patrick Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious patrick puns

What do you call two gay Irish men?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

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Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

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What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland?

"Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

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Why I don't play golf with Patrick anymore.

My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Patrick anymore.

So I asked her, Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt, and generally offends everyone around him on the course?

Certainly not, dear, she replied.

Well, neither would he.

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What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

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A man and wife see a drunk guy

Ah, look at Patrick. says the wife.
Who's Patrick? says the husband.
The drunk guy, you know, we were a couple 10 years ago and he proposed to me back then. But I rejected him.
Good to see he's still celebrating.

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I can't find a single Ekans here in Ireland with Pokemon Go.

Thanks, St Patrick

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I stumbled out of bed from a one night stand to find my dad at the kitchen table.

"I'm proud of you son" he winked, "now tell me, did you use protection?"

"You know what they say, dad" I grinned, "up the bum no babies."

"Ha ha, that's my boy" he laughed, "what's her name?"

"Patrick" I replied.

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Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $85,000 mortgage and no bike!"

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History Quotations

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?' Patrick Henry, 1775′, he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863′ said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997′

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' and Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008.′

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the most famous person in the history of the world

The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."

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What do you call 2 gay Irishmen?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower.'

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief heard 'Ting-a-ling!'

'Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower,' said the chief priest.

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of but no bell rang!

'John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph.'

'Ting-a-ling!'

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Everyone disses The Emoji Movie but you have to admit...

Patrick Stewart was the shit in that film.

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Did you hear about the gay Irish couple...

...names were Michael Fitzpatrick, and Patrick Fitzmichael.

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Patrick's School

Mother: "How was school today Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was great mom! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Wow, they do really fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"

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Today we made explosives!

Mother, How was school today, Patrick?

Patrick, It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!

Mother, Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?

Patrick, What school?

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Patrick was drinking heavily on a Tuesday night at his local pub.

He raised his glass and proclaimed, in toast, "here's to spending the rest of me life, layin' in bed next to me wife."

The toast was met with raucous cheers and applause. Patrick was given the toast of the night award, given out on every Tuesday at the pub.

When he brought the trophy home to his wife Patty she asked him what he said to get the prestigious award. Treading carefully, he replied "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sittin' in church next to me wife."

The next day Patty was shopping in the market when she ran into Patrick's best friend, also named Patrick. "What a great toast Patrick had last night" Patrick said excitedly.

Patty agreed, albeit a little confused, "yeah but I don't know where it came from, we only do that twice a year and when we do I have to pull Patrick's ear to get him to come."

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A Jewish joke my Jewish grandfather sent me.

One day at kindergarten the teacher said she would give anyone 10 dollars if they could tell her who the most famous man who ever lived.

A little Irish boy said, "It was St. Patrick!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Sean, but no."

A young Scottish boy said, "It was St. Andrew!"
The teacher replied, "Sorry Hamish, but that is not correct."

Finally, a young Jewish boy named Marvin raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher replied, "Yes Marvin, that is correct! Come up here and I will give you your 10 dollars!"

As Marvin was being paid, the teacher said, 'You know, you being Jewish and all, I never thought you would say 'Jesus Christ.'"

Marvin replied, "Well, I know in my heart i knew it was Moses, but business is business."

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Hear about the two gay Irishmen?

William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.

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A Drink for Each of My Brothers

Patrick walked into a pub and sat down at the bar. He asked for three individual shots of whiskey, and the bartender said "you know, I can put that all in one glass for you." Patrick said, "no no, see, I have two brothers who live far away. This drink is for Finnigan, this one is for Fergus, and this one is for me. And when I drink them, it's like we're all together again." So a few months go by, Patrick having his three drinks in the bar on a regular basis, and one night he came in and said "I think we'll only be needing two glasses today." The bartender stopped, cold, and said "What happened? Did something happen?" Patrick said, "oh no, my brothers are fine, it's just that I've decided to quit drinking."

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What do you call two gay Irishmen?

Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

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Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

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Why is Spongebob the main character

When Patrick is clearly the star?

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what do you call 2 gay Irishmen?

Ryan Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzryan

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My grandpa told me this one!

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."

An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."

As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.

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What do you call two gay Irish guys?

Ryan Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzryan.

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Mortgage

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

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Did you hear the one about the Gay Irish couple?

Ryan Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzryan

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"How was school today, Patrick?"

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"

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Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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Jokes I heard from a bartender.

My wife said that for Christmas, she wanted something that went from 0-200 in 6 seconds; so I got her a scale.


Did you hear about the 2 gay Irish men? Kevin Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzkevin.


So Hillary Clinton decides to have the talk with Chelsea. She asks if Chelsea is sexually active yet to which Chelsea replies, "Not according to Dad."

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Did you hear about the perfect Irish gay couple?

Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick

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Did you hear the one about the two gay Irish dudes?

Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick

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What do you call a gay Irish couple?

John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn

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What are the most funny Patrick jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Patrick? Well, here are the best Patrick dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Patrick pick up lines to share with friends.

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