Passing Jokes
165 passing jokes and hilarious passing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about passing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article offers readers a variety of jokes about passing out, passing a driving test, passing gas, passing the bar exam, passing kidney stones, passing wind, passing the phone, passing an exam, checkpoints, passersby, and a passer. Check out these hilarious jokes about passing.
Quick Jump To
- Short Passing Jokes
- Passing One Liners
- Passing The Bar Jokes
- Passing Exam Jokes
- Passing Gas Jokes
- Passing The Phone Jokes
- Passing Out Jokes
- More Passing Jokes
Funniest Passing Short Jokes
Short passing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The passing humour may include short passed jokes also.
- Trump tests positive for COVID-19. He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.
- Dude 1: Hey, bro? Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure
- My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud. All i can do is a low ha.
- In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice." - I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and try to pass them off as my own. I still do, but I used to too.
- The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake She still isn't talking to me
- The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick. I accidentally gave her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me. - I still remember my Grandfather's last ever joke... He said to me, before he passed- 'Quick! Get my medicine!'
But, I didn't get it :/ - Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish flu have passed away. This seems very suspicious to me!
- I passed all my courses except for greek mythology. It has always been my Achilles' elbow.
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Passing One Liners
Which passing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with passing? I can suggest the ones about driving test pass and forward pass.
- Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? Because the sign says No Tres passing
- Hey, you wanna win? Nah, we'll pass.
- Why are there no irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.
- Our local auctioneer has passed away. He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.
- I just passed my drug test My dealer has some serious explaining to do
- I just passed by Canadian citizenship test! I got an eh +
- Why doesn't Magneto wear his old costume anymore? Because days of fuchsia passed
- TIL: rope can pass through themselves Ohh wait they can knot.
- How did the terminal cancer patient do in school? He passed.
- Why don't Mexicans cross the border in 3's? No tres passing
- A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
- I found out some sad news today. My German teacher passed away. Au revoir, amigo.
- Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet? Brochure.
- My Korean friend passed away... So Yung...
- When beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
Passing The Bar Jokes
Here is a list of funny passing the bar jokes and even better passing the bar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar... He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
- Why can't Irish people become lawyers? Because of their inability to pass the bar!
Credit to my dad for this one - Why couldn't the alcoholic become a lawyer? He just couldn't pass the bar.
- 100 Law Students walk into a bar... ...About 50 of them pass.
- Why is the alcoholic law student sad? Because he couldn't pass the bar.
- My dad was an alcoholic who wanted to be a lawyer. But he could never pass the bar.
- What's the hardest thing for an alcoholic law student to do? Pass the bar
- What's the hardest thing about becoming a lawyer in Ireland? Passing the bar.
- Why are there no Irish attorneys? None of them can pass the Bar.
- Why do Irishmen make horrible lawyers? They can never pass the bar.
Passing Exam Jokes
Here is a list of funny passing exam jokes and even better passing exam puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I have an archaeology exam tomorrow And it doesn't matter if I pass or fail because either way...
My future's in ruins. - Totally sick of idiots letting firework off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!! Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!
- I passed my cheerleading exam... I went in and said "Give me an A!" and they did.
- How do you pass the Isis entrance exam? I don't know about you, I bombed it.
- I passed my physical exam! But I only got a C in Hepatitis.
- I did some acid before I took my vision exam. It went great, I passed with flying colors.
- I have a math exam My mom said she will give me 200$ if I pass.
My dad said he will give me 500$ if I pass.
I'm gonna get 1000$ after passing that easy exam,Wish me luck. - If you want to pass your calculus exam, don't sit in between two identical twins. It's very hard to differentiate between them.
- Since I have a lot of exams next week... I decided to buy a Seahawks jersey. That way, I'm sure to pass even if I shouldn't
- I passed my Algebra test today but failed my Biology exam. The aftermath was really difficult.
Passing Gas Jokes
Here is a list of funny passing gas jokes and even better passing gas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine? An excess stench hole crisis.
- My dad taught me everything I know about passing gas. I've been under his tootelage my whole life.
- I once passed gas in an elevator, Which was wrong on so many levels.
- What do you call someone who doesn't pass gas in public? A private tooter (tutor)
- There was once an Egyptian Pharaoh rumored to have never passed gas... His name was Toot-Uncommon.
- What did the Egyptian say to his friend when they both passed gas at the same time? We just had a toot in common
- Why did the man driving stop at every gas station? Cause it's impolite to pass gas
- I'm an anesthesiologist. I get to pass gas for a living.
- When you pass gas loudly in a crowded room, everyone should applaud... That takes some guts.
- What name did they give the Egyptian pharaoh who rarely passed gas? Toot-uncommon
Passing The Phone Jokes
Here is a list of funny passing the phone jokes and even better passing the phone puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my teenage son to pass me the phone book He laughed, called me a dinosaur and handed me his iPhone.
So, the spider is dead. The iPhone is broken and my son is furious. - The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today. Restaurant in peace.
- 3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code in my phone. So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.
- So this girl asked for my phone number this morning, but I really wasn't into her, so I made one up. Jokes on me though, now I don't know if my car passed the MOT or not.
- Showing memes to my mum Me: *passes phone to mom to show a dank meme
Mom: who is that?
Me: I don't know mom, just laugh and gimme back my phone. - What's your phone pass code? 091101
Why?
I'll never forgot.
Passing Out Jokes
Here is a list of funny passing out jokes and even better passing out puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the EA executive cross the road? Buy the DLC to find out!
Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass! - Marital Argument A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."
- The internet is an amazing thing. One minute I'm at work looking up
random pages, passing the time, the
next minute I'm at home looking for a new job. - A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away This was a grave mistake
- The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
- My wife asked me My wife asked me to pass her lipbalm & I gave her superglue by mistake.
She's still not talking to me - American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow" - A son asked his dad "Can you pass me my sunglasses?"
"Sure." Replied the dad. "Then can you pass me my dadglasses?" - Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away His funfair will be held next Monkey
- I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier. I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"
He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
Gather Around for Fun Passing Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about passing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean failing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make passing pranks.
Death Notice
An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a s**.... While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.
"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."
"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"
"Have it say, "Ruth died.""
"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""
I could argue that someone passing out in the punchline enhances the joke,
but that would be faint praise indeed.
So a neutrino walks into a bar...
Bartender: "Can I get you a drink?"
Neutrino: "No thanks, just passing through."
A priest and a pastor...
... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'
They hold up the sign to cars passing by.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.
From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
My grandfather's favorite
A homeless man was walking down the street, noticeable wearing only one shoe. A passing policeman saw and commented, "Morning, did you lose your shoe?" The homeless man replies, "I didn't lose a shoe, I found one!"
Successful entrepreneur
I met an old friend from high school the other day, and I couldn't believe how wealthy he had become. He ran a massively successful business, but could barely get a passing grade in math class when I knew him.
I asked him how he did it.
He said it was easy.
"All I did was find a product I could make for $2 and sell for $4. You'd be surprised just how much 2% adds up over the years!"
Grieving in Ireland
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
The boy replies, 'No tanks mister. s**... is the last thing on me mind at the moment.'
A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...
it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.
The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"
A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"
A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing...
...voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL."
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?"
My eight year old niece told me this. I think it's pretty funny!
An elephant is passing by an apple tree, and he spots a monkey up there. He asks the monkey,
"Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?"
*"I'm gonna eat bananas now."*
"s**... monkey, you are sitting on an apple tree!"
*"s**... elephant, I got bananas in my pocket."*
Movie theater madness
A young lad did some work for a farmer and when he was done was given a goose as barter payment. He tucked the goose under his arm and began walking home. As he was passing through town he noticed that a movie that he wanted to see was playing at the theater. Since they didn't allow animals he stuffed the goose down his pants, paid for his ticket and found a seat in the packed theater next to two old ladies as the lights dimmed.
The goose began to struggle and not wanting to be discovered, the young man inconspicuously unzipped his fly so that the goose could breathe. Shortly thereafter, one of the old ladies nudged the other, "Edna, the boy sitting next to me has his fly unzipped and something is sticking out!"
"Martha", her companion replied,"When you've seen one you've seen 'em all."
"Well you've never seen one like this before. It's eating my popcorn!"
While in Prague I drove by the maximum security prison. It made me feel uneasy...
I never like passing bad Czechs.
Heard this conversation passing by in college today.
Guy: Do you know why I'm such a good fisherman?
Girl: No why?
Guy: Because I've got a nice rod and I hook all the ladies with it.
Girl: I figured it was because you were a master baiter
So a realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an Open House
A guy says "Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?"
The realtor says "Brochure"
Islamic joke I saw somewhere
A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.
A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.
The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.
That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.
A man visits his doctor...
and says "Doc, you gotta help me. I have a terrible case of flatulence. Fortunately it's completely silent and there's no smell, but I haven't stopped passing gas for two days ! Can you help me ? "
Doc says "Yes, but first we need to check your hearing and your sinuses."
[ok, I'm walking off, no need to throw stuff.]
An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through, she leans over and says to him: "I just had silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"
He leans over to her and replies:
" Put a new battery in your Hearing Aid."
A ship is sailing through the sea...
passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.
A passenger asks the captain:
- Who is he?
- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.
I was on the train having a p**....
When the ticket inspector knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket please."
"There you go," I replied, passing it under the door.
"Thanks for the free ticket." replied the voice, running away.
Eat your mother
Two cannibals, a father and son, are walking down the street, when they notice a hot girl passing by.
The son says to the father, "Daddy, I'm hungry, let's eat that girl that just passed by."
The father replies, "I've got a better idea son, let's take this one home and eat your mother instead!"
There were two old men sitting on a park bench
...passing the day away talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"
"What do you mean you THINK she is dead?" asked the first man.
"Well..." explained the second man, "the s**... is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."
Sad to hear of the passing of Liesl von Trapp
at the age of 73, going on 74.
One positive of Arnold Palmer's passing...
He's six under for the first time in years...
I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply?
"At least it's all behind you."
Two guys are playing golf...
Two elderly gentlemen come to a par 3 hole. One of them tees up, starts to swing, but notices a f**... procession passing by. He stops mid-swing, takes off his hat and bows to the procession. After it passes, he puts on his hat and resumes his swing. The other man says to him, "Wow, that was really gentlemanly of you, paying your respects like that!" As he swings, he replies, "Well, she was my wife for 25 years..."
A farmer once successfully bred a three-legged chicken...
and bragged about it to his neighbors on how fast it was. A billionaire was passing by and took a liking to it. So he made a million dollar offer to the farmer for the chicken. Surprisingly, the farmer declined.
'Then, I'll give you five million for it,' said the billionaire.
'Sorry, I can't,' said the farmer.
'10 million dollars, I don't believe you'll turn down the offer'
'I'm truly sorry. I can't.'
The billionaire was stumped and asked, 'Is 10 million not enough?'
The farmer only sighed and reply, 'It's not that I don't want to sell it, that darned chicken is literally too fast for me to catch it.'
What's the difference between origami and a grandpa passing wind?
One is the art of the fold, the other, the f**... of the old.
I came up with a new word that means taking someone else's work and passing it off as my own.
Plagiarism
A fellow was boasting that he was born an Englishman and would die an Englishman.
A passing Scot overheard and stopped to ask,
"Dear God, man, have ye no ambition?!"
My son just became a father for the first time today…
And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…they were stored in my dadabase.…
A man walks into a psychologist's office
The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"
The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."
The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."
Indignant, the man shoots back, "No way! I love being a moth, thank-you very much!"
"So why on Earth did you come in here?"
"Oh, well I was just passing by and I saw your light on..."
"Don't jump!"
One day, a man decided he'd had enough of his life, and went to the balcony of the 30th floor of his office building. He stepped onto the ledge and shouted "I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna jump!"
A physics professor passing by heard the commotion and looked up. He shouted back to the man "Don't do it! Don't jump! You've got so much potential!"
The reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly...
along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street"
The Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
To which the cop replies, "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well Finnish."
A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road
They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"
A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...
I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
When I heard my new job required passing a drug test.....
Boy was I excited. Finally a test in a subject I know about!
An elephant was drinking out of the river one day...
When he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"
The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."
The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"
"Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."
What did the muslim man say as he was driving recklessly and passing other cars at dawn?
"Sorry, gotta go fast"
Surveys show people from Massachusetts go camping more than any other state.
Their destination usually includes one of Connecticut's many passing lanes.
So theres a rich arabian prince driving through a foreign country and he's passing through some farmland and sees a farmer leaning on a post so he decides to stop and have a chat.
Is this your land? He asks the farmer. Yep, from that post down to the river. Responds the farmer. The prince smiles and says, on my land i can get in my car and drive the whole day and not see the other side! And the farmer says:
Yeah i had a car like that once.
I went to the store with my wife!
While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.
She asked what was I doing and I said "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."
She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."
So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of face cream and put it in the cart.
I asked, "How can we afford this?"
She replied, "Because this makes my face pretty."
I said so will a case of beer at half the price.
TIL Dolphins deliberately get high on the nerve toxins of puffer fish by chewing on them and passing it around
Talk about 'puff puff pass', amirite?
White light hates passing through a prism.
It shows its true colors.
I'll never forget my dad's passing.
He was the greatest footballer I knew.
The Moscow State Circus are sad to announce...
The passing of their Human Cannonball.
A spokesman said they hoped that one day they might be able to find a replacement, but aren't sure they'll ever find another man of his calibre.
I went deer hunting with my older brothers when I was a youngster
It was in a mountainous area and I got separated from the group. Hopeless and lost I remember them telling me what to do: fire 3 shots in the air and they would come rescue me. Every 20 minutes I did that until I was accidentally found by a group of hunters that just happened to be passing by. I told them I sure was glad to see them! I was down to my last 3 arrows!
A distressed but attractive woman
A distressed but attractive woman stands at the top of a cliff trying to get together the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and asks "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, do you mind if we have s**... first?"
The woman replies, "Get away from me you sicko"
As the hobo turns and walks away he mutters "fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom then"
I was a bit worried so I took a pregnancy test
My mom will be proud, this is my first time passing a test!
Human thought
A teacher is teaching the kids that there is nothing quicker than a human thought. All of a sudden, one of the kids gets up and says that she is wrong, so the teacher asks, "What could be quicker, then?"
The kid then says, "Well, last night I overheard my parents having s**... as I was passing by the bedroom. After a short while I heard my dad say, 'Shit, I came quicker than I thought.'"
What did the one f**... say to the other
Just passing through
A high-end lawyer is leaving his car when he gets sideswiped by a passing truck.
He calls the cops and he start complaining to them about how the truck had ruin his beautiful Roles Royce. The cop looks at him and sneers, you lawyers, always so concerned about your money. You are so busy worrying about your car that you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing.
The lawyer looks at his missing arm in horror and screams, oh no, my Rolex!!
An elephant was drinking from a river...
When he noticed a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled up over and kicked it clear across the river.
'What did you do that for?' Asked a passing wombat.
'Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a n**... out of my trunk 53 years ago'
'What a memory!!' Says the wombat.
'Yes,' said the elephant, 'turtle recall'
Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.
Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks. Intrigued, they go to investigate.
The first one says: I'm pretty sure those are bear tracks.
The second one says: No, I'm pretty sure they're wolf tracks.
The third one thinks for a while, then says Actually-
They were all hit by a passing train.
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
A young guy gets paired with an elderly man for a round of golf.
The old man lines up to putt on the fourth green, when they notice a f**... procession passing by the course.
The old man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and returns to the putt.
After the hole, the young guy says, I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased .
Old guy says, Well, we were married 42 years... least I could do.
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?
He left the reigns down in Africa.
A man is lying on a bench
Wearing nothing but a cap over his c**.... A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift by itself."
"I got her!''
A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"
The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."
He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street. After that, he heard a massive thump.
"What the b**... h**... was that??" the driver asked
The drunk man replies, "You missed her, I got her with my door".
An old lady goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, i'm constantly passing gas. They're not loud and they don't smell. But I want it to stop."
The doctor gives the woman pills and says
"Take these and call me next week."
So a week later the old lady calls the doctor.
"Your pills didn't work, not only am I still f**..., but they're also extremely loud."
"Good," says the doctor. "We've fixed your hearing, now lets fix your sense of smell."
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...
They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.
Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own sign. They agreed, and to their surprise, just days later a passing officer saw a row of cars moving very slowly past the farmer's place. The policeman approached the farm, and saw a new, hand-painted sign stating: "Nudist Colony".
An old lady is sitting with her doctor
I've been having the most terrible flatulence, doctor. I just can't stop passing gas. Luckily, they're silent and they don't smell at all. Why, you couldn't tell but I've f**... at least five or six times in the few minutes I've been here with you.
The doctor pulled out his prescription pad and began writing.
Are these pills to help with my stomach?
The doctor replied, no – your sense of smell.
A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...
...and rubbed them against the car door.
Magically, it opened!!
"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"
"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."
I just took an IQ test!
I got a 70, but hey, that's passing right?
A woman is hugely upset and sobbing because she has locked her keys inside her car.
A passing soldier stops and assures her he can help, she looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens! Amazed she asks him how he did it, "Easy" he says,
"These are my khakis"
I met a happy gay couple while passing through Mobile, AL
I asked if it was hard being gay here because I heard these jokes about how backwards Alabama is. They laughed and said it was a fair question, but all of their friends were really cool with it. I thought this was great news, so I asked how their families felt about it. I was shocked when they said everyone but their sister was also really supportive.
A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"
"Anything" replied his wife.
The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son?"
His wife replied sincerely "Yes, you don't have to worry, he is our son". And with his mind set at ease the man passed away.
His wife thought to herself, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other two."
Just came up with this, as far as I know
A man walks into a gastroenterologist's office and stops to stand just at the edge of the seating area. The receptionist waits for him to approach but he fidgets uncomfortably, staring at the wooden seats between himself and the counter. Sir, why don't you come over here so we can get you checked in? says the receptionist.
That's why I'm here, he says, I have difficulty passing stools.
Some old friends were gathered at a table outside the local pub
They were all drinking and laughing, but when a f**... procession came passing by, one of them got up on his feet and stood in solemn sentry until the procession had passed.
I never knew you had so much respect for the dead? one of his friends commented as he sat back down.
Usually I don't, but after all, we were married for 30 years.
Two electricians are standing on a ladder leaned against a utility pole...
...when an elderly lady was passing below them. One of the electricians calls her.
\- Excuse me, ma'm! Could you pass us that wire, so we don't have to climb down?
\- This one, young man?
\- Yes, that one! Thank you so much, ma'm, you're very kind!
\- No problem, dear!
After the lady passed him the wire, and left, the electrician tells his mate:
\- See, Fred? I told you this was the neutral wire, but no, you had to insist that it was the phase line!
(6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ?
Have a grate day.
A man is standing in front of a grave
Clutching his hands together, he was crying "Oh why did you die? Oh why did you die?!"
A compassionate man passing by said
"Who was that, your wife?"
The man said "No, my wife's first husband."
