Patient Nurse Jokes
97 patient nurse jokes and hilarious patient nurse puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about patient nurse that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Patient Nurse Short Jokes
Short patient nurse jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The patient nurse humour may include short student nurse jokes also.
- Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What's his blood type? Nurse: B positive.
Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it. - Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking! Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.
- *year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017 Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.
Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off. - An invisible man was in the waiting room. "Your patient is here, doctor," the nurse said.
The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him right now." - What did the nurse tell her patient after he refused to let her mend a cut on his arm? Fine, suture self!
- A new hospital opens for the first time, and the doctor is getting antsy... "What are we waiting for?" the doctor asks.
"Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients." - The nurse at the admissions desk kept misrecording each patient's blood-types.. His inability to use a keyboard definitely resulted in a whole lot of Type-Os!
- Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby". Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".
- What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital? When you ask the patients "what's the problem?" They'll say "nothing"
- A patient overhears the doctor yelling, "Measles, mumps, rubella, polio, Covid..." He asks the nurse what's going on. The nurse replies, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
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Patient Nurse One Liners
Which patient nurse one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with patient nurse? I can suggest the ones about nurse patient and nurse.
- A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!" I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."
- If you're trying to meet an attractive nurse It helps to be patient.
- A man who wants a pretty nurse Must be patient
- Why did the doctor despise his nurse? She was always testing his patients.
- How do you get in with a pretty nurse? You need to be patient.
- What'd the doctor say to the nurse about skin patients? Don't make any rash decisions.
- Where will the nurses always keep watch of their patients? In the ICU.
- Nurse: sorry for the waiting -no problem I'm patient.
- Nurse: You've been in a coma since March of 1983. Patient: Let's dance!
Patient Nurse Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about patient nurse you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean doctor nurse jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make patient nurse pranks.
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**... gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
A young nurse is hired at a Glasgow hospital.
Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?" The patient replies,
"Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. "Hello ma'am, how are you doing today?" The patient beams and replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some w**... eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The nurse is further confused. He fluffs her pillows and moves on to the third patient, who is grimacing with pain. "What seems to be the matter, sir?" The third starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I w**... be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
The nurse is totally baffled. When he is done with his patients he steps outside and sees a doctor outside the entrance. "Doctor, what sort of ward is this? A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
A man sitting on a bench...
is watching two of his fellow asylum patients playing cricket. The batsman has no bat and the bowler has no ball. The man on the bench looks very upset at the two "playing" cricket. A nurse walks up to him and asks, "What's wrong, sir? Do you want to play cricket with the others?" The man replies, "NO! But you will see who is mad and who is crazy in here if that ball hits me!"
A simple operation
A patient is caught running down the hospital halls before his operation by an employee.
"What's the matter?" the employee asked.
The man said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's going to be a very simple operation, don't worry, it will be fine.'"
"Well what's the matter? She was just trying to comfort you." the employee said.
The man replied, "She wasn't talking to me, she was talking to the doctor."
A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call
A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"
Nurse: "A moment please"
After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."
Are my .....
A male patient is lying in bed at a hospital with an oxygen mask over his face and still heavily sedated from more than four hours of operation. A young female nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
Patient: Nurse (he feebly mumbles from behind the mask) are my t**... black?
Embarrassed young nurse: I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet.
Patient (struggles again to ask): Nurse, Please, Are my t**... black?
Finally, she removes his covers, lifts his gown, takes a close look and says: There is nothing wrong with them!
Patient (slowly after removing his oxygen mask): That was very nice but listen very, closely – ARE…MY…TEST…RESULTS…BACK?
My old man (a doctor)'s Favorite.
A man waits patiently in the lobby of the ICU to see his wife, who has been in a coma for over a month, when a nurse runs out and says that he is needed right away.
Standing outside the room, the nurse tells the husband, "This morning we were giving your wife a sponge bath and we noticed something amazing!"
"What is it?!? the husband asked
The nurse explained, "Well, while we were giving her the sponge bath, we noticed that when we would touch her...uh....v**...... her vitals would spike on the monitor!"
Confused, the husband asked, "Well what do you need me for?"
The nurse responded, "Well we need you to go in there and perform o**... s**... on her, to see if that won't wake her up."
The man immediately agreed and closed the curtains as he entered the room.
5 minutes later the alarms sounded as the woman flat lined.
"Shes dead!" proclaimed the nurse, "What did you do?"
The man replied, "... I think I choked her..."
Male nurse
Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?"
The patient replies, "Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. "Hello ma'am, how are you doing today?"
The patient beams and replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some w**... eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The nurse is further confused. He fluffs her pillows and moves on to the third patient, who is grimacing with pain.
"What seems to be the matter, sir?" The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I w**... be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
The nurse is totally baffled. When he is done with his patients he steps outside and sees the doctor that assigned him to the ward, outside the entrance. "Doctor, what sort of ward is that? A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my t**... black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
t**... black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his t**..., she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his t**...
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
I got fired today, because my boss caught me m**... with a vegetable
Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
Surgery
After her fifth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a n**... here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them". "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ah, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Jane." "And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse..............he just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."
The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"
The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"
Best response by a nursing home patient ever.
I asked my patient, "how ya feelin today"?
He whispers while still half asleep, "with my fingers."
How Men Think...
A nurse was giving a female coma patient a sponge bath, when she accidently brushed up on the womans private parts. Suddenly, the patients vital signs jumped up. So the nurse tried it again, and once again, the vital signs jumped up...so she called the Doctor, and showed him what had happened.
The Doctor grew excited, and called the womans husband. He explained what had happened, and said "I think it's worth trying for you to try o**... s**... with her, and that might be enough to wake her up."
So the husband agreed, and came over to the hospital, where they left him alone with his wife to get going....
a few minutes later, however, the alarms began to ring, and the Doctor found the woman to be dead.
He turned to the husband and asked him "What happened? Didn't you try o**... with her?"
"Yeah... I guess she must have choked on it."
Mental Hospital [2]
One morning, a nurse was tasked to check on some their patients' progress and will send recommendations for release based on their improvement. She visited the recreation room where there were 4 patients.
**Patient One** was reading the bible. Complimented the patient and puts a check on the name.
**Patient Two** was working on a crossword puzzle, almost done. Check.
**Patient Three** was playing chess, keeping tabs of his moves, challenging himself. Check.
She comes to **Patient Four**, who was standing on the table, repeatedly shouting *"I AM THE SUN! I AM THE LIGHT!"*. The nurse asks the patient to step down from the table or else she'll have the guards take him away back to his room.
As soon as Patient Four steps down, the other three patients suddenly stopped what they were doing, went on their way and bid everyone in the room *"Goodnight!"*
A s**...-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...
He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations. From now on I want you to call male-to-female procedures "misterectomies".
The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures her, saying all the doctors are doing it but they're still working out standardized names.
Just then a patient walks up looking a little embarrassed. The specialist asks her what's wrong, and she says she's been referred to him by another doctor for a procedure. The specialist guides her to a chair and asks her for clarification.
The woman blushes and stammers "I'm not sure if I'm saying this right, but I'm here for my addadictome."
________________________________________
(If you don't get it, try reading it out loud).
*edited for clarity*
A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a r**... thermometer tucked behind her ear...
As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "d**...! Some a**...'s got my pencil!"
Why can't an IT guy be a doctor?
Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange.
.
.
Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"
The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
A midget went to visit the doctors
There was a long wait and the nurse said "you're going to have to be a little patient"
A Nurse talks to her young Patient
Kid: Thanks for helping me get through these tough times, will you come and see me when I get out?
Nurse: I'd love to, but I am scared of visiting graveyards
A nurse runs up to a doctor
"Doctor, Doctor!" she exclaims. "This patient's blood sugar is crashing!"
"This calls for a cool refreshing beverage!" says the doctor.
The nurse says, "Dr. Pepper! not now."
A man wakes up after 12 years in coma
Patient- I can't wait to explore the world.Thank You ma'am for -
Nurse- did you just assume my gender?
A doctor is looking for the next patient
Doctor: Where is the next patient?
Blonde Nurse: I told him to go home.
Doctor: Why did you do that?
Blonde Nurse: He told me he is not feeling well.
Nurse: Doctor, we have a patient that says is invisible.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.
A patient collapses minutes after visiting the doctor
Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?'
Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'
Why did the nurse cuddle with her locked-in syndrome patients right after their sponge bath?
Because she likes her vegetables at the peak of freshness
So I was in the emergency room
and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of r**... pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.
"Sir, wake up!"
The nurse said to the old patient.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because i forgot to give you your sleeping pills!"
Polish joke
A nurse is checking up on the patients in a mental asylum. She asks the first patient, "What is 2+2?"
"3,942,304" He answers, disappointing the nurse.
"What is 2+2?" She asks the next patient.
"Thursday." He answers confidently
She sighs and moves on to the next person.
"What is 2+2?"
"4"
"Wow!" she exclaims. "How'd you find that out?"
"I divided 3,942,304 by Thursday."
Patient to visit Doctor
A doctors nurse's assistance says to him "You have a patient who believes he is invisible." The doctor turns to her and tells her "Tell him I can't see him today."
Don't Get Nervous
Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.
Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!
Zombies from wwz would make very good doctors. Patient would be like: am I dying anytime soon? Nurse: wait I'll bring doctor zombicus. Zombie:*walks right past through the patient*
I've had this fantasy about an o**... with hot nurses that hasn't come true yet
Guess I need to be patient
s**... Rule.!
A new patient was quite upset when the doctor's nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That's a s**... rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That's nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"
An Asian nurse goes in to see Mr Jones
A few minutes later she comes out angry, refusing to see such a racist patient. The doctor goes in and asks Mr. Jones what he said to upset the nurse.
"I have no idea doc. She asked me if anything was bothering me, and I said yeah, urination"
The midget was getting upset at the wait at the doctor's office...
So the nurse told him, "you need to be a little patient."
I molested an intensive care patient...
but his nurse walked in at the last moment.
It was real touch-and-go for a while there.
Our grandpa was running away from the operation theater ...
We stopped him and asked what was wrong.
He replied that the nurses in the operation theater were saying "Don't worry, everything will be alright, we are all with you" and that made him uncomfortable.
We said "They were trying to calm you down. This is common. They probably say this to all the patients before the surgery"
Our grandpa took a deep breath, looked deep into my eyes and said "They were telling that to the surgeon"
I'm a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation.
I cut the patient's o**... on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all. Nobody expected the Spanish missed the incision.
A Pun
*at a psycology cabinet*
Nurse : Doctor , there is a patient here that belives he is invisible !
The Doctor : Tell him i can't see him now !
Nurse walks in to a patient's room
In a hospital room, a patient is lying in bed with an oxygen mask on.
A pretty, young nurse walks in and says, "I'm here to change your sheets!"
Patient says, "Please, nurse, are my t**... black?"
Nurse blushes and says, "I'm just here to change your sheets!"
Patient says, "Please, nurse, I'm begging -- are my t**... black?"
Nurse lifts up his sheet, pulls up his gown and thoroughly inspects his private parts. "Sir, it all looks fine!"
Patient slowly removes oxygen mask and says, "That was very nice, but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.
The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that o**... s**... may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.
30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says I don't know, maybe she choked.
A psychiatrist starts working in a hospital
He is checking on the patients when he comes across a man locked in a private room and hitting himself with a shoe
"What's his case?" The psychiatrist asks
"He was in love with a girl for 10 years and then she married somone else" the nurse answers
They then walk up to another private room with a man hitting himself with 2 shoes
"What's his case?" The psychiatrist asks
"This is the man who married her"
A hospital director catches up with a patient running bare foot from the building
Why did escape from the operating room? said the director
Because the nurse was saying: " it's ok be brave, it's just appendicitis it's a simple operation..."
So what? she was just trying to reassure you...
She was talking to the surgeon!
Nurse comes out of doctor's office
Nurse comes out of doctor's office and says:
"Due to new GDPR rules I'm not allowed to call you in by names. The patient with s**..., please come in."
Nurse to bleeding patient - Don't worry ......
All bleedings stop.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
......eventually
My wife and I, we wanted to spice up out s**... life so we did a bit of role playing. She dressed as a nurse and I dressed as a doctor.
And that coma girl was already dressed as a patient, so she obviously was into it from the very beginning, your honor.
Mental hospital
A nurse at a mental hospital checks in a room to find patient Bob pretending to drive a car.
- Bob, what are you doing?
Asked the nurse curiously.
- I'm on a road trip to Canada.
Bob replied.
The nurse wishes him a pleasant journey and proceeds to patient Gary's cell to find him m**....
- Heavens, Gary! What are you doing?!
Asked the nurse.
- I am having s**... with Bob's wife while he's in Canada.
Gary replied.
What's the difference between an o**... and a r**... thermometer?
The taste.
(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)
Bonus joke:
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister, have you got a pen?"
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. "Oh no," she says, "some a**...'s got my pen."
A woman was working at a nursing home
One of her patients was an old man that always had a dish of almonds he would offer the staff when they came in his room.
Her and her coworkers would nibble away as they did their duties, tidying him and his room. They got to talking about why he always had almonds, and he told them his family brings them for him, but he doesn't like them.
So the woman said, well if you don't like them, you should tell them, so they stop bringing them for you! And the old man said no that's ok, I like the chocolate, just not the almonds inside.
I just got fired on the first day of my job as a nurse at the hospital
Apparently the sign "s**... PATIENTS" doesn't mean what I thought it meant
I was working in the ER today
This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn't know where her heart was. So the patient called her doctor and asked "where's my heart?" The doctor told her "it's about 2 inches below your n**...". So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.
I have one bad and one good news, which one you wanna first? Says the doctor
Patient: Ugh... the bad first.. go.
Doctor: OK you have terminal cancer and you'll probably die in a week
Patient: Oh d**... w**..., what's the GOOD NEWS??
Doctor: Ohh you see that nurse over there? I think she's interested on me
A doctor was performing surgery on a patient with one hand
The nurse said that if he used both it would be easier
A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."
The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good looking nurse over there? Well, I'm sleeping with her."
My dad's sister is a geriatric nurse.
With Covid her life has been crazy busy over the past year. She has seen far too many patients die. Now that we have the vaccine she's very excited and gets borderline preachy on why we should all get vaccinated. She talks about it non-stop. It's annoying!
It's like she's become Auntie Vaxx!
A man is in a hospital and waits for a nurse to come. After a long time, the nurse comes in and says Sorry I kept you waiting
He replies No worries. I'm patient
I walked into a hospital ward today looking for a mate....
No staff around so I asked a patient in bed where the staff were, he said ' Some hae meat and canna eat, and some w**... eat that want it'
So I asked the next guy, he said ' But we hae meat, and we can eat sae let the Lord be thankit'
I asked the next guy and he started singing Auld Lang Syne.
I finally found a nurse and asked if I was on the psychiatric ward....
She said no, its the Burns unit.
An very obese woman goes to the ER complaining about stomach pains
The nurse checks her in and takes her vitals. She asks if she's s**... actively, the patient says No
A while later the doctor comes in to do a pelvic exam and notices a baby's head crowning. He calls for labor and delivery and exasperated, asks the woman I thought you said you weren't s**... active?!
She replies I'm not, I just lay there.
A Soviet official is visiting a mental asylum
To prepare for the visit, the asylum trained the patients to sing "Glory to the Communist Party".
When the official arrives, everyone is singing their hearts out. The official is very pleased, however, he notices a woman not singing.
The official approaches the woman and asks: "why aren't you singing?"
The woman replies: "I'm a nurse, not a patient"
A proctologist loses his watch:
A proctologist loses his watch, but can't figure out which patient he lost it in. His head nurse tells him to call his recent patients in for a re-examination.
After the 4th patient shows up, the nurse turns to the doctor and says "it's him. He's got your watch."
The proctologist says "how can you tell?"
The nurse says "easy. It's the first time his a**... is early."
Extraction
A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's b**... when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, Hurt much? The patient hesitated, Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!