Pastor Jokes

Following is our collection of gospel humor and minister one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Pastor puns for adults, dirty resurrection jokes or clean vicar gags for kids.

There is an abundance of sermon jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 67 funniest jokes on pastor. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any bishop witze you can hear about pastor.

The Best jokes about Pastor

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest.

For I have synonymed.

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.

From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".

*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*

A woman who was married six times had just died.

During the funeral service, the pastor heard her sister say "I'm so glad they are finally together!"

The pastor replies "Which husband are you referring to?"

"None of them. I was talking about her legs."


A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" cried the minister.

"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."

A pastor goes hiking

as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .

When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.

Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be damned the father said
He's going to become a politician.

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"


Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.


"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"


There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.


"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"

The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.

"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"

Now the church was completely silent.

After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"

---

I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.

A funny joke indeed

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Why are there fences around cemeteries?

People are dying to get in.

*Told to me by pastor this morning just before Sunrise Service.*

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:

'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"

The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"

The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:

'MY GOD!'"

KKK Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

A Pastor, a Doctor, and an Engineer...

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.

The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.

The group is silent for a moment.

The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

The Pastor's New Teeth

The Pastor goes to the dentist to get a new set of false teeth. On the first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. On the second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
But the following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what had happened to cause that.

The Pastor explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much again to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

A pastor bikes to his friends house every monday...

One Monday, the Pastor shows up 3 hours later than usual. His friend asks, "Why were you so late today?"
The Pastor replies, "My bike was stolen so I had to walk here."

His friend thinks for a minute and says "I know how you can get your bike back. Next Sunday, preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to 'Thou Shall Not Steal', look at the congregation for anyone who looks guilty. That's the person who stole your bike"

The following Monday the Pastor shows up at his friends house on his bike. "Good news! I followed your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments," said the Pastor. "But when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike"


The Irish brothel

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'

Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."

The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.

Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?

Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."

Jesus

One day, a cop was driving along when a car just whizzed past him. He turns on his siren and chases him down. Once the cop finally pulls over the car, he walks up and sees Pastor Brown, the pastor at his town's church. Upon peering into Pastor Brown's car he notices a suspicious bottle. The cop says "Pastor, what's in that bottle?"
To which the Pastor replies "Just water, officer."
So the cop, being a cop, takes a sip of the liquid to see if he's lying or not. But it's not water...it's wine!
So the cop says "Hey this is wine!"
And the pastor replies "Oh Jesus must be at it again!"

The good pastor

One day Pastor Flaps was walking past the pub when he saw, through the window, one of his congregation sitting at the bar drinking whiskey.

Not wanting any of his flock to be part-taking in this evil pass-time he rushed in shouting, "Mary, Mary put that down and you are coming home with me."

So Mary drops the glass and staggers to her feet but looses her balance and falls into Pastor Flaps, sending him flying too, as he was just a small wee man. Anyways Mary ends up lying on top of the Pastor, skirt up around her neck and passes out drunk.

When the bar man, who was in another room, comes in to see what all the noise was about and sees Mary on top of the Pastor on the ground he comes to the wrong conclusion and shouts "Hey stop now and get up!!! There will be no sex in this Pub".

To which the priest says "You don't understand, I am Pastor Flaps" so the barman gives up and replies "Ah well if you're that far in you might as well keep going!!!"

Pastor in the KKK

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Three Irishman

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,

Knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

"One of the girls must have died.

The Vet

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the
next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.



"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very
successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly,
"In Nevada... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

A man wishes to join an exclusive local church's congregation...

...and during his interview with the pastor, he's asked if he's ever engaged in any unusual sexual activity. He looks down, embarrassed, and sighs deeply.

"Well, yes, actually. Just last week, my girlfriend had dropped a head of lettuce. When she bent over, and I saw her shapely rear silhouetted by the light nearby, I ... I just couldn't help myself. I had to have her, so I made love to her right then and there."

The pastor replies, "I'm terribly sorry, sir. We can't allow that kind of behavior here. Premarital sex, even in a loving relationship, is against our doctrine."

The man shrugs, seemingly expecting the rejection. He stands up and begins walking to the door. "Hey, padre? Don't feel bad," he says. "We're not allowed in Wal*Mart any more either."

When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?

"Hold on, let me get my bear rings."

A pastor takes four earthworms and places them in different jars at the start of the service.

Each jar contained something different, the first had alcohol, the second had cigerette butts and smoke, the third had all sorts of sweets, and the forth had good, clean dirt. At the end of the service, the pastor pulls the jars back out and removes the worm from the alcohol. "Dead!" exclaims the pastor. Next is the worm in the cigerette smoke. "Dead!". The worm in the sweets "DEAD!" Finally the worm in the dirt, "Look at this! He is alive!"

"Can anyone tell me what the moral of this story is?"

Mrs. Jones, an elderly woman in the front row, stands up and exclaims "If you drink, smoke, and eat nothing but candy, you won't get worms!"

Pastor and the Housekeeper

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in
the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and
his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new
young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory.
While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely
and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his
heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor
and the housekeeper.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured
the young priest that everything was purely professional...that
she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor
and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came
for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do
you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write
him a letter."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying
you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you
did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered
it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that
you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying
that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do
know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you
would find the gravy ladle."

New Alabama Preacher

The new Alabama preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you." She invited him right in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Eventually, he came to the house at the end of the street. It turned out to be the residence of a young widow. When the Reverend knocked on her door, the young widow was taking a shower. Hearing the knock, she just wrapped a towel around herself, ran to the door and threw it open.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor putting all her wonderful young and luscious curves on display. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

The preacher just smiled and said, "Hello, Darlin."

My Pastor Told me this one

Two nuns ran out of gas on their way to a hospital and are sitting on the side of the road. They decide to pray and ask God to help them. A man comes by and tells them, "I can take you to get gas but i have no gas can." The nuns decided to use some bed pans they had in the trunk. They go to the gas station and get gas and come back to the car. While one of the sisters is pouring the gas from the bed pan into the car, a preacher is driving by with his son. The preacher points out the nuns to his boy and says


"Look son, now that's some faith."

skipping church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

A cop pulls over his pastor when he notices him swerving...

As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "brother, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No sir, why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh, that's just holy water."
"OK brother. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Brother, this is wine."
The pastor, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.

They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". The Rabbi comes back in a full body cast and says " You know, I probably shouldn't have tried to circumcise a bear."

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are at a bar.

They are arguing over who is the best at what they do. So they decide that to prove who is the best, they will go on their own into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion. A week later, they are again at the bar. The priest say, "I saw a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord's word. He liked so much that he now comes to mass every week." The pastor says, "Well, I found a bear in a clearing. I started reading the bible to him. He loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week." The priest and the pastor turn to the rabbi, who has a broken arm, a collar, and several bruises. He says, "You know what, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have had started with circumcision."

Why did the pastor go to KFC?

To grab some breast.

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message of christ, and was able to convert him, spraying him with water saying, "you were born sick, you were raised sick, but now you are CHRISTIAN!". The idiots neighbors left him alone thinking that was that, but come Friday, and he's still grilling chicken when he should be abstaining. So they began to spy on him to see how he could justify such an act, and they saw him spritz his chicken with holy water, saying "you were born chicken, you were raised chicken, but now, you are FISH!"


idk if this is a repost, but my dad told me this joke as a kid, and I thought it was funny.

Getting Married!

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.....

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease...

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?".....

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'"Β 

The Ressurection

The pastor of a Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is."

The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

If Lars Ulrich of Metallica provided religious support to Kermit and his friends

He'd be a pastor of muppets

Jesus walks into a bar....

..He sees a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor sitting next to each other at a table. Jesus notices that the three men all looked quite sad. He approaches them and asks, "What is wrong my children?". The Pastor says, "I just found out i have an inoperable brain tumor and i only have months to live". Jesus then decides to heal the Pastor. He thanks Jesus and leaves. He turns to the Priest and says, "What is wrong my son?". The Priest replies, "Jesus, I just found out that I have type two diabetes." Jesus then heals the Priest. He thanks Jesus and leaves the bar to pray to God. Jesus then turns to the Rabbi and says, "Let me guess, You also have a health issue that you would like me to heal?". The Rabbi turns to Jesus and says "Yes i do, but you stay away from me. I'm on disability benefits."

Pest Control

There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them and they will only be back on Christmas and Easter.

False teeth.

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

A pastor walked outside.....

A pastor walked outside of the church because he heard the children being loud. He sees the kids all grouped up. "What are you doing?" The children make the circle wider to show a puppy they had found. "Its a beautiful dog, who will take it home?" The pastor asks. The children look at each other until one of them speaks up. "I know! Whoever tells the biggest lie can take it home! Would you like to play pastor?" The pastor shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't know, it will be hard because I've never told a lie." The child picks the dog up and hands it to the pastor, "Here you go. You win."

The reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly...

along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street"

The Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

To which the cop replies, "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well Finnish."

Memorial Day...respectful joke. A small boy was staring at the names on the wall of an old church

when the pastor noticed him.

"What are you looking at?" asked the clergyman.

"All those names. Who are they?" the boy asked.

The pastor nodded, and said, "They are the reason we have Memorial Day. They are those who died in the service."

The little boy considered that, then asked quietly, "The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

Two Televangelists...

...Are talking to each other about how they decide how much of their weekly donations to give to God, and how much to keep for themselves.

First one says, "I have a circle drawn on my office floor. Every week, I gather all the money that was donated, throw it in the air, and everything that falls in that circle, I give to God. Everything else, I keep.

Second pastor says, "I too, let God decide how much he gets. Every week, I get on a chair and throw all the collected donations in the air. Whatever God catches, he can keep!"

Amen

DuringΒ  Sermon at a Sunday service , the PastorΒ  said: "If I had all the Beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".

And the congregationΒ  cried, "Amen! "
"And if I had all the Wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".
And the congregation cried: "Amen!"

"And if I had all the Whiskey and Rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river".

Again the congregation cried:Β  "Amen!"...

The PastorΒ  sat down.

The JuniorΒ  Pastor then stood up and said: "For our closing Hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our Hymn books and sing,Β  "We shall drink from the river".

The whole Congregation SCREAMED *HALLELUJAH!*

A pastor was accused of sexual misconduct

When interrogated by police, he said "I don't understand, she gave consent...I asked if she'd volunteer for a missionary position and she enthusiastically accepted."

A joke about squirrels.

There were three churches in my town that were all infested with squirrels. They each came up with a different way to deal with the infestation.

The first church hired an exterminator. He came by on a Monday morning, and by Sunday the squirrels were back.

The second church prayed to the Lord to deliver them from the squirrels, but did nothing themselves to solve the problem. The squirrels never left.

The third church had a young, zealous pastor who reasoned that since the squirrels were in church, they should be baptized. Now the squirrels are only there for Christmas and Easter.

Higgs Boson walks into a church

Pastor says "*oh no, no you don't! You have caused the church plenty trouble already, I must ask you to leave immediately!*"

Higgs Boson replies "*but without me, how will you have mass?*"

A story about a man with no arms.

One day, a man with no arms was low of money and decided he needed a job. So he went to the local church and talked to the priest. He told the pastor that he wanted to be the bell ringer, despite the fact that he had no arms.

The priest pondered this, and said "if you can go ring the bell at 3, you can have the job."

So right at three he went up the stairs to the massive Bell;m, rand and slammed his entire face into the bell, ringing it once. He backed up, and ran into the bell with his face again, ringing it once more.

He went back to the priest and the priest said "well I'm impressed, you got the job." So every hour he would go back up and ring the bell. At ten o'clock, as he was running towards the bell he tripped and fell off the tower and died. So while the cops were on the scene investigating the body, one cop asked the other "Do you know this man!"
"No, but his face sure rings a bell!"

I'll take my chances

A Sunday church service was coming to an end. This gorgeous blonde girl started to make her way out to get ahead of the crowd.

As she was walking down the stairs, her dress got caught on the corner of a railing and was instantly pulled off. She was stark naked in the middle of the church.

The pastor looked down immediately, talking into the mic. He said "Nobody look. If anyone looks, so help me God, the Lord will blind you."

The guy next to me put his hand over half of his face and said, "I think I'll take my chances with one eye."

These Mexican cannibals accidentally...

These Mexican cannibals accidentally kill a priest for their meal. One of the guys asks the cook "ay, what's for dinner?"

The cook says "tacos al pastor"

Last Words

There was a man in the hospital who was very old and most likely not making it out so his family went to the church to get the pastor to say goodbye and the hospital, so the next day the pastor visits the man in the hospital, but the man suddenly is gasping for air and can't breath so he grabs a pen and paper to write his last words he hands it to the pastor and died. The pastor takes the note and folds it into his pocket and ran to get the nurse. A week later at the mans funeral the pastors is reading from the Bible and remembers the not in his pocket so he opens it up and reads it to the congregation, it read: "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

Not mine. Told to me by my late grandfather, funniest pastor ever. :)

There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby...

... so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

Joke my math professor told me today.

A man and his wife are having trouble with their marriage. They fight all the time and they have been continually becoming less physical. The man decides to visit his pastor on the subject. To which the minister proclaims, "You have to do something nice to attract her." The man responds, "Are you sure this will work?" and the pastor persists, "Yes, just do something nice to attract her, it will work I promise." And so the man goes home to get ready. Hours later, the wife comes home to find her husband with candles lit, and her husband slowly waxing his John Deere in the kitchen. She screams, "What are you doing?!" to which he replies "IM SAVING OUR MARRIAGE MARCIA! Pastor told me to do something nice to a tractor."

I once asked my pastor what the Bible says about masturbation.

He told me it's difficult to say when all the pages are stuck together.

Friendship

Bob goes to his friend Johnny and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"

Johnny doesn't like it but being Bob's long time friend, he agrees. After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Johnny what he's really up to.

Johnny, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied".

The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Johnny's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago".

A church joke in honor of Sunday

In the middle of a sermon, a man in the congregation got up and walked outside.

The wife went running up to the pastor after the sermon to apologize for her husband's rude behavior.

The pastor thanked her for the apology and said he had noticed her husband's strange behavior and was worried he had said something offensive or if there was a family emergency he should offer prayer for.

The wife replied, "Oh, no, Pastor. Not at all! You see, my husband has always had a problem with sleep walking."

45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.

This time to a funeral director.

The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.

She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why?

1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.

Blessed Are The Red-Necked

What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.

I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?

I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.

Discussing Funerals

Three men are sitting around drinking coffee when a pastor comes up to them. "Men, I want you to think about when your life ends. What would you people to say about you at your funeral?"

The first man thinks a bit and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good family man. That I provided for my wife and children."

The second man thinks and says, "I'd like them to say I was a good Christian. That I read the scripture and lived for the Lord."

The third man says, "I hope they say 'Look! He's moving!!'"

Little Johnny is walking out after church....

he stops and asks the preacher, "What are all these bricks in the side of the building with names engraved in them?"

The pastor replies, "Those bricks and names are all in remembrance of people who died in the service."

"Oh"' Johnny replies..... "was it the early or late service?"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes