Past Jokes
157 past jokes and hilarious past puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about past that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? This article explores the use of the past tense in jokes. From the distant decades of immemorial to the present, past events make for great comedy. Learn how to use the past tense to make your one-liners hilarious and discover the funniest jokes from the past and present.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Past Short Jokes
Short past jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The past humour may include short previous jokes also.
- As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back. And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."
- My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends... So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines. - Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't. It's my longest running joke of the year.
- My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts? That was a blast from the past!
- Valentine's.... For the past 10 years I've been getting valentine's card from a secret admirer, so I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.
First my gran dies, now this! - This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.
- Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself" Sorry about your Dad, though
- I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I replied, "Surely you must be joe."
- My friend's girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks. Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
- I've figured out that the spread of Covid-19 over the past couple years has been due to two factors. 1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
Share These Past Jokes With Friends
Past One Liners
Which past one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with past? I can suggest the ones about future and prior.
- I'm making a graph of my past relationships... I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.
- You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran, because it's past tent.
- Why are black people unable to get a phd? Because they can't get past their masters
- I asked Siri "What do women want?" My phone has not shut up for the past three days.
- Why can't Irishmen be lawyers? They can never get past the bar.
- If we make it past 2020, I'll be dreading 2022. After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
- So...the past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
- Why don't cats make good burglars? They can't get past the laser defenses
- Why is nostalgia like grammar? We find the present tense and the past perfect
- Did you know it's impossible to run in a campground? You can only ran, it's past tents.
- How to get laid?? 1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense. - I plotted all of my past relationships on a chart It had an ex axis and a why axis.
- I spent the past 2 years looking for my girlfriend's killer But no one will do it
- I hear cancer is hard to beat No one got past stage 4.
- I made a graph of my past girlfriends. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Past Tense Jokes
Here is a list of funny past tense jokes and even better past tense puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.
- I had posted this on Clean Jokes, just thought you guys would appreciate it. So, The Past, Present, and Future all walk into a bar
It was tense. - I was taking my English final and they asked Write the past tense of 'Think' . I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'. - Teacher: What is the tense of the phrase "I am beautiful" Student: Past
- What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety? Past tense.
- The past, the future, and the present all walked into a bar at the same time. It was tense.
- The Past, the future and the present walked into a bar An things got tense
- The Past, The Present, and The Future walk into a bar It was tense.
- The past, present and future walk into a room. It got all tense.
- There's a question in the exam that said, "What is the past tense of 'think'?"
So I thought and thought and thought and eventually I picked 'thinked'.
Past Present Future Jokes
Here is a list of funny past present future jokes and even better past present future puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present... I didn't get you one.
- Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it." "And forget the present, I didn't get you one."
- Buddhist birthday wishes Forget the past, you cannot change it.
Forget the future, you cannot know it.
Forget the present, I didn't bring you one. - The Past, The Present, and The Future walk into a bar. The situation was tense.
- The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
- The Past, Present, and Future unexpectedly meet in a bar ... It was a very tense situation!
- The past, present, and future walk into a bar It was tense.
- The past, the present and the future got into a fight. It was pretty intense.
- The past, the present and the future had a meeting. It was tense in there.
- Time, of course, doesn't exist. There's no past, no present, no future. Just one constant pulsating moment. And that point, the guy said to me, "Just give me a rough idea of the time, mate."
Past Life Jokes
Here is a list of funny past life jokes and even better past life puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- For the first time in my life I can walk past a balloon and it doesn't stick to me I'm absolutely ex-static!
- I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?
- Two elks ran past me and I saw some leeches on their bodies. They were hanging on for deer life.
- I just told my girlfriend that I was an Italian mite in a past life . I'm a Roman tick at heart.
- Reincarnation A virus boasted to the crowd. "In a past life I was a fly!"
A heckler shouted, "and now you're a flu!" - Why did Jesus return from the dead? Because in his past life he only got nailed once
- I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you." I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
- Clinging on to past and living is like driving forward while watching the rear view mirror...
- In a past life I must of been a mushroom. Because I'm a pretty fungi.
- In my past life I was a turtle... It is all slowly coming back to me.
Great Past Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about past you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean history jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make past pranks.
I've been sleeping with my maid for the past 3 years.
Just don't tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.
A pastor goes hiking
as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."
I hate going through airport security...
For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.
Legs Up
Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"
Best read out loud
I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...
Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.
"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"
"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."
"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"
"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"
How I learned to miknd my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!
Over the past year, my s**... fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse.
But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.
Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
Bartender asks a returning guest...
You come in everyday for the past 10 years paying for the same drink with 4 quarters. Why? The guest responds with, "I don't like change!"
Fascinate
Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?
Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise.
Teacher: Good, but "fascinated" is past tense. Can anyone else try?
Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow.
Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an "ing" at the end of the word and made it an adjective. I just want to hear the verb "fascinate".
Ernie: Yo mama got a blouse with 12 b**... on it...but she so fat, she can only fascinate!
A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road
as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materialistic? Do you not realize that your entire left arm is also missing?" The lawyer quickly looks at his left arm and yells, "No, my Rolex!"
Met a h**... who said she'd do anything for $5
So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week
A recent survey asked 12 year olds what they had done over the past week. 83 percent answered...
"your mom".
Is it I 'ran' through the campground?
Or...I 'run' through the campground?
Oh right, I ran, because its past tents.
Today I was walking past a car filled with black people and they locked the door when I got close.
I felt like a badass until I realized that it was my car.
n**... sunbathing....
A man was sunbathing n**... at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."
I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.
I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"
Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past...
One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day."
What happens when two pastries divorce?
They have a custardy battle
My dad and i were driving past a cemetery
When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice
"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"
And i was really confused so i asked why and he said
"Because they are still alive."
Original: tumblr user @hello.
Many burn victims are not very attractive,
But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.
A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road
They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
My wife is so ugly...
she walked past the walrus enclosure at Sea World, and her iPhone X unlocked itself.
I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.
I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.
A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.
The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"
A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.
He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.
My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning.
But that's whey past my bedtime.
In the past, empires were ruled by emperors, then kingdoms were ruled by kings.
Now we have countries.
My son called me saying he's in the hospital
"Mom, please don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Son, you're a doctor and you've been doing this joke for the past 5 years."
For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships....
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
I asked a pregnant woman if I could feel the baby
She said that I could, but once I started rolling my sleeve up past my elbow she ran away. Rude.
I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.
I took a tern for the wurst.
Father, I must confess I've been having s**... with two gorgeous models everyday for the past month.
Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour.
Man: I'm Jewish
Father: What are you telling me for then?
Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar
One asks the other, Hey, wanna go inside and get s**...-faced?
A man decided to sunbathe on the beach.
He took all of his clothes off, except that he covered his private parts with a hat to prevent a sunburn. As he's sunbathing, a woman walks past him. She looks at the man and snidely remarks:
"A true gentleman would always tip his hat for a lady."
To which the man replies:
"Ma'am, if you were a true lady, it would tip itself."
I was walking past a prison the other day, and
I saw a dwarf in an orange jumpsuit shimmying down the side of the building.
I thought to myself, now that's a little con descending.
I just drove past a prison and noticed a short fella escaping by sliding down a rope hung from the prison wall...
I thought, that's a little condescending.
I was walking past the graveyard late at night
and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"
I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."
And you never saw anyone run so fast.
Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived.
Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.
Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it's feared staff may get a raw deal.
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote Revelations 3:20 on the back of it and stuck it to the door.
When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message: Genesis 3:10 .
When he checked his Bible to discover what this could mean, the pastor began to chuckle.
Revelations 3:20 reads behold, I stand at the door and knock . Genesis 3:10 says, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was n**....
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?"
JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters."
Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you"
I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
An assistant to Donald Trump
>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**
Feminist have invented a new form of birth control that kills any s**... with a Y chromosome.
It's called sonblock.
First joke on here. Came up with that while camping this past weekend.
I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke
A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.
At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.
The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13..."
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14.... 14... 14..."
This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.
He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was.
" They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.
"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.
The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.
She said "The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"
Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
What did you do that for? he asks.
Curfew violation, the other guard says.
Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!
I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.
You cannot RUN through a campsite, you can only RAN through a campsite.
Because it's past tents
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
For past 10 years my wife has been complaining to me about not putting the cap back on the toothpaste...
On our anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.
For a week I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste.
I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.
Finally, last night she turned and looked at me and said:
Why did you stop brushing your teeth ?? !!!
I've recently became a father, so for the past few weeks I thought I'd try my hand at telling dad jokes.
He says I should go home and support my wife.
