Uproarious Paws Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
A bear walks in to a bar.
Bartender greets him and happily takes his order.
Bartender: What can I get you for?
Bear: Ill have a jack and......... coke.
Bartender: Why the big pause?
Bear: (looks at paws) I've had them all my life.
So a bear walks into a bar...
the bartender asks him what he'd like to drink. the bear replies "i'll have a rum............................................................and coke"
the bartender asks, "why the big pause?"
the bear raises his paws to the bartender's face and yells "HELLO?! I'M A BEAR"
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
A bear walks into a bar..
*Goes up to the bartender*
Bear: "Hi, I'd like a gin...................and tonic."
Bartender: "Sure, but what's with the big pause?"
*bear looks at own paws*
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He paws it
A guy calls his local butchery...
- Do you have chicken paws?
- Yes
- Do you have chicken wings?
- Yes, I do
- Do you have pig's head?
- Sure
- You must look really funny then
Sore Paws
Little Johnny calls his dad, 'Dad those two dogs over there, why is the one at the front giving the one at the back a ride?'
'Errr, hmm, well son, the one at the back has saw front paws, so the one at the front is giving him a lift home'
'It's always the same innit dad'
'What's that son?'
'You try and help someone out, you end up getting fucked!'
An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,
He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"
And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"
The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."
The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."
-Frank De Lima
Little Johnny saw two dogs having sex in the park...
... so he asks his mother what's going on.
The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the doggie in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."
Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"
The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"
"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting screwed."
helpful dog
A man and his son come across two dogs humping. The son says, "Dad, what are those dogs doing?"
His father replies, "Well, the dog on top must have hurt his two front paws, and that dog on the bottom is helping him home."
The son says, "It just figures -- you try to help someone out, and they screw you."
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
You can explore paws eeyore reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean paws meow dad jokes. There are also paws puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why wasn't the cat moving?
It was on paws
A panda walks into a bar
He tells the bartender, "I'll have a scotch and....................................................a coke, thank you."
"Sure thing," replied the bartender, "but why the big pause?"
"I was born with them," says the panda raising his paws.
Where do theatrical cats wear their gloves?
On their...
Dramatic Paws
Why are cats so bad at video games?
Because they can only press paws.
A bear walks into a bar
the bartender said
"What would you like?"
and the bear said
"I want...
a beer please"
then the bartender said
"Why the big paws??"
What's the difference between a semicolon and a cat?
One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.
What has 2 paws and bleeds a lot?
What has 2 paws and bleeds a lot?
Half a dog.
(Best spoken) A bear walks into a bar
A bear walked into a bar.
The bartender asked "What would you like?"
Bear says. "I'd like a beer... .... ...... and some peanuts"
Bartender asks "Why the big paws?"
A lynx walks into a bar
A lynx walks into a bar and says "Hey Barkeep! Mix me up a...
...
...
Jackrabbit."
The bartender says, "you got it buddy, but what's with the big paws?"
A bear walks into a bar
A bear walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Bear: Can I get a ......................................………………..........................................................................................................................................................beer.
Bartender: What's with the big paws?
A man took his dog to the movie with him...
...and during the movie the dog howled with laughter at the jokes, wagged his tail merrily and at the end put his paws together and applauded. The movie staff saw this and were bewildered so after the movie one of the ushers approached the man and said to him, "We were all amazed, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie." And the man said, "I know, it's so weird! He hated the book."
I've started calling the smallest of my three dogs 'grandma'
She has mini paws
What's a dogs favorite button on the remote?
The paws button
A panda walks into a bar...
A panda walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender and says, "Can I get a
.
.
.
.
glass of water?"
The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"
*ba-dum-tshh*
A deformed cat walks into a bar
The bartender says:
"What can I do for you?"
To which the cat immediately replies:
"I'll have a gla-..."
"..."
"..."
"-ss of your finest milk please!"
And so the bartender places the glass of milk onto the bar table.
To which the cat, from all the way of the other end of the bar table, scoops it up and pulls it over without getting up from his seat.
And the bartender says:
"So I gotta ask"
"Why the long paws?"
Rabbits died
My neighbor's pair of pet rabbits died unexpectedly within hours of each other. She was distraught. I suggested she go to my friend the taxidermist. When she arrived, my friend tried to console her and she asked him if he could create a memorial. "Of course", he replied. He explained that he could stuff them and they would almost look lifelike. He asked if she would like them mounted.
"No" she said, "holding paws would be fine."
Why is my cat constantly embarrassed?
Because he always has fou' paws!
A bear walks into a restaurant
And says Waiter................... I'd like a steak
The waiter says Sure, but why the big paws?
Bear walks into bar...
Bear asks deer...
(Time passes)
Can I have a drink?
Deer says, why the long paws?
Why'd it take so long for the two legged cat to cross the road?
It had two paws
A bear walks into a bar
He says to the bartender : "I'll have a gin... ... ... ... ... and tonic"
The confused bartender asks: "what's with the big pause"
"Oh these" *lifts up paws * "I was born with them"
I don't know why, but I find it hard to trust people who sell lucky rabbit's feet.
They give me paws.
Why do dogs have a hard time listening to music?
Because they keep pressing paws
What's the difference between a cheetah and a comma?
A cheetah has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause
A bear walks into a bar
And asks the bartender,
"I'll have a...
...
Whisky"
The bartender says, "why the big paws"
When women get to a certain age they begin to accumulate cats
This is known as many paws.
I went on a date last night and I knew the girl was a little kinky but then she showed me the furry outfit she wanted me to wear...
It gave me paws.
I guess if your dog had prosthetic feet...
They'd be going through many paws
My computer mouse isn't working properly
It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
When women get to a certain age, they start collecting cats.....
This is known as the many paws.
Dog paws smell like Fritos. What to horse hooves smell like?
A broken nose.
a bear walks into a bar and orders a burger then pauses for a while and says a large soda aswell
the bartender says why the long paws
Wolf and Lion
The lion called out to the wolf:
-Hey wolf! Come on, let's talk.
-No way. You're going to eat me.
-I won't eat you. If you don't believe me, I'll tie my paws and my mouth.
When the lion tied his paws and mouth, the wolf approached with excitement.
-"Good but", said the lion... "Why are you so happy?"
Wolf replied:
-I'm going to eat a lion for the first time...
I just adopted two puppies the other day. I love them so much but they're so distracting whenever I try to watch a movie.
They keep pressing paws.
I've finally taught my dog to fetch a glass of red wine.
He's a Bordeaux Collie
And yes, he paws it himself...
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."
A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.
Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks."
Why can't bears watch tv?
B/c they're always hitting the paws button
Why couldn't the cat watch the movie?
The video was stuck on paws.
The cat walks all over my keyboard while I'm gaming.
And just as I've always told my parents I have to tell the cat, I'm playing online, I can't paws it.
What's a cat's favorite part of a video game?
The PAWS button!
