Pay Jokes

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.

You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.

Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me.

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee

Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at s**... than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

How do you get an art major off your front porch?

Pay for the pizza!

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"

The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.

"Nah, the steaks are too high"

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...

Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!

War

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.

Well, answered the Priest, That's not a sin.

But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed. The Dutchman said.

The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.

The Dutchman exclaimed Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.

What is it son? ask the priest.

The Dutchman whispered Do I have to tell him the war is over?

A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

h**...: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed Man: I'll pay $50

h**...: You're a man of class :)

Man: Class my a**..., I want it five times on grass

Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?

The judge says, That is correct.

And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?

No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.

The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

Guys, abortion may be i**... soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she's an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you'll only have to pay for 3.

My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only £500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'

All the proof you need.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"

Guy races into a bar looking very flustered and says to the bartender "Quick, give me a shot of your finest Scotch before the trouble starts"

The guy downs the scotch in a single gulp and glancing nervously towards the doors says **"Quick, give me another shot of you finest Scotch before the trouble starts"**

The guy downs that Scotch too and says, ***"Quick, another shot before the trouble starts".*** The barman pauses and says ***"Ok but I need you to pay for the other shots first"***

The guy looks the barman in the eye and says ***"It looks like the trouble has started"******.***

My seatmate on a flight was a woman.

Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?

Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay.

EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that...

[This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]

A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me n**......

...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

EA have been hit by ransomware and need to pay up to $7,000,000

Hackers claim they want EA to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when they finally unlock their information

A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:

"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"

The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:

"Nah, the stakes are too high."

Why does Djokovic pay with American Express

Because he has no visa

How can you donate money to Taliban?

Just pay your taxes in United States

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"

The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.

When I was a boy my dad gave me money....

When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**... but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.
....Dad beat my a**... again ....

"I'd like this book on revenge please"

Cashier: "You'll pay for that."

If U.S. taxpayers had to pay maternity leave....

The right to abortion would be the first amendment.

A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.

The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."

A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"

The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."

The elites and nobles of Ancient Greece would often pay Diogenes with grapes or bread in exchange for his wisdom.

It's food for thought.

Two blind men.

This morning I had to break up a fight on the sidewalk. Two blind men going at it with their canes.
I said: "Break it up guys,What the h**... is going on here!"
Blind man 1:"You owe me fifty dollars!"
Blind man 2: "I don't understand what the h**... his problem is!, I told YOU! ,"I WILL PAY YOU THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU!"

s**... is like pizza

Even if it's bad I still gotta pay for it.

A female nudist calls for a taxi

The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.

At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a n**... girl before?

Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

My last job was circumcising elephants

The pay wasn't great but the tips were huge.

What happens when you neglect to pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

You really ought to hear this joke about Net Neutrality now.

Or you'll pay for it later.

Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit?

He used praypal.

Pornhub premium users are like jesus

They pay for our sins.

America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

I can't afford to pay for electricity anymore...

these are some dark times.

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism?

He got repossessed.

I got a new job circumcizing elephants

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous

I loaned a blind guy some money...

It's ok though. He said he'd pay me back next time he saw me.

[First Date] Her: I'm usually attracted to men with power.

Me: That's great, I always pay my electric bill on time.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont pay attention but call her fat once and she will never forget. Thats because elephants never forget.

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough

I'm sorry, I'll leave now...

Did you hear about the guy who had to be exorcised?

He couldn't pay the priest afterwards and got repossessed.

A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy

The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"

The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"

A man from out of town walks into a bar...

he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.

How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced?

A buccaneer :D

I went for a job interview at EA Games today.

The interviewer said to me, The second part of your resume is missing.

I said, For the second part, you have to pay $20.

When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$.

I guess that's why the captain always goes down with the ship.