Patrons Jokes
58 patrons jokes and hilarious patrons puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about patrons that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Patrons Short Jokes
Short patrons jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The patrons humour may include short bar patron jokes also.
- Pavlov is sitting at a bar... ...when another patron walks in and a bell on the door rings. Pavlov stands up, says, "I forgot to feed the dogs," and leaves.
- Restaurant patron: Waiter, I'd like a bottle of wine. Waiter: What year, sir?
Patron: Well, I'd like it right now. - What do AMC and Robinhood have in common? Like AMC, Robinhood is asking their patrons to please turn their cell phones off as they are disturbing its customers.
- Why did the feminist's bakery go out of business? She told people to stop patronizing her.
- A pub near my house has a calculus trivia night They want their patrons to drink and derive
- So a rhino walks into a bar... and several patrons pay their tabs and leave because they see the danger in this situation.
- Since passing my art exam, I've become very patronizing. If you don't know what that means, I'll draw you a picture.
- Today we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into an unintelligible rabble. Or as the Irish call it... breakfast.
- Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations Patrons may no longer order black coffee.
- The letter K walks into a bar... Bartender: We don't allow any noisy patrons in here.
K: No problem, I'm mostly silent anyway.
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Patrons One Liners
Which patrons one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with patrons? I can suggest the ones about supporters and patronizing.
- Why did the accordionist cross the road? To escape from the angry mob of bar patrons.
- Who the patron saint of surveillance? St Francis of a CCTV.
- Who is the patron saint of 'reply all'? St. Francis of a CC
- Two bears walk into a bar. All the patrons ran out of the back screaming.
- Nigel Farage walks into a bar Convinces the patrons to set it on fire, and then leaves.
- Who is the patron saint of copying people into emails? St. Francis of a CC
- Today I found out who the patron saint of silence is. It's St.Fu
- ELI5 Why do I always feel like i'm being patronized?
- Do you even know what patronizing means?
- What did Harry Potter order when he went to the bar? Expecto-Patron-On-Ice
- A Rabbi and the Pope walk in a bar... A bar patron says, "Hey, what is this, a joke?"
- you can always vote with your pocketbook... just stop patronizing all google products
- What do you do when a priest patronize you ? You mess up with him
- The word you're trying to think of is "Patronizing".
- A patron kicked out of a bar. Who is a drunk and belligerent Alex Trebek?
Gather Around for Fun Patrons Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about patrons you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean watchers jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make patrons pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can tell bad jokes too - A dog limps into a saloon...
As the batwing doors swing closed behind him, the patrons turn to eye the stranger up.
The dog c**... looks around the dim, smoky room and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator...
He puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd mumurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his g**... unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my g**... inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.
The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his g**... unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. I'll give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.
A Drunk
A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear. Other bar patrons decide to be good samaritans and to take him home.
They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. Mission accomplished, they prop him against the door jam and ring the doorbell.
"Here's your husband!" they exclaim proudly.
"Where's his wheelchair?" asks the puzzled wife....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Version of previous post.
One of the patrons at a bar opened a bag of potato chips and gave it to the bartender's dog. When the dog ate the contents of the bag, he lay down and started grooming his g**.... A guy says to his friend ''I wish I could do that.'' The friend replies ''Well give him a chip and maybe he will let you.''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A driver walks into a bar with a pet...
A driver walks into a bar with A pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of Its head.
The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his g**... unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard With The Beer Bottle:)
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.
The man and the giraffe start drinking. Being a giraffe in a bar of all places, the pair are quite popular and patrons buy them quite a few rounds of shots. As closing time approaches, the man and giraffe get up to leave, but the giraffe is too drunk and collapses on the ground. The man looks back, laughs, and keeps walking out the door.
The barman yells "Hey! You can't that lyin' there!"
"That's not a lion, it's a giraffe".
_____
Yes, it works better out loud.
Two strippers at a night club had a routine together...
...but their dance moves and styles were so off, they often got complaints from the patrons. After being confronted by their manager, one stripper said to the other, "We just gotta get our act right. We gotta learn t'werk together."
An elderly man walks into a bar
He hears the other patrons discussing marriage. "My wife and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary next week," he proudly tells them. "That's wonderful," one of the others says, "What's your secret for a long and happy marriaige?" "Well, you've got to do nice things for her," he explains. "Such as what?" the others ask. "Well, for example for our 25th anniversary I took her to Ireland." "That is nice," they others agree. "What are you doing for your 50th?" "Going back to visit her."
What do you call frequent patrons of Dairy Queen
Her court of milk
Fifty Years of Marriage
An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of mariage.
"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.
"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.
"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."
"Such as?"
"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy."
"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"
"I'm going back to visit her."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jihadist, a p**... and a mass m**... walks into a gay bar. What is he doing?
Killing the patrons for being sinful.
Two hydrogen atoms
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. The first says "I think I've been ionized".
The second replied " are you sure" and the first responded "yes I'm positive".
After hearing this conversation the bartender kicked them out and said to the other patrons "don't anthropomorphize atoms, they don't like it"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like to do my laundry n**... so that all my clothes are clean.
Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don't seem to agree.
A Pentium processor engineer is counting visitors to a bar
He's counted 12.000000000057249999 patrons so far.
Two guys got lost in the Egyptian desert
Both christians, one named John and the other named Thomas. They were starving and about to collapse when they spotted a Mosque, They rushed there for help. The Imam came out and asked for their names, John came up with 'Abdullah' in a panic and Thomas just said his name. The Imam hastily told the patrons to give Thomas food and water. While John had to wait and finish his fast.
So my bf and I walk into a bar. We notice this guy kept hitting on the female bartender by telling her corny jokes as she fake chuckles.
One joke involved him asking her why no one trusted atoms. (Because they make up everything). My bf retaliates with his own joke... 'What do female bartenders like most about their male Patrons?.... Just the tip' 😎
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a brothel that serves appetizers to its patrons?
*w**... d'oeuvre*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar
He sees some meat hanging off the ceiling. Curious he asks the bartender,
"What's with all the hanging meat?"
Bartender replies, "It's a challenge for the patrons. If you can touch the meat, you win $1000. If you can't, I pluck one of your eyeballs out."
The man looks at the floor, then looks up to the ceiling. He then says,
"I won't do it...the steaks are too high."
Why did Bolvar Fordragon get fired from his job as a waiter?
He kept yelling, "I will NEVER serve you" to the patrons.
A cashew walks into a bar
...and announces himself. All the patrons turn around and say "Bless you!"
A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear
The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bartender asked why I carry a sword on me at the bar
I said "Mimics"
The bartender laughed, the patrons laughed, the table laughed, we killed the table.
It was a good time.
Waking downtown in front of a gay bar I noticed there wasn't a door.
Seems all the patrons prefer the back entrance.
A German man went to London
While there, he decided to take in the atmosphere of the Great British Pub, and got talking with one of the patrons.
So, where in Germany are you from? he asked, after a couple of beers.
Dresden, the German man replied.
Ah, Dresden! My father used to fly there three times a week.
On business?
No, in a Lancaster bomber.
The set of natural numbers, the set of rational numbers, and the set of integers walk into a bar
Before long, they've had their fill and start causing drunken havoc, disturbing all the patrons. The bartender intends to get to the bottom of this matter. Reasoning that a mathematician would be able to help, he calls Bertrand Russell.
"Hey, I've got three sets in my bar and they're acting pretty raucous. You think you can help me calm them down?"
"I'm sorry," Russell replies. "Sets cannot contain themselves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Went to the Dad Bar the other night...
It was a slow night. There was only the bartender and few other dads sitting at the bar.
I walked up to the bar and the bartender greeted me, "How are ya?"
I replied, "I am thirsty."
Everyone shouted out, "Hi Thirsty!"
The bartender continued pointing to the other patrons, "and this is 'Starving, Tired, and uh...h**...."
A larger-than-life character, Big Tony, walks into a bar.
Big Tony orders a drink. He bellows out, "when Big Tony drinks, everybody drinks!" The patrons of the bar all rush to get served their favorite tipple.
Then he orders some food. "When Big Tony eats, everybody eats!" Suddenly the kitchen is overwhelmed.
He places a twenty on the bar, and as he walks out, he bellows "When Big Tony pays, everybody pays!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My career's in ruins!
A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.
He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, What's the occasion?
My career's in ruins! the lad cackles.
The man, shocked, replies, Then why the h**... are you celebrating?
I've just completed my PhD in archaeology!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A panda walks into a cafe...
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit.
The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "Well, I'm a panda," he says. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. **Eats, shoots and leaves.**"
\* Stolen from Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer.
The bartender informs him that he is not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested that the drunk prove he isn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then nudges him in the ribs saying, "Hey, Pal, I think your girl friend has gone home."
An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"
The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.
He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.
"Did you see my face?"
"Yes"
BANG, he shoots him.
He then points it at the second guy.
"Did you see my face?"
The second guy points at a woman sitting far off in the reception area.
"No, but my mother in law did!"
So I went to this Vietnamese Resturaunt
...when I saw some patrons stomp out angrily muttering about someone being rude. It smelled so good I was undeterred. There was a soup station where they put it all together in front of you. I asked the host how.it worked and he pointed and said "pho queue over there"
A man walks into a bar
And pulls out a small piano, a small chair, and a small man. Theman walks over to the piano and starts playing it.
Everyone in the bar is amazed. They ask the man how he did it.
There's a genie outside granting wishes, says the man.
Upon hearing this, one of the bar patrons runs out of the bar and asks the genie, Are you granting wishes?
The genie says yes, so the man asks, give me a million bucks! And bam! A million ducks appear.
The guy goes back into the bar and says, hey! That genie is deaf!
The other guys replies, yeah, I know. Do you think i'd ask for a 12-inch pianist?
An officer sees a man leave the bar at closing time and walk in a drunken fashion, trying to enter each car parked there.
The officer thinks to himself I have got an easy catch. Meanwhile while this is going in, the other patrons enter their own cars and drive off.
When the drunken man finally climbs in his own car and pulls out, the cop is waiting for him and gives a breath analyser test.
To his surprise, it shows a reading of 0.0. Confused, the cop asks the driver, how?
To which the driver replies - Tonight, I am the designated decoy.
Patrons at the zoo were astonished to see an old man jump over the bars of the lion's cage
Seemingly oblivious to the danger, he walked among the fierce creatures holding the latest bestselling book in his hands, intently perusing its contents. The spectators were beside themselves.
"What in the world is he doing?" shouted one.
"Is he crazy? He's going to get killed!" yelled another.
"Don't worry about him," replied the man's son. "That's just my dad. He likes to read between the lions."
