Payment Jokes
79 payment jokes and hilarious payment puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about payment that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Find out why the person who pays should have the last laugh! Check out our collection of jokes about different payment methods, like Venmo, down payments and pension funds. Have a good laugh and explore the different ways to pay.
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Funniest Payment Short Jokes
Short payment jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The payment humour may include short paid jokes also.
- When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back
- Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment! I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.
- I'm so good with managing money I got a letter from a debt collector saying 'outstanding payment'
- I don't understand why my credit score is so low. Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.
- Google's app management app is called "Google Play" and their payment app is called "Google pay" Their navigation app should be called "Google Way"
- You've got to be careful when getting your house exorcised If you can't afford the payments the priest will repossess your house
- The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay... ..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."
I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."
"They are." - If you don't keep up your regular payments to your exorcist... Your home may be repossessed
- As a hardworking American I'm proud to finally say I'm a millionaire Unfortunately, nobody in the states is accepting payment with Zimbabwean dollars.
- I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
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Payment One Liners
Which payment one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with payment? I can suggest the ones about paying and debit.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive.. Try missing a couple of payments.
- Wanna get back on your feet again? Miss a few car payments
- What's the best way to get back on your feet? Miss two car payments.
- What is the Pope's preferred method of payment? Papal
- What kind of payment does the Pope use to make online transactions? Pa'pal.
- What happens if you don't keep up payments to your exorcist? You get repossessed.
- My local butcher's has started accepting crypto as payment. But only proof of steak.
- My friend stopped making payments to his exorcist. He was soon repossessed.
- Imagine missing a payment on TESLA and the car drives itself back to the dealership
- Money can't buy happiness... but it makes a great down payment!
- What is an assasin's favourite cryptocurrency payment method? Hitcoin
- what is superman's favorite payment method? kryptocurrency
- EA is now offering deferred-payment microtransactions... Calling them E.A.I.O.U.s
- That's the pope favorite method of payment? PayPal
- What do you call the Vatican's online payments system? The Papal PayPal.
Down Payment Jokes
Here is a list of funny down payment jokes and even better down payment puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went to a brothel that took deer as payment They described it as the best bang for your buck
- My landlord is threatening to kick me out because I haven't made a single rental payment in years. She said, "Listen son, your 35. Don't you think you should get a place of your own?"
- Credit card company called me to report suspicious activity... I asked what kind of suspicious activity and they said someone made a payment.
- There's been a lot of scammers claiming they're from the electric company calling to get payments from overdue bills… They're getting pretty crafty- they even turned off my electricity.
- They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal! It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.
- I went to buy a new car... The salesman said- Buy it today, and you won't make a payment for six months.
I said- Boy! You really know me! - If you bought a toupee for your friend Bill on a 4 month payment plan... You'd have four bills to pay for Bill's toupee.
- My son kept begging for a present, so I went to the store and got a XBox for him. I was shocked that they accept kids as payment.
- So my brother got an exorcism Went fine until he fell arrears on the payments and got repossessed
- Girl, am I a loan offered to ppl with impeccable credit and a long history of timely payments? Bc I have 0 interest
Payment Method Jokes
Here is a list of funny payment method jokes and even better payment method puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is the payment method most hated by double amputees? Cash in hand
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Payment Jokes
What funny jokes about payment you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cash jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make payment pranks.
A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.
While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.
After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.
The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up p**... in the dictionary, a person who trades s**... for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.
Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.
A pious woman was possessed by a d**...
She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the d**.... As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"
She was repossessed.
Movie theater madness
A young lad did some work for a farmer and when he was done was given a goose as barter payment. He tucked the goose under his arm and began walking home. As he was passing through town he noticed that a movie that he wanted to see was playing at the theater. Since they didn't allow animals he stuffed the goose down his pants, paid for his ticket and found a seat in the packed theater next to two old ladies as the lights dimmed.
The goose began to struggle and not wanting to be discovered, the young man inconspicuously unzipped his fly so that the goose could breathe. Shortly thereafter, one of the old ladies nudged the other, "Edna, the boy sitting next to me has his fly unzipped and something is sticking out!"
"Martha", her companion replied,"When you've seen one you've seen 'em all."
"Well you've never seen one like this before. It's eating my popcorn!"
A lawyer's dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
What country accepts only one form of payment?
The Czech Republic!
What online payment service does the Pope use?
Papal.
I sent an Adele album to a guy who bought it on eBay, anyway his payment cancelled and I'm out of pocket ....
Should I just give up or should I keep on chasing payments
As an ornothologist and a p**... I structure payment based on the old saying:
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
An Italian herb seller gets a loan from the mafia.
Two weeks later, the boss walks in for his payment. Unable to pay his debt, the herb seller pleads for his life.
"Please sir, give me one more week!" he exclaims.
"No," responds the boss, "your thyme is up."
My house was haunted, so I got it exorcised by an expert.
Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the payment and it got repossessed.
A man goes to pay for his shopping...
...and places down an empty box of disposable lenses.
The cashier looks at him and says "you can't possibly expect me to accept that as payment?"
The man points at a sign by the till, "it says here you accept contactless".
A hacker locked a bank's financial information down and demanded payment to decrypt them.
Police tried to catch him but he ransomeware.
I went looking at new cars today...
The salesman said- "And if you buy today, you won't make a payment for six months!"
I said- "Wow! It's almost like you know me!"
A man walks into Target
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
I was in LA recently and got pulled over by an Indian cop
They are outsourcing everything.
He asked me, " why do you think I pulled you over"?
I said, " I don't know, because I missed my last credit payment?"
Credit Sam Tripoli
How did the puppy pay his barber?
With a defurred payment
What do you call a guy that drives a Ferrari, but can't afford the down payment on his house?
Magnum PMI
I've got some extremely rare tulip bulbs for sale
Payment in BitCoins only.
An accused criminal is brought before a judge...
The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"
I once hired a p**... using a bill of exchange as payment
Cheque mate
For 50$ I will guess your bank account number
(Payment first, checks only)
I put 10% towards the cost of my erectile dysfunction treatment.
It's a down payment
What do you call a p**... who takes cookies as payment?
An Oreho.
My ex had given me a loan, and I finally made my last payment.
Now it's just some money I used to owe.
What sort of compensation do you get from a p**...?
A going down payment
In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list
On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"
The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".
Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.
What do you call a h**... that asks for payment in Italian food?
A pasta-tute.
Waffle House
I went to Waffle House this morning but forgot my wallet at home. I told the waiter I couldn't pay for my meal, so she took one of my shoes as payment and told me I wasn't allowed back.
I guess from now on IHOP.
A woman brought her husband to a doctor to try to cure his snoring problem.
Dr.: "it is possible to treat, but it will cost you a lot of money."
Woman: "that's fine, how much will it cost?"
Dr.: "$20,000 down payment, and $250 in monthly intervals for a year."
Woman: "woah, its almost like im buying a sports car!!"
Dr.: "hmm... too obvious, huh?"
Last mortgage payment!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!" the guy announces. "I mean, I still owe $273,000, I just can't pay it any more."
We do do windows.
A young woman had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she had yet to make the first payment.
The woman replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
I don't think the new AI is all that great.
I asked ChatGPT to do my taxes in the style of Ernest Hemingway.
And it replied, "For Free: Four Quarterly Tax Payment Vouchers, never used."
That is really not helpful, at all.
