Passengers Jokes

Following is our collection of passenger puns and airline one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Passengers jokes for adults, dirty airplanes jokes and clean lifeboats dad gags for kids.

The Best Passengers Puns

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, HIJACK!

All passengers got scared.

From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, HI JOHN!

I tried to be an Uber driver...

Trouble is, my passengers didn't appreciate when I went the extra mile.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."


Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

A bearded guy

A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?

I'm not sure, but he must have had a loco motive.

So a kid gets on a plane for the first time

and he is really excited about it. He is sitting inside the plane mid-flight when he finds out the plane's a Boeing. So he starts saying "Boeing.. Boeing.. Boeing.."

After a while when he doesn't stop the passengers start getting irritated, and the hostess comes along and tells the boy "Be Silent". So the boy starts "Oeing.. Oeing.. Oeing.. "

A Muslim enters a building

Along with 500 passengers and an airplane.


A plane was going down....

A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to crash in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"

Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?

Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.

I hope to die in my sleep, like my grandfather

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers

When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in panic like his passengers.

I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma,

not screaming in terror like her passengers.

A red boat and a blue boat crash into each other in the ocean...

All the passengers were marooned.

A flight from Dublin to Boston

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, the air hostess nervously announced that the catering department had made a terrible mistake. A big mix up she said. Although 226 passengers were on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised, but said that anybody kind enough to give up their meal would receive unlimited free drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, "If anybody is hungry, we still have 80 dinners available".

The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.

As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,



Why did you become a pilot?



To which the co-pilot replies, To overcome my greatest fear.



Flying? the pilot asks




No. says the co-pilot, Dying alone.


I was going to make a joke about that bus...

I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers...

But there's no pun in ten dead.

This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"

The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.

Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"

Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"

The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"

Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.

In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"

A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..

The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.

Captain, one passenger asks, who is that man over there?

I have no idea, the captain says, but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."

"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a vodka, and *pretend* the train is running!"

A city bus driver is doing his route.

After picking up some passengers, an argument about race broke out. Most of the passengers on the bus are getting involved and after twenty minutes of bickering the driver, tired of the argument, slams on the brakes and stops in the middle of the street. Everyone shuts up. He stands up and shouts at them, "I'm TIRED of this. I'm an old man and I can't bear to listen to this arguing anymore. From now on, there's no black, there's no white, got it? We're all the same color. We're all green. Now everyone sit down, dark green in back, light green in front."

Flying Blind

A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.

The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."

The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"

The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"

Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."

How I want to die...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A pilot is making an announcement to his passengers

"We got some good news, and some bad news. The good news is you guys will be on TV tonight!"

I want to die like my dad in his sleep

But not like the passengers in his car

A plane was once flying over an island..

A plane was once flying over an island when the passengers heard the pilot's voice:

Ladies & Gentlemen, if you look on the right side of the plane, you'll see an engine on fire. If you look on the left side, you'll see a wing on fire. And if you look down, you'll see me and my co-pilot in parachutes, waving at you. This is a recording.

Titanic be like

"I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge!"

A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...

A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.

The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:

-- Rabbi, what can be done?!

-- Do you still have the internet connection?

-- Yes!

-- Sell the ship!

I was going to tell you guys more jokes about the Titanic passengers

but I think they've gone overboard

I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa did.

and not screaming like the passengers in the backseat.

I'd like to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa.

Not in pain and screaming in terror, like the passengers on the bus he was driving.

I just want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa...

Not like the passengers in his car who were screaming quite loudly.

When I die...

When I die, I hope it is peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in horror like his passengers.

Just found this hillarious joke

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

A joke my grandfather told me as a kid.

After the passengers loaded on, the plane flew out of the airport. As they were getting airborn, an announcement came over the speakers: "Welcome to the first fully-automated flight. There are no pilots operating this plane, it's being operated entirely by a computer. Rest assured that rigorous testing has been run to ensure that the trip will be completely safe. Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong..."

I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like Grandma.

Not screaming in panic like the passengers of her car.

I want to die like my father; sleeping in peace ...

Not like his passengers; screaming in fear.

When I die

My only wish is that I die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling for help like the passengers in his car.

My grandad the bus driver passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday

unlike his passengers

A german, a french and a turkish man on a plane

The plane is about to crash unless the passengers drop some weight. The pilot tells the three guys to drop something which they have enough of in their country.

The french man throws a baguette out of the window.

The turkish man throws a kebap out of the window.

The german throws the turkish man out of the window.

Make me feel like a woman.

The captain of an airplane has just announced that the plane will run out of fuel and will be forced to make a crash landing. He asks everyone to call their loved ones now as things are looking bleak. As the passengers become more and more uneasy a lady jumps up, rips off her shirt, and screams "Someone make me feel like a woman one last time!" A male passenger jumps up, rips off his shirt, and hands it to her along with an iron.

My uncle died yesterday, peacefully in his sleep...

...unlike the passengers in his car.

How do you want it die?

Personally, i want to go out as my grandpa.

Peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers, screaming and crying.

A naughty child

A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.
"Why don't you go outside and play?"

A pink cruise ship crashed into a purple cruise ship.

You could say the passengers were marooned.

A plane has a horrible accident...

...and is split in half horizontally. Everyone is holding onto the oxygen masks above with their legs dangling in the air.

The captain shouts to the passengers, "We can make it, but the weight's off - at least one person needs to let go or else none of us will make it!"

Willing to die for a good cause, a young man shouts "I will sacrifice my life for all of you!"

Everyone claps.

What did the titanic say before it sank?

I am going to nominate all of my passengers for the ALS Icebucket Challenge.

Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370.

Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester.

A couple of jokes on the theme of "How I would like to die"

1) When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers

2) I want to leave this world as I entered it - kicking, screaming, and covered in somebody else's blood

I wish to die

peaceful and in sleep like my grandfather and not screaming and afraid like passengers in his bus.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my uncle Charlie

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers on his bus

I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my uncle did.

Not screaming hysterically like the passengers in the plane he was flying.

Just after the apartheid ...

A bus company's owner explain to his drivers that if they find it difficult to see people as equal they just have to consider there are no more black and white people, only blue.

So, this driver explained it to its passengers :

"Ok guys, you're not black or white anymore. Only blue. So light blue get the front seats, dark blue the rear."

Trump proposed new regulations for the airline industry...

Because even Hitler didn't remove passengers with reserved seats.

There is an abundance of stewardesses jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 58 funniest jokes and passengers puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any passengers on a bus witze you can hear about passengers.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes