The Best 68 Pastor Jokes

Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of pastor jokes. From clever one-liners to hilarious stories, we've got something for everyone.

Top 10 Funniest Pastor Jokes and Puns

A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" cried the minister.

"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."

KKK Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

A pastor goes hiking

as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."

Pest Control

There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them and they will only be back on Christmas and Easter.

jokes about pastor

Higgs Boson walks into a church

Pastor says "*oh no, no you don't! You have caused the church plenty trouble already, I must ask you to leave immediately!*"

Higgs Boson replies "*but without me, how will you have mass?*"

A funny joke indeed

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Pastor joke, A priest and a pastor...

Getting Married!

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.....

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease...

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?".....

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'" 

A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".

*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.

They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". The Rabbi comes back in a full body cast and says " You know, I probably shouldn't have tried to circumcise a bear."

Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.

"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"

There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.

"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"

The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.

"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"

Now the church was completely silent.

After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"

---

I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.

You can explore pastor church reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pastor reverend dad jokes. There are also pastor puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

Not mine. Told to me by my late grandfather, funniest pastor ever. :)

A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church...

"You can't be here" says the pastor

The Higgs Boson particle responds
"But with out me, how can you have mass?!"

When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?

"Hold on, let me get my bear rings."

What's the difference between Pastor Maldonado and a bus driver?

One is a highly skilled professional driver, and the other is in Formula 1.

A busdriver and a pastor have a conversation...

The pastor complains: "Every time i start preaching, people stop praying and fall asleep."

The busdriver replies: "For me it's the other way around. When i shift into 5th gear and hit the pedal, they wake up and start praying."

Pastor joke, A busdriver and a pastor have a conversation...

These Mexican cannibals accidentally...

These Mexican cannibals accidentally kill a priest for their meal. One of the guys asks the cook "ay, what's for dinner?"

The cook says "tacos al pastor"

Memorial Day...respectful joke. A small boy was staring at the names on the wall of an old church

when the pastor noticed him.

"What are you looking at?" asked the clergyman.

"All those names. Who are they?" the boy asked.

The pastor nodded, and said, "They are the reason we have Memorial Day. They are those who died in the service."

The little boy considered that, then asked quietly, "The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

Blessed Are The Red-Necked

What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.

I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?

I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.

Wedding

At a wedding, the pastor asked all the married men in the crowd to put their arm over the person who makes their life worth living. The bartender was crushed to death.

An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.

This time to a funeral director.

The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.

She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why?

1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.

A pastor is speaking to his church.

A pastor is speaking to his church. He tells them, 'I have good and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay off all the church debts and build a new wing to the church.'

The congregation clapped and cheered.

He continues. 'The bad news is, it's still in your pockets.'

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

Why are there fences around cemeteries?

People are dying to get in.

*Told to me by pastor this morning just before Sunrise Service.*

The reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly...

along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street"

The Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

To which the cop replies, "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well Finnish."

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.

From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Pastor joke, A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

If Lars Ulrich of Metallica provided religious support to Kermit and his friends

He'd be a pastor of muppets

A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.

After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.

Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?

I once asked my pastor what the Bible says about masturbation.

He told me it's difficult to say when all the pages are stuck together.

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

A woman who was married six times had just died.

During the funeral service, the pastor heard her sister say "I'm so glad they are finally together!"

The pastor replies "Which husband are you referring to?"

"None of them. I was talking about her legs."

45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'

Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."

The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.

Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?

Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."

One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be damned the father said
He's going to become a politician.

A pastor was accused of sexual misconduct

When interrogated by police, he said "I don't understand, she gave consent...I asked if she'd volunteer for a missionary position and she enthusiastically accepted."

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:

'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"

The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"

The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:

'MY GOD!'"

Why did the pastor go to KFC?

To grab some breast.

I saw that pastor from Aretha Franklin's funeral at Starbucks again

He was just grabbing a Grande.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .

When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.

Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.

Little Johnny is walking out after church....

he stops and asks the preacher, "What are all these bricks in the side of the building with names engraved in them?"

The pastor replies, "Those bricks and names are all in remembrance of people who died in the service."

"Oh"' Johnny replies..... "was it the early or late service?"

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest.

For I have synonymed.

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

I left my job as a pastor to start a cigarette company

It's called "Holy Smokes"

I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have every detail placed perfectly on it. After a few weeks of this, I decided to ask him about it.

"Excuse me, Pastor" I asked. "Why are you so fixated on the front display?"

"Oh, that" he replied. "It's just my altar ego."

how you call the pastor that come from Germany ?

German Shepherd

When Kermit the Frogs entertainment career came to an end, he enrolled in seminary school where he was ordained

Now he's a Pastor of Muppets

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.

The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

My pastor is worried I might be gay and has asked me to avoid temptation..

Get thee behind me, Satan.

A cowboy buys a horse from the town pastor.

To make the horse go, you gotta yell, Thank God! And to make it stop, yell, Hallelujah," explains the pastor.

The cowboy thanks him and rides off. He rides all day and starts to nod off in the saddle when he notices he is about to ride straight over a cliff.

Quickly he yells to the horse, Hallelujah! Hallelujah! The horse grinds to a stop just at the edge of the cliff.

The cowboy wipes the sweat off his forehead, sighs and says, *"Phew, Thank God."*

Move to the left!

"A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".

All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.

The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked," How come your wife can't control you?"

The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move".

A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.

So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.

He said Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.

An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pews…

I'll take him, him, and him!

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

Went to a Pentecostal church recently

And was sitting there as the pastor approached and told me, You will walk today. I told him, I'm not crippled. He leaned in and insisted, You WILL walk today! I simply nodded. But when I went to the parking lot, I saw someone had stolen my truck.

A pastor, a scammer, and a child molester

walks into a bar.

What's the difference between a mega church pastor and a crazed marine carrying a butt plug covered in superglue?

One wants to heal your soul for money.

The other wants to seal your hole for Gunny.

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week's sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially thou shalt not steal


Then he got to thou shalt not commit adultery and remembered where he left his bike.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk in to a blood donation clinic

The nurse asked the rabbit, What's your blood type?
I'm probably a type-O said the rabbit.

A pastor taught his parrot...

A pastor taught his parrot to recite the Lord's Prayer when he pulled a string on the parrot's right leg, and to recite the 23rd psalm when he pulls a string on his left leg. The pastor was showing this to a man in the church, he pulls the right string and the parrot recites the Lord's Prayer. He pulls the left string and the parrot recites the 23rd psalm. The man is surprised and says "Wow! That's incredible! What happens if you were to pull both strings?"

The bird replies with "I'd fall on my ass stupid!"

My Pastor shouted "Jesus is the answer!"

I looked back to my phone, he was wrong, it was "lapse." Gave me the E and the S, though.

My wife has been sleeping around with other men. Our church pastor is coming over tonight to offer advise. My wife is baking cookies but I'm embarrassed because the cookies are...

Ho-made

The pastor asked a little girl why one should remain quiet in church

The little girl replied 'because everyone is sleeping.'

Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to Hell. Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to Hell. Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.

Did you know Metallica has a new album about the leader of Kermit's church?

It's called Pastor of Muppets

If James Hetfield officiated Kermit and Miss Piggy's wedding...

He'd be a Pastor of Muppets!

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit are in a car wreck

They are rushed to the hospital where it becomes clear that the priest and the pastor will need blood to survive. The priest has blood type A, while the pastor has type B. By the grace of God they are saved, as type Os can donate to both.

Liar

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. Evening, boys. What are you doing? Nothing much, Pastor, replied the one lad. We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life. Boys, boys, boys! intoned the minister. I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about sex at all. The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, You win, Pastor!

Who won the race between the priest and the nun?

It was the priest, because he "pastor" a while back.

I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the pastor services puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working pastor clergy piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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