Pay Jokes
152 pay jokes and hilarious pay puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about pay that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to laugh at these hilarious jokes about pay. From equal pay to 13th month pay and gross pay to phone pay - we have it all covered. Don't forget about severance pay, hourly pay, rent pay and even unpaid pay! See which ones make you chuckle the most.
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Funniest Pay Short Jokes
Short pay jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The pay humour may include short rent jokes also.
- Breaking News: bill gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.
- Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.
- I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
- a guy got an interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board - Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million... Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!
- Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment! I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.
- My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.
- My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?
Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay. - EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that... [This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]
- Son asks dad how much does marriage cost? Dad: i don't know son I'm still paying for it
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Pay One Liners
Which pay one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with pay? I can suggest the ones about unpaid and phone pay.
- How do you get an art major off your front porch? Pay for the pizza!
- Mexico called. They are willing to pay for the wall now.
- An Apple fan walks into a bar.... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.
- A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays? Germany.
- Why does Djokovic pay with American Express Because he has no visa
- "I'd like this book on revenge please" Cashier: "You'll pay for that."
- What happens when you neglect to pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
- You really ought to hear this joke about Net Neutrality now. Or you'll pay for it later.
- Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit? He used praypal.
- America is a free country. Free to Play, but Pay to Win.
- I can't afford to pay for electricity anymore... these are some dark times.
- I used to work in a pizza shop It didn't pay much but I kneaded the dough.
- His original name was John Kennedy They added the F later to pay respects
- I've never tried cow tipping before. How much do you usually pay them?
- How do you get a bass player off of your porch? You pay for your pizza.
Pay Taxes Jokes
Here is a list of funny pay taxes jokes and even better pay taxes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's in common between Elon Musk and Homeless man They both do not pay taxes
- Why don't programers pay tax to the Devil? Because that would be a sin-tax issue.
- If you go to jail for tax evasion.... ....aren't you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.
- What's the difference between Donald Trump, and someone working at McDonald's ? The guy working at McDonald's has to pay income taxes.
- It would take approximately 42,000 no. 10 parties for Rishi Sunak to pay the amount his wife dodged in taxes last year
- Everyone should pay their income tax with a smile I tried - but they wanted cash.
- School Logic Me: What are taxes and how do I pay them?
School: Worry not
School: Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell - Don't forget to pay your taxes this year.... .....other countries and politicians are depending on you.
- My 6-Year-old came up to me While I was paying thetaxes on my laptop 6yr: What game are you playing?
Me: Paying the taxes.
6yr: Are you winning?
Me: No, In fact I lost 6 Years ago. - Did you hear about Trump's tax plan? Declare that the US has a $900 million loss so we all don't have to pay taxes!
Agreed Pay Jokes
Here is a list of funny agreed pay jokes and even better agreed pay puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- After yesterday's events Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.
- ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees. Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.
Pay Check Jokes
Here is a list of funny pay check jokes and even better pay check puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Chess Set "I'd like to buy this chess set please"
"How will you be paying, sir?"
"Check mate".. - How do dumplings pay their bills? With “pot-sticker checks”!
- What do dinosaurs use to pay their bills? Tyrannosaurus Checks
- I read that if you're unsure about how much to spend on an engagement ring, a monthly pay check is a good guideline. So I spent £200 and gave most of the ring to our landlord.
- What do I do if my boss insists on paying me under the table? I'd rather him just hand me my check standing up. It's hard to crawl under there.
- Getting directions from Donald Trump is a lot like checking the hour on an analogue clock Always pay attention to where the little hand is pointing
- I like my job but my boss keeps paying me under the table. I'm not sure why he has me crawl under there to hand me my pay check.
- A man takes a plate on a date out to dinner. After they have a nice dinner, they get the check. The plate says,
"Don't worry about paying for our food. It's all on me." - I don't need to pay the doctor for a prostate check up My uncle did it for free
- I just asked my father when the last time he donated money to a charity was... He replied every month on my pay check with how much is taken in taxes
Pay Respects Jokes
Here is a list of funny pay respects jokes and even better pay respects puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was going to get up early to join the queue to pay respects to the Queen. But I slept in. Guess I'm not a mourning person.
- Hexadecimal is dying. Press 15 to pay respects.
- If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get? An F.
To pay respects. - I thought making a pun about the mars rover would be appreciated But since everyone is pressing F to pay respect it just means that it's a missed oppertunity
- Why don't poor people go to funerals? They can't afford to pay respects.
- I want to pay respects to the Mars Rover that NASA lost contact with. It's a missed Opportunity.
- You ever hear about the hipster cowboy? He went to pay respects to the people buried at Boot Hill.
. . .you've probably never heard of them, because they're so underground. - During class, I told my teacher that my grandfather had died. She gave me an F on my quiz to pay respects
- Pressing F to pay respects watching Bitcoin price drop below $4000 Can't say the same thing being paid in guaranteed value.
- The keyboard shortcut for "find" was originally just Ctrl. The F was added to pay respect to those who were never found.
Equal Pay Jokes
Here is a list of funny equal pay jokes and even better equal pay puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Equal pay for women is not where it needs to be. Whatever Beyonce is making, I want that.
Twitter @caredee - My wife wants pay equality.... I told her I would do 1 better and gave her $1 to mow the grass.
- Men and women, in the year 2014, are becoming more and more equal But pay-grade wise, there is still a vas deferens between them
Pay Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about pay you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean severance pay jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make pay pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.
You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.
Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.
My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee
Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"
War
A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.
Well, answered the Priest, That's not a sin.
But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed. The Dutchman said.
The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.
The Dutchman exclaimed Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.
What is it son? ask the priest.
The Dutchman whispered Do I have to tell him the war is over?
A Guy walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**...: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed Man: I'll pay $50
h**...: You're a man of class :)
Man: Class my a**..., I want it five times on grass
A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.
The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?
The judge says, That is correct.
And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?
No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.
The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guys, abortion may be i**... soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she's an anti-vaxxer.
Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you'll only have to pay for 3.
A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.
She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.
My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up...
A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only £500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy races into a bar looking very flustered and says to the bartender "Quick, give me a shot of your finest Scotch before the trouble starts"
The guy downs the scotch in a single gulp and glancing nervously towards the doors says **"Quick, give me another shot of you finest Scotch before the trouble starts"**
The guy downs that Scotch too and says, ***"Quick, another shot before the trouble starts".*** The barman pauses and says ***"Ok but I need you to pay for the other shots first"***
The guy looks the barman in the eye and says ***"It looks like the trouble has started"******.***
A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill
The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.
The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.
In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me n**......
...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.
Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...
I hope he isnt beating himself up over this
EA have been hit by ransomware and need to pay up to $7,000,000
Hackers claim they want EA to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when they finally unlock their information
Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
If U.S. taxpayers had to pay maternity leave....
The right to abortion would be the first amendment.
A duck walks into a bar...
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."
The elites and nobles of Ancient Greece would often pay Diogenes with grapes or bread in exchange for his wisdom.
It's food for thought.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two blind men.
This morning I had to break up a fight on the sidewalk. Two blind men going at it with their canes.
I said: "Break it up guys,What the h**... is going on here!"
Blind man 1:"You owe me fifty dollars!"
Blind man 2: "I don't understand what the h**... his problem is!, I told YOU! ,"I WILL PAY YOU THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... is like pizza
Even if it's bad I still gotta pay for it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A female nudist calls for a taxi
The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.
At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a n**... girl before?
Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.
Because our air conditioner broke.
And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.
I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great
But it's a job I can see myself doing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pornhub premium users are like jesus
They pay for our sins.
I loaned a blind guy some money...
It's ok though. He said he'd pay me back next time he saw me.
[First Date] Her: I'm usually attracted to men with power.
Me: That's great, I always pay my electric bill on time.
I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...
I just kneaded the dough
I'm sorry, I'll leave now...
Did you hear about the guy who had to be exorcised?
He couldn't pay the priest afterwards and got repossessed.
A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button
He had to pay in order to use additional features
TIL cow tipping is an urban myth.
Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.
I finally caught her.
I jumped into a cab and asked the driver to follow my wife's car. From a safe distance, I saw her turn into the motel parking lot. I told the cabbie, "I'll pay you an extra $100 if you go in there and bring her out."
Without hesitating, he jumped out of the car and trotted to the motel. After a few minutes, during which I could hear a lot of commotion, he came back to the car, dragging a woman by the arm. "Hey, what gives?", I protested. "This isn't my wife!" "I know, she's mine. I'll be right back with yours."
A husband leaves his money in the attic...
His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.
The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."
A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm p**... I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says s**... down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill...
These are the darkest days of my life...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women see s**... like buying a car
Can I see myself in this long term?
Is it safe?
Is it reliable?
Can it kill me?
Guys look at s**... like parking a car.
There's a spot.
There's another spot.
Oh I have to pay? Never-mind.
Handicapped? Hope no-one sees this!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend started selling his own body parts to make money
First it was just one of his fingers to pay some bills off. When he realised how much he could make he sold even more body parts. Sitting in his mansion, rich enough to afford not to work, he asked me what I thought about him selling even more body parts.
I told him, I think you should quit while you're a head.
Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!
A man walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!"
"Before what gets started?"
"Never mind, just give me a whisky, quick!"
It sounds urgent, so the barman gives him a drink.
The customer downs it in one gulp and says, "Another, quick, before it gets started!"
The barman gives him another whisky.
But when the man asks for a third one he says, "Hang on, when are you going to pay for these?"
"Oh here we go," says the man, "It's started."
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."
"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest
"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."
"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."
"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"
"Of course, my son."
"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
I was disappointed to have to pay for my new roof
they promised me it would be on the house
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.
CEO comes up and asks his salary.
The man replies - $1000
The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !
The man leaves.
The CEO asks workers - who was this guy ?
They reply - a pizza delivery man.
Mario goes to court
The judge says: you must pay the court $12,000.
Mario, surpised, asks: Why?
The judge replies: It's a fine.
Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: No itsa not.
Milk joke
Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A n**... lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink
A n**... lady goes to a bar, asks for a drink.
Bartender stares at her. Lady said, "Never seen a n**... woman?"
Bartender replied, "Nah, just wondering, how are you going to pay?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My cousin is so poor....
that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just found out s**... banks pay for your sample....
To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to get a liberal arts graduate off of your porch?
Pay him for the pizza
I got fired from my job as a cashier today...
This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."
I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"
A man's car gets haunted by a ghost
So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.
The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.
Cleaning mirrors for a living might not pay much
But it's definitely something I could see myself doing
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset... She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt?
So they would end up with seasoned veterans.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me b**..., bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
It's a good thing that the Ghostbusters don't charge a lot of money
because if you couldn't pay, they'd have to come back and re-possess your house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... is like Kebab. When it's good, it's really good...
...and when I'm drunk I'm willing to pay for it in a roadside turkish buffet.
Going to Vegas
A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
...Next Day...
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom:...
How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?
Cheque, mate.
