Paying Attention Jokes
109 paying attention jokes and hilarious paying attention puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about paying attention that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Paying Attention Short Jokes
Short paying attention jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The paying attention humour may include short noticing jokes also.
- I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
- Everyone treats me like God They don't pay any attention to me or what I ask of them unless they want something.
- I was trying to think of a way to make my wife pay attention to me. So I sat down, relaxed... That did it.
- My baby daughter said her first word today! She said Neglect!
Or something like that at least. I don't remember, I wasn't really paying attention. - What is your best Chuck Norris joke(I'll start) Chuck Norris doesn't pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris
- Zoology Tip You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
- Jimmy: "mommy mommy, at school they tell me that I don't pay attention to detail..." woman: "jimmy, your house is two doors down"
- My boss said I'm a worker worth paying attention to. Unfortunately, he said it to the security guard.
- Did you hear about the guy who had ADD and schizophrenia? He heard voices, but could never pay attention long enough to them to do anything crazy.
- Did you hear about the Jockey that got fired for not pay attention to his job? Everyone got tired of his horsing around!
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Paying Attention One Liners
Which paying attention one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with paying attention? I can suggest the ones about attention and awareness.
- My parents are so poor They can't even pay attention to me
- I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.
- Which monster is best at paying attention to a speech? Mummies. They sit there rapt.
- Growing up, my dad was so broke... He couldn't even pay attention.
- A religious man wasn't paying attention when he was driving. His karma ran over a dogma.
- Kids: if anyone tells you you have adhd, pay no attention.
- My wife says I never pay any attention to her. I think that's what she said.
- What do you call someone who always pays attention while driving? A reckless driver.
- hey baby are you a fire alarm? because i'll only pay attention to you in an emergency
- Why wasn't the astronaut paying attention? Because he was spaced out.
- Pay no attention to the elephant in the room: it's ir-elephant.
- Allways pay attention when you're working around propellers If you don't, you'll be mist.
- I failed in my exams because i was poor.. So I couldn't pay attention
- What news does an underwater welder pay the most attention to? Current events.
- I'm like a stop sign. Everyone sees me but no one pays attention. Can you think of more?
Comical Paying Attention Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about paying attention you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean getting paid jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make paying attention pranks.
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
I need to start paying closer attention to stuff.
Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
I'm at my most amazing when no one is paying attention.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not Pregnant
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having s**... with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
Just got in a fight with my girfriend...
It was about not listening or something, I don't know I wasn't paying attention.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The s**... b**... instructor
It's 2:00 PM at the s**... bomber's academy. The instructor walks into the classroom to address the students:
"Kids, I know you're just back from lunch, and I know you're feeling a bit tired. But please pay very close attention, cause I'm only going to show you this once..."
Having bushy eyebrows are like dating twins...
...if you stop paying attention to them they'll touch eachother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tommy went to his mom in the kitchen and said: 'Mom! Mom! The dog is having s**...!'
So mom says: 'Try not to pay attention to it, sweetheart.' to which Tommy responds: 'But it hurts so much!'
Met a Dwarf Today....
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pay attention to f**... dress codes
Sombre is only a couple of letters away from Sombrero
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Be Careful Doing Drugs in Utah
I recently moved to Utah from San Francisco, and wasn't paying attention once when I wanted to party. I got my l**... mixed up with l**..., and instead of taking a Trip, I ended up on a 2 year mission to Fiji.
Those cheap Beats headphones might be fakes! Here's how to tell.
Connect headphones to a decent audio source. Play any music. Listen closely to the music.
1. Note the nuances of the bass. Is it clean and well-defined?
2. Are the high frequencies nice and crisp?
3. Pay attention to the mid-range frequencies - are they balanced with the high and low frequencies?
If you answered YES to any of the above steps - sorry, you were ripped off!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many child molesting priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Trick question, because in the dark it stays "our little secret!"
Sorry if s**......came to me while I was trying to not pay attention in a meeting.
A teacher was telling his students how striking magnets would make the magnets weaker.
Sam, who wasn't paying attention, asked the teacher to explain the concept again.
The teacher replied: 'No matter how attractive they are Sam, DON'T BANG THE MAGNETS'.
My ex asked me why I never payed attention to her
I told her to repeat that again, the TV was distracting me.
A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street
A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street and gets hit by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.
A policeman is despatched to inform the unfortunate man's family:
"There's no easy way to say this..."
I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light while not paying attention..
We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"
A man goes to see a film alone...
...and sits down next to a young boy, who has a golden retriever sitting on the seat aside him.
The film starts, but the man has a hard time paying attention. As the film progresses, his focus is increasingly diverted to the young boy and his golden retriever. The dog is laughing uproariously during all the funny scenes, gasping and pointing during all the shocking scenes, wooping and hurrahing during all the action scenes, and gently sobbing during all the dramatic scenes. By the end of the film, the man is utterly awestruck by this wondrous animal.
As the film draws to a close and the credits begin to roll, the man leans over and addresses the boy: "That animal of yours is absolutely amazing! He laughed, he cried, he gasped, he cheered. He enjoyed the film on every level that it could possibly be enjoyed. I am thoroughly impressed".
The boy says: "I'm impressed too! He hated the book..."
Anyone that tells you beer isn't a solution clearly didn't pay attention in science class.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
She said I didn't listen to her or something. Idk I wasn't really paying attention.
Always Pay Attention!
After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
Then the Nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:
"Who was that?
Girlfriends are like Gym Memberships
You have it, you just never pay attention to it.
Wife asks god for a better husband
Wife: Dear God , I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night.
I wish he would be more caring even if I got the smallest of scratches.
God then turned her into a smartphone.
DOCTOR TO PATIENT JOKE
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
They asked me earlier today what is beer made of
Unfortunately I didn't know the answer as I barley pay attention to those facts.
I should buy a wingsuit
It'd be a breeze to get around in, but if my mom were to get wind of it, I'd just have to wait for it to blow over. The amount of fun I'd be having would be sky-high, even. I'd have to pay attention though, wouldn't want my head in the clouds.
I should stop now, this is a hurricane of puns. But actually, I'm so happy about that. In fact, I'm on cloud nine!
Getting directions from Donald Trump is a lot like checking the hour on an analogue clock
Always pay attention to where the little hand is pointing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I tried explaining to someone why smoking w**... is bad for you.
To be blunt, I don't think they were paying much attention.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
t**... are like grandparents.
You don't really pay them too much attention, but you miss them when they're gone.
Teacher: I wish you'd pay a little attention, David.
David: I'm paying as little as I can, teacher.
My wife said that I need to pay more attention to what's going on around me.
So, in 2015, I'm going to try harder.
A man driving to the store finds no place to park...
He sees an empty parking spot and eagerly drives his car into the slot, paying no attention to the "Customer Only" sign. When he comes back, his car has disappeared. He storms into the bank, where he demands to know where his car went. The banker looks straight into his eyes and whispers "I towed you so."
A guy walks into a bar.
While walking in, he notices a glass of beer on the roof. Not paying much attention to it, he goes up to the bartender and says:
"So I read on the sign post outside that the first drink is free."
To which the bartender replies: "Yeah, first one's on the house."
A Professional
A man takes a taxi home after a long night of work
The taxi runs a red light
The man says "Be careful, we could've gotten in an accident!"
The driver replies "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi runs another red light
The man tells him to pay attention
The driver answers "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi stops at a green light
"The man screams "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?!"
"In case another professional drives by."
fleetwood Mac are releasing a new album
I don't pay much attention to them, but I've heard rumours
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why doesn't Trump care about Irma?
She's a 5 at best.
(Sorry if someone else said this, but I've been ducking away from the storm and not paying much attention to the sub)
Personally, I think one of the greatest things..
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are s**... but few are blind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
johnny in the math class
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is l**... her ice cream, one is s**... her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one s**... her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into a bar...
The bartender says "If you're not freaking out about Net Neutrality right now, you're not paying attention."
Dad's are like boomerangs...
If you don't pay attention to them they'll hit you in the face.
In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons.
You could say I was in a pickle.
Why are trees constantly paying attention to their surroundings?
Because inattentive trees risk becoming a little board.
Scientific research has proven that 90% of highschool students don't pay attention in class
Other 10% don't come to school
I wasn't paying attention and almost drove my car right into the front of a store.
Although it's hard not to when you're driving through a shopping mall.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You really have to pay attention in j**... class
You only get one instructor and one demonstration.
I've been ridiculed by both sides for not picking an ideology. The very fact that I can't clearly define which way I roll seems to enrages people.
I don't pay attention to how I put the toilet paper on.
My best friend at school is a giant and he's always getting told off for not paying attention.....
..... He constantly has his head in the clouds.
At the course of kamikaze soldiers, some students were clearly distracted
"Pay attention!", said the laborator assistant, "I'm not gonna show you twice."
On top of having ADHD, apparently i owe some guy money?
His name is Attention , and everyone keeps yelling at me to pay him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are New Yorkers always so distracted?
They can barely afford to pay rent, let alone attention.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the s**... b**...' teacher told their students in the practical lesson?
Pay attention, because I'll teach you guys ONLY ONCE!
GF: You're always on your phone, why do you not pay attention to me anymore!
BF: Maybe because my phone is smart and it actually reacts when I finger it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Eye
Sometimes when we have an event I have to give out clothes to our pupils,but no matter how match the audience pays attention to it,their special clothes cant be seen,not with the n**... eye anyways
People don't even pay attention
I bet you $13456324567 dollars you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realize I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked.
Have a good day!!
"What did you learn in the class about not listening?"
"I don't know. I wasn't paying attention, but I got an A+."
Studies show ADHD students cost the school more on average
Because they cannot afford to pay attention.
Women are like candles
They may be warm and smell good, but they'll burn your house down if you don't pay enough attention to them.
Politics joke
Politics are like inlaws..
You somewhat have to pay attention to them to stay in the know and you usually can't stand at least one of the candidates.
Three kinds of kisses
A long time ago I met a girl that taught me about the three kinds of kisses.
1. Peaches. Say the word. Pay attention to what your lips do. Peaches.
2. Apricots. Say it. Apricots.
You probably should get pretty far into the relationship before you are ready for the third type of kiss. You should know each other very well. You should be sure you are ready for....
Alfalfa.
What do horses eat?
Hay of course.
What do gay horses eat?
*Hayyyyyyyyy*
What do mad horses eat?
HEY!
*Disclaimer-I'm fairly certain I made the last line up, but have heard the previous two all through my childhood. It's much better told in person, especially if you really yell that last line. People think they already know the joke, the extra sentence gets them intrigued, then they're paying attention and super startled when you yell the final "hay".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the cheapskate have adhd?
Because he refused to pay attention.
A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR.
What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.
I was a really poor student...
My English teacher once told me that he loves cooking children and pets. He also tried to teach me about commas being really important but I didn't pay attention to that part.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....
...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"
He started counting... "uno....dos..."
And sure as s**... he disappeared without a Tres.
Heard this ADhD joke a while back. A man walks into a bar with a penguin and a foul-mouthed parrot and somehow wins a bet or something.
Sorry, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.