The Best 67 Pastor Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Pastor jokes. There are some pastor minister jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these pastor vicar puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Pastor Jokes and Puns

A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.

"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest penthouse suit."

"This is unfair!" cried the minister.

"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."

KKK Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

A pastor goes hiking

as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."

Pastor joke, A pastor goes hiking

Pest Control

There is a church that is infested with rats. No amount of traps or exterminators have any effect on the still growing population. One day the local pastor thinks up a plan. The next day, all the rats are gone. The people are floored and asked what he did. He replies by saying that he baptized them and they will only be back on Christmas and Easter.

Higgs Boson walks into a church

Pastor says "*oh no, no you don't! You have caused the church plenty trouble already, I must ask you to leave immediately!*"

Higgs Boson replies "*but without me, how will you have mass?*"


A funny joke indeed

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Pastor joke, A priest and a pastor...

Getting Married!

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.....

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease...

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?".....

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'" 

A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".

*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.

They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". The Rabbi comes back in a full body cast and says " You know, I probably shouldn't have tried to circumcise a bear."

Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.

"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"

There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.

"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"

The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.

"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"

Now the church was completely silent.

After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"

---

I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.

You can explore pastor gospel reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pastor resurrection dad jokes. There are also pastor puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

Not mine. Told to me by my late grandfather, funniest pastor ever. :)

A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church...

"You can't be here" says the pastor

The Higgs Boson particle responds
"But with out me, how can you have mass?!"

When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say?

"Hold on, let me get my bear rings."

What's the difference between Pastor Maldonado and a bus driver?

One is a highly skilled professional driver, and the other is in Formula 1.

A busdriver and a pastor have a conversation...

The pastor complains: "Every time i start preaching, people stop praying and fall asleep."

The busdriver replies: "For me it's the other way around. When i shift into 5th gear and hit the pedal, they wake up and start praying."

Pastor joke, A busdriver and a pastor have a conversation...

I was carrying some spaghetti as I walked past a priest..

You could say I moved some pasta past a pastor.

What did the pastor say when his blanket rose up from his bed?

"Holy Sheet!"

These Mexican cannibals accidentally...

These Mexican cannibals accidentally kill a priest for their meal. One of the guys asks the cook "ay, what's for dinner?"

The cook says "tacos al pastor"


Memorial Day...respectful joke. A small boy was staring at the names on the wall of an old church

when the pastor noticed him.

"What are you looking at?" asked the clergyman.

"All those names. Who are they?" the boy asked.

The pastor nodded, and said, "They are the reason we have Memorial Day. They are those who died in the service."

The little boy considered that, then asked quietly, "The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

Blessed Are The Red-Necked

What's wrong, Bubba? asked the pastor.

I need you to pray for my hearing, said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba's ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, So how's your hearing?

I don't know, said Bubba. It isn't until next Tuesday.

Wedding

At a wedding, the pastor asked all the married men in the crowd to put their arm over the person who makes their life worth living. The bartender was crushed to death.

An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.

This time to a funeral director.

The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.

She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why?

1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.

A pastor is speaking to his church.

A pastor is speaking to his church. He tells them, 'I have good and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay off all the church debts and build a new wing to the church.'

The congregation clapped and cheered.

He continues. 'The bad news is, it's still in your pockets.'

The dad, husband and pastor of a woman arrive outside a hospital delivery room

The nurse stated that the hospital policy only allowed one person to be in the delivery room with the woman. Unfortunately, all 3 became confused when the woman giving birth screamed, "FATHER I NEED YOU".

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

Why are there fences around cemeteries?

People are dying to get in.

*Told to me by pastor this morning just before Sunrise Service.*

The reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly...

along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street"

The Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

To which the cop replies, "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well Finnish."

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.

From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A drunk walks into a church.

Drunk: "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"

The pastor stops his sermon and just stares at him.

Drunk: "I'm Jesus Christ!!!"

Pastor: "Sir, you are not Jesus. Can you please leave?"

Drunk: "I am. And I can prove it. Follow me!"

The pastor and some church members follow him. He walks down the street a ways, crosses, and enters a bar. The pastor follows.

Drunk: "HEY EVERYBODY!!!"

Bartender: "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?!"

If Lars Ulrich of Metallica provided religious support to Kermit and his friends

He'd be a pastor of muppets

I know a pastor of a failing megachurch.

Poor guy doesn't know where his next Mercedes is coming from.

A pastor cuts his chin while shaving one Sunday morning.

He hurriedly puts a band-aid on and rushes to his church for the 10:00 am service.

Afterwards, a member of the congregation, an older woman, comes up to the pastor and asks, "Excuse me, but what happened to your face?" The pastor replies "I was thinking about my sermon and I cut my chin." The old lady rolls her eyes and says "Maybe you should think about your chin, and cut your sermons."

A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.

After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.

Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?

I once asked my pastor what the Bible says about masturbation.

He told me it's difficult to say when all the pages are stuck together.

God comes to my town...

...and asks the catholic priest: "do you need me to take care of anything?" The priest replies; "would you kill the protestant pastor?" Concerned God goes to the pastor and asks him the same question and the pastor answers; "would you kill the catholic priest?". Frustrated, God goes to the rabbi and asks him the same question. The rabbi says; "Lord, it would be enough for me if you answer the prayers of the priest and the pastor."

A boy asks his pastor if there are contradictions in the Bible

"Yes and no..."

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

When I was a young boy I tried to get the leader of our church to touch me inappropriately during confession so that I could sue him...

But he just told me to stop pastor baiting.

You know whats the difference between a pimple and a pastor?

The pimple doesnt come on your face before youre 13.

A woman who was married six times had just died.

During the funeral service, the pastor heard her sister say "I'm so glad they are finally together!"

The pastor replies "Which husband are you referring to?"

"None of them. I was talking about her legs."

45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

Interviewer: What is your favorite sex phrase?

Pastor: Are you ready kids!

Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'

Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."

The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.

Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?

Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."

One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be damned the father said
He's going to become a politician.

A pastor was accused of sexual misconduct

When interrogated by police, he said "I don't understand, she gave consent...I asked if she'd volunteer for a missionary position and she enthusiastically accepted."

'Wow Pastor, what a beautiful church'. 'Indeed, it's Norman'.

'Wow Norman, what a beautiful church'.

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the church, they go:

'Oh pastor! Oh pastor!'"

The other two shout, "Oh my, how impressive!"

The third mother is beaming with pride and says, "Well, MY son is 4 feet tall and 800 pounds. When he walks past the church, they go:

'MY GOD!'"

Why did the pastor go to KFC?

To grab some breast.

The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day

He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation

I saw that pastor from Aretha Franklin's funeral at Starbucks again

He was just grabbing a Grande.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .

When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.

Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk onto a bar.

Since it wasn't foretold in scripture, they didn't listen to the people telling them to duck.

An old pastor on his deathbed asked a lawyer and an IRS agent to visit him.

When the two arrived in the pastor's room, the pastor based them to sit on either side of the bed.

After a bit, the lawyer asked "Reverend, why did you ask us here?"

The pastor responded, "Jesus died between two thieves, and I want to do the same."

Little Johnny is walking out after church....

he stops and asks the preacher, "What are all these bricks in the side of the building with names engraved in them?"

The pastor replies, "Those bricks and names are all in remembrance of people who died in the service."

"Oh"' Johnny replies..... "was it the early or late service?"

My father-in-law is a retired preacher.

The put him out to pastor.

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest.

For I have synonymed.

My pastor asked me to name the four Gospels, but I could only remember Matthew, Luke, and John.

I missed the Mark.

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

I left my job as a pastor to start a cigarette company

It's called "Holy Smokes"

I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have every detail placed perfectly on it. After a few weeks of this, I decided to ask him about it.

"Excuse me, Pastor" I asked. "Why are you so fixated on the front display?"

"Oh, that" he replied. "It's just my altar ego."

how you call the pastor that come from Germany ?

German Shepherd

So an African pastor is heading to his church Sunday morning

So as he's walking through the jungle he hears growling. He turns around and sees a lion. He starts running and running until he gives up and gets on his knees and starts praying: God please dont let this lion eat me.

The pastor stops praying because he couldn't hear the lion anymore. He turns around and sees the lion on his knees praying. The pastor says hey lion I didnt know you prayed and the lion says im saying Grace

Distribution of collection money

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi discuss how they split up the collection between themselves and god.

Said the pastor "I draw a circle on the ground, then I throw the money in the air. What falls in the circle is mine, what's outside is god's".

Said the priest "I have a similar method, I draw a circle and throw the money, but what falls outside is mine, what's in the circle is god's".

Said the rabbi "My system works along the same lines, but I omit the circle. I just throw the money in the air, and what god needs, he's gonna keep, what falls back down is mine".

When Kermit the Frogs entertainment career came to an end, he enrolled in seminary school where he was ordained

Now he's a Pastor of Muppets

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to blood donation clinic.

The nursed asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"

"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

My pastor is worried I might be gay and has asked me to avoid temptation..

Get thee behind me, Satan.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the pastor sermon jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working pastor bishop piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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