JokoJokes

Patient Jokes

143 patient jokes and hilarious patient puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about patient that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Bringing a smile to the patients' faces, this article highlights the importance of patient access and safety in a light-hearted way. With jokes ranging from patient-doctor to patient-nurse relations, prognosis, ICU, and cataract jokes, this article will provide readers with a humorous take on the often serious nature of patient care.

Funniest Patient Short Jokes

Short patient jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The patient humour may include short client jokes also.

  1. COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
  2. How many Alzheimer's patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side
  3. So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
  4. How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke? How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke?
  5. Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
  6. Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news Patient: What's the good news?
    Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
  7. My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
  8. Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What's his blood type? Nurse: B positive.
    Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it.
  9. Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
    surgeon: "I know, I am"
  10. Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you know the symptoms? Patient: I can't say that I do.
    Therapist: Exactly. That's one of them.

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Patient One Liners

Which patient one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with patient? I can suggest the ones about customer and applicant.

  1. how many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb? to get to the other side
  2. What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients? A vegetarian.
  3. Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer
  4. Where do Peek-a-boo patients go? The ICU.
  5. Why do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients.
  6. Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients.
    Sorry.
  7. A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!" I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."
  8. What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients? Asif Eyecare
  9. How did the terminal cancer patient do in school? He passed.
  10. When a vegetarian turns into a zombie, what does it eat? Coma patients.
  11. Have you heard about the patient Chinese man? Wae Ting
  12. How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma? Asbestos he can.
  13. Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?" Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."
  14. What do good doctors and bad doctors have in common? Their patients don't come back.
  15. I got kicked out of the hospital because I told the Covid patients to stay positive

Doctor And Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor and patient jokes and even better doctor and patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?" I should have told you yesterday.
  • A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!" The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
  • Sex every day Says the patient to her female doctor:
    "Doctor, my husband wants to have sex every day, what is the best thing to give him?"

    Doctor: "My number..."
  • As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees. I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.
  • A patient runs into a doctor's surgery yelling out: I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking! What should I do? The doctor replies: you are just going to have to be a little patient.
  • Doctor: describe your average night Patient: they wear suits of armor
    Doctor: no, i mean at bed time
    Patient: they probably take it off
  • Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!" Doctor: "You have AIDS."
    Patient: "What's the good news?"
    Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
    Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."
  • Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll
  • Good news The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
    The patient said, "Give me the good news."
    "They're going to name a disease after you."
  • So doctor, do I have rabies? Doc: Short answer. Yes.
    Patient: What's the long answer?
    Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.

A Doctor And A Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny a doctor and a patient jokes and even better a doctor and a patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I think I'm shrinking! A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
    The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
  • A doctor walked in to see a patient. I've got good news and bad news. The patient say, What's the good news?
    Doctor, They're going to name a disease after you.
  • What did the doctor say to the angry midget? "I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."
  • My patients are complaining that I'm a terrible doctor I just don't know what's wrong with some people
  • A doctor says to his patient, "Don't eat anything fatty..." To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"
    "No fatty, don't eat anything."
  • Doctor: Before you go to sleep, don't eat anything fatty. Obese patient: Can I eat salad instead ?
    Doctor: No, fatty.
  • Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking! Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.
  • I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking He told me he was busy and that I'd have to be a little patient
  • A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
    Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
  • What did the Doctor say to the midget in the waiting room? "You're going to have to be a little patient"
Patient joke, What did the Doctor say to the midget in the waiting room?

Hospital Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny hospital patient jokes and even better hospital patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!" "I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.
  • Two ladies meet up for coffee... The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
    (I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)
  • Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
    [A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
  • There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital. Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
    Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
    Doctor: I know... that's my name.
  • I heard laughter is the best medicine I heard laughter is the best medicine, so I went to the local hospital, found some cancer patients, and laughed at them.
  • A famous singer sang for patients in a hospital. He finished with a cheerful greeting:
    -Bye-bye , and hope you get better!
    -Thanks, you too! replied the patients.
  • I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now
  • A girl I know who works in the X-ray department of a local hospital is dating one of her patients Nobody know what she sees in him
  • What's the difference between an angry mother and a bad hospital? One is losing their patience. The other is losing their patients
  • Hospital When checking a patient in for surgery, he said he was a mechanic. I said, "Good, the surgeon likes that because you understand when there are parts left over."

Patient Nurse Jokes

Here is a list of funny patient nurse jokes and even better patient nurse puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • *year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017 Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.
    Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.
  • An invisible man was in the waiting room. "Your patient is here, doctor," the nurse said.
    The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him right now."
  • If you're trying to meet an attractive nurse It helps to be patient.
  • What did the nurse tell her patient after he refused to let her mend a cut on his arm? Fine, suture self!
  • A new hospital opens for the first time, and the doctor is getting antsy... "What are we waiting for?" the doctor asks.
    "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."
  • The nurse at the admissions desk kept misrecording each patient's blood-types.. His inability to use a keyboard definitely resulted in a whole lot of Type-Os!
  • A man who wants a pretty nurse Must be patient
  • Why did the doctor despise his nurse? She was always testing his patients.
  • Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby". Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".
  • What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital? When you ask the patients "what's the problem?" They'll say "nothing"

Patient Access Jokes

Here is a list of funny patient access jokes and even better patient access puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My sister's lucky she married a doctor She says she has access to way more treatment options than normal patients.
Patient joke, My sister's lucky she married a doctor

Cheeky Patient Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity

What funny jokes about patient you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean student jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make patient pranks.

A doctor and his patient.

A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .
Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.
The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.
That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?
The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.  

A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call

A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"
Nurse: "A moment please"
After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."

s**... after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....

.
---
### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.

New Prostate Exam Joke

A man goes to the doctor for his first prostate exam. While the Doctor is performing the exam, he says to the patient, " Don't be embarassed, its common for men to get an e**... during this part of the exam".
The patient answers "I don't have an e**..."
The Doctor replies "I know, I do"

A doctor calls a patient with his test results...

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.
Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

A man has a sore t**... and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."
Patient: "I want a second opinion!"
Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

Good news and bad news.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Patient: Ok, well... Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24-Hours to live.
Patient: How is that good news?!? What's the bad news then??
Doctor: I've been trying to call you since yesterday.

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks

A dwarf that loves to joke goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks.
I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

Doctor: You're obese. Patient:

***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***

Everytime we have s**... my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.

I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."

I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back…

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Dentist: This will hurt.

Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.

A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a r**... thermometer.
Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a r**... thermometer."
The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some a**...'s got my pen."

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop m**....
Patient: Really doctor, why?
Doctor: So I can examine you.

Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?
Patient: I was b**... my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

I had s**... for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

Dentist: This will hurt a little.

Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?

So, I trained a chicken to talk

WIFE: Well, let's see
ME: What's a male deer?
CHICKEN: Buck
ME: How much is 200 pennies?
CHICKEN: Buck Buck
WIFE: This is s**.... Chickens just make that sound
ME: Oh believe me it gets better
CHICKEN: Yeah, just be patient Susan

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, I'll take the good news first.
The surgeon tells them, Well, you're about to get a new dog!

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.
"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."
The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.
"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."

A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.
He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"
"1484"
Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"
"Wednesday"
Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the third one: "3 times 4?"
The third one immediately answers "12".
The doctor is surprised that the last one got it right: "Wow, how did you get to that answer?"
"It was easy", says the last one. "I divided 1484 by wednesday".

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They're explaining how him smoking w**... led to his condition worsening.
But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?
Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?
A water lily.

A deer enters a bar...

A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."
The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"
The deer replied, "Well I came from a impoverished part of the forest. It was difficult to get food, difficult to get water, and difficult to find shelter. Nothing came with ease, that's for sure."
"And a deer with no ease becomes a dr."

Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you

Patient: What is the bad news?
Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What can possibly be worse news than that?
Doctor: I should have told you this yesterday...

Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.

Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A Proctology exam.

A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.
The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.
Alright Brian, it's your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an e**... the doctor says.
The patient awkwardly looks back and says but my names Dan.
Doctor responds oh I know, my names Brian.

I had s**... for 3 hours last night. We role played as doctor and patient.....

I was in the waiting room for 2hrs 57minutes

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What's 9 plus 9?
12 .
What's 8 and 8?
10 .
The doctor shook his head. Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?
The man thought for a second, and answered 1E .
Aha, I've figured it out! The doctor said. Somebody's clearly put a hex on you.

Pregnant girlfriend

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.

A bedridden hospital patient takes a turn for the worse and a doctor comes to check on them.

The doctor does a quick examination, then releases the brakes on the bed's wheels and rolls them out of the room. "Alright, it's time to move you down to the East Wing."
"What's the East Wing?" asks the patient.
"The morgue." replies the doctor.
"W-wait, the morgue?! But I'm not dead yet!"
"It's a long hallway."

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"
"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
"I see," says the politician, "and if he's got any sense he'll choose the bucket."
"No," says the director, "If he's got any sense he'll pull the plug out. Would you like a room with a view?"

A Chinese doctor has a Jewish patient.

"Listen," says the patient, "I didn't think we were going to get along so good together."
"What do you mean?"
"What do I mean! Pearl Harbor, that's what I mean!"
"What are you talking about, Pearl Harbor? I'm Chinese!"
"Yeah, well...Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same thing."
"What do you mean, all the same thing? The Jews sunk the Titanic!"
"The Jews sunk the Titanic?"
"Sure. Greenberg, Goldberg, Iceburg, all the same to me!"

Therapist tells his patient to write individual letters to everyone who wronged him and then burn them to gain some peace

Patient comes back the next week and says he's done what the therapist recommended. Then asks what he should do with the letters

A man claiming he is Jesus is brought into a mental hospital...

He is asked, "Why do you think you are Jesus?"
He replies, "God told me so!"
Immediately, the patient behind him stands up and shouts, "No I didn't!"

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient

"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.
"I didn't" said the doctor.
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
"No, I did not" the doctor said.
"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead."
"Well, let me put it this way," said the doctor- "At that point, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could've been out practicing law somewhere!"

A patient in a psychiatric hospital is being examined by a shrink. The shrink hands him a piece of paper and asks him, "Look at this inkblot and tell me what do you see."

"Well," the patient says, "I'm not 100% sure, but it looks like Rorschach Series IV, blot #17."

Cop joke.

So I'm an ER RN and we love to joke around. Had two cops in with a patient. I deadpanned I heard there's been ppl stealing tires off (local) cop cars…. The one cop says I haven't heard anything about this .
So… I said I've heard the police are tirelessly investigating it.
First cop high fives me. I say dad joke! Second cop pouts.
Lol.

I'm a great surgeon, I've never lost a patient

I know exactly where they all were when they died

A patient goes to his physician

He lists him some symptoms and after a workup the doctor says: I can't find a reason for your problems, it must be the alcohol.
The patient responds: I'll come back when you're sober then.

A patient walks into a therapist's room

Patient: I'm scared of single letters.
Therapist: Oh? Why?
Patient: *screams*
Therapist: Oh. Oh, I see.
Patient: *screaming intensifies*

Patient joke, A patient walks into a therapist's room

jokes about patient