patients Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious patients puns

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

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So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke?

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke?

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What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?

A vegetarian.

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My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

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My dad got fired for having sex with one of his patients the other day.

Which is a shame because he was a really good vet.

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A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

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How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!

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I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

It really makes my patients nervous.

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A doctor just recently had sex with one of his patient..

..and he really feels bad about it.


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**poof** a little devil appears on his left shoulder and speaks to him;
"Come on bro! Its not that bad. Many doctors fuck with their patients and it was awesome!"

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**poof** A little angel appears on his right shoulder "Duuuuude, youΒ΄re a vet!!"

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Where do Peek-a-boo patients go?

The ICU.

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I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

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Why do pediatricians get so frustrated?

They have very little patients.

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I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

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How I learned to mind my own buisness.

I was out for a walk and passed a mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting: "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over, but I saw a small gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on in there.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting: "14... 14... 14..."

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So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

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Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients.
Sorry.

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I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

Chemo patients are so sensitive.

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What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients?

Asif Eyecare

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Three surgeons...

...are discussing what kinds of patients are the easiest for operations.

The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest. Everything inside is color coded."

The second surgeon said, "No, librarians are the easiest. Everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon said, "No, politicians are by far the easiest. There's no heart, no guts, no spine, no brain, and no balls. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."

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Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

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how many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

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How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb?

1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was

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When a vegetarian turns into a zombie, what does it eat?

Coma patients.

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I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

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After seven years of medical training and hard work

my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

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My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients...

...but she saw something in me.

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The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

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Three surgeons are talking

about their favorite patients to operate on. The first starts: "I prefer mathematicians. When you open them up, everything is numbered for easy reference". The second continues: "I prefer electricians: everything is colour-coded". The last doctor says: "You guys have it all wrong, the best patients are lawyers: they're spineless, heartless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable"

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After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves

What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

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Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?

The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

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So, doc... I was told I only had a 1% chance to survive this surgery?

Doc: Yes, but don't worry, the other 99 patients have already died.

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What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor?

One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.

All the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

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Sad news..

Sad news today. After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients so can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time and effort. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

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What are the most funny Patients jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Patients? Well, here are the best Patients dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Patients pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes