Patch Jokes
126 patch jokes and hilarious patch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about patch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Patch up your funny bone with this hilarious collection of jokes about patches! From the classic eye patch, pumpkin patch, and soul patch to more obscure chuckles like bald patch, cabbage patch, firmware, and butts, we've got jokes for every patchy situation.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Patch Short Jokes
Short patch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The patch humour may include short package jokes also.
- Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out. He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.
- 99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs. Take one down, patch it around...
127 little bugs in the code. - Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates. It's called the iEye patch.
(I'm sorry) - A pirate walks into a bar... And it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.
- How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch? Paint it's toenails red.
Don't believe me? Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? - "My relationship with golf is starting to suffer" "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah.. We're going through a rough patch" - Politicians should be required to dress like nascar drivers. With patches all over their suits telling us who their sponsors are.
- Why did the epileptic throw himself into the lettuce patch? He was making a seizure salad.
....I'll see myself out. - My son saw me slumped over our lawn mower, bawling my eyes out... He screamed, "Dad! What's wrong!? Are you ok?!"
I said, "Don't worry son, I'll be fine. I was just going through a rough patch..." - Police were called to the scene of a suspected mass grave of snowmen upon further investigation, it was determined to be a carrot patch
Share These Patch Jokes With Friends
Patch One Liners
Which patch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with patch? I can suggest the ones about mask and paste.
- What Does EA Call A Patch? Next year's game.
- How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch
- Why did the detective wear a patch on his left eye? It's his private eye.
- Why do pirates wear an eye patch? They can't see anything with two of them.
- I'm missing my eye patch. Please keep an eye out for it.
- What do you call a pirate who doesn't have an eye patch? Eye-Eye Captain!
- How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction? Apply the pumpkin patch.
- When it comes to climate change Denial ain't just a dry patch of sand in Egypt
- Why couldn't the robot pirate acknowledge his crew? He was waiting on an aye patch.
- What do you call a kid with an eye patch, braces and a lisp? Names
- What do vegetarian ogres eat? Cabbage Patch Kids
- What do vegetarian dingoes eat Cabbage patch kids
- Sour patch kids remind me of my mom. She was sour, sweet, then gone.
- What does the cabbage merchant use to fix his cabbages? A cabbage patch! - Sokka
- I'm so glad they released a patch for my car The windshield was starting to get buggy.
Eye Patch Jokes
Here is a list of funny eye patch jokes and even better eye patch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I looked out of the window and my dad was slumped over the lawnmower crying his eyes out. I said to my mum "what's up with him?"
She said "he's just going through a rough patch here". - My pirate friend's marriage is failing, his wife and him don't see eye-to-eye But, I'm hoping they can patch it up...
- I'm not usually one to brag about my chick-magnet prowess... but that hot girl with the eye patch keeps winking at me.
- Why do pirates wear eye patches? Because they only have one i.
- What do all Japanese Airmen wear eye patches? Because they're pirots!
- What do you call a pirates thong? A whispering eye patch.
- Why did the pirate with the eye patch drown? Because he had no depth perception.
- Why aren't pirates generally good drivers? Well between the eye patch, hook hand, and peg leg, it's a miracle they can even get behind the wheel!
- What do you call a person with no arms and an eye patch Frederic Names
- Why did the developers have to delay their pirate game? They needed to give their characters an eye-patch.
Pirate Eye Patch Jokes
Here is a list of funny pirate eye patch jokes and even better pirate eye patch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do all Pirates wear eye patches? Chuck Norris.
- What do you call a one-eyed pirate? Patches.
This was hilarious sleep-deprived
Pumpkin Patch Jokes
Here is a list of funny pumpkin patch jokes and even better pumpkin patch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up? Oh My Gourd!
- What did the pumpkin do when he ripped his pants? He sewed on a pumpkin patch.
- I recently decided to stop smashing pumpkins cold turkey. It was difficult at first, but it got easier once I decided to use the pumpkin patch.
- My girlfriend is a recovering basic white girl. She used to be addicted to pumpkin flavored drinks, food, everything as soon as fall came around. Now she's clean and on the patch.
- What do Pamplona, Spain and a pumpkin patch have in common? Everyone gets a little gourd.
- Guys, I'm quitting Halloween. I'm on the pumpkin patch!
Cabbage Patch Jokes
Here is a list of funny cabbage patch jokes and even better cabbage patch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you fix a cabbage? With a cabbage patch.
- Overwatch is getting a farm map in the next update It's a cabbage patch.
- What do call an epileptic person in a cabbage patch? Caeser salad.
- "For sale: Brown skinned Cabbage Patch doll..." It's only Harv Price
Soul Patch Jokes
Here is a list of funny soul patch jokes and even better soul patch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Hey bro, nice soul patch!" \- "Thanks!"
\- "No problem; my girlfriend has the same thing, just not on her face." - What kind of beard should a ginger have? A soul patch
Cheerful Fun Patch Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about patch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean repair jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make patch pranks.
A pirate had a horrible date.
He's really going through a bad patch, he couldn't even unhook her bra.
Eat the watermelons
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! "
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO! "
Elephants!
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
...So they can hide in strawberry patches.
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
...So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding upside down in a bowl of custard?
How about in a strawberry patch?
No?
See, it works!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter
Pirate Captain is strutten through the club a patch on each eye a puffy shirt and a stuffed toy kitten hanging from his ear. o**... nudges his mate and says "check ouwt this faggort Dwayne".
Pirate Captain turns and shouts "OI!!! I MAY BE BLIND BUT I HAVE ACUTE EARING"
What the Great Pacific Garbage Patch and reading have in common?
Both are literacy.
[homophonic joke explainer: "litter a-sea"]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many WoW devs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Doesn't matter. They'll just nerf darkness next patch instead.
My friend's parents recently got a dog called "Bradford"
Because he's mostly brown and black, with a little patch of white.
One zebra says to the other, "I'm going to check out that patch of nice green grass over there . . .
. . . I'll be white black."
What's the difference between a psychologist and a groundskeeper?
One you need for a rough patch, the other you need to patch your rough.
Potato Patch
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred
There was a farmer who grew watermelons...
He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his water melon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!!!"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...
...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.
The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".
The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."
The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.
"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...
...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, p**...! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then p**...! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.
Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !
Welcome to my garden of actors
And on your left, we have the Benedict Cucumber Patch
Wife told husband that she has gained a lot of weight lately and wants to lose weight
Husband: There's a very effective weight loss patch. You'll lose 10 pounds in one week. The most important thing is that it's really cheap.
Wife: Oh wow! I need to have one. Where do you apply the patch?
Husband: On your mouth.
Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.
What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pirate walks into a bar
And sits down next to another pirate. He asks him if he'd like a drink and adjusts his eye patch. The second pirate brightens up and says, "Would I?!"
The first pirate gets up, angry and says "Screw you, peg leg!"
My girlfriend and I are fighting over my recent hair loss...
I really hope it's just a rough patch
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a dermatologist about a n**... red patch on my skin.
I asked if it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend pegged me for the first time last night.
The s**... was great, but I don't know why she insisted on wearing an eye patch.
The new Dota 2 patch seems very nutritious..
It contains many new treants.
What does a skeleton grow in his vegetable patch?
A bone marrow.
What do you call a pig with no legs in a veggie patch?
A ham and salad roll
If Marlin and Dory were a couple, how would the resulting little brother of Nemo be called?
Patch Adams
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
this is what we call religious heat.
when you walk out side you say "jesus christ it's hot!!!
it got so hot our fat pig melted, the lard ran down into our potato patch and we dug up french fries
What a programmer posted to Facebook after he became a father.
Version 2.0 released with Day 1 patch. May include minor bugs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I couldn't quit ripping my jeans cold turkey...
...so I'm on the patch now.
The best thing about being tall and having a bald patch...
Is that people think you're just tall.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of m**..., and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.
The steaks have never been higher.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mystikal and Ludacris are discussing gardening...
Mystikal: "Say how do you dig all those weeds out of your vegetable patch?"
Ludacris: "Use a h**..."
Did you hear about when North Texas wanted to succeed from the rest of the state?
They went though a rough patch, and it was pretty scary for a while, but they're OK now.
Any action taken to get a split up music group to patch things up...
Is a Band-Aid.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Had to chase away a perverted peeping tom from my neighbour's window today
Nobody steps on my patch
I recently got a vegetable patch.
I'm not your typical pirate.
what happens if you get bitten by a yeti vampire
You get frostbite (this joke was brought to you by a sour patch kid gogurt)
I have an idea for a new reality TV show
Where landowners give up a small patch of unused land to innovative companies that produce energy.
Frack My Ditch Up.
World of Warcraft 8.1 Patch
X Æ A-12 not even gonna have any birthday parties...
Elon's just gonna release the patch notes
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate to do it but I've got to complain about the guy with the eye patch who sits opposite me at work
He keeps winking at me and it's just not appropriate.
Two elderly ladies meet at the laundromat after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
I opened a can of peas instead."
I'm not sure how to feel about this...
but I was sold a herding dog for my cantaloupe patch. He's a little melon-collie.
It was a man's first day on a pirate ship.
He noticed the captain had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.
The man was curious so he asked the captain how he lost his leg.
The captain responded, Arrrrr, a shark bit me leg off.
The man asked how he lost his hand. Arrrr, I lost me hand in a sword fight.
Finally, the man asked the captain while he wears a patch over his eye. The captain said, Arrrr, a seagull pooped in me eye, and it was me first day with a hook.
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
A man decides to visit Germany with his dog for 2 weeks.
He wishes to experience German culture during the winter. So, he visits an ice rink. As soon as the man steps foot on the ice, the dog darts forward, excited about his new surroundings. The dog proceeds to fall through a thinner patch of ice. The man leaps forward to save his dog, but another man dives in and pulls the dog to safety. The German man explains he is a nearby resident who saw what was about to happen. The other man, realizing his dog will need help as soon as he can get asks,
"Are you a vet?"
The German man replies, "Vet? I am soaking!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The anthropology student and the pirate.
An anthropology student was interviewing a retired pirate.
The student said: You have a wooden leg, a hook in place of a hand, and a patch over what I assume is an empty eye socket! How did all this happen?
The pirate replied:
I lost the leg to a canon call
I lost the hand in a sword fight
And I lost the eye because a seagull s**... in it
The student was skeptical:
A little seagull s**... shouldn't have cost you an eye!
The pirate said:
It was the first day with the hook...
Me: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
Them: Why?
Me: To hide in the strawberry patch
Them: ……..
Me: have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
Them: no?
Me: then I guess it works
Cue applause.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A preacher rides into a town in the old west...
As he's riding into town, his horse keeps stumbling around the street. The reins are finally grabbed by the Sheriff, who says, "This stallion okay?"
The preacher says, "Yes. We passed through a patch of p**... and he ate some. But that aside, I come to tell you of God's good word, to help you worthless, sinful heathens to-"
The Sheriff shakes his head, struggling to hold the animal still, and says "Now before you go preaching to us, why don't you get off your high horse."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:
What the h**... happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch? sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull s**... into my eye there once.
The barmaid responds: „What?! But nobody loses his eyesight from this?!
„Yes that is true.. answers the pirate, „..but at that point I only had the hook since 3 days.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:
What the h**... happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch? sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull s**... into my eye there once.
The barmaid responds: „What?! But nobody loses his eyesight from this?!
„Yes that is true.. answers the pirate, „..but at that point I only had the hook since 3 days.
A Pirate was offered a prosthetic in place of his eye patch...
The doctor asked, "I made this prosthetic eye out of oak wood to replace your eye patch. Would you like to try it?"
The pirate replied, "Would I?!"
