The Best 82 Patient Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Patient jokes. There are some patient psychiatric jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these patient hospital puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Patient Jokes and Puns

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side

A doctor and his patient.

A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .

Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.

The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.

That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?

The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday. Β 

A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call

A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"

Nurse: "A moment please"

After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."

Patient joke, A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

A Doctor Joke

As she laid there next to me starting to sleep I said to myself, "Nick, I'm sure you aren't the only doctor to sleep with their patient.

But then another voice told me, "Nick, you are a veterinarian."


Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Two ladies meet up for coffee...

The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)

Patient joke, Two ladies meet up for coffee...

During a routine physical the Doctor said, "You've got to stop masturbating."

"Why?" asked the patient.

"Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"

What did the Doctor say to the midget in the waiting room?

"You're going to have to be a little patient"

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....

.

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### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

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New Prostate Exam Joke

A man goes to the doctor for his first prostate exam. While the Doctor is performing the exam, he says to the patient, " Don't be embarassed, its common for men to get an erection during this part of the exam".

The patient answers "I don't have an erection"

The Doctor replies "I know, I do"

You can explore patient cataract reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean patient a doctor and a patient dad jokes. There are also patient puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A doctor calls a patient with his test results...

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.

Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma?

Asbestos he can.

Good news and bad news.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Patient: Ok, well... Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24-Hours to live.
Patient: How is that good news?!? What's the bad news then??
Doctor: I've been trying to call you since yesterday.

Patient joke, Good news and bad news.

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said,Β "How do you know?" The first patient said,Β "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,

"I did not!"

I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking

He told me he was busy and that I'd have to be a little patient

A small joke...

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks
"I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".


A man bursts into a doctor's office...

...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"

And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."

What did the doctor say to the angry midget?

"I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."

My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not.

Q: What type of bees make milk?

A: BOO-Bees!

And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.

A drunk enters...

...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:

"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!"

Doctor: "You have AIDS."

Patient: "What's the good news?"

Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."

Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

Doctor: You're obese. Patient:

***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***

Everytime we have sex my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.

I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."

How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?

He passed.

I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back…

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure?

Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.

Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!

So doctor, do I have rabies?

Doc: Short answer. Yes.

Patient: What's the long answer?

Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.

A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live...

Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"

Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"

Dentist: This will hurt.

Patient: OK.

Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.

*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017

Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.

Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!"

I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."

A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."

Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."

Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."

The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."

What is your zodiac sign?

Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence...

Have you heard about the patient Chinese man?

Wae Ting

Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?"

Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."

Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's

Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer

Receptionist: Doctor, your next patient claims to be invisible.

Doctor: Well tell him I can't see him right now.

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)

P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"

Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

Me as a doctor

Me: So how are you?

Patient: ummmm.. fine

Me: Okay, next patient please.

Doctor: I have some medical news.

You'll have to stop masturbating for a while.

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

I think I'm shrinking!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.

12 years wasted as a veterinarian.

Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome

Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke?

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke?

Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking!

Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.

Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.

A doctor says to his patient, "Don't eat anything fatty..."

To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"

"No fatty, don't eat anything."

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Doctor: Before you go to sleep, don't eat anything fatty.

Obese patient: Can I eat salad instead ?

Doctor: No, fatty.

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's and cancer.

Patient: Thank God it's not Alzheimer's.

I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

Dentist: This will hurt a little.

Patient: OK.

Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?

So, I trained a chicken to talk

WIFE: Well, let's see

ME: What's a male deer?

CHICKEN: Buck

ME: How much is 200 pennies?

CHICKEN: Buck Buck

WIFE: This is stupid. Chickens just make that sound

ME: Oh believe me it gets better

CHICKEN: Yeah, just be patient Susan

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, I'll take the good news first.

The surgeon tells them, Well, you're about to get a new dog!

My patients are complaining that I'm a terrible doctor

I just don't know what's wrong with some people

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.

"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."

The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.

"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

A psychiatrist was testing a patient's personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, What does this remind you of?

The patient answered, Sex.

The shrink drew a square and asked again, What does this remind you of?

Sex, the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

It reminds me of sex, the patient stated.

You seem to be obsessed with sex, the shrink told the patient.

*I'm* obsessed with sex? *You're* the one who's drawing the dirty pictures!

A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.

He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"

"1484"

Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"

"Wednesday"

Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the third one: "3 times 4?"

The third one immediately answers "12".

The doctor is surprised that the last one got it right: "Wow, how did you get to that answer?"

"It was easy", says the last one. "I divided 1484 by wednesday".

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They're explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?

Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!

The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?

A water lily.

Made My Own Grand kids

With a patient in my medical exam room:

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That's quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn't give me any grandkids, so I made my own.

One patient fell into a coma

One patient fell into a coma for 2 years while hiding.

He got atrophy.

A 75 year old person goes to the doctor.

Doctor: We've received your reports. And I have a very bad news for you. You have Cancer and Alzheimer!

Patient: Oh! Well... At least, I don't have Cancer!

Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria

Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.

First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"

"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.

"So what?" said the first patient.

"So, one of them must have told a great joke."

A secretary tells the therapist "you have a new patient here"

Secretary: He wants you to help him because he believes he's invisible. He doesn't have an appointment, though.

Therapist: "No appointment?! Tell him I can't see him."

A wife approaches her husband - fuming.

She says to him "I've done the dishes, done the laundry, ironed ALL the clothes and cleaned the house. Meanwhile, you've done NOTHING but wait for me to bring you a GOD DAMNED BEER! What does that say about you??"

The husband replies: "It says I am very patient".

I once woke up mid surgery.

Thankfully the patient was still asleep.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the patient healthcare jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working patient hernia piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes