Paycheck Jokes

What are some Paycheck jokes?

Paychecks are like dicks...

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

Jesus turned water into wine

I turned a paycheck into whiskey. Your move Jesus.

Paybacktime


A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...

Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"

"That would suit me just fine!!!"

Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..

Lady of my dreams

The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!

She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".

A Russian joke about the police.

A police officer is called up by his boss and he says:

-I've been looking through the records and you haven't been collecting your paycheck.

The officer replies:

-Paycheck? I thought we just get a pistol and then we're on our own!

My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it.

They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!

I think my girlfriend is a magician.

She makes my paycheck disappear.

There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby...

... so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

Rabbi's wang-bang

The Rabbi and his wife were expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the congregation, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God,' but when we get too much we wear rubbers!"

A man left work

one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

I used to live paycheck to paycheck, but now...

...after years of hard work and commitment, I'm living direct deposit to direct deposit.

How do you starve a neurosurgeon?

Hide his paycheck with his kids.

I hate my job at the crematorium

But at last I urn a paycheck.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance

...I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Why did the man quit his job at the organic parsley farm?

They kept garnishing his paycheck.

a guy's wife died

so in her memory, every month, he takes half of his paycheck and throws in in the trash

They said to get in touch with my feminine side.

So I did, and my next paycheck was 22% less.

I added a zero to my paycheck today!

Zero plus zero is still zero...

-Love, this paper proves that I can't have children

- is it a medical exam?
-no, it's my paycheck.

If a guy says he can't feel anything while wearing a condom...

Ask him if he can feel the money being sucked out of his paycheck for the next 18 years

Kevin is on his way home after receiving his paycheck when a stomachache hit him..

Luckily, he was passing by a river.
Kevin ran for it and made a quick drop at the bank.

Where did the hamster deposit her paycheck?

Her shavings account

A woman has an affair..

A few weeks go by and the woman realizes she is late on her period. So she calls the man over to her house to discuss the issue.

"How could you let this happen?? If I have a child from you, you're going to provide for it!" The woman says.

"Of course, of course," the man replied. "If you have a son, I will give him two factories and 4 million dollars to set him for life. If it's a daughter, I'll give her 10 million dollars and have the CEO paycheck go straight to her for her life. If there are twins, I'll give each a factory and 2 million a piece."

The woman, stunned, says, "well what if it's a miscarriage?!"

Then the husband walks in and looks at the man and says "well then you better screw her again!"

Why did the bunny find some extra green in his paycheck?

Because he put in a little extra clovertime.

I stopped living paycheck to paycheck...

...now I live direct deposit to direct deposit.

The IRS is going to start garnishing my wages.

I think I'll enjoy getting a sprig of parsley in my paycheck.

Whays the most depressing part of your job?

Opening your paycheck.

A mathematician imagines depositing his next paycheck. A friend asks:"So, how much money do you have, anyway?"

The mathematician replies, "It's complex."

What does Monica Lewinsky going to the oval office and you cashing your paycheck have in common?

In both cases somebody leaves with a hand full of Bills.

How to get a 5-6 figure paycheck every 2 weeks

Count the .00

My boss asked me to send him the funniest joke i've got....

...I sent him a picture of my paycheck

Suicide Bombers must get a huge paycheck.

They do their job once and never return to work for life.

My Tums say they go to work in seconds

Well I've had the bottle for months and they haven't brought home even one paycheck or done any of the chores

Today I got my first paycheck from my fruit picking job.

It was Apple Pay.

Jimmy Norton Deserves More Criticism

Jimmy should have left the show. If he's actually interested in putting out a quality comedic product, how can he remain doing the O&J show?

I'm tired of people saying that "anyone would have taken the paycheck." Jimmy's a middle-aged man with no wife, no kids, a decent amount of assets, and multiple sources of income. Why is he always so concerned about money?

2 years ago, I worked a 6-figure job that I hated to pursue an art career. I make 1/3rd of what I used to, but I'm way happier and have no regrets. If I had a wife + kids, obviously it'd be different.

Unlike Patrice or Colin or Burr, Jimmy's always been more interested in being famous than being a great comedian, and that perspective is why he'll never be a great stand-up.

How to make Paycheck jokes?

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