Patrons Jokes
58 patrons jokes and hilarious patrons puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about patrons that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Patrons Short Jokes
Short patrons jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The patrons humour may include short bar patron jokes also.
- Pavlov is sitting at a bar... ...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
- Restaurant patron: Waiter, I'd like a bottle of wine. Waiter: What year, sir?
Patron: Well, I'd like it right now. - What do AMC and Robinhood have in common? Like AMC, Robinhood is asking their patrons to please turn their cell phones off as they are disturbing its customers.
- What do you call an arrogant patronizing thief coming down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
- what do you call a patronizing criminal walking down stairs a condescending con descending
- Why did the feminist's bakery go out of business? She told people to stop patronizing her.
- A pub near my house has a calculus trivia night They want their patrons to drink and derive
- Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away? The headline in the paper read,
> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts. - So a rhino walks into a bar... and several patrons pay their tabs and leave because they see the danger in this situation.
- Since passing my art exam, I've become very patronizing. If you don't know what that means, I'll draw you a picture.
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Patrons One Liners
Which patrons one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with patrons? I can suggest the ones about supporters and patronizing.
- Why did the accordionist cross the road? To escape from the angry mob of bar patrons.
- Who the patron saint of surveillance? St Francis of a CCTV.
- Who is the patron saint of 'reply all'? St. Francis of a CC
- Two bears walk into a bar. All the patrons ran out of the back screaming.
- Nigel Farage walks into a bar Convinces the patrons to set it on fire, and then leaves.
- Who is the patron saint of copying people into emails? St. Francis of a CC
- How does Harry Potter order tequila shots? Patron us!
- Some people say I'm condescending. That's when you patronize someone BTW.
- Today I found out who the patron saint of silence is. It's St.Fu
- What do you call a patronizing criminal who happens to be skydiving? Condesending.
- ELI5 Why do I always feel like i'm being patronized?
- Do you even know what patronizing means?
- What did Harry Potter order when he went to the bar? Expecto-Patron-On-Ice
- A Rabbi and the Pope walk in a bar... A bar patron says, "Hey, what is this, a joke?"
- you can always vote with your pocketbook... just stop patronizing all google products
Gather Around for Fun Patrons Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about patrons you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lords jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make patrons pranks.
I can tell bad jokes too - A dog limps into a saloon...
As the batwing doors swing closed behind him, the patrons turn to eye the stranger up.
The dog c**... looks around the dim, smoky room and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A pirate walks into a bar...
...with a ships wheel on his c**.... One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your c**..., right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Was in a pub the other day...
Was in a pub the other day as one of the patrons was teliing the classic "What do you do if an epileptic person has a fit in the bath? Throw in the washing!" as a big burly guy walks over and says, "I don't think that's funny. My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."
"Sorry, did he drown?"
"No. He choked on a sock."
The Costume Party
The local pub once held a costume party. The bartender announced to the patrons that they must all come dressed up as their "love life". Sure enough, the day of the party arrives and the bartender spots some old g**... dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says "Oi, mate. You were supposed to come dressed up as your love life!"
With a shrug and a sly grin the other man says "Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."
Version of previous post.
One of the patrons at a bar opened a bag of potato chips and gave it to the bartender's dog. When the dog ate the contents of the bag, he lay down and started grooming his g**.... A guy says to his friend ''I wish I could do that.'' The friend replies ''Well give him a chip and maybe he will let you.''
Two strippers at a night club had a routine together...
...but their dance moves and styles were so off, they often got complaints from the patrons. After being confronted by their manager, one stripper said to the other, "We just gotta get our act right. We gotta learn t'werk together."
An elderly man walks into a bar
He hears the other patrons discussing marriage. "My wife and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary next week," he proudly tells them. "That's wonderful," one of the others says, "What's your secret for a long and happy marriaige?" "Well, you've got to do nice things for her," he explains. "Such as what?" the others ask. "Well, for example for our 25th anniversary I took her to Ireland." "That is nice," they others agree. "What are you doing for your 50th?" "Going back to visit her."
Jesus, a local atheist, and a Christian lady walk into a bar
in Mexico City. Jesus and the Christian lady ended up having a heated conversation about religion, which made many of the other patrons quite uncomfortable.
A Jihadist, a p**... and a mass m**... walks into a gay bar. What is he doing?
Killing the patrons for being sinful.
Two hydrogen atoms
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first says "I think I've been ionized".
The second replied " are you sure" and the first responded "yes I'm positive".
After hearing this conversation the bartender kicked them out and said to the other patrons "don't anthropomorphize atoms, they don't like it"
A pony walks into a bar...
A pony walks into a bar, and is stared at by the bartender and patrons. He makes his way up to the bar, and in a raspy voice asks the bartender for a glass of water. He quickly downs the glass, clears his t**..., and says, "you'll have to excuse me, I'm a little hoarse"
I like to do my laundry n**... so that all my clothes are clean.
Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.
A Pentium processor engineer is counting visitors to a bar
He's counted 12.000000000057249999 patrons so far.
Two guys got lost in the Egyptian desert
Both christians, one named John and the other named Thomas. They were starving and about to collapse when they spotted a Mosque, They rushed there for help. The Imam came out and asked for their names, John came up with 'Abdullah' in a panic and Thomas just said his name. The Imam hastily told the patrons to give Thomas food and water. While John had to wait and finish his fast.
So my bf and I walk into a bar. We notice this guy kept hitting on the female bartender by telling her corny jokes as she fake chuckles.
One joke involved him asking her why no one trusted atoms. (Because they make up everything). My bf retaliates with his own joke... 'What do female bartenders like most about their male Patrons?.... Just the tip' 😎
There was time in the old west
A dog with three legs walks into a saloon, he slams open the doors, looks around at the startled patrons and asks, "Anyone seen my PAW?"
What do you call a brothel that serves appetizers to its patrons?
*w**... d'oeuvre*
A guy walks into a bar
He sees some meat hanging off the ceiling. Curious he asks the bartender,
"What's with all the hanging meat?"
Bartender replies, "It's a challenge for the patrons. If you can touch the meat, you win $1000. If you can't, I pluck one of your eyeballs out."
The man looks at the floor, then looks up to the ceiling. He then says,
"I won't do it...the steaks are too high."
Why did Bolvar Fordragon get fired from his job as a waiter?
He kept yelling, "I will NEVER serve you" to the patrons.
The letter K walks into a bar...
Bartender: We don't allow any noisy patrons in here.
K: No problem, I'm mostly silent anyway.
A cashew walks into a bar
...and announces himself. All the patrons turn around and say "Bless you!"
A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear
The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."
The bartender asked why I carry a sword on me at the bar
I said "Mimics"
The bartender laughed, the patrons laughed, the table laughed, we killed the table.
It was a good time.
Waking downtown in front of a gay bar I noticed there wasn't a door.
Seems all the patrons prefer the back entrance.
Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations
Patrons may no longer order black coffee.
A German man went to London
While there, he decided to take in the atmosphere of the Great British Pub, and got talking with one of the patrons.
So, where in Germany are you from? he asked, after a couple of beers.
Dresden, the German man replied.
Ah, Dresden! My father used to fly there three times a week.
On business?
No, in a Lancaster bomber.
Went to the Dad Bar the other night...
It was a slow night. There was only the bartender and few other dads sitting at the bar.
I walked up to the bar and the bartender greeted me, "How are ya?"
I replied, "I am thirsty."
Everyone shouted out, "Hi Thirsty!"
The bartender continued pointing to the other patrons, "and this is 'Starving, Tired, and uh...h**...."
A gay man walks into a bar...
And says to one of the patrons, "Mind if I push in your stool?"
A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.
Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.
Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.
He places a twenty on the bar, and as he walks out, he bellows "When Big Tony pays, everybody pays!"
A dog walks into a saloon
All the patrons go quiet as they look at the dog who's wearing spurs and a cowboy hat, with a gun on his hip.
The bartender says, now listen here partner, we don't want any trouble. What's your business?
The dog lets out a faint growl, lifts up his front right leg and replies, I'm looking for the man who shot my pa .
My career's in ruins!
A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.
He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, What's the occasion?
My career's in ruins! the lad cackles.
The man, shocked, replies, Then why the h**... are you celebrating?
I've just completed my PhD in archaeology!
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer.
The bartender informs him that he is not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested that the drunk prove he isn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then nudges him in the ribs saying, "Hey, Pal, I think your girl friend has gone home."
An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"
The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.
He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.
"Did you see my face?"
"Yes"
BANG, he shoots him.
He then points it at the second guy.
"Did you see my face?"
The second guy points at a woman sitting far off in the reception area.
"No, but my mother in law did!"
So I went to this Vietnamese Resturaunt
...when I saw some patrons stomp out angrily muttering about someone being rude. It smelled so good I was undeterred. There was a soup station where they put it all together in front of you. I asked the host how.it worked and he pointed and said "pho queue over there"
A man walks into a bar
And pulls out a small piano, a small chair, and a small man. Theman walks over to the piano and starts playing it.
Everyone in the bar is amazed. They ask the man how he did it.
There's a genie outside granting wishes, says the man.
Upon hearing this, one of the bar patrons runs out of the bar and asks the genie, Are you granting wishes?
The genie says yes, so the man asks, give me a million bucks! And bam! A million ducks appear.
The guy goes back into the bar and says, hey! That genie is deaf!
The other guys replies, yeah, I know. Do you think i'd ask for a 12-inch pianist?
An officer sees a man leave the bar at closing time and walk in a drunken fashion, trying to enter each car parked there.
The officer thinks to himself I have got an easy catch. Meanwhile while this is going in, the other patrons enter their own cars and drive off.
When the drunken man finally climbs in his own car and pulls out, the cop is waiting for him and gives a breath analyser test.
To his surprise, it shows a reading of 0.0. Confused, the cop asks the driver, how?
To which the driver replies - Tonight, I am the designated decoy.
Patrons at the zoo were astonished to see an old man jump over the bars of the lion's cage
Seemingly oblivious to the danger, he walked among the fierce creatures holding the latest bestselling book in his hands, intently perusing its contents. The spectators were beside themselves.
"What in the world is he doing?" shouted one.
"Is he crazy? He's going to get killed!" yelled another.
"Don't worry about him," replied the man's son. "That's just my dad. He likes to read between the lions."
