some crisps.

Barmaid replies sorry we dont do blood here, only crisps.
"Ah thats ok I'll have the crisps" replies the Vampire - he pays for them and sits down.

A second Vampire walks in and asks for the pint of blood and some peanuts. Again the barmaid tells him there's no blood, just peanuts . Like the first vampire he takes the peanuts and sits next to the first.

A third Vampire walks in and asks the barmaid for a pint of water and some pork scratchings. the barmaid gives the vampire what he asks for and sits down next to the other two.

"Water?! whats wrong with you!? why not blood?!" asks the first vampire

"Oh thats easy!" replies number three. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used tampon. "Never heard of a T-bag?"

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A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill?

They each pay for their own because men aren't complicated

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A sailor is on shore leave for the first time in weeks

...first thing he does is go to the next whorehouse, where he pays the first available hooker to give him a blowjob.
She goes down on him and sucks away for 15 minutes, before she looks up and says: "Man, doesn't your dick ever get hard?" to which the sailor replies:
"It's not supposed to get hard. It's supposed to get clean."

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Dirty Joke

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.

The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"

And the monk replies "this IS my inner piece."

Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"

The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.

"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.

The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."

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An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.

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A man and his girlfriend (NSFW)...

A man and his girlfriend finish having sex for the first time, the girl then proceeds to rub his testicles, to which the man pays no attention and enjoys. After they have sex again, she rubs his testicles, as usual, and the man asks her "why do you rub my balls every time we finish having sex?", to which the woman replies "because I miss my old ones"

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What's different between Trump and the Lannisters?

A Lannister always pays his debts.

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A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand

So the buddhist gets his hot dog, one with everything. Pays the hot dog vendor with a 20$ bill. The vendor takes the money, and then nothing. The buddhist is confused for a moment, until the vendor replies.

Change must come from within.

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A man's father has just passed...

The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.

A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".

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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe...

And says," Bartender! Get me a beer and one for my Giraffe as well!" so the two stand around drinking for hours until the Giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays for him and the Giraffe and starts to leave when the bartender says," Hey! You can't leave that lyin' on the floor!" The man replies," That's not a lion, it's a Giraffe."

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A cheap blowjob.

A poor man is walking in Amsterdam, desperately looking for a blowjob. He meets an elderly woman who tells him to go to the blowjobmachine around the corner. The man follows her advice and finds the machine. He pays 10 euros and receives the best blowjob he ever had.

Later that day, the man decides to go back for round 2 but discovers that he only has 5 euros left. He decides to go for it anyway, hoping the machine would accept it. He was right and the blowjob starts. A few moments later he feels the most terrible pain, he pulls his dick out and sees blood coming out of it. He screams, asking what happened, when the elderly woman steps out of the machine telling him: "Did you actually believe I would take out my dentures for 5 euros!".

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Bank on it..

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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My friend works at a brothel...

One day a japanese man came in. He said: 'I will pay you double for an hour, but I will get an orgasm about 52 times. When I do I go outside take a quick brake and come back.' My friend agrees and the man pays two times the normal prices.

The man goes up and in less then 60 seconds he comes down and runs outside. This happens about 50 times when the japanese man doesn't come back. My friend decides to run after him and he sees and old woman. 'Did you see a japanese man?' He asks. The woman answers: 'No, but a just saw a bus full of japanese driving away.'

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[NSFW] A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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$20 for a handjob

A man cruising down the street decides to pick up a hooker on the corner. She gets in his car and he asks "How much for a handjob?" The whore replies that it will cost $20.00. The guy pays her and she starts jerking him off.

Right about this time, a police officer comes by, shining his flashlight into the vehicle. "Get out of the car!" he yells. "You're under arrest for prostitution!" he tells the woman.

"I'm not a prostitute!" she protests, "I'm just a hired hand!"

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United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane"

Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

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A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda

They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one

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A rich and proud man dies while his son is out of the country.

The son calls the funeral director and says he wants the best for his father's funeral and will settle the bill when he gets back. A few weeks later the son returns and pays the $22,000 charge. A bill comes the following week for $79. The son pays that as well. The next week another $79 bill arrives. The son calls the funeral director. "Why do you keep sending me bills for $79?" he asks.
"You said you wanted the best for your father" replies the funeral director "so I rented him a tux."

-APHC

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Constipation

A nun walks into liquor store and asks for a half whiskey. The shopkeeper looks at her inquisitively, she adds,

"It's for Mother Superior's constipation."

So the shopkeeper says, "OK."

She pays for the whiskey and leaves. Two hours later, the shopkeeper closes the store and walks home through a park.

He spots the same nun in the park sitting on a bench, roaring drunk.

"Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation".

"It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me drunk, she'll shit!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Old man dies

In his funeral, the priest starts to speak and pays homage to the deceased: "He was a loving man, a devout Christian, a good husband, he raised two wonderful sons..."

The widow turns to her son and tells him discretly: "Go up there take a look at the coffin and make sure it's your dad."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Willie saw some dynamite

Willie saw some dynamite,
Couldn't understand it quite;
Curiosity never pays:
It rained Willie seven days.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

She sure showed him.

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...

... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished whoring for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When 2 prostitutes have sex, who pays?

Me πŸ˜€

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A proton, an electron, & a neutron walk into a bar...

...the proton orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet and pays the bartender.

the electron orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet and pays the bartender.

the neutron orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet.. the bartender stops him and says, "wait...for you, no charge..."

thank you, I'm here all week...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lawyer is about to go home for the night...

...when a client shows up, asking for his council. The lawyer decides to stay late and work with the client. Afterwards, the client asks how much he owes for the lawyer's time.
"One hundred dollars," the lawyer responds.

The client pays him and walks out, at which point the lawyer realizes it's two hundred dollar bills stuck together. This leaves the lawyer with a moral dilemma...

Does he tell his partner?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A short man walks into a bar

Upon walking in, something drips on him from the ceiling. He looks up and sees a piece of steak. He asks the bartender why there's a steak on the ceiling.

The bartender tells him if he could jump up and touch the steak, he gets free drinks for the rest of the night. If he misses, he pays for everyone's drink.

The man looks at the steak, then back at the bartender and says....

'The steaks are too high.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just found out that the sperm bank pays

All these years, money has been running through my fingers

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What is the difference between a lentil and chick pea?

No one pays $300 to have a lentil on their chest.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Trumpets and Gun

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde and a brunette are watching the news...

A blonde and a brunette are watching the news, and they are showing a woman standing on top of a building contemplating suicide. The brunette says, "I'll bet you fifty dollars, that woman jumps and kills herself." The blonde accepts the bet. After a while the woman jumps and dies. The blonde pays the brunette fifty dollars. After some time the brunette feels bad and says, "I cheated. I saw that story on the news two hours earlier. Here is the fifty dollars you gave me." The blonde says, "So did I, but I figured she would be smart enough to not jump this time."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks up to a bartender

A man walks up to a bartender and tells him "I bet you $5,000 I can pee into a cup all the way across your bar."

The bartender, knowing this is impossible, agrees. They set it up and the man starts peeing all over the place, missing the cup completely. The bartender gets begins to cheer because he know he just won $5,000.
The man walks over to his friends and comes back to the bartender. He pays the bartender his money with a grin on his face. The bartender asks him "Why are you so happy? You just lost $5,000."

The man replies "I know, but I bet my friends $10,000 dollars that you would cheer while I pee all over the bar."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a guy walls into a bar

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. The guy had a few beers, but the giraffe ends up getting totally wasted and passes out on the floor. The man pays and just add he is about to walk out the door the bartender shouts "hey! Don't leave that lyin' there!" And the man says back "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy bets a bartender 200 bucks that he can piss clear across his bar.

The guy stands on the bar and starts pissing all over the place on the bar, the stools and the patrons not even close to across the bar. Everyone is laghing at his failed attempt as he pays the 200 bucks. The bartender asks why he's laghing after he just lost the bet he replies I just bet the guy outside $400 that I could piss all over your bar and all you would do is stand there and laugh.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

For my brothers back home in Ireland.

An Irishman walks into a bar one night and orders three beers from the bartender. After drinking them he pays and goes home. The next night he comes back and orders three beers again, pays and goes home.


This continues for a couple weeks before the bartender finally asks "why do you always buy three beers?" The Irishman replies "One for me, and two for my brothers back home in Ireland." He then drinks his three beers and goes home.


After a month or so, the Irishman walks into a bar and tell the bartender "I'll have two beers, please!" The bartender, confused, asks him why only two. "Did one of your brothers back home die?" he asks.


"No," replies the Irishman. "I quit drinking."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The memo

An older man hires a guy every fall and his only job is to use my leaf blower and get the leaves out my yard.

He only pays in checks though. Just so he may write "thanks for the blow" on the memo line.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man needs to inflate his tyres...

...so he stops at a petrol station, and finds that the air pump needs a token from the petrol station shop in order to work.

The man goes in and asks for one of the tokens.

"That will be 25p" says the cashier, who he pays and gets the token.

The man returns to his car and starts inflating his tyres, and swears as he realises the machine ran out of time half way through.

He goes back into the shop and asks for another token.

"That will be 50p" says the cashier.

"What?!" exclaims the man "It was 25p a minute ago!"

The cashier shrugs and replies "That's inflation for you"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A joke for Europe

A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab?

A German.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A homeless man buys a bottle of wine

He passes out on the street after drinking it all. A man on his way back home sees this and fucks the homeless dude in the ass, then puts 50$ in his pocket.

The next day, he buys another bottle of wine with the 50$ he found in his pocket. Same thing happens, and the man fucks and pays him again.

On the following night, the homeless man goes to the store and asks for a bottle of whiskey.

"No wine today?" the shopkeeper asks.

"Nah, wine makes my butt hurt in the morning"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why could Donald Trump never be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jesus walks in to an employment office

The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"

"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies

"Can I ask what skills you have?"

"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"

The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer

"Well I have two carpentry jobs, Jesus, one is in Edinburgh, big job, and it pays about Β£2000 per month! The other one I have is in Jerusalem, and get this Jesus, it pays Β£10,000 per month"

Jesus mulls it over and says "I think I'll apply for the job in Edinburgh"

"But Jesus, the job in Jerusalem pays five times as much"

"But yes the last time I worked there I got nailed by tax"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Zen Master and the Hot Dog

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

(edited for multifariousness.)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

No one pays to have a garbanzo bean on their face.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ethics done right

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Farmer Brings His Horse Into a Bar

He bets that the first person to make his horse laugh he would give $100. Many try, until one man steps up and puts his mouth to the horses ear and the horse begins to laugh. The farmer is amazed and pays the man $100. The next day the same farmer brings the same horse to the bar and bets that the first person to make his horse cry he would give $100. Many try, until the same man who won yesterday walks up and asks the farmer if the horse can follow him to the restroom, to which the farmer agrees. The horse follows the man and after a few minutes the horse walks out of the restroom crying. The farmer is again amazed and after paying the man $100 he asks how did you manage to make my horse laugh yesterday and cry today? The man replied, "Well it was easy, yesterday I told him my dick was bigger than his and today I showed him "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."

The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got a job at the circus circumcising baby elephants.

It pays peanuts, but the tips are huge.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cowboy walks into a bar...

And orders a beer. He drinks it, pays the bartender and walks out. 3 seconds later he bursts back in and yells "WHICH ONE OF YOU STOLE MAH HOSS!?". There's no reply. " AH'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T OUTSIDE WHEN I'M FINISHED, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!". He has his second beer, walks outside and sees his horse hitched back up outside the bar. As he gets up on to the horse, the bartender wanders out and asks, "Say, pardner, what *did* you do in Texas?". To which the cowboy replies, " I had to bloody walk home".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys some antibiotics, pays $25.45, walks out. A second later, the pharmacist bolts out of the pharmacy, catches up with the man, and breathlessly says: "sir, there's been a mistake! Instead of the antibiotics, I gave you Cyanide. " The man asks: "and what's the difference?" The pharmacist says: "two dollars and ten cents".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Know how much a pirate pays for corn?

Bucaneer

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A monk walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

~~~

So he pays for his meal and asks for his change.

The vendor shrugs and retorts smugly, "Change comes from within."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot, and notices the price is only $5. She asks the shopkeeper why its so cheap

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $5.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a bar...

.... with a giraffe.
They sit down at the bar and start drinking beer after beer and shot after shot.

Finally, the giraffe passes out and falls to the floor. The guy pays the tab and is just about to leave when the bartender says: "Hey! You gonna leave that lyin' there?" - "Not a lion, a giraffe!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman goes to buy a parrot; the prices are: $100, $200 and $15

She asks "How come one is only $15?"


"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.


When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.


When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.


When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck

and says make me one with everything. The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. Where's my change? the monk asks. The vendor replies, change comes from within

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $200, $150, $100, and $15. She asked why the last one is so cheap?

Because he used to live in a brothel says the shopkeeper. She pays $15

When she gets home the parrot says Fuck me, a new brothel! The women laughs.

When her daughters gets home from school the parrot says Fuck me, two new prozzies! The girls laugh as well.

When the dad gets home the parrot says Fuck me Ken, I haven't seen you in weeks!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There's this lady who works in a bank...

... her name is Patricia Wack, but all her friends and colleagues call her Pattie. She's very good at her job. One of those people who pays painful and pedantic attention to detail, does everything by the book, and is generally a bit annoying, but does a great job as a bank teller.


One day, while she's going about her daily tasks, a frog hops up onto her counter.


"I want a loan," says the frog.


"Have you filled out the application?" asks Patricia.


"No," replies the frog. "I don't need to bother with all that bullshit. Just go and get your manager. I've dealt with him before, and he'll give me the loan."


"Hang on," says Patricia, "I don't see any paperwork or ID, and I don't know the first thing about you. I don't know if you're having me on, or trying to defraud the bank. What's your name?"


"Kermit Jagger," says the frog.


"Now you're really having me on," says Patricia. "Get out of this bank before I call the police."


"No, seriously, go talk to your manager," says the frog. He digs around in his pocket and pulls out a Mr Bean Bobblehead. "Take this and give it to him. He'll know what it is."


Patricia reluctantly takes the toy, and walks upstairs to her manager's office. She knocks on the door, and he waves her in.


"What is it, Pattie?" He asks.


"Well, sir, there's a frog downstairs wanting a loan, but has none of the necessary documents or ID. He says he knows you, and to give you this." With that she places the bobblehead on the manager's desk.


The manager looks at it for a little while, smiles and says, "No worries, Pattie. You can go ahead and approve him up to $20,000."


"But sir!!! He has no ID or credit history with him! He didn't bring any paperwork, and won't do this by the book at all! What's going on, anyway? And what is that... toy that he made me bring to you, anyway?? What's that got to do with it?"


The manager sighs, leans forward, and says, "It's a nick-nack, Pattie Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and his Giraffe walk into a bar

So a man and a Giraffe walk into a bar, they stroll up to the bar and order a few drinks. Now after about an hour the Giraffe who has had far too much passes out, the man seeing this pays his tab and gets up to leave and the bar tender shouts: "Oi! You can't leave that lyin' there!" To which the man replys:

"That's not a Lion it's a Giraffe"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.

It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Old man pays a visit to the doctor

An old man enters a packed doctors office waiting room. He steps up to the front desk. The woman behind the desk asks him, "how can we help you today?" The old man replies, rather loudly, "I think there's something wrong with my penis." The woman was shocked. "Sir, where are your manors? You should have said there was something wrong with your ear or something then explained to the doctor later!" The man thought about it for a minute then stepped outside. He came back in and went back to the front desk. "How can we help you now sir?" The old man said, "I think there's something wrong with my ear." The woman, pleased with herself, said, "ok and what's wrong with your ear?" The old man explained, "I can't piss out of it!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a 98 year old Jewish guy...

....wins a $250,000,000 lottery. He has to take the lump some, and knows he'll never spend it all, so he throws a huge party. Everyone from his Temple and everyone else he knows is there. He hands out scholarships that will last generations. He pays for great Grand children's weddings in advance. He pays off mortgages and debt for friends and family alike.Trusts are set up and charitable donations are listed off by the dozens. Toasts are made, and everyone cheers the old man. But then a murmur ripples through the crowd. Word is spreading that he made a $2,000,000 donation to the American Nazi Party! His friends and family are horrified! They start streaming out of the party, some in tears! The old man stands up at the podium with his left arm in the air, his right hand pointing at his wrist and says "Wait,Wait! You don't understand! They gave me the winning number!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Spanish, Greek and Portuguese man go to a bar. Who pays for the drinks?

The German!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hard work pays off in in the future

Laziness pays off now

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Based on a true story (programming, walks into a bar)

Two programmers walk into a bar. The Python programmer orders an orange juice. The C programmer gets a look of disgust and says "You're in a bar! You should order an alcoholic drink!" The Python programmer gets his juice, pulls out his wallet, and pays for his drink. The C programmer tells the bartender, "I want a hard whiskey, and put it on my tab." The Python programmer gets a look of disgust and shouts "Tab?!?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Spaniard, an Irish man, and a Greek go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A zen master visits New York City.

He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."Β 
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.Β 
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Zen master.Β 
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Men Are In A Farm

And they come across a donkey and one man says to the other " I bet you fifty dollars I can make that donkey laugh!" The other says "you're on!" The man goes to the donkey and in less than 30 seconds the donkey is laughing hysterically. Then he goes back to his friend and says "pay up!" the friend pays him and the other guy says "I bet you another $50 I can make him cry!" "All right then" replies the other. The man goes back to the donkey and and soon after the donkey is crying his eyes out. The other man shocked in amazement asks "how did you do that!?" "it's simple first I told him my dick is bigger than his" other says "ok I guess thats funny, but how did you make him cry?" "oh thats simple I showed it to him!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

John is in an elevator and another woman enters.

John is in an elevator and another woman enters.

He politely asks, "Which floor?"

The woman replies, "Third please."

He replies, "Oh, are you donating blood at the blood center?"

"Yes, I am! Just need some quick money, having kind of a financial crisis."

"Oh I see. Same here actually, but I'm going to the fifth floor to donate sperm. It pays more."

The elevator reaches the third floor and they say goodbye.

A week later, John comes back, enters the elevator and sees the same woman running to it.

John asked, "Third floor, I suppose?"

"Fifth, actually." She replies, with a mouth-full.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman walks into a grocery store...

... she grabs a 2 liter bottle of coke zero and a big bag of sugar. she pays for the pop and leaves the store. she is later arrested fro shoplifting. when the police ask why she payed for the coke but not the sugar she said "well it said sugar free"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What is the difference between a Lannister and a Greek?

A Greek never pays his debts.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes to see a prostitute

... but she admits she's willing to do anything but sex because she's on her period.

The man is about to leave disappointed when she tells him that she's got a fake eye, and she can pop it out and he's welcome to fuck her eye socket.

Well shoot, that's a bit weird but I don't wanna come all the way here for nothin'

He pays up, does his business and is amazed by how good it felt.

I wasn't sure at first but god damn that was great! I'll be coming back for more!

Well good, she replies, I'll keep an eye out for you

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a man walks into a bar...

And he sits down to have a drink, as he's drinking he spots a jar with money in it and asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender responds "oh its a challenge, if you can make the horse in the back laugh you can keep the money it's only five bucks to try." the man thinks about it and pays the five bucks. He comes back five seconds later with the horse laughing like crazy he picks up the jar and leaves. This went on for two more days and finally the bartender changes the challenge to making the horse cry. The man comes in and sees the change thinks about it and goes out, five seconds later he comes in and the horse is crying! Amazed the bartender asks "how did you do it" to which the man replies "on the first two days i told him my dick was bigger than his and today i showed him" :)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Vampire walks into a bar…

He walks up to the bar and asks for a shot of blood. He drink it, pays for it and leaves. A second vampire walks in, orders a shot of blood, drinks it, pays for it and leaves.
Third vampire walks in and asks for a mug of hot water. The bartender, perplexed, asks, "why didn't you order a shot of blood like the other vampires?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and replies, "tea-time!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Johnny's math skills

The village priest pays a visit to the local primary school. After introducing himself and his church, he also wants to see how much the kids have learnt already and asks little Johnny: "So Johnny, if you have 8 appples and you give me 4, how many apples do you have left?" "4, Sir", little Johnny replies. "Very well done!", the priest responds. "And if you have 3 sausages and I give you an additional 5, how many sausages do you have then?" he questions little Johnny further. "Sir, this question I cannot answer, because we haven't calculated with sausages yet".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

This guy goes to Vegas and wins $10,000. Excited he decides to get himself a prostitute, find the most beautiful one, takes her to the room asks" how much for sex"?
"Sex"? Says the prostitute "I jerk ppl off for $5,000"
5,000 for a jerk? You must be crazy!!
So prostitute comes to the window and says" see all of these bars? I own them all just from the money I make on hand jobs.
So the guy pays her $5000 and get the best jerk/orgasm he ever had in his life.
Comes back to Vegas a month later, wins $25,000 finds the same prostitute takes her upstairs says what can I get for 25,000
She says for 25,000 ill give you head.
Are you crazy? 25,000 for head?
She pulls him to the window, shows all of the small casinos and says" I bought them with the BJ money I made!
Guy pays her and gets the best BJ ever.
Comes back to Vegas, wins 100,000 and is now determined to have sex for 100,000. Fuids the girl, takes her upstairs, pulls out 100,000 says I want sex.
She brings him to the window, shows the entire Vegas, guy says" OMG, you own this entire city just because of your pussy"??
She replies " I would have if I had one"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy is hungry and is looking for something to eat.

He approaches a hot dog stand and asks, 'how much is a hot dog?'


'$3 for one and 3 for $10', replied the hotdog vendor


Surprised by this rate, he ponders a bit and says, 'In that case, I'll have one' and pays $3. Then he proceeds to order another one and pays $3 and then another one till he has three hot dogs and quips, 'You see, people like you will never succeed in any business. I just bought 3 hotdogs for $9'.

'Yeah, but... I just sold 3 hotdogs!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says make me one with everything ...

The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. Excuse me, but where's my change? asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, Change must come from within.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've spent a lot of my life in brothels.

I'm not proud of it, but it pays the bills.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Could have been a rich man

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over and asked, "What's the problem, pal?"

"My brother just told me there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."

"Yeah, so?" "Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers! -

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Buddhist Monk goes into a burger place and with a facetious smile on his face he says "Make me one with everything", smirking at his own wit he pays with a $100 Note. The Monk receives his Burger in due course and little else. A touch perplexed he says "I paid with a $100! Don't i get any change?"

To which the The Cashier serenely replies; "Change comes from within."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a Greek and a Lannister?

A Lannister always pays his debts.

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Donald Trump's lawyer walks into a bar…

... And sits down next to Trump.

He says, "I'm sorry but I can't really help you. You're looking at life in prison for treason."


Frustrated, Trump pays the bartender and storms out. On his way out he accidentally bumps into Mike Pence.


He says to Pence, "Pardon me."

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New cowboy in town

There's this cowboy that rides into town on his horse and heads for the saloon. He ties his horse outside, walks in and starts drinking at the bar. Now the townsfolk have a thing for pulling pranks on out of towners so they hide his horse. He finishes drinking, pays his tab, walks out to see that his horse is missing, walking back inside all eyes are on him.
He says, "Now whoever took my horse, best that you return him. I don't want to do what I did in the last town. Trust me it wasn't good. Now i'm going to have one more beer and by the time i'm done with it my horse better be outside where it last was."
Now the townspeople get scared and quickly return the horse. As he's saddling up about to ride away the bartender a little curious goes outside and ask him what happened in the last town.
"I had to walk home." He replies.
Would be a million times better if i had the old western dialog in it but still one of my favorite jokes.

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A rich snail walks into a car dealership

The rich snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing Mercedes, Ferraris, Bugattis, and tons of other high end cars he decides on one.

So the rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships auto body guy and says "I want you to paint big S's all the this car, big S's on the front, the sides, the back, the top, big S's everywhere. The auto body guy tells him he can do it sure, but can't help to ask the snail why he wants big S's all over the car.

So the rich snail answers him "so when I fly past people on the highway, they point and say

"WOW! Look at that S Car Go!!"

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My friend told me that sperm bank pays you $60 per shot

Boy, do I have an expensive sock under my bed!!

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Why can't Trump ever be a Lannister?

He may have the incest part down, but he never pays his debts.

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A Canadian walks into a bar

has a drink, pays his tab, and leaves.

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I spend more time at the whorehouse than I do at home.

Don't judge me, it pays the bills.

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A little girl gets on the bus with her mom...

A little girl gets on the bus with her mom…

The mom pays a single adult cash fare.

The driver asks her "How old is your daughter?"

-- She's 5, answers the mother.

Now, turning to the little girl, the driver asks

-- And when will you turn 6, sweetie?

-- As soon as we get off the bus.

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A blonde goes to the dry cleaners

She hands him her dress which has a huge stain in the front. She pays him and says "I need this dress for a party. So can you please get it cleaned by Thursday?" Now the dry cleaner was very old and couldn't hear properly so he asks her "Come again?"
The blonde blushes furiously and says "No, it is mayonnaise this time"

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Apparently the norwegian government pays for you to hire convicts

I guess there are some pro's to hirin a con.

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Your moment of Zen

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

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Smart blonde joke

Whoah, I know. Here it is: so a blonde walks into a bank and asked to borrow a $500 loan. The bank needs some colleratal so she gives the bank her Rolls Royce. After a couple of months she comes back and promptly pays the loan back. The bank clerk asked why she borrowed the money if she could pay it back easily.
She said, "cheapest parking in San Francisco."

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Why didn't Greece vote for Tyrion?

Because a Lannister always pays his debts.

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A Bitcoin trader walks into a bar

He walks up to the bar, orders a whiskey, pays the bartender one bitcoin and says, "By this time tomorrow it might be worth a million bucks!"

The bartender pours him a glass of water and says, "By this time tomorrow it might be Scotch."

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I just met the most poor guy on this planet

He is the most hated person in his city despite being a nice guy, his boss pays him almost no money, his best friend is a total idiot, the only girl that talks to him lives in her own bubble, and the worst:





He lives in a pineapple under the sea.....

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How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We will never know because after he screws something he pays it $130,000 not to tell anyone.

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I'm fed up with

being the only one who cleans the house, cooks every meal, does the dishes, the laundry and pays the bills.

I mean I live by myself, but still.

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A Greek, Spaniard and a Portuguese all go into a brothel, who pays?

Germany.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.

He downs them all, pays, and leaves. The bartender was a bit confused at it, but not enough to ask why. The next day, the same thing. And the next. The bartender's curiosity is piqued at this point, so he asks the man why he keeps buying 3 beers. He explains, "My 2 buddies and I used to drink together every night. Since they've shipped away, I've decided to drink their beers in their honor so I may never forget." A noble effort, the bartender thinks, so he gladly serves the man 3 beers every night. One night, the man only orders 2 beers. The bartender asks him why only two, and the man responds, "I've decided to stop drinking."

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What is the difference between hardwork and trying to build a career as an artist?

hardwork pays

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A man on his trip to Spain decides to try a local delicacy.

The waiter brings him a meatball looking dish. The guy relishes it and asks him what it was. The waiter replies: "oh we have a lot of bull fights here, this dish are the testicles of the bull that lost the fight".

The man isn't happy but pays and leaves. Few days later he goes back to the same restaurant and orders the same dish. However this time the portion size is very small.

He asks the waiter: "why is the portion size small today"?

The waiter replies: "you see sir, the bull doesn't always loose the fight"

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Working in an Action Man factory pays very well indeed...

You can make six figures in an hour.

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Blonde at the doctor's office

A gorgeous blonde pays a visit to a gynecologist. She undresses and lays down waiting for the doc. The doc enters the room and he's mesmerized by her beauty, totally loses his mind, and soon, starts having sex with her.

She's quiet and not responsive, and the doc asks: You do realize what I'm doing, right?

She says: Of course, taking out my herpes.

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A woman goes to buy a parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $3500. She asks 'Why is the last one so expensive?'

"Because if he was any cheaper, people would be reposting him every week" says the shopkeeper. She pays $3500.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, an original content!" the woman laughs.

When her daughters gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, only 2 upvotes!". The girls laugh too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Evening, Pete".

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A women with no arms and legs...

A women with no arms and legs was sitting on a beach alone. Feeling lonely and never having the love of a man before she thought she would be brave and ask the next man that walks by to make love to her. The first man walks by and the women asks "Please MR would you screw me? The man looks at her and declines then goes on his way. A second man walks past more desperate this time she asks "PLEASE MR can you do me?! The man pays no attention and keeps walking. Some time passes and finally one more man walks by her. "PLEASE MR! WOULD YOU FUCK ME?!?! I want to feel like it like to be fucked!!!" The man looks down at the women and to her joy picks her up... He carries the women down the beach to the water and tosses her in and claims: "now you're fucked"

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Personally, I think one of the greatest things..

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

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What do you call someone who always pays attention while driving?

A reckless driver.

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An 80-year old man walks into a bar

He walks over to the bartender and orders a beer when the bartender asks for ID. Are you kidding me? I'm 80 years old the old man says. The bartender apologizes, still resisted he had to see the guys ID. So the old man pays and gives the bartender the change back It's for carding me, I take it as a compliment!
The bartender says Thanks, works every time

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My moms favourite joke

A man comes to a gas station to refuel his car (duh).
He pays and comes back outside only to find his car filled with penguins.
Baffled, he asks the cahshier what to do now and the man tells him to take them to the Zoo. The man agrees and drives away.

The next day the man comes back and his car is still full off penguins, only this time they all have towels and sunglasses. The cashier looks confused and the man says "The Zoo was a great tip, today we are going to the beach!"

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A Grek and an Italian go into a restaurant

Who pays?
The German.
Haha

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What are the best Pays puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Pays? Well, here are the best jokes about Pays to have fun with.

Joko Jokes