Paying Bills Jokes
110 paying bills jokes and hilarious paying bills puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about paying bills that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Paying Bills Short Jokes
Short paying bills jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The paying bills humour may include short paying rent jokes also.
- Breaking News: bill gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.
- My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.
- [First Date] Her: I'm usually attracted to men with power. Me: That's great, I always pay my electric bill on time.
- I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill... These are the darkest days of my life...
- The Doctor made me walk again... Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill
- My doctor gave me three months to live When I told him I wouldn't be able to come up with the money to pay the bill by then, he gave me three more.
- A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner… When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
- In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn't afford to pay the electricity bill. Those were the darkest days of our lives.
- Reporter: Herschel Walker, what do you think of the latest abortion bill? Herschel Walker: I think we should pay it.
- Netflix's new subscription fees are so high I've had to stop paying the heating bill, Brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill…
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Paying Bills One Liners
Which paying bills one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with paying bills? I can suggest the ones about medical bills and getting paid.
- I forgot to pay the bill for my exorsist Now I've been re-possessed.
- Why should you pay scientists with $50 bills? They're always looking for Grant money.
- How do dumplings pay their bills? With “pot-sticker checks”!
- Q: Why did hitter kill himself?
A: Because he could not pay the gas bill. - What do dinosaurs use to pay their bills? Tyrannosaurus Checks
- Why do Microsoft products cost money? You gotta pay the Bill
- How did the mortician get the money to pay his bills? He urned it.
- How does the Aussie Chessmaster pay his bills? Checkmate
- I cut my phone bill in half! It only took a moment and I wasn't going to pay it anyway.
- I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill. Now I'm in arrears.
- My friend fell sick because he couldn't pay his water bills.... I hope he gets Well soon!
- I've spent a lot of my life in brothels. I'm not proud of it, but it pays the bills.
- Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
- What's your favourite childhood memory? Not paying bills.
- What's it called when Batman forgets to pay the electric bill? A dark night.
Paying Bills Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about paying bills you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean saving money jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make paying bills pranks.
This is an awfully hard time for me financially.
Last month I was unable to pay the bills to my exorcist and as a consequence I have been repossessed.
Did you pay the VISA bill?
A man and a woman end up on a deserted island. He is desperate and cries:" oh, honey we're gonna die so young. Nobody will ever find us here!!!" She is very calm and relaxed. "Don't panic , dear, we'll be OK in few hours, I forgot to pay our VISA bill, the'll find us, don't worry"
Peeing in the Flowers...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
A man is at the doctor waiting for his test results...
"i'm sorry", says the doctor, "your test results are in and you only have 2 weeks to live". He hands the stunned man the results as well as the hospital bill. "Two weeks?!" says the man nervously, "I'll never be able to pay this bill of in time!"
Doc says, "ok, then you have 6 weeks to live".
Ethics done right
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
abortion bill
President Bush is sitting in the oval office when a secretary comes in and hands him a slip of paper. Bush asks what it is, and the secretary replies "it's the abortion bill. What do you want to do with it?" "Just go ahead and pay it".
A man moves into a haunted house
After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man's father has just passed...
The son is arranging the f**... and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".
A week after the f**..., the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.
A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The f**... was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The guys go to the f**... of their life-long pal...
After a long eulogy and some beautiful music, the guys are overcome with emotion. The first guy walks up to the casket of his buddy.
"I know it's just a small token, but for everything you've ever done for me, buddy, all the times you helped me out. This is the least I could do."
He tucks a $50 bill into his buddy's tuxedo pocket, and he staggers away sobbing.
The second man, inspired by the gesture, walks up and places his own $50 bill in his buddy's pocket. "For all the beers you bought me, that I never had a chance to pay you back for." And he staggers away sobbing.
The third man, a lawyer, not to be out-done, says, "I know it's just a small gesture, but for all the times you've been there for me when I needed you, here's a token of my gratitude."
And he writes a check for $150, and takes the two fifties in change.
I don't know why everyone is suddenly talking about Twerking...
My mate from yorkshire has been doing it for years. As he says, it's how he gets t'money t'pay t'bills.
World Cut Soccer
A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"
I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...
He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.
First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!
ABORTION BILL
A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."
In the words of Bill Murray...
An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.
One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."
A panda walks into a restaurant
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"
I was driving my moms car.
I was driving my moms car and she was yelling at me. Then i crashed her car into the garage she told me "You have to pay for the damage you've done." So now when i get the bill from the therapist i send it to her.
A man gets his Comcast bill through the mail.
He calls Comcast and complains that he has an eye problem. The operator asks "what does the eye problem have to do with paying your bill?" The man responds, " well, I don't see myself paying this bill."
A man is no longer able to work...
...so his wife decides to walk the streets to pay the bills. She comes home after the first night and says, "Harold, I'm home! Come on, I'm buying breakfast!"
Harold: "Great! How much did you make?"
Wife: "$38.25"
Harold: "Really? Who gave you 25 cents?"
Wife: "Everybody"
A man orders a coffee
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife and i need a vacation.
So my wife and i needed a vacation, however didn't have the money. So my wife suggests that for one year every time we have s**... we put $20 in a jar, at the end of the year we use the moeny to pay for a trip. A year goes by and we decide to count the money.. I count it and tell the wife we have $1200, but then i ask her i thought we agreed to only put $20 in the jar, why are there $50 and $100 bills? My wife replied, not everyone is as cheap as you!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man passes away...
A man passes away and his f**... is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives. The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing. A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notices a recurring bill of $120 a month. Confused, he called up his brother and asks him if he knows anything about it.
"Oh yeah" the brother replies. "Dad always wanted to go out in style so we rented him a tuxedo"
My father died recently and I came into a bunch of money. I decided to buy a car and pay cash...
and the man at the dealership asked me, "Why are all these bills so sticky?!"
If you bought a toupee for your friend Bill on a 4 month payment plan...
You'd have four bills to pay for Bill's toupee.
Why women live longer than men?
Because shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying bills does.
The cashier at my local grocery store hates me...
I'm always paying in 1$ bills and I use a lot of them. I attempted to calm her down with some humor.
"I'm an exotic dancer...and I'm really good at it", I said with a wink.
She replied with a glare, "I doubt that. If you were any good you'd be paying with $5's"
Why did the duck cross the road?
Waiter:"I don't know and I don't care, how exactly do you plan to pay for the meal you just bought Mr.Chicken?"
Chicken:"Just put it on my bill."
Waiter:"You don't have a bill..."
Chicken:"No bill? oh you shouldn't have, I'll see myself out!"
A duck, a deer, a skunk and an elephant are sitting in a bar
The end of the night rolls around and the waitress asks who is going to pay the tab.
The duck says that he can't pay because he only has one bill.
The deer says that she had a buck on her last night, but won't have any doe until spring.
The skunk says he can't pay because he only has one scent.
Finally, the elephant says "It's okay boys, the highballs are on me!"
I'm fed up with
being the only one who cleans the house, cooks every meal, does the dishes, the laundry and pays the bills.
I mean I live by myself, but still.
On the topic of good and bad news from the doctor...
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news for you!
Patient: So whats the good news?
Doctor: You won't have to pay anything for this visit!
Patient, confused: And the bad news?
Doctor: Well, we issue our bills quarterly, you'll be long dead by then.
United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane"
Largest bill for Chinese take out to date
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife told me she can only have s**... with me in the dark because she can't stand the sight of me.
Since then I haven't been paying our electric bill.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I spend more time at the w**... than I do at home.
Don't judge me, it pays the bills.
An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11
He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.
"Are you sure?" The cashier says.
"I don't like change." the man replies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...
She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.
"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.
"no" he replies: "I go to the s**... bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".
A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"
The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"
I was sitting in my room just thinking about my life, when I started wondering how things got to be so dark.
Then I realized I forgot to pay the electric bill.
What do taxidermists say when you don't have enough money to pay for a whole duck?
"I'll send you the bill"
I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?"
...
"I
CAN'T
PAY
THIS."
A duck walks into a bar...
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Busy all night
A married couple couldn't make ends meet and ran out of money. They decided since they had to pay the bills the wife would go to the streets to do some hooking.
The next morning she returns with $302 The husband says" Wow, thats great, but which assh*** gave you $2???". "All of them!" said the wife
All this Spending on Black Friday
Better make sure ya'll pay the electric bill first or next Friday will be Black Friday too
The average person has s**... 90 times a year.
Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
Restaurant signboard
A signboard outside a restaurant read "eat as much as you can, your grand children will pay the bill"... A man entered the restaurant and ate as much as he could, got a toothpick and was relaxing when the waiter gave him the bill. He laughed and pointed to the signboard, don't you see, "my grandchildren will pay" The waiter replied, "This is not your bill, it's your grandfather's bill".
Wet Joke
My Uncle Forgot to pay his water bill the other day.
I sent him a get *well* soon card
What's the difference between Trump and Bill Clinton?
Trump paid her $130k, Bill didn't even pay for dry-cleaning
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill?
They each pay for their own because men aren't complicated
If you think no one cares about you...
Stop paying your bills and see how many people want to talk to you.
To all the unpaid federal workers...
Don't worry about your bills...Mexico is gonna pay for it!
After once again being unable to pay my bill, the water company sent me a card this morning.
Get Well Soon
Old Mr. Blaustein goes to a restaurant..
he eats an expensive meal, drinks the best wine on the list and when it comes to paying the bill he leaves only 5 dollar tip.
The waiter keeps his face but can't help himself uttering "Yesterday your son ate here and he left 50 dollar tip!"
"Of course", says the old Blaustein, "he is the son of an american millionaire, but I am the son of a latvian truck driver"
The doctor said the man had 6 months to live
6 month pass
The man can't pay for the bills
The doctor gives him 6 more months
A Duck with two broken wings walks into a bar and orders a big take out of beer and wine. The Barman, puzzled, said " How are supposed to carry this load and pay for it ? " The Duck said..
...Put them on my Bill.
There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.
He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.
As they are marveling about this, the waitress comes up to them. The biker gang says that the truck driver wasn't much of a fighter.
The waitress then looks out into the night and says, He doesn't look to be much of a driver either. He just ran over 3 motorcycles.
Paying forward
A signboard outside a restaurant read
"Eat as much as you can, your grand children will pay the Bill".
A man entered the restaurant and ate as he could, got a toothpick and was relaxing. The waiter gave him the bill. He laughed and pointed to the signboard, don't you see, "only my grandchildren will pay" ! The waiter politely replied, " Sir, This is not your bill, it's your grandfather's Bill"........The man fainted....
Ideas are many to make Money.
An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal
"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.
The individual pulls out a $50 bill.
"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.
"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.
Three drunk men entered a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, and they didn't give him the destination they wanted so he decided not to drive but instead he wanted to play a trick on them by turning on the engine and staying there for a moment.
A while after doing so, the taxi driver turned the engine off and told the three drunk men they arrived.
The first man handed the driver a handful of pennies as he exited.
The second man gave the driver a $20 bill and said "Thanks".
The third man did not pay the driver, he gave him a little punch on the arm and said, "Don't speed, you almost had us killed."
I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....
The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God vs Satan
In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and h**... dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wall was build, Satan plays deaf and dumb when it comes to the bill.
After some time God is fed up with Satan's behaviour and confronts him. "If you dont pay your share, i'll sue you!"
Satan shrugs and laughs: "what are you going to do? I got all the lawyers here"
I've found a way to arouse a woman with just one finger.
All you have to do is lift it high enough so that the waiter or waitress can see that you are paying for the bill.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A close friend of a doctor, a dentist, and a lawyer dies
At the f**..., the doctor says to his two friends, Where I come from it is traditional to honor the deceased by placing money on him to take to the grave with his burial. So the other two agree to do this.
The doctor goes up to the coffin and after paying his last respects, places a $100 bill on the body. Next the dentist does the same thing.
Lastly, the lawyer goes up to the coffin, and after paying his last respect, picks up the two $100 bills and leaves a check for $300.
Once upon a time my dad gave me some money and told me to pay our power bill. However, I didn't pay it and instead spent all the money on a raffle where a new car was the prize. The very next day there was a brand new car in front of our house.
The car belonged to the electricians who came to cut our power off.
Not looking forward to one day having to buy a Quantum Laptop Computer...
I *still* haven't even finished paying the last bill from my Quantum Mechanic!
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks
I had to sell my car to pay the bill
Man walks into a bar
Bartender says sorry, the bar was too low. She raises the bar.
Man walks into bar but now can't pay the bill. The bar was too high.