Passed Jokes

Following is our collection of Passed funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Passed jokes

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don't. And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can't be buried here. I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."
The doctor says in reply "Well how do you suppose that would happen?"
"Well I don't know for sure but he hasn't passed a single test since he was vaccinated last year."
"Ah-ha! That's it!"
"So it was the vaccines then?"
"No, it's genetic."

The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn't talking to me

I still remember my Grandfather's last ever joke...

He said to me, before he passed- 'Quick! Get my medicine!'

But, I didn't get it :/

I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.

It has always been my Achilles' elbow.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.

Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, Don't cry over skilled milf.

A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away

This was a grave mistake

I just passed my drug test

My dealer has some serious explaining to do

I just passed by Canadian citizenship test!

I got an eh +

A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have sex with her today...

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have sex with her today while we were waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I didn't say anything and started to walk to my car. As I opened the door, my girlfriend came out from the kitchen and hugged me with tears in her eyes as she told me that it was a test of loyalty and I had passed!

Moral of the story: keep your condoms in your car

Why doesn't Magneto wear his old costume anymore?

Because days of fuchsia passed

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the funeral."

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967.

I'm sorry to hear that, says the first man. Couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?

Nope, replies the second guy. Everyone's at the funeral.

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away

His funfair will be held next Monkey

I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?

He passed.

I was getting off an airplane, when I passed a little boy who was waving and saying "Bye, plane!"...

"No, this isn't a biplane." I said, as the kid's dad immediately gave me a condescending look.

I went on, "You can't tell its sexual preference based just on how it looks."

A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.

I found out some sad news today. My German teacher passed away.

Au revoir, amigo.

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

How is Valve like Uranium-238?

By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.

Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.

They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"

A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?

The guy falling responded, Nope, you know anything about parachutes?

Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley

In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.

The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."

The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

A man is watching a world cup final in a sold out stadium

He notices an empty seat just in front of his and says to the guy sitting next to it, "Hey man, how come this seat here's empty? Tickets for this game havee been sold out for months!"

"Well, the seat was meant for my wife, but sadly, she passed away"

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend or relative to come along instead?"

"Nah, they're all at the funeral."

I saw a dwarf escaping from jail down the side of a wall

As he passed by, he sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."

A couple got into an argument...

A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.

As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:

"Relatives of yours?"

The man replied:

"In-laws."

As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election.

Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.

My Korean friend passed away...

So Yung...

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..

So as to spare her any further embarrassment, I quietly pointed out her chestal indiscretion as I passed.

She looks down and screams "OH MY GOD!! I left the baby on the bus!!!"

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

Maria the Catholic

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children.

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together.

" Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

A cannibal passed his friend in the woods.

My cat passed.

RIP Fluffy McMittens

2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2016

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she's gone?

He said: What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.

Sandra, a devout Catholic, got married and had 11 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 11 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Sandra also passed away.

At Sandra's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

There were two guys playing golf, and a funeral passed

so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game.

His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'ο»Ώ

Trump receives a message

Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.

The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.

A funeral rerun . . .

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

Mexican self defense

A Mexican passed a Japanese man and a Korean man as they were discussing their favorite type of martial arts.

Japanese man: I practice karate, the defense arts.

Korean man: I practice Taekwondo, teaches defense and attack.

At this point the men notice the Mexican and ask him what he practices

Mexican: Judono

Men: We have heard of Judo but not Judono, what is it?

Mexican: Well, judono if I got a gun, judono if I got a knife...

A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk

He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"

Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."

The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from the church.

The little boy responds "No need to fetch him, sex won't help this any."

I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...

...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the funeral"

A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...

...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband funeral.

When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:

"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"

I was at the football game the other day...

It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me

I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.

"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.

I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.

"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.

The man replied, "Oh, he's at the funeral!".

A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.

On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....

I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..

Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space

Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.

**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.

**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.

**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes