pays Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious pays stories

What are the best pays puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Pays? Well here is a complete list of the top pays jokes:

A man and his girlfriend (NSFW)...

A man and his girlfriend finish having sex for the first time, the girl then proceeds to rub his testicles, to which the man pays no attention and enjoys. After they have sex again, she rubs his testicles, as usual, and the man asks her "why do you rub my balls every time we finish having sex?", to which the woman replies "because I miss my old ones"

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A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand

So the buddhist gets his hot dog, one with everything. Pays the hot dog vendor with a 20$ bill. The vendor takes the money, and then nothing. The buddhist is confused for a moment, until the vendor replies.

Change must come from within.

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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe...

And says," Bartender! Get me a beer and one for my Giraffe as well!" so the two stand around drinking for hours until the Giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays for him and the Giraffe and starts to leave when the bartender says," Hey! You can't leave that lyin' on the floor!" The man replies," That's not a lion, it's a Giraffe."

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Bank on it..

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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$20 for a handjob

A man cruising down the street decides to pick up a hooker on the corner. She gets in his car and he asks "How much for a handjob?" The whore replies that it will cost $20.00. The guy pays her and she starts jerking him off.

Right about this time, a police officer comes by, shining his flashlight into the vehicle. "Get out of the car!" he yells. "You're under arrest for prostitution!" he tells the woman.

"I'm not a prostitute!" she protests, "I'm just a hired hand!"

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Willie saw some dynamite

Willie saw some dynamite,
Couldn't understand it quite;
Curiosity never pays:
It rained Willie seven days.

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So a guy walls into a bar

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. The guy had a few beers, but the giraffe ends up getting totally wasted and passes out on the floor. The man pays and just add he is about to walk out the door the bartender shouts "hey! Don't leave that lyin' there!" And the man says back "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

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The memo

An older man hires a guy every fall and his only job is to use my leaf blower and get the leaves out my yard.

He only pays in checks though. Just so he may write "thanks for the blow" on the memo line.

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A joke for Europe

A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab?

A German.

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Zen Master and the Hot Dog

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

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Ethics done right

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"

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Know how much a pirate pays for corn?

Bucaneer

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A Vampire walks into a bar…

He walks up to the bar and asks for a shot of blood. He drink it, pays for it and leaves. A second vampire walks in, orders a shot of blood, drinks it, pays for it and leaves.
Third vampire walks in and asks for a mug of hot water. The bartender, perplexed, asks, "why didn't you order a shot of blood like the other vampires?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and replies, "tea-time!"

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A woman walks into a grocery store...

... she grabs a 2 liter bottle of coke zero and a big bag of sugar. she pays for the pop and leaves the store. she is later arrested fro shoplifting. when the police ask why she payed for the coke but not the sugar she said "well it said sugar free"

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A Buddhist Monk goes into a burger place and with a facetious smile on his face he says "Make me one with everything", smirking at his own wit he pays with a $100 Note. The Monk receives his Burger in due course and little else. A touch perplexed he says "I paid with a $100! Don't i get any change?"

To which the The Cashier serenely replies; "Change comes from within."

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Blonde at the doctor's office

A gorgeous blonde pays a visit to a gynecologist. She undresses and lays down waiting for the doc. The doc enters the room and he's mesmerized by her beauty, totally loses his mind, and soon, starts having sex with her.

She's quiet and not responsive, and the doc asks: You do realize what I'm doing, right?

She says: Of course, taking out my herpes.

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When Van Gogh and Rembrandt go to lunch, who pays?

They go Dutch

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It's All About Marketing...;)

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Little Johhny, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Whose Little Johhny?"

A kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Little Johhny."

"Well, Johhny, your staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."

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Getting caught

I got caught jacking off at the store yesterday. But seriously, who pays for bug spray?

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Another "Priceless" joke.

Vodka 19.99.

Motel room 64.99.

Condoms 9.99.

Finding out she swallows and likes it in the ass?

Priceless!

Fuck Mastercard, it pays to Discover

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The Diet Pill

A woman heads to a supplement store to buy diet pills in hopes to lose weight. She asks the sales clerk what he recommends and he hands her a pill bottle claiming they are the best. She pays and goes home eager to lose weight. After a week she notices no effects and that the pills are very light, she opens one up and to her surprise they are empty. She goes back to the store and asks why these pills are all empty. The sales clerk then replies, "Well miss, they *are* diet pills".

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She pays in all ones because her father taught to always ask for small bills.

Her father was a bank robber.

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Clean but funny joke.

A lady holding a baby gets on a bus. As she's digging for change, the bus driver looks at the baby and says, "That is the ugliest baby I've ever seen in my life."

The woman is shocked, pays her fare and heads to the back of the bus. As she's thinking about what the bus driver says, she keeps getting madder and madder.

The guy next to her says, "Ma'am, is there something wrong?"

The woman says, "That bus driver just said the rudest thing to me that I've ever heard."

The guy says, "You shouldn't let him get away with that. Why don't you go give him a piece of your mind? Also, if it would make you feel better, while you go up there, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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So a Texan goes to England

So a Texan goes to London, England. He pays a cab driver a large some of money to give him a tour of the city. The cab driver first drives by Westminster Abby.

The Texan asks "Cabbie, what's this building?"

The cab driver replies "This is Westminster Abby."

The Texan replies "Huh. Back in Texas, we can put up buildings like this in two weeks."

The cab driver then drives past the London Tower.

"Cabbie, what building is this?"

"This is the London Tower, sir."

"Meh, in Texas we can put up buildings like this in a week."

Finally, the cab driver driver drives by Buckingham palace.

"Cabbie, what building is this?"

"I don't know sir, it wasn't here this morning."

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A man walks up to a bartender...

and he says, "I bet you $2,000 that I can sit on your bar stool, spin around and pee nto that shot glass on the other side of the bar.". The bartender says, "Okay, lets see it.". Then the man starts and he pees all over the bar without a single drop landing in the shot glass. The bartender just laughs and then the man pays him the $2,000. The bartender then asks why he took the bet if he knew he couldn't do it. The man replies "I bet the three guys over there that I could pee all over your bar and all you would do is laugh for $10,000."

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Real story

So my cousin (age 23) drove to Tim Hortons one day and there was an indian chick at the drive thru. The chick said, with a thick indian accent of course "Welcome to Tim Hortons how may I help you?" And my cousin, being the troll he is, replies with an indian accent "Yes I would like one double double please." So he takes his coffee, pays and leaves. The next day he went to Tim Hortons the same chick was at the drive thru again and of course she says the usual, but this time me my cousin replies in his normal voice "Yeah, one double double please" and the chick says "What?"

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A rich and proud man dies while his son is out of the country.

The son calls the funeral director and says he wants the best for his father's funeral and will settle the bill when he gets back. A few weeks later the son returns and pays the $22,000 charge. A bill comes the following week for $79. The son pays that as well. The next week another $79 bill arrives. The son calls the funeral director. "Why do you keep sending me bills for $79?" he asks.
"You said you wanted the best for your father" replies the funeral director "so I rented him a tux."

-APHC

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A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms...

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

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A guy pays a hooker for her services...

She doesn't fancy him, and runs out the room stark naked. He follows her, and runs into a cop. The officer asks "Where's the fire?" He replies "Never mind about that, if you see a naked hooker, fuck her, it's paid for!"

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A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and belly up to the bar. They all order pints of various beers and drink in silence. A moment later, three flies buzz in and land in each of their glasses.
The Englishman, quite plainly disgusted, pays his tab and leaves. The Scotsman gives the fly an inquisitive look and picks it out of his pint and flicks it in the floor. The Irishman scowls at the fly and picks it up by the wings and starts shaking it over his glass yelling,"Spit it out you bastard!"

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A rich new york blonde goes to a bank to get a loan

She talks to the man and asks for a $5000 loan while she goes on vacation. She puts up her rolls royce as collateral, which is clearly worth far more than $5000. A few weeks later she returns to said bank and asks what she owes. The bank teller says she owes $15 in interest on top of the $5000. After she pays it, he asks her why she put up such a valuable car for such a low sum. She replies, "Well where else am I going to find parking in New York City for $15 for a few weeks?"

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Hear about the new exorcist movie?

A lady pays the devil to pull a priest out of her son.

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from Β£50 to Β£150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the Β£150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a Β£150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is on Thursday.

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A cheap blowjob.

A poor man is walking in Amsterdam, desperately looking for a blowjob. He meets an elderly woman who tells him to go to the blowjobmachine around the corner. The man follows her advice and finds the machine. He pays 10 euros and receives the best blowjob he ever had.

Later that day, the man decides to go back for round 2 but discovers that he only has 5 euros left. He decides to go for it anyway, hoping the machine would accept it. He was right and the blowjob starts. A few moments later he feels the most terrible pain, he pulls his dick out and sees blood coming out of it. He screams, asking what happened, when the elderly woman steps out of the machine telling him: "Did you actually believe I would take out my dentures for 5 euros!".

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Three brothers on a cross country trip...

... decide to stop and stay the night at a hotel for the evening. The room is $30/night so they each pitch in $10. When the bellhop brings their bags to the room, he informs the men that the manager has discounted the room for them to $25. The bellhop gives them five $1 bills. The men each take $1 and give the remaining $2 to the bellhop. Each brother pays an effective $9 for a total of $27. Adding that to the bellhop's $2 tip and we're left with a total of $29. Where's the other $2?

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Drug Store Condom Shopping

A man walks up to the counter of a drug store and asks to buy some condoms. The extremely attractive woman behind the counter asks what size he would like.

"Huh, I don't know really. I don't know how to tell."

The woman then asks the man to drop his pants, she reaches over the counter, grabs his penis, then says over the speaker, "Medium condoms to counter 7". The man pays for his condoms and leaves.

A 16 year old boy sees this and decides to try the same thing. He goes up to the counter and asks for some condoms. The woman asks what size he would like, and he says, "Huh, I don't know. I don't really know how to tell."

The woman tells him to drop his pants, she reaches over the counter, grabs his penis, then says over the speaker, "Clean up at counter 7."

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A man walks up to a bridge...

...and a troll walks up to the man. The troll says:

You need to solve my riddle. I will give you three chances...

But the man just walks away. It doesn't matter to him, because he lost his family and his house because of Obamacare raising the taxes. Hating himself and his life, he jumps into the river and gets molested by crocodiles. In the end, obamacare saves him, pays for his medical bills, he gets put in a wheelchair, and gets sent to jail for attempted suicide.

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settling up nsfw

A milkman knocks on Mrs. smith's door to settle her bill. Mrs. Smith answers the door wearing a sexy nightie and suggests that she pays the $5 she owes along with having sex. The milkman agrees and they go to the bedroom. There, the milkman takes off his clothes and reveals he's got the biggest penis Mrs. Smith has ever seen. He then takes takes a large condom out of his pocket and starts slipping it over the end of his monster. "There's no need for that," says Mrs. Smith. "It might be big, but i can take all of it." "oh yeah?" the milkman replies. "Not for a fucking fiver, you won't!"

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Old man pays a visit to the doctor

An old man enters a packed doctors office waiting room. He steps up to the front desk. The woman behind the desk asks him, "how can we help you today?" The old man replies, rather loudly, "I think there's something wrong with my penis." The woman was shocked. "Sir, where are your manors? You should have said there was something wrong with your ear or something then explained to the doctor later!" The man thought about it for a minute then stepped outside. He came back in and went back to the front desk. "How can we help you now sir?" The old man said, "I think there's something wrong with my ear." The woman, pleased with herself, said, "ok and what's wrong with your ear?" The old man explained, "I can't piss out of it!"

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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas

This guy goes to Vegas and wins $10,000. Excited he decides to get himself a prostitute, find the most beautiful one, takes her to the room asks" how much for sex"?
"Sex"? Says the prostitute "I jerk ppl off for $5,000"
5,000 for a jerk? You must be crazy!!
So prostitute comes to the window and says" see all of these bars? I own them all just from the money I make on hand jobs.
So the guy pays her $5000 and get the best jerk/orgasm he ever had in his life.
Comes back to Vegas a month later, wins $25,000 finds the same prostitute takes her upstairs says what can I get for 25,000
She says for 25,000 ill give you head.
Are you crazy? 25,000 for head?
She pulls him to the window, shows all of the small casinos and says" I bought them with the BJ money I made!
Guy pays her and gets the best BJ ever.
Comes back to Vegas, wins 100,000 and is now determined to have sex for 100,000. Fuids the girl, takes her upstairs, pulls out 100,000 says I want sex.
She brings him to the window, shows the entire Vegas, guy says" OMG, you own this entire city just because of your pussy"??
She replies " I would have if I had one"

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So a man walks into a bar...

And he sits down to have a drink, as he's drinking he spots a jar with money in it and asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender responds "oh its a challenge, if you can make the horse in the back laugh you can keep the money it's only five bucks to try." the man thinks about it and pays the five bucks. He comes back five seconds later with the horse laughing like crazy he picks up the jar and leaves. This went on for two more days and finally the bartender changes the challenge to making the horse cry. The man comes in and sees the change thinks about it and goes out, five seconds later he comes in and the horse is crying! Amazed the bartender asks "how did you do it" to which the man replies "on the first two days i told him my dick was bigger than his and today i showed him" :)

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A necrophiliac goes to the morgue...

He pays the usual $250 fee for "special access privileges" and begins looking for the perfect partner. He comes across a body which appears to have belonged to a young beautiful woman. The only thing is that she has a rather disturbing gunshot wound to the head. But, he decided she'd do and had the best round of skin-to-skin sex he'd had in sometime.

Afterwards, he asks the mortician how she died. "Self-inflicted wound to the head" the mortician replied.

"Why would such a pretty lad do something like that?" he asked.

"Oh, sad story. She had recently been diagnosed with AIDS."

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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A man's father has just passed...

The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.

A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".

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A man walks in to a gun shop, and proceeds to buy the most expensive hunting rifle and scope he can find.

He then pays the man to sight it in, buys up all the ammunition, and gets ready to pay. The bill totals over $11000 at this point. The shop keeper, interested in the intended use, asks the man, "So, I have to know. What are you hunting?"

The man smiles and says, "Nothing, really. Just going to plink some cans."

The shop keeper asks, "$11000, and you are just going to plink some cans?"

The man smiles and nods, "Yes, I'm gonna plink me some Mexi-cans, some Afri-cans, some Puerto Ri-cans...."

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A man walks into a bar......

An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.

This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.

The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."

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Unique Dildo!

A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

Salesman answers, "$35."

Blonde: "How much for the black one?"

Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"

Salesman: "$35."

Black Woman: "How much for the white one?"

Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

Black Woman: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"

Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

Blonde: "Hmmmmm..., how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."

Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"

To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."

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Two Men Are In A Farm

And they come across a donkey and one man says to the other " I bet you fifty dollars I can make that donkey laugh!" The other says "you're on!" The man goes to the donkey and in less than 30 seconds the donkey is laughing hysterically. Then he goes back to his friend and says "pay up!" the friend pays him and the other guy says "I bet you another $50 I can make him cry!" "All right then" replies the other. The man goes back to the donkey and and soon after the donkey is crying his eyes out. The other man shocked in amazement asks "how did you do that!?" "it's simple first I told him my dick is bigger than his" other says "ok I guess thats funny, but how did you make him cry?" "oh thats simple I showed it to him!"

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A blonde walks into a grocery store... she grabs a 2 liter bottle of coke zero and a big bag of sugar. she pays for the pop and heads out the door, she is later arrested for shoplifting. when the police ask her why did you pay for the pop and not the sugar she said "well it it said sugar free."

She grabs a 2 liter bottle of coke zero and a big bag of sugar. she pays for the pop and heads out the door, she is later arrested for shoplifting. when the police ask her why did you pay for the pop and not the sugar she said "well it it said sugar free."

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A panda walks into a bar...

He orders his food, and waits for the food to come. After he finishes eating, he pays the bill and gets ready to leave. He then takes out his gun, shoots everyone, and leaves.
Later, he gets arrested and taken to court for murder. When the judge asks him why he killed everyone, the panda pulled out his dictionary and looked up panda. He said: "Panda, a mammal that lives in Asia known for it's black and white fur."

He then continues: "A panda eats, shoots and leaves"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best pays jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about pays. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty pays gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these pays jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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