paying Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious paying stories

What are the best paying puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Paying? Well here is a complete list of the top paying jokes:

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000.

That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

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As I was paying for a 15 year old escort I thought...

...I'm getting a really good deal on this car.

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Georgia joke

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

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Got a call that my Grandma only has 1 day left to live...

But I'm still not paying the ransom.

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Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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What's a politician's favourite sex position?

Depends on how much you're paying them.

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Chess Set

"I'd like to buy this chess set please"

"How will you be paying, sir?"

"Check mate"..

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I refused to waste money paying an exorcist...

so he repossessed my house.

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I was taken advantage of my first day of college

I was young.

There were more than one of them.

They wanted my interest and they got it.

They said I couldn't back out.

And it won't be that bad.

I took more than I could handle and it hurt.

Now it burdens me every day.

They said after college the pain would gradually go away.

But here I am years later.

Still paying off those damn student loans.

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This morning on the way to work...

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, while not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he turned out to be a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

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My therapist wanted to tell me about the 5 stages of grief. I said...

But nothing bad has happened! How DARE you imply that it has? I'm only paying half for this session. Thanks for ruining my good mood... Okay, tell me all about it.

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First job

A teenager walks proudly home one afternoon to tell his farther dime good news.

Teen: Hey dad, guys what, today i got my first job!

Father: Congratulations son, I'm very proud of you. How much does it pay?

Teen: (confused) well, so far I'm out 20 bucks. But if she starts paying me, I may have found a career!

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Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father:I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
Son :Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father:That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.

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Whats the least paying job?

British dentist.

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Why do we need to go to college?

Student: Why do we need to go to college?
Teacher: So we can get a high paying job
Student: Why do we need a high paying job
Teacher: So we can get lots of money
Student: Why do we need lots of money
Teacher: So we can pay off our college loans

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Cash or check?

A duck walks into a convenience store to buy lip balm. When he gets to the checkout the clerk asks "Will you be paying with cash or check?" the duck replies "Put it on my bill."

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Just got in a fight with my girfriend...

It was about not listening or something, I don't know I wasn't paying attention.

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A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat...

A man walks into a pub, followed by an ostrich and a cat. He walks to the bar and asks for a a pint of beer. The ostrich asks for a pint of beer too, and the cat says "same as them, but I'm not paying." The bartender says "that'll be $22.50". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $22.50. The bartender asks, "how'd you do that?" and the man explains, "The other day I found an old lamp in the basement, so I rubbed it and out comes a genie. You know, he says he'll give me three wishes, so I ask him, I wish I always had exactly enough money in my pocket that I need." The bartender was visibly impressed! "Wow!", he exclaims, "That's amazing! When I hear people saying what they'd wish for, they say something like a million dollars or a fancy car, but that... that's the first time I've heard something practical! So, what else did you wish for?" The man shrugs and says, "A chick with long legs and a tight pussy..."

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It's Just a Joke.

A client had a reputation for not paying his bills, but George took the handyman's job anyway. And when he finished, sure enough, he left with a promise that the check would be in the mail soon.

Days later...no check, but he did get called back by the client who complained of an awful smell coming from den.

"I think I have an idea what it might be," said George. "But before I do anything, I need to be paid in cash for the first job."

Desperate, the man paid him on the spot. With that, George walked over to the fireplace and pulled out the dead fish he'd stashed there days earlier.

Moral of the story? There is none. It's just a joke.

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A Short Offensive and Original Joke

What did the man reply to his friend that found a good paying job taking care of mentally challenged people?

Answer: Oh, so it has its ups and downs.

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In Amsterdam you could watch live sex shows by paying 50 Euros.


That's nothing - In India, I watched a live rape just by buying a bus ticket.

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FREE BEER FOR LIFE

A guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the wall behind the bartender that reads: "FREE BEER FOR LIFE.. just ask your bartender how." Not paying much attention the guy walks over to the bar and orders a drink. After a half hour or so of having a few beers to himself he decides he's going to ask the bartender how he can get free beer for life. He approaches the bartender and says, "Excuse me how can I get free beer for life?" The bartender says "Well it's a simple three step process:

1. You have to eat a whole jar of habanero peppers.
2. You have to go into that first room where there's an alligator with a sore tooth, and you have to pull it out without getting a scratch on you.
3. In that second room there's a woman who has never had an orgasm, and your back has to be covered in scratches to prove that you gave her one."

So the man orders a few shots to get himself ready. After about five shots he grabs the jar of peppers and eats the whole thing as fast as he can, juice and all. With his mouth practically burning he orders a few more shots, downs them, and goes into the first room. As soon as he closes the door all the rest of the bar can hear is loud thrashing and yelling sounds coming form the room. After three minutes the guy opens the door, and walks out all sweaty and bleeding. Catching his breath the guy looks at the bartender and says:

"Alright, now where's the bitch with the sore tooth?"

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The half-wit

A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.

The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

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Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of the math class...

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

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A man walks into a tax collector's office with a huge bandage over his nose...

The tax collector looked at him, saw the bandage, and asked "Accident?" "No", the man said, "I've just been paying through it for so long..."

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Gay Couple on a Plane

A gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane.

"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.

"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a napkin, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy.

So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass..."

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The pharmacist

Peter walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store.

The next day he comes in again, buys condoms, and walks out laughing.

Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.

Sure enough, Peter comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

So did you follow him? asks pharmacist

Yup.

Where did he go?

Your house.

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My dad gave me a stamp collection for my birthday...

I said, "Did you buy these or save them from all the years of not paying child support."
-Courtesy of Tommy Johnagin

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There was a guy on a road trip who stopped at a rest stop at an Indian reservation

While paying for his items he asked that clerk about a strange man standing out front. The cashier said that's Running Wolf, he remembers everything. On his way out the man deciding to try out the Indians memory asks him what he had for breakfast. The Indian replies "Eggs". The man is slightly impressed but decides he has no better questions and leaves. Years latter the man unknowingly stops at the same rest stop and when he sees an old Indian man he greets him by saying "How". The Indian replies "Scrambled".

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Dual core processor

One time, a group of us guys were at the grocery store buying some beer. I was having a conversation with one of my friends at the checkout counter as I saw a really, really, hot girl. My eyes were attached to her and couldn't let go. I was able to keep up with the conversation despite not looking at my friend.

He then asked "Are you really paying attention or are you just looking at that hot chick?"

I replied, "No, I'm paying attention. I'm like a dual-core processor. One is for our conversation and the other is right now on the girl"

Then my other friend said, "I am dual-core as well. But both cores are hung on that girl. "

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Divorce

A a man in his 70's calls his son to tell him he and his mother are getting a divorce. "Dad, you can't do this! You're not thinking straight." The son calls his sister to talk about it, and she is in agreement; their parents cannot do this. "Dad, we're flying out there tomorrow. Do not sign any papers, contact any lawyers, or even thinking about going down to the courthouse." After the dad gets off the phone, he looks over at his wife and says, "It worked. They'll be here for Christmas and are paying their own airfare."

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Minimum Wage

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards got an anonymous tip that a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help. They immediately sent an official agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $350 a week plus free room and board.

GOVT AGENT: Well, those payments and conditions are within the law. Anybody else work here?

RANCHER: Well, I wasn't going to say. But there's also a mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work on the ranch. He makes about $10 per week, sometimes less. He pays his own room and board. I do buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life, but then sometimes he tries to make love to my wife.

GOVT AGENT: Okay, yes, then THAT's the guy I heard about, and need to talk to -- the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

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My aunt said this one

A new barber opened in town and his first customer is a Swiss man. After the haircut the man asks him "how much" and the barber says "I'm new so it's free, just tell all your friends about me." So the man leaves without paying. the next day he gives him an expensive watch as a 'thank you'.
Then a Chinese man comes and as before is told that there is no need to pay and to tell all of his friends about the barber. So he brings him a box full of porcelain dolls.
Then an Iraqi comes in and is told (as before) that there is no need to pay. So the next day the Iraqi man brings his whole family.

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The Montana Department of Employment

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

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No work done actually

Once a inspired person from science was struggling with his heavy luggage on airport so he planned to take help from a man who agreed to take it to his house with him and deal was that in return he has to pay 10 dollars.the moment they reached the destination the person was paying the money and suddenly a child shouted no need to give him money the man is a fraud who is charging u for no work done because work=f*d*cosp where p is the angle which is 90.

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A Buddhist monk, a priest, and a rabbi go to the barber for a haircut...

The priest goes in for a haircut first. When he was paying at the counter, the barber tells him that he is a man of god, so he doesn't have to pay. The priest thanks him, and the next morning the barber finds 10 gold coins on his counter.
The next day, the Buddhist monk goes in for a haircut. When he was paying, the barber tells him that he doesn't have to pay, as he was a monk and all of that meditating and praying was hard work. The next morning, the barber finds 10 rubies on his counter.
The next day, the rabbi goes in for a haircut. When he goes to pay, the barber tells him that he is a shepherd of his people and he does not have to pay. The Rabbi thanks him and leaves. The next day, 10 rabbis go into his shop for a haircut.

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Stick it out


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she
said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

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Like A Postcard at Sea.

I was doing my laundry without paying much attention and managed to spill my liquid detergent all over my hands.



Much like a postcard lost at sea,

My hands were enveloped by Tide.

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Courtesy of My grandpa

one day during class little Johnny is day dreaming as the teacher explains the lesson. The teacher noticed he wasn't paying attention and she asked him to repeat back to her what she had just said. "I don't know" he replied the teacher sighed and said "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" then little Johnny piped up "yes you can! You can stick its head underwater and suck on his ass!"

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Lawyer.

A lawyer parks his Ferrari across two parking spaces and opens his door without looking. A delivery truck smashes into the door, ripping it off of its hinges. The delivery truck driver screeches to a stop and comes over to inspect the damages.

The lawyer tears into him, telling him that he just destroyed a $300k car and that he and the next three generations of his descendants will be paying off the damages from the lawsuit he'll be facing.

The delivery truck driver: "you have to be a lawyer. You're yelling hysterically about a fucking car door, not even noticing that your left arm has been ripped off".

The lawyer: "MY ROLEX!!!!!!!"

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A pint

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a euro between them.

Paddy goes off and buys a sausage, Murphy says "Are you mad? Now we'r skint!"

"Come on" says Paddy, "follow me". They go into the pub, order 2 pints and drink them before paying. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans, and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out.

10 pubs and 10 pints later, Murphy says "I can't do this any more my knees are sore and I'm pissed."

"How do you think I feel", says Paddy, "I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

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A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.

The panda bear asks, What do you want?
The bartender replies, First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.
The panda bear turns around and says, Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!
The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read:

Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

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Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

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A guy walks into a bar with an emu and a cat.

He sits down at the bar, looks at the emu and says "Emu, want a drink?"

Emu replies: Yeah I'll have a drink!

He turns to the cat and says "Cat, want a drink?"

Cat says "Yeah I'll have a drink, but I'm not fucking paying!"

The man orders 3 beers, the bartender says "That'll be $9.90". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $9.90 and hands it to the bar tender.

After the beer the man turns to the emu and says "Emu, want a shot?"

Emu replies "Yeah I'll have a shot!"

He looks to the cat and says "Cat, want a shot?"

Cat says "Yeah I'll have a shot, but I'm not fucking paying!"

The man orders 3 shots from the bar tender. "That'll be $17.21". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $17.21 and hands it to the bartender.

The bartender says to the man "How do you have exactly the right change when you order a drink?" The man replies "I found a genie and he granted me three wishes. My first wish was that whenever I have to pay for something, I can just reach into my pocket and magically have exactly as much as I need to pay".

"That's amazing!" said the bartender "But, what's with the emu and the cat?"

"For my second wish" the man replied "I wished for a tall chick with long legs and a tight pussy".

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A blonde walks into a bar...

she wasn't paying attention.

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I have only been Half Paying attention to the news....

But apparently The Boston Marathon this year was the Bomb!


Too Soon?

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As a priest finishes paying for his hotel room, he says to the cashier:

"And can you make sure the porn in my room is disabled?"

Cashier: "right you are, you filthy bastard!"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best paying jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 47 puns about paying. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty paying gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these paying jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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