paycheck Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious paycheck puns

What's the difference between a Penis and a paycheck?

After five years your Wife will still blow your paycheck

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What's the difference between my dick and my paycheck?

I don't have to beg my wife to blow my paycheck.

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Paychecks are like dicks...

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

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What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

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How is a penis and a paycheck the same?

Neither one is big enough to satisfy your wife

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Yo Mama so ugly,

She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheck.

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One hell of a job

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!

I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my paycheck in my pocket.

Oh, really?" she spat. Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!

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Jesus turned water into wine

I turned a paycheck into whiskey. Your move Jesus.

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Paybacktime


A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

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A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...

Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"

"That would suit me just fine!!!"

Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..

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Lady of my dreams

The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!

She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".

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A Russian joke about the police.

A police officer is called up by his boss and he says:

-I've been looking through the records and you haven't been collecting your paycheck.

The officer replies:

-Paycheck? I thought we just get a pistol and then we're on our own!

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My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it.

They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!

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I think my girlfriend is a magician.

She makes my paycheck disappear.

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What does a paycheck and a cock have in common?

Your wife wishes both were a bit bigger.

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There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby...

... so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

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Rabbi's wang-bang

The Rabbi and his wife were expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the congregation, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God,' but when we get too much we wear rubbers!"

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A man left work

one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

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I used to live paycheck to paycheck, but now...

...after years of hard work and commitment, I'm living direct deposit to direct deposit.

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I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

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What is the difference between a paycheck and a cock?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

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How do you starve a neurosurgeon?

Hide his paycheck with his kids.

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I hate my job at the crematorium

But at last I urn a paycheck.

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What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

A woman will always blow your paycheck

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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance

...I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

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Why did the man quit his job at the organic parsley farm?

They kept garnishing his paycheck.

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a guy's wife died

so in her memory, every month, he takes half of his paycheck and throws in in the trash

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They said to get in touch with my feminine side.

So I did, and my next paycheck was 22% less.

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TIFU by asking my wife what is the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

She said "there is a possibility of increase in size of your paycheck."

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I added a zero to my paycheck today!

Zero plus zero is still zero...

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What's the difference between your paycheck and your Penis?

I can find you a woman who will blow your paycheck.

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-Love, this paper proves that I can't have children

- is it a medical exam?
-no, it's my paycheck.

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Yo Mama so ugly.....

She went into a haunted house and left with a paycheck.

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What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

You don't have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck!

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Kevin is on his way home after receiving his paycheck when a stomachache hit him..

Luckily, he was passing by a river.
Kevin ran for it and made a quick drop at the bank.

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What are the most funny Paycheck jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Paycheck? Well, here are the best Paycheck dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Paycheck pick up lines to share with friends.

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