Pays Jokes

What are some Pays jokes?

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."

The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"


"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?


Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."

The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"

"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"

The black guy says "You're joking."

The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

A kangaroo walks into a bar

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a twenty and the bartender figures, "What does a kangaroo know about money?" gives him a single in change.

Then his curiosity gets the better of him. "You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get a lot of kangaroos in this place."

The kangaroo replies sourly, "Yeah, and at $19 for a beer, you won't be getting many more."

A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

Nobody pays to have a garbanzo bean on their face.

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, "You fool! Just think of the odds we can get next time!"

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,

'Can I pick the car up in the morning or afternoon?'

'It's 10 years away, what does it matter?'

'The plumber is coming in the morning'.

Two CPU's walk into a bar...

Which one pays?

[the one with more cache](#s)

A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill?

They each pay for their own because men aren't complicated

Dirty Joke

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

A man walks into a bar......

An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.

This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.

The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."

A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.

The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"

And the monk replies "this IS my inner piece."

Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"

The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.

"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.

The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."

An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.

When I...

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.

After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.

After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.

After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.

After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"

A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand

So the buddhist gets his hot dog, one with everything. Pays the hot dog vendor with a 20$ bill. The vendor takes the money, and then nothing. The buddhist is confused for a moment, until the vendor replies.

Change must come from within.

A man's father has just passed...

The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.

A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe...

And says," Bartender! Get me a beer and one for my Giraffe as well!" so the two stand around drinking for hours until the Giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays for him and the Giraffe and starts to leave when the bartender says," Hey! You can't leave that lyin' on the floor!" The man replies," That's not a lion, it's a Giraffe."

There was a priest who was "selling forgiveness"..

A woman comes through and tells him that she had sex 5 times. She asks for forgiveness and gives him five dollars. Another woman comes. She pays him 6 dollars because she had sex 6 times. The priest suddenly has something to do and notices a man behind him who had been watching, so the priest asks the man to replace him while he is gone. When the priest finishes he comes back and notices the man having sex with a woman in the church, and begins yelling at the man. The man says, "Sorry, Father! She had a ten dollar bill and I had no change!"

United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane"

Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

A man walks up to a bartender...

and he says, "I bet you $2,000 that I can sit on your bar stool, spin around and pee nto that shot glass on the other side of the bar.". The bartender says, "Okay, lets see it.". Then the man starts and he pees all over the bar without a single drop landing in the shot glass. The bartender just laughs and then the man pays him the $2,000. The bartender then asks why he took the bet if he knew he couldn't do it. The man replies "I bet the three guys over there that I could pee all over your bar and all you would do is laugh for $10,000."

A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda

They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one

A rich and proud man dies while his son is out of the country.

The son calls the funeral director and says he wants the best for his father's funeral and will settle the bill when he gets back. A few weeks later the son returns and pays the $22,000 charge. A bill comes the following week for $79. The son pays that as well. The next week another $79 bill arrives. The son calls the funeral director. "Why do you keep sending me bills for $79?" he asks.
"You said you wanted the best for your father" replies the funeral director "so I rented him a tux."


A guy walks into a whorehouse...

A guy walks into a whorehouse and says he wants to get laid. He sees a pretty girl and asks the owner how much for 30 minutes with her. The owner tells him the price and unfortunately it's way out of his price range. So he asks if there are any cheaper girls available and the owner says that she thinks she can help him. She tells him to head up to room number 11 and the girl will be in bed waiting for him. The man happily agrees, pays his money, and heads up to the room to meet his lady. He enters the room and sure enough there is a girl in bed waiting for him. He quickly does the deed, and as he is leaving he notices some white fluid coming out of her eye and ear. Not wanting to be rude, he just gets dressed and leaves the room. As he is leaving he mentions to the owner that he noticed the girl had something coming out of her eye and ear. The owner, not looking surprised or concerned, then yells into the back "Hey, the dead one's full again!"

The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from Β£50 to Β£150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the Β£150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a Β£150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is on Thursday.

Old man dies

In his funeral, the priest starts to speak and pays homage to the deceased: "He was a loving man, a devout Christian, a good husband, he raised two wonderful sons..."

The widow turns to her son and tells him discretly: "Go up there take a look at the coffin and make sure it's your dad."

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus that can play any instrument in the world. Everyone laughs, so he says he'll bet $50. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, so the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says, "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I get its pajamas off."

Willie saw some dynamite

Willie saw some dynamite,
Couldn't understand it quite;
Curiosity never pays:
It rained Willie seven days.

[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...

... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished whoring for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".

When 2 prostitutes have sex, who pays?

Me πŸ˜€

A proton, an electron, & a neutron walk into a bar...

...the proton orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet and pays the bartender.

the electron orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet and pays the bartender.

the neutron orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet.. the bartender stops him and says, "wait...for you, no charge..."

thank you, I'm here all week...

Guy tells a bartender, I'll bet you 100 bucks ...

Guy tells a bartender, I'll bet you 100 bucks I can pee in this cup from five feet away without missing a drop. The bartender takes the bet.

The man misses horribly, hitting pretty much everything except the cup.

The bartender laughs and the man pays him the money.

Then the bartender sees the man's friends laughing by the pool table, and he asks the man what is so funny.

The man says, I bet them 1,000 bucks I would pee all over your bar and you wouldn't try to stop me.

A lawyer is about to go home for the night...

...when a client shows up, asking for his council. The lawyer decides to stay late and work with the client. Afterwards, the client asks how much he owes for the lawyer's time.
"One hundred dollars," the lawyer responds.

The client pays him and walks out, at which point the lawyer realizes it's two hundred dollar bills stuck together. This leaves the lawyer with a moral dilemma...

Does he tell his partner?

A short man walks into a bar

Upon walking in, something drips on him from the ceiling. He looks up and sees a piece of steak. He asks the bartender why there's a steak on the ceiling.

The bartender tells him if he could jump up and touch the steak, he gets free drinks for the rest of the night. If he misses, he pays for everyone's drink.

The man looks at the steak, then back at the bartender and says....

'The steaks are too high.'

I just found out that the sperm bank pays

All these years, money has been running through my fingers

A blonde and a brunette are watching the news...

A blonde and a brunette are watching the news, and they are showing a woman standing on top of a building contemplating suicide. The brunette says, "I'll bet you fifty dollars, that woman jumps and kills herself." The blonde accepts the bet. After a while the woman jumps and dies. The blonde pays the brunette fifty dollars. After some time the brunette feels bad and says, "I cheated. I saw that story on the news two hours earlier. Here is the fifty dollars you gave me." The blonde says, "So did I, but I figured she would be smart enough to not jump this time."

What is the difference between a lentil and chick pea?

No one pays $300 to have a lentil on their chest.

A man walks up to a bartender

A man walks up to a bartender and tells him "I bet you $5,000 I can pee into a cup all the way across your bar."

The bartender, knowing this is impossible, agrees. They set it up and the man starts peeing all over the place, missing the cup completely. The bartender gets begins to cheer because he know he just won $5,000.
The man walks over to his friends and comes back to the bartender. He pays the bartender his money with a grin on his face. The bartender asks him "Why are you so happy? You just lost $5,000."

The man replies "I know, but I bet my friends $10,000 dollars that you would cheer while I pee all over the bar."

So a guy walls into a bar

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. The guy had a few beers, but the giraffe ends up getting totally wasted and passes out on the floor. The man pays and just add he is about to walk out the door the bartender shouts "hey! Don't leave that lyin' there!" And the man says back "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

For my brothers back home in Ireland.

An Irishman walks into a bar one night and orders three beers from the bartender. After drinking them he pays and goes home. The next night he comes back and orders three beers again, pays and goes home.

This continues for a couple weeks before the bartender finally asks "why do you always buy three beers?" The Irishman replies "One for me, and two for my brothers back home in Ireland." He then drinks his three beers and goes home.

After a month or so, the Irishman walks into a bar and tell the bartender "I'll have two beers, please!" The bartender, confused, asks him why only two. "Did one of your brothers back home die?" he asks.

"No," replies the Irishman. "I quit drinking."

The memo

An older man hires a guy every fall and his only job is to use my leaf blower and get the leaves out my yard.

He only pays in checks though. Just so he may write "thanks for the blow" on the memo line.

A man needs to inflate his tyres... he stops at a petrol station, and finds that the air pump needs a token from the petrol station shop in order to work.

The man goes in and asks for one of the tokens.

"That will be 25p" says the cashier, who he pays and gets the token.

The man returns to his car and starts inflating his tyres, and swears as he realises the machine ran out of time half way through.

He goes back into the shop and asks for another token.

"That will be 50p" says the cashier.

"What?!" exclaims the man "It was 25p a minute ago!"

The cashier shrugs and replies "That's inflation for you"

A joke for Europe

A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab?

A German.

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.

Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.

Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.

He places a twenty on the bar, and as he walks out, he bellows "When Big Tony pays, everybody pays!"

Jesus walks in to an employment office

The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"

"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies

"Can I ask what skills you have?"

"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"

The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer

"Well I have two carpentry jobs, Jesus, one is in Edinburgh, big job, and it pays about Β£2000 per month! The other one I have is in Jerusalem, and get this Jesus, it pays Β£10,000 per month"

Jesus mulls it over and says "I think I'll apply for the job in Edinburgh"

"But Jesus, the job in Jerusalem pays five times as much"

"But yes the last time I worked there I got nailed by tax"

Zen Master and the Hot Dog

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

(edited for multifariousness.)

The Irishman and the three beers

An Irishman moves to the us, on his first day he goes looking for a bar and finds one he likes once he enters he orders three beers, he drinks the beer, pays and leaves. He keeps doing this for a week then the bartender asks him:

* Sir why do you always drink three beers at once instead of ordering one beer at a time?

To what the Irish answers:

* Well my brothers and I used to have a daily beer back in Ireland and now that live here I drink mine and one for each of my brothers

The bartender leaves the man alone and he becomes a regular going daily for years, everyone who visited the bar knew about the Irishman and his three beers but one day he enters the bar and orders 2 beers, everyone gets quiet and the bartender says:

* I'm sorry for your loss, your brother is in a better place now

To what the Irishman responded:

* My brothers are fine I just quit drinking

Ethics done right

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"

Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."

The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"

What's the difference

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys some antibiotics, pays $25.45, walks out. A second later, the pharmacist bolts out of the pharmacy, catches up with the man, and breathlessly says: "sir, there's been a mistake! Instead of the antibiotics, I gave you Cyanide. " The man asks: "and what's the difference?" The pharmacist says: "two dollars and ten cents".

A monk walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."


So he pays for his meal and asks for his change.

The vendor shrugs and retorts smugly, "Change comes from within."

Know how much a pirate pays for corn?


A guy walks into a bar...

.... with a giraffe.
They sit down at the bar and start drinking beer after beer and shot after shot.

Finally, the giraffe passes out and falls to the floor. The guy pays the tab and is just about to leave when the bartender says: "Hey! You gonna leave that lyin' there?" - "Not a lion, a giraffe!"

A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck

and says make me one with everything. The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. Where's my change? the monk asks. The vendor replies, change comes from within

There's this lady who works in a bank...

... her name is Patricia Wack, but all her friends and colleagues call her Pattie. She's very good at her job. One of those people who pays painful and pedantic attention to detail, does everything by the book, and is generally a bit annoying, but does a great job as a bank teller.

One day, while she's going about her daily tasks, a frog hops up onto her counter.

"I want a loan," says the frog.

"Have you filled out the application?" asks Patricia.

"No," replies the frog. "I don't need to bother with all that bullshit. Just go and get your manager. I've dealt with him before, and he'll give me the loan."

"Hang on," says Patricia, "I don't see any paperwork or ID, and I don't know the first thing about you. I don't know if you're having me on, or trying to defraud the bank. What's your name?"

"Kermit Jagger," says the frog.

"Now you're really having me on," says Patricia. "Get out of this bank before I call the police."

"No, seriously, go talk to your manager," says the frog. He digs around in his pocket and pulls out a Mr Bean Bobblehead. "Take this and give it to him. He'll know what it is."

Patricia reluctantly takes the toy, and walks upstairs to her manager's office. She knocks on the door, and he waves her in.

"What is it, Pattie?" He asks.

"Well, sir, there's a frog downstairs wanting a loan, but has none of the necessary documents or ID. He says he knows you, and to give you this." With that she places the bobblehead on the manager's desk.

The manager looks at it for a little while, smiles and says, "No worries, Pattie. You can go ahead and approve him up to $20,000."

"But sir!!! He has no ID or credit history with him! He didn't bring any paperwork, and won't do this by the book at all! What's going on, anyway? And what is that... toy that he made me bring to you, anyway?? What's that got to do with it?"

The manager sighs, leans forward, and says, "It's a nick-nack, Pattie Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms...

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

A truck driver pulls up to a rest stop to grab a quick meal

A big gang of bikers come in after him. They start to screw with the truck driver, throw food on him, etc, trying to start a fight or something. However the trucker doesn't fight back or say anything at all really. Finally he gets up, pays his bill, and leaves.

After he is gone the leader of the gang says to the waitress, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"

The waitress takes a look out the window and says "Well he isn't much of a truck driver either, he just ran over seventeen motorcycles!"

Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.

It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

A man and his Giraffe walk into a bar

So a man and a Giraffe walk into a bar, they stroll up to the bar and order a few drinks. Now after about an hour the Giraffe who has had far too much passes out, the man seeing this pays his tab and gets up to leave and the bar tender shouts: "Oi! You can't leave that lyin' there!" To which the man replys:

"That's not a Lion it's a Giraffe"

Based on a true story (programming, walks into a bar)

Two programmers walk into a bar. The Python programmer orders an orange juice. The C programmer gets a look of disgust and says "You're in a bar! You should order an alcoholic drink!" The Python programmer gets his juice, pulls out his wallet, and pays for his drink. The C programmer tells the bartender, "I want a hard whiskey, and put it on my tab." The Python programmer gets a look of disgust and shouts "Tab?!?"

Hard work pays off in in the future

Laziness pays off now

A Spanish, Greek and Portuguese man go to a bar. Who pays for the drinks?

The German!

So a Texan goes to England

So a Texan goes to London, England. He pays a cab driver a large some of money to give him a tour of the city. The cab driver first drives by Westminster Abby.

The Texan asks "Cabbie, what's this building?"

The cab driver replies "This is Westminster Abby."

The Texan replies "Huh. Back in Texas, we can put up buildings like this in two weeks."

The cab driver then drives past the London Tower.

"Cabbie, what building is this?"

"This is the London Tower, sir."

"Meh, in Texas we can put up buildings like this in a week."

Finally, the cab driver driver drives by Buckingham palace.

"Cabbie, what building is this?"

"I don't know sir, it wasn't here this morning."

John is in an elevator and another woman enters.

John is in an elevator and another woman enters.

He politely asks, "Which floor?"

The woman replies, "Third please."

He replies, "Oh, are you donating blood at the blood center?"

"Yes, I am! Just need some quick money, having kind of a financial crisis."

"Oh I see. Same here actually, but I'm going to the fifth floor to donate sperm. It pays more."

The elevator reaches the third floor and they say goodbye.

A week later, John comes back, enters the elevator and sees the same woman running to it.

John asked, "Third floor, I suppose?"

"Fifth, actually." She replies, with a mouth-full.

Three mice

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

A woman walks into a grocery store...

... she grabs a 2 liter bottle of coke zero and a big bag of sugar. she pays for the pop and leaves the store. she is later arrested fro shoplifting. when the police ask why she payed for the coke but not the sugar she said "well it said sugar free"

A Vampire walks into a bar…

He walks up to the bar and asks for a shot of blood. He drink it, pays for it and leaves. A second vampire walks in, orders a shot of blood, drinks it, pays for it and leaves.
Third vampire walks in and asks for a mug of hot water. The bartender, perplexed, asks, "why didn't you order a shot of blood like the other vampires?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and replies, "tea-time!"

A guy is hungry and is looking for something to eat.

He approaches a hot dog stand and asks, 'how much is a hot dog?'

'$3 for one and 3 for $10', replied the hotdog vendor

Surprised by this rate, he ponders a bit and says, 'In that case, I'll have one' and pays $3. Then he proceeds to order another one and pays $3 and then another one till he has three hot dogs and quips, 'You see, people like you will never succeed in any business. I just bought 3 hotdogs for $9'.

'Yeah, but... I just sold 3 hotdogs!'

Johnny's math skills

The village priest pays a visit to the local primary school. After introducing himself and his church, he also wants to see how much the kids have learnt already and asks little Johnny: "So Johnny, if you have 8 appples and you give me 4, how many apples do you have left?" "4, Sir", little Johnny replies. "Very well done!", the priest responds. "And if you have 3 sausages and I give you an additional 5, how many sausages do you have then?" he questions little Johnny further. "Sir, this question I cannot answer, because we haven't calculated with sausages yet".

Now that he's divorced, what does Amazon's CEO do when he's feeling lonely?

Jeff pays hoes.

A Vampire walks into a bar and asks for a...

...a pint of blood and some crisps.

Barmaid replies sorry we dont do blood here, only crisps.
"Ah thats ok I'll have the crisps" replies the Vampire - he pays for them and sits down.

A second Vampire walks in and asks for the pint of blood and some peanuts. Again the barmaid tells him there's no blood, just peanuts . Like the first vampire he takes the peanuts and sits next to the first.

A third Vampire walks in and asks the barmaid for a pint of water and some pork scratchings. the barmaid gives the vampire what he asks for and sits down next to the other two.

"Water?! whats wrong with you!? why not blood?!" asks the first vampire

"Oh thats easy!" replies number three. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used tampon. "Never heard of a T-bag?"

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says make me one with everything ...

The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. Excuse me, but where's my change? asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, Change must come from within.

New cowboy in town

There's this cowboy that rides into town on his horse and heads for the saloon. He ties his horse outside, walks in and starts drinking at the bar. Now the townsfolk have a thing for pulling pranks on out of towners so they hide his horse. He finishes drinking, pays his tab, walks out to see that his horse is missing, walking back inside all eyes are on him.
He says, "Now whoever took my horse, best that you return him. I don't want to do what I did in the last town. Trust me it wasn't good. Now i'm going to have one more beer and by the time i'm done with it my horse better be outside where it last was."
Now the townspeople get scared and quickly return the horse. As he's saddling up about to ride away the bartender a little curious goes outside and ask him what happened in the last town.
"I had to walk home." He replies.
Would be a million times better if i had the old western dialog in it but still one of my favorite jokes.

A Buddhist Monk goes into a burger place and with a facetious smile on his face he says "Make me one with everything", smirking at his own wit he pays with a $100 Note. The Monk receives his Burger in due course and little else. A touch perplexed he says "I paid with a $100! Don't i get any change?"

To which the The Cashier serenely replies; "Change comes from within."

Donald Trump's lawyer walks into a bar…

... And sits down next to Trump.

He says, "I'm sorry but I can't really help you. You're looking at life in prison for treason."

Frustrated, Trump pays the bartender and storms out. On his way out he accidentally bumps into Mike Pence.

He says to Pence, "Pardon me."

Could have been a rich man

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over and asked, "What's the problem, pal?"

"My brother just told me there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."

"Yeah, so?" "Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers! -

I've spent a lot of my life in brothels.

I'm not proud of it, but it pays the bills.

A rich snail walks into a car dealership

The rich snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing Mercedes, Ferraris, Bugattis, and tons of other high end cars he decides on one.

So the rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships auto body guy and says "I want you to paint big S's all the this car, big S's on the front, the sides, the back, the top, big S's everywhere. The auto body guy tells him he can do it sure, but can't help to ask the snail why he wants big S's all over the car.

So the rich snail answers him "so when I fly past people on the highway, they point and say

"WOW! Look at that S Car Go!!"

My friend told me that sperm bank pays you $60 per shot

Boy, do I have an expensive sock under my bed!!

I spend more time at the whorehouse than I do at home.

Don't judge me, it pays the bills.

Apparently the norwegian government pays for you to hire convicts

I guess there are some pro's to hirin a con.

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners

She hands him her dress which has a huge stain in the front. She pays him and says "I need this dress for a party. So can you please get it cleaned by Thursday?" Now the dry cleaner was very old and couldn't hear properly so he asks her "Come again?"
The blonde blushes furiously and says "No, it is mayonnaise this time"

A Canadian walks into a bar

has a drink, pays his tab, and leaves.

A little girl gets on the bus with her mom...

A little girl gets on the bus with her mom…

The mom pays a single adult cash fare.

The driver asks her "How old is your daughter?"

-- She's 5, answers the mother.

Now, turning to the little girl, the driver asks

-- And when will you turn 6, sweetie?

-- As soon as we get off the bus.

Smart blonde joke

Whoah, I know. Here it is: so a blonde walks into a bank and asked to borrow a $500 loan. The bank needs some colleratal so she gives the bank her Rolls Royce. After a couple of months she comes back and promptly pays the loan back. The bank clerk asked why she borrowed the money if she could pay it back easily.
She said, "cheapest parking in San Francisco."

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