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Patrol Jokes

66 patrol jokes and hilarious patrol puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about patrol that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A collection of jokes featuring different patrollers, from Paw Patrol to Civil Air Patrol and Patrolmen! Read to enjoy some lighthearted humor, related to speeding, crime patrolling and more. Laugh alongside Marshall, Nissan, Bounce and Ski Patrols!

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Funniest Patrol Short Jokes

Short patrol jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The patrol humour may include short police squad jokes also.

  1. What do you call an i**... Italian immigrant? an imPASTA!
  2. A German is visiting France. The border patrol officer asks, "name?"
    Hans Mueller.
    "Occupation?"
    No, just visiting this time.
  3. Why did the police chief assign the epileptic cop to K9 patrol? They made a perfect team. The K9 did the searches and the cop did the seizures!
  4. Moscow cops Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes?
    One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two "dangerous intellectuals".
  5. I see a border patrol car drive by... So I ask my mexican co-woker if he has his visa. He looks at me cofused for a minute then says "no no I only have debit card" (true story)
  6. Police thought that I was too drunk to be driving... When they stopped me, they asked me to say the alphabet starting with"M"
    They put me in the back of the patrol when I replied:
    "Malphabet"
  7. I recently came across this show called Paw Patrol I like how it teaches children, from an early age, that the police patrol the poor.
  8. Stuff in the air... The Country is on the lookout for flying objects.
    Today, on Valentine's Day, Cupid almost got taken down by the National Air Patrol...
  9. My dog loves chasing cars He was ecstatic when I told him I was taking him to see Snow Patrol in concert
  10. What kind of dogs will patrol the Trump wall? Border Collies!
    I just came up with this after not sleeping for 30+ hours. Sorry for the cheesy goodness.

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Patrol One Liners

Which patrol one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with patrol? I can suggest the ones about policeman and cops.

  1. Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks.
  2. Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding? Because he didn't expect-no-patrol-man
  3. U.S Border Patrol Putting the panic in Hispanic
  4. How do you pick up Mexican Girls? Border Patrol.
  5. If Paw Patrol had humans instead of dogs They'd probably look pretty weird while barking
  6. What was the border patrol agent's greatest regret? The Juan that got away.
  7. What do you call an African-American California Highway Patrol Officer? A Chocolate CHiP.
  8. Q: What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol
  9. Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

Border Patrol Jokes

Here is a list of funny border patrol jokes and even better border patrol puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I've heard of this "shipping" so I tried it with 2 people I got arrested by border patrol for human trafficking.
  • The Australian border patrol is so good... they even stop the good internet from reaching Australia.
  • Why is Diego's slogan "Go Diego Go" It was the last thing his mother said before she got shot by the border patrol
  • I was crossing the border from USA to Canada, and the border patrol Mountie asked me if I had any guns. I said, what do you need?
    Steve Wright gets credit
  • A r**... is being interviewed by Border Patrol officials "Your name please?"
    Ahmed Aziz
    s**...?
    5 times a week!
    No, no, I mean man or woman.
    Don't matters, sometimes even goat.
  • Why does border patrol use airplanes to search for i**... crossing the border? Because they are always hiding in plane sight

Highway Patrol Jokes

Here is a list of funny highway patrol jokes and even better highway patrol puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the California Highway Patrol officer say to the h**... that was pulled over for speeding? "Lick it, or ticket."
Patrol joke, What did the California Highway Patrol officer say to the h**... that was pulled over for speeding?

Patrol joke, What did the California Highway Patrol officer say to the h**... that was pulled over for speeding?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about patrol can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of patrol puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Uproarious Patrol Jokes to Share with Friends

What funny jokes about patrol you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean trooper jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make patrol prank.

Police dog

One evening, a deputy in the canine division was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building open. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."

Walk The Line

A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over. Alright, says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. Walk in a straight line. I'd be happy to, says the drunk just stop moving the s**... line.

You'd think the police would patrol this 'Knifepoint' place more carefully...

Especially with all the r**... and robberies that are committed there.

A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.

He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

An old russian joke I heard a long time ago

In the middle his night patrol, a police officer notices a guy walking around a wooden barrel. He steps out of his vehicle, approaches, and asks, "hey, comrade, are you drunk?"
The man responds: "No, God forbid, I am perfectly sober, comrade officer! Besides I am almost home, my house is right after this fence!"

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."

Zoo

Two policeman on patrol see a man walking with a Gorilla. Of course, they stop to inquire. They ask, "So Buddy, what's up with the Gorilla?" The man replies, "I'm taking to the Zoo." Cops say "OK" be on your way. A day later the cops see the same man and gorilla....They stop. "Sir" the officer directs. "We saw you yesterday and thought you were taking him to the Zoo?" "I did", the man replies, "But today, I'm taking him to the movies."

A border patrol officer stops a Mexican immigrant...

...on his way in to the U.S.
He says to the Mexican: "If you can make a whole sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow, Ill let you in with no delay"
The Mexican pauses to think for a few minutes then replies: "The phone goes Green-Green, I Pink it up and I say Yellow"

The band "Snow Patrol" walks into a bar...

The band "Snow Patrol" walks into a bar, looking a little tipsy.
The bartender asks, "How many bars have you folks been to, tonight?"
They reply, "Just two."
The bartender says, "GET OUT!!"

The Night's Watch can ramp up the number of new recruits by...

...ditching its archaic name in favour of something hip like Snow Patrol.

Heard this on the 80s movie "Night Patrol" : What do you call two cows m**...?

Beef Strokinoff.

A Mexican gets caught by a border patrol agent..

The border patrol agent says to the Mexican,
"If you can put these 3 words in a sentence I will let you go. The words are green, pink and yellow."
The Mexican thinks for a second,
"The phone goes green green green, I pink it up and I say yellow."

A police officer is doing his patrol when he sees two men arguing.

He goes to approach, when suddenly it gets physical. The first man throws a packet of sodium chloride at the second, and the second responds by throwing a bunch of 9 volts at the first.
The officer arrests them for a salt and battery.

Two Mexicans are making an attempt to cross the U.S. border.

A border patrol agent spots them and yells out, "HEY, what do you think you're doing??"
One responds, "We're invading America!"
The agent says, "Just the two of you???"
"No, we're the last two. The rest are already there!"
-Props to John Cleese

There was a king.

He was having a problem with barbarians in his kingdom, so he began sending guards to patrol the roads at night.
One of his nobles sent some of his city guard to help with the efforts, and a fool to keep the king's mood up.
The king was polite, but full of pride, so he sent the guards back with the message, "I have plenty of guards of my own, but I appreciate the jester."

A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

Canadian wildfire from BC turned back at USA border by customs and boarder patrol.

Upon admitting to smoking "fields of m**..." on its way to the border, the fire was denied entry, and banned for life from entering the US.

An electron was pulled over by the quantum state patrol...

The officer walked up to the car and said, "do you know how fast you were going?" To which the electron responded "no, but I know where I am!"

s**... highway patrol man

So this semi trucker got his truck stuck underneath an overpass. A few minutes later a highway patrol officer came up to him and said Did you get your truck stuck?
Without missing a beat the truck driver said
Nope I was delivering this overpass and ran out of gas.

A Cop on patrol sees a car in a deserted parking lot (Long)

So he walks over to it and sees and older man in the front seat and a skimpy dressed young woman in the back reading a book. He knocks on the door and the man rolls down the window.
"Can I help you officer?"
"What are you doing?" The cop asked.
"I am just listening to music." The cop pointed at the girl
"And her?"
"She is just reading a book." The cop is a little worried about the age difference between the pair."
"How old are you?"
"I am 45."
"And her?" The man looks at his watch.
"In 11 minutes and 23 seconds she will be 18."

Batman and Robin get ready for patrol

Batman: You ready Robin?
Robin: I'm not sure about this costume Batman. It's so bright and red. And why do I have to wear a silly yellow cape?
Batman: Well, we're superheroes Robin. We got to dress the part.
Robin: I'm still not sure about this Batman. I mean, you aren't dressed in any bright colors at all!
Batman: Well, if I did that then they'll be shooting at me and not you now wouldn't they? And didn't I train you to be the greatest acrobat in the world? So why all the worrying? The other ones never complained about this, they loved being heroes, god rest their souls.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding

A state trooper walked to her car window, floppong open his ticket book.
The woman said: I bet you are going to try to sell me a ticket to the troopers' ball.
He replied: State troopers don't have b**....
There was a brief silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

Old Soviet Joke

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes
\*\*\*
Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"
A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."
Q: "What about the third?"
A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals."

Just In Time

A cop was on night patrol driving up near lover's lookout when he noticed a parked car with a young man reading on the front seat and a young woman knitting on the back seat. He pulled over and walked up to their car. "What are you doing, Son?" the cop asked. "Reading," the young man answered. The cop shone his flashlight on the back seat. "And what is she doing?" "She's knitting," the young man answered. "How old are you?" the cop asked suspiciously. "I'm twenty one," the man answered. "And how old is she?" the cop asked. The young man looked at his watch, "In forty five minutes she'll be eighteen."

Driving in Georgia

I was driving through rural Georgia one day. I came to a stop sign. Being from the big city, I just did a kind of rolling stop through the sign.
A Georgia Highway Patrol spotted me and pulled me over. He came up to the window and said, "Boy, you know why I pulled you over"?
I said, "No. Why did you pull me over"?
He said," You see that stop sign back there? You didn't stop. You just slowed down".
I said," Slow down, Stop. What's the difference"?
He took out his nightstick and started whacking me with it!
As he did so, he said, " Now, you want me to slow down, or you want me to stop"?

An Afghan escaping from Taliban walks in through the Pakistani border...

He is immediately stopped by Paxtani border patrol agents and asked to identify himself. He stops and says he's the Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.
Paxtani border officer: "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Minister of Ports & Shipping?"
Afghan: "Don't you have a Minister for Law & Justice in Pakistan?"

Two Iranian soldiers find a couple of American rockets while on patrol

One says: "they probably fell without blowing up, lets load them up and take them back to base"
The other says: "But what if one of them blows up on the way back?"
He replies: "We will tell them we only found one"

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."
The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have b**...."

This one only works if you're familiar with New Orleans

A man was walking down the street when he came upon a guy lying face down in the gutter. Not knowing if the guy was passed out or dead, he dials 911…
Operator: 911 what's your emergency?
Man: I've come upon a body lying in the gutter. He could be dead or passed out, I'm not sure
Operator: we'll send a patrol car, what's your location?
Man (looking up at the street sign): I'm on T Soup… No, I'm on T choopsol… No no, I'm on Toolsoulp…. No. d**.... Give me a few minutes. I'm gonna drag the body to Magazine and call you back!

Cop on Patrol

A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover's lane.
He knocks on the window, when it's rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.
The cop says What's going on here?
The guy says, nothing at all officer.
Cop says Let's see some ID, how old are you? The guy hands the cop his license and says he's 27.
The cop says, And her, how old is she?
The guy looks at his watch and says
She will be 18 in exactly 9 minutes.

Patrol joke, Why did the police chief assign the epileptic cop to K9 patrol?

jokes about patrol

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these patrol jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.