Past Continuous Jokes

Timmy Learns to Count

A preschool teacher asked her students in class, "who can count from one to ten?"
Little 3-year old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, "I can!" and started counting "one, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!"
The teacher is impressed, "Well done Timmy! Who taught you that?"
"My uncle Bobby!" Timmy said.
"Can you count past ten?" The teacher asked Timmy.
"That's easy!" Timmy continued, "Jack, Queen, King..."

Clinton consults the past

Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.
Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
She thought about this while continuing on to the Lincoln Memorial, and once again she asked the same question. After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

Everything is bigger in Texas

A Texan man was driving thru rural NSW with his Aussie chaperone when they passed a cornfield.
'You know back where I am from in Texas our cornfields are ten times larger then that' scoffs the Texan.
Next they drive past a couple of barns.
'You know back where I am from in Texas our barns are ten times larger then that'
They continue along when they pass an open field with kangaroos jumping about.
'What do you call those things' asks the shocked Texan.
The Aussie chaperone replies 'don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?'

Nort!

Leaving school late one day, a boy rushed home for dinner. Knowing he would not be on time taking the usual route, he sought a shortcut through a large fenced field. Well past sunset, he hopped the fence and began to pick his way through the darkened expanse. About halfway through the field he heard a voice:
"Nort" it said.
The boy paused, and squinting his eyes, called "...yes...?"
Hearing no response, the boy continued on in darkness.
Again, but closer this time, he heard the voice. "Nort! Nort!"
"Yes? Hello? Do I know you?" asked the boy.
Sadly, the boy was not to return home that evening. News of his fate headlined the morning paper:
'Local boy Norton Norbert gored to death by harelip bull.'

Hey Lady!

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
This continued for a couple weeks. Eventually, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store if the parrot did not stop insulting her.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!"
"Yes?", she said
The parrot said, "You know."

The parrot in a pet store

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!"
She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue them. The manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know."

Some crows had been pestering a farmer...

despite already having a scarecrows in his fields. While he drove past his plots, he looked the other way and noticed his neighbor's plots had identical scarecrows, but only a couple crows, so he went to ask for his help.
"Hey neighbor, we have the same scarecrows but you ain't got nearly as many crows. How come?"
"Well, they look the same but let me show you."
So the two men walk out towards one of the scarecrows but as they draw near it lets out a big roar. This startles the first farmer and causes him to jump, but the other continues right up to it.
"We spend a lot of time and money replacing batteries, but it's a MIDI-ogre solution."
*Edited delivery.*

A man and his memories

A man was going on vacation for the first time in 20 years. He is very grumpy becuase he has not been off of work in a long time. So he is driving down the highway, and he sees an advertisement for a free chance to meet an Indian man who claims that he can tell you one of your most distant memories. He doesnt beleive it and continues driving. Soon, he pulls over for gas, and as he fills up, he sees the tee-pee that the old Indian man was living in. He figures since he has already stopped, he should go over and check it out. He walks over and enters. Without so much as a simple "Hello", he blurts out "What did I have for breakfast 20 years ago?" The Indian folds his arms and concentrates. After a few seconds, he shouts out "EGGS!" The grumpy man snorts and says, "how would you know what I ate for breakfast 20 years ago?!" and storms out laughing.
10 years past, and the man is driving down the same highway going on another vacation. He sees the old tee-pee and pulls over. He thought to himself "I was pretty mean to the guy all those years ago, maybe I will go and apologize" He also figures he will try some of the Indians' native language. He knows that this particular language has "Hi" being said "How". So he walks in and aproaches the old Indian man saying "How" The Indian man folds his arms and thinks. Confused, the other man just stands there and waits for him to say hi back. After a few seconds, the old Indian yells out "SCRAMBLED!"

The Rabbi and the Devil

So, one day, the devil visits a synagogue while all the folk are deep in the middle of whatever it is they do at synagogues.
Once the smoke and clamour clears, the devil steps forth, slicing the air his pitchfork, flashing eyes of fire. At the sight of him, hooves and all, all the men and women in attendance run screaming for their lives out of the synagogue, trailing their children behind them.
As pleased as the devil is with his grand appearance, he can't help but twist his head to look at the rabbi, who's calmly putting his things away for the night with a tired sigh.
"You," the devil says, pointing his spindly finger at him, "rabbi. Do you not know who I am?"
The rabbi only sighs and continues to clear up the place.
The devil steps closer to the man, scalding the floor with each step. "And yet you do not seem to be afraid, why is that?" he hisses, s**... his beard.
The rabbi shrugs. "Why should I be? I've been married to your sister these past forty-three years."
.
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Credit/Source: video I watched on youtube a while ago. I've probably added/cut-out from the original, but that's the charm of Chinese whispers, no?

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of ' careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember.
Try as he might, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."