The Best 43 Payment Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Payment jokes. There are some payment refund jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these payment discount puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Payment Jokes and Puns

A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.

While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.

After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.

The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up prostitute in the dictionary, a person who trades sex for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.

Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.

What happens if you don't keep up payments to your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

A pious woman was possessed by a demon

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the demon. As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"

She was repossessed.

Payment joke, A pious woman was possessed by a demon

Movie theater madness

A young lad did some work for a farmer and when he was done was given a goose as barter payment. He tucked the goose under his arm and began walking home. As he was passing through town he noticed that a movie that he wanted to see was playing at the theater. Since they didn't allow animals he stuffed the goose down his pants, paid for his ticket and found a seat in the packed theater next to two old ladies as the lights dimmed.

The goose began to struggle and not wanting to be discovered, the young man inconspicuously unzipped his fly so that the goose could breathe. Shortly thereafter, one of the old ladies nudged the other, "Edna, the boy sitting next to me has his fly unzipped and something is sticking out!"

"Martha", her companion replied,"When you've seen one you've seen 'em all."

"Well you've never seen one like this before. It's eating my popcorn!"

A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.

The contents read

"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."


I sent an Adele album to a guy who bought it on eBay, anyway his payment cancelled and I'm out of pocket ....

Should I just give up or should I keep on chasing payments

If you bought a toupee for your friend Bill on a 4 month payment plan...

You'd have four bills to pay for Bill's toupee.

Payment joke, If you bought a toupee for your friend Bill on a 4 month payment plan...

As an ornothologist and a pimp I structure payment based on the old saying:

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

An Italian herb seller gets a loan from the mafia.

Two weeks later, the boss walks in for his payment. Unable to pay his debt, the herb seller pleads for his life.

"Please sir, give me one more week!" he exclaims.

"No," responds the boss, "your thyme is up."

My house was haunted, so I got it exorcised by an expert.

Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the payment and it got repossessed.

That's the pope favorite method of payment?

PayPal

You can explore payment pension reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean payment wages dad jokes. There are also payment puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A man goes to pay for his shopping...

...and places down an empty box of disposable lenses.

The cashier looks at him and says "you can't possibly expect me to accept that as payment?"

The man points at a sign by the till, "it says here you accept contactless".

I went to a brothel that took deer as payment

They described it as the best bang for your buck

Money can't buy happiness...

but it makes a great down payment!

I went looking at new cars today...

The salesman said- "And if you buy today, you won't make a payment for six months!"

I said- "Wow! It's almost like you know me!"

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."

Payment joke, A man walks into Target

I was in LA recently and got pulled over by an Indian cop

They are outsourcing everything.

He asked me, " why do you think I pulled you over"?

I said, " I don't know, because I missed my last credit payment?"

Credit Sam Tripoli

As a hardworking American I'm proud to finally say I'm a millionaire

Unfortunately, nobody in the states is accepting payment with Zimbabwean dollars.

What do you call a guy that drives a Ferrari, but can't afford the down payment on his house?

Magnum PMI


what is superman's favorite payment method?

kryptocurrency

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

I went to buy a new car...

The salesman said- Buy it today, and you won't make a payment for six months.

I said- Boy! You really know me!

What is the Pope's preferred method of payment?

Papal

I once hired a prostitute using a bill of exchange as payment

Cheque mate

For 50$ I will guess your bank account number

(Payment first, checks only)

I put 10% towards the cost of my erectile dysfunction treatment.

It's a down payment

My landlord is threatening to kick me out because I haven't made a single rental payment in years.

She said, "Listen son, your 35. Don't you think you should get a place of your own?"

What kind of payment does the Pope use to make online transactions?

Pa'pal.

My son kept begging for a present, so I went to the store and got a XBox for him.

I was shocked that they accept kids as payment.

I have no problem giving credit when credit is due.

But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

My ex had given me a loan, and I finally made my last payment.

Now it's just some money I used to owe.

What is an assasin's favourite cryptocurrency payment method?

Hitcoin

What sort of compensation do you get from a prostitute?

A going down payment

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".

Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.

Imagine missing a payment on TESLA

and the car drives itself back to the dealership

What do you call a hooker that asks for payment in Italian food?

A pasta-tute.

They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal!

It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

Waffle House

I went to Waffle House this morning but forgot my wallet at home. I told the waiter I couldn't pay for my meal, so she took one of my shoes as payment and told me I wasn't allowed back.

I guess from now on IHOP.

A woman brought her husband to a doctor to try to cure his snoring problem.

Dr.: "it is possible to treat, but it will cost you a lot of money."

Woman: "that's fine, how much will it cost?"

Dr.: "$20,000 down payment, and $250 in monthly intervals for a year."

Woman: "woah, its almost like im buying a sports car!!"

Dr.: "hmm... too obvious, huh?"

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

My local butcher's has started accepting crypto as payment.

But only proof of steak.

Last mortgage payment!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!" the guy announces. "I mean, I still owe $273,000, I just can't pay it any more."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the payment contributions jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working payment unlimited piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes