Patient Jokes

Funniest Patient Short Jokes

Short patient jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The patient humour may include short client jokes also.

1. COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
2. How many Alzheimer's patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side
3. So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
4. How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke? How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke?
5. Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
6. Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news Patient: What's the good news?
   Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
7. My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
8. Doctor: I think the patient is dying. What's his blood type? Nurse: B positive.
   Doctor: Okay. I think the patient is going to make it.
9. Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
   surgeon: "I know, I am"
10. A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?" I should have told you yesterday.

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Patient One Liners

Which patient one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with patient? I can suggest the ones about customer and applicant.

1. how many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb? to get to the other side
2. What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients? A vegetarian.
3. Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer
4. Where do Peek-a-boo patients go? The ICU.
5. Why do pediatricians get so frustrated? They have very little patients.
6. Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients.
   Sorry.
7. A nurse told me "Sorry for the wait!" I replied "It's alright, I'm patient."
8. How did the terminal cancer patient do in school? He passed.
9. When a vegetarian turns into a zombie, what does it eat? Coma patients.
10. Have you heard about the patient Chinese man? Wae Ting
11. How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma? Asbestos he can.
12. Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?" Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."
13. What do good doctors and bad doctors have in common? Their patients don't come back.
14. I got kicked out of the hospital because I told the Covid patients to stay positive
15. Me as a doctor Me: So how are you?
    Patient: ummmm.. fine
    Me: Okay, next patient please.

Doctor And Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny doctor and patient jokes and even better doctor and patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!" The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
• Sex every day Says the patient to her female doctor:
  "Doctor, my husband wants to have sex every day, what is the best thing to give him?"
  
  Doctor: "My number..."
• As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees. I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.
• Doctor: describe your average night Patient: they wear suits of armor
  Doctor: no, i mean at bed time
  Patient: they probably take it off
• Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!" Doctor: "You have AIDS."
  Patient: "What's the good news?"
  Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
  Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."
• So doctor, do I have rabies? Doc: Short answer. Yes.
  Patient: What's the long answer?
  Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.
• What did the doctor say to the angry midget? "I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."
• My patients are complaining that I'm a terrible doctor I just don't know what's wrong with some people
• A doctor says to his patient, "Don't eat anything fatty..." To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"
  "No fatty, don't eat anything."
• Doctor: Before you go to sleep, don't eat anything fatty. Obese patient: Can I eat salad instead ?
  Doctor: No, fatty.

A Doctor And A Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny a doctor and a patient jokes and even better a doctor and a patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking He told me he was busy and that I'd have to be a little patient
• A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
  Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
• Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure? Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.
  Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!
• What is your zodiac sign? Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
  Patient: Cancer.
  Doctor: What a coincidence...
• What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor? One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.
• Receptionist: Doctor, your next patient claims to be invisible. Doctor: Well tell him I can't see him right now.
• Congratulations, said the doctor, you have a new life growing inside you! The patient said, I'm a man.
  The doctor said, the tapeworm doesn't care.
• Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
  [A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
• There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital. Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
  Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
  Doctor: I know... that's my name.
• DOCTOR: You have three left to live. PATIENT: Three what? Three months? Years?
  DOCTOR: Questions.

Hospital Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny hospital patient jokes and even better hospital patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!" "I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.
• Two ladies meet up for coffee... The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
  (I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)
• I heard laughter is the best medicine I heard laughter is the best medicine, so I went to the local hospital, found some cancer patients, and laughed at them.
• A famous singer sang for patients in a hospital. He finished with a cheerful greeting:
  -Bye-bye , and hope you get better!
  -Thanks, you too! replied the patients.
• I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now
• A girl I know who works in the X-ray department of a local hospital is dating one of her patients Nobody know what she sees in him
• What's the difference between an angry mother and a bad hospital? One is losing their patience. The other is losing their patients
• Hospital When checking a patient in for surgery, he said he was a mechanic. I said, "Good, the surgeon likes that because you understand when there are parts left over."
• A new hospital opens for the first time, and the doctor is getting antsy... "What are we waiting for?" the doctor asks.
  "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."
• So what happened to the doctor? Good news, he made it to his hospital.
  Bad news, he was the patient.

Patient Nurse Jokes

Here is a list of funny patient nurse jokes and even better patient nurse puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• *year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017 Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.
  Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.
• If you're trying to meet an attractive nurse It helps to be patient.
• What did the nurse tell her patient after he refused to let her mend a cut on his arm? Fine, suture self!
• The nurse at the admissions desk kept misrecording each patient's blood-types.. His inability to use a keyboard definitely resulted in a whole lot of Type-Os!
• A man who wants a pretty nurse Must be patient
• Why did the doctor despise his nurse? She was always testing his patients.
• Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby". Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".
• What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital? When you ask the patients "what's the problem?" They'll say "nothing"
• A Nurse talks to her young Patient Kid: Thanks for helping me get through these tough times, will you come and see me when I get out?
  Nurse: I'd love to, but I am scared of visiting graveyards
• A doctor was performing surgery on a patient with one hand The nurse said that if he used both it would be easier

Patient Access Jokes

Here is a list of funny patient access jokes and even better patient access puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• My sister's lucky she married a doctor She says she has access to way more treatment options than normal patients.

Cheeky Patient Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity

What funny jokes about patient you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean student jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make patient pranks.