Past Life Jokes
42 past life jokes and hilarious past life puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about past life that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Past Life Short Jokes
Short past life jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The past life humour may include short past jokes also.
- For the first time in my life I can walk past a balloon and it doesn't stick to me I'm absolutely ex-static!
- I just told my girlfriend that I was an Italian mite in a past life . I'm a Roman tick at heart.
- Reincarnation A virus boasted to the crowd. "In a past life I was a fly!"
A heckler shouted, "and now you're a flu!" - Clinging on to past and living is like driving forward while watching the rear view mirror...
- You know when you're getting older by remembering the past embarrassment of not zipping up your fly but now hoping you remember when to unzip.
- Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
- I dont care or think about the people in my past... there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future!
Share These Past Life Jokes With Friends
Past Life One Liners
Which past life one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with past life? I can suggest the ones about reincarnation and afterlife.
- I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?
- Why did Jesus return from the dead? Because in his past life he only got nailed once
- In a past life I must of been a mushroom. Because I'm a pretty fungi.
- In my past life I was a turtle... It is all slowly coming back to me.
- A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
- My life is like math I have to get past x to be able to go on.
- I'm pretty sure I was a rooster in my past life... Cause any c**...-or-Dude-ill-dooooooo!
Past Life Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about past life you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean past present future jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make past life pranks.
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Two Zombies Are Having A Conversation..
Two zombies start talking about their past lives as humans. The main talker is rambling on and on about what he would have been. Suddenly, the second starts walking around normally, not stumbling into everything. The first is amazed and stares at him. "How.. did you do that?", he asks. The second realizes what he's doing and stops, looking back to the first. "Oh, I'm sorry. You just bored me back to life."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three racehorses were standing in a field.
One says, you know, I've won ten races in my life.
And I've won twenty races! Brags the second horse.
The third horse is much older then them both. He says, That's nothing! I've won fifty races!
Suddenly they all hear laughing, and they turn their heads to see a greyhound trotting through the field.
Amateurs! The dog laughs. I've been in a thousand races, and I've won all of them!
The horses are all shocked. As the dog strolls past them, they stare in silence. Then the old horse says, Holy s**...! a talking dog!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This is a message for His Holiness the Dalai Lama: "Please decide my fate in future existences based on my past life behavior."
It's a ***karma***\-seeking post.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen are lost at sea in a life boat
They're gradually dying of thirst, until one day they spot an ancient bottle bobbing past. They grab it out of the water, open it and a genie arises and say's he'll grant them one wish.
Immediately one of them blurts out, "I wish the entire sea were Guinness!" Instantly whole ocean turns black and foamy, pure Guinness.
"Whadda do that for ya feckin' idjit!" Yells his companion, "Now we have to p**... in the boat!"
My dad's sister is a geriatric nurse.
With Covid her life has been crazy busy over the past year. She has seen far too many patients die. Now that we have the vaccine she's very excited and gets borderline preachy on why we should all get vaccinated. She talks about it non-stop. It's annoying!
It's like she's become Auntie Vaxx!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People often find themselves contemplating past life choices before they do something immensely s**....
Which has me worried because I'm constantly thinking about the choices I've made in life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend asked me what my s**... life has been like in the past.....
I said it was like the Bowling Green Massacre :(
Jim and Mary.
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a hypnotherapist who said that, while I was under hypnosis, she discovered I was a h**... in a past life.
Apparently it's called "reintarnation".
In the dim and distant past, when life's tempo wasn't so fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and babysit.
When the kids were in a jam, they could always call on Gram.
However, today she's in the gym exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net, sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her, now that Grandma's off her rocker.
Some pig!
So a traveling salesman is driving past a farm when he sees a pig with a wooden leg out front. Curious, he goes to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers.
"What's the story with the pig with the wooden leg?" asks the salesman.
"Let me tell you about that pig," says the farmer. "That is no ordinary pig. That pig saved my life!"
"One night about six months ago my house caught on fire. That pig came into the house, nudged me awake, and led me through the smoke to safety. That pig saved my life!"
"That really is some pig," the salesman agrees. "But why does he have a wooden leg?"
"Well," says the farmer, "a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a grandma is telling her son about her s**... life with her now deceased parter
She says 'Ah yes, every Sunday she says, we would have s**... in rhythm to the church bells, ding, d**..., in, out so on so forth
The grandfather died from having s**... on Sunday, which the son was confused as to why it was different this time round
'so why did he have a heart attack on Sunday? The son replies. Especially if you guys are normally having rhythmic s**... to the sound of the church bells?'
She replies 'well, you see, it was all going well until the ice cream truck drove past '
The best days of my life.....
An Inspirational speaker said:
"The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife".
Audience were in shock and silence.
He added: "and she is my mother".
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at home.
At dinner, he said to his wife: the best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife....
After a moment he tried to recall the second line......
By the time he regained his senses, he was on hospital bed, recovering from burns of hot soup poured by his wife.
MORAL LESSON: Don't copy if you cannot paste.
A man is on a photo safari in Africa.
He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.
Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trunk, slams him on the pavement and then stomps the life out of him.
Different elephant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a good chance that I could have been the guy who killed h**... in my past life.
Oh wait...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Odd
A mother and father named their child "Odd". And because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his s**... note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother and father named their child, "Odd..."
...and because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.
In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.
And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his s**... note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.
And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..."
A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean.
A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean. A lifeguard swims past and asks the priest: "Do you need help?"
Priest replies: "Don't worry. God will save me."
A few minutes go by and another life guard swims past. He says: "Here, grab my hand I can help you get back to shore"
Priest replies: "Never fear, God will save me."
A few more minutes go past and the Priest is really struggling. A fishing boat comes along and they ask: "Do you need help? Climb aboard we can help you."
Again the priest replies: "I have faith, God will save me."
Priest drowns and goes to heaven. He meets God and asks "Why God? I have been a devout Catholic why did you not save me?!" God replies "What are you talking about I sent you two lifeguards and a boat!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Classic Nun Joke
A nun is traveling when her car breaks down. She finds out that she has run out of gasoline. She investigates the neighborhood and finds a filling station about a mile away. There is only one problem: She doesn't have a container to carry the gasoline back.
Then she realizes that she has an empty chamber p**... tucked in the back. She buys some gasoline and carries it back to the car.
She just filling the tank from the p**... when two guys walk past. One of them exclaims, "Boy! If that car starts running, I'll go to the Church every week for the rest of my life."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian comedian describes life in his country
"You tell them that two plus two is four. But they show you the edict: as of yesterday, it's five. You say: four. But now it's six. And those who said it was five are in prison. You yell: four! But they admitted to past missteps and made it clear that if we pull together, we can make it seven. And if we leverage, we can go as high as eight. You yell: four! But they look at you and shake their heads: we thought he was intelligent but he's like a broken record - four, four four. No vision, no fresh ideas, not like overseas!"