passed Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious passed puns

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

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My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*

A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"

He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.

"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"

He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"

"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"

*

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma-"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks.

"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."

"What did you do before this?"

"I drove a hearse."

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My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

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Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

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A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man: That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?

The guy: No…they are all at the funeral!

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Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest

"Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"

They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said:
"What about the two at the gate?"

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...

He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...

One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.

But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him.
And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...

She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...


- "Really?, youll do anything id like?"

- "yes" she said "anything!"

- "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"

- "ok..."

- "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"

- "wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.

- "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"

she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.

- "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"

- "ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.

- "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...

She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"

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"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

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Morning sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

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A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

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An elderly man walks into a confessional.

Man: I am 92 years old, had a wonderful wife of 70 years who recently passed away, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish.

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I'm 92 years old…I'm telling everybody!

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Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed in the least.......... Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."
The doctor says in reply "Well how do you suppose that would happen?"
"Well I don't know for sure but he hasn't passed a single test since he was vaccinated last year."
"Ah-ha! That's it!"
"So it was the vaccines then?"
"No, it's genetic."

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I still remember my Grandfather's last ever joke...

He said to me, before he passed- 'Quick! Get my medicine!'

But, I didn't get it :/

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I want to share a recent experience about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have had brushes with authorities on our way home from late night "social sessions". A couple of nights ago I was out with some friends having a few drinks and let's just say I may have had a few too many. Knowing that I was "slightly" over the limit, I did something I had never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was, they waved it past. So I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it.

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Unjustice In Hell

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

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I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

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A man has Super Bowl tickets

A man and his new wife make a pact to go to every Super Bowl. After 43 years the wife passes away, but the man continues their tradition and goes to the next super bowl. Another man sitting in the same row sees the empty seat next to the man and asks "why is this seat empty? It's the super bowl?" And the man replies "well it was my wife's seat but she passed away" and the other asks " well did you not want to invite anyone else?, any family?" And the man responds "I did but nobody would come with me" and the other remarks, "man that's tough your wife dies and they wouldn't come to the super bowl with you, what did they have to do that was better?" And the man says, "well her funeral was today."

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A father is getting his daughter ready for bed...

during her bedtime prayer she said, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandpa." The father found that to be a little weird, but the following day the little girl's grandfather passed away.
The next night at bedtime her prayer was was similar, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough the following day, the little girl's grandma passed away.
The following night at bedtime the daughter gave the most terrifying prayer yet, "bless Mommy, bless my brother, goodbye Daddy." That night the father did not get one bit of sleep, and the following day he made every effort possible to be as careful as he could. Thankfully he made it through the day just fine. Arriving home he told his wife what a terrible day he had to which she interrupted him with, "Oh, you think you've had a horrible day? The milkman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!"

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Game 7

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, he says. They're all at the funeral."

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The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.

Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

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A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land....

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?"
The man said "A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

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A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

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Chris says to his father.

"Dad I just passed my drivers test and I was wondering if you could help me buy my first car".

His father said he'd make a deal with his son

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'"

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said

"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."


The Dad replied:

'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

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Drinking and driving

I would like to share my experience with drinking and driving.

As most of you are aware, some of us have been known to have had close encounters with the authorities on our way home from the nights out drinking and socializing.

So a couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some close friends of mine and had just a few too many.

Knowing full well I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. As fate would have it, I passed a police checkpoint but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not even quite sure where I got it.

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Two friends are drinking in a bar...

Before they know it, the night has passed into the wee hours of the morning. The first man turns to the second and says "I'll be in trouble when I get home to the wife again. Every time I'm home late I get a taxi to a few doors down, creep round to the back door, take my shoes off, tip toe up the stars and sneak into bed without a sound. She always wakes up and gives me a good shouting."
"Try what I do," says the second man. "I drive across the lawn, slam the front door, stomp upstairs and turn the bedroom light on. Then I jump into bed, slap my wife on the arse, and say 'how about a quicky?' She's fast asleep every time."

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A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away

This was a grave mistake

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10 men are about to become priests

10 men went to learn the way of priesthood. They have passed all tests and are going to go through the rite or ordination.

But before, they must pass a last test is to see if they are truly ready to serve the Lord.

All 10 are made to sit in line, naked, with a small bell tied to their penis. Then beautiful women, also naked, are made to pass in front of the priests. If the latter have all cast aside their human temptations, no bell should ring.

As the ladies walked by, trying to seduce the men, none but 1 bell started to ring. It rang louder and louder, until it slipped and fell down.

Ashamed, the should-be priest stood up to recover his bell. As he bent down to pick it up, 9 bells started to ring.

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I just passed my drug test

My dealer has some serious explaining to do

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I just passed my drug test

my dealer has some explaining to do

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Manliest man ever contest

Three men joined the Manliest Man Ever contest, the one who passed 3 rooms will get the award:
- First room: 10 barrels of best wine
- Second room: 10 times with a very hot model
- Third room: 10 hours with a tiger.

The first guy goes with the girl room, and after 8 times, he quit. The second guy goes with the tiger, and after 8 hours, he quit.

The last guy said "f**k the contest, I will try the wine first", the he goes to the first room. After 10 barrels, he somehow managed to go to the tiger room. 10 hours later, he came out, and said

"Hell of a night man. Now, show me the tiger room"

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The old man and his 3 wives

An old man at a bar tells the bartender, "I've had three wives but no luck. Unfortunately for me, all of my wives have passed away."

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry to hear that....how did your first wife die?"

"She ate poisonous mushrooms." Said the man.

The bartender gives his condolences then askes, "What about your second wife?"

The man again says, "She ate poisonous mushrooms."

The bartender questions asking the man about the third wife..."did the third wife eat poisonous mushrooms as well?" He finally asks.

"No, she was actually strangled to death." The old man said in response.

"Oh my gosh, why?!?" The bartender questioned in amazement.

"Because she wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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I just passed by Canadian citizenship test!

I got an eh +

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A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.

A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can't take that chance!"

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A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.

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My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.


After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.

Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"


Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

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My girlfriend's sister invited me to have sex with her today...

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have sex with her today while we were waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I didn't say anything and started to walk to my car. As I opened the door, my girlfriend came out from the kitchen and hugged me with tears in her eyes as she told me that it was a test of loyalty and I had passed!

Moral of the story: keep your condoms in your car

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Mr. Smith is Dead

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

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You must be single.

A woman was walking to the checkout at the supermarket when she passed a drunk man leaning against a newspaper rack. Obviously being someone she didn't want to engage in conversation, she walks past him and starts unloading the contents of her cart onto the conveyor belt.

1 head of lettuce

A bag of flour

4 oranges

A loaf of bread

A pack of toilet paper

A flat of water

And two pounds of ground beef.

The woman is about to check out when she notices the drunk man has been watching her the entire time, he yells out with such conviction:

"You must be single!"

The woman was indeed single and knew she shouldn't engage this drunk man, but she looked at what she had bought and nothing jumped out at her that should broadcast her relationship status. She responds:

"You're right! I am single. But how on earth could you tell?"

Slurring his words, the man replies:

"Cuz' yer ugly."

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A masochist and a sadist once married..

They did not know what the other person was and like every happy married life, they did not talk about each other's feelings. The sadist hit the masochist in bed every night and the masochist cried out in happiness that his wife could cater to his needs without him asking for it. The marriage worked. Years passed, and one day the man was in his death bed. The wife asked him, "what is your last wish honey?" The man replied, "I want a line up of men to come hit me till I die." The woman agreed and the next day asked asked the man to come out to see the line up she had got for him to punch him. Frail and almost dead, he stepped out to see the punch line, and there was none.

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Why doesn't Magneto wear his old costume anymore?

Because days of fuchsia passed

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A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her

He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics"
Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not.
After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again.
"Look, I'm sorry. I just can't kiss you. In fact," he sighed, "I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

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My friend handed me a gift right before he passed away.

What the hell am I supposed to do with an EpiPen?

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Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome...

...One held a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people passed by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar holding the Cross.

The Pope came by and stopped to watch the number of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. The Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just to prove a point."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turning to the beggar with the Cross, said, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

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A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the funeral."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

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How I learned to mind my own buisness.

I was out for a walk and passed a mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting: "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over, but I saw a small gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on in there.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting: "14... 14... 14..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Stone and birds...

There was a native American once named 'One Stone' because he was born with
one testicle. He hated his name. He proclaimed if anyone ever called him that again, he would take their life.

One day a young woman named 'Bluebird' forgot and called him '1 stone'. He made love to her until she died from exhaustion.

Years passed an no one called him that again. Until one day 'Yellowbird' returned to the village and let it slip. He made love to her for 5 days and she would not die.

He was perplexed.

When he went to his chief to inquire, the chief replied "Don't be silly. Everyone knows you can't kill two birds with one stone"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away

His funfair will be held next Monkey

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The Monk

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.

The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and you can only say two words every 3 years."

The man agrees and takes the vow of silence.

Three years later the head monk comes to him and says, "It has been three years. What are your two words?"

"Food cold", said the man.

Another three years pass, the head monk approaches him again and asks him what his two words are.

"Bed hard"

And so another three years has passed and the head monk sees him again and asks the same question.

"I quit"

The head monk looks at him and says, "Well good, because you've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

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A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car

"Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy

"I suppose a car would be in order *if* you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father.

After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was still long and shaggy.
"I am very impressed with you" said the father "you are passing all of your classes, and you read the Bible every day. But why wont you cut your hair?"

"After reading the Bible, I have noticed something." Said the boy "Moses, Samson, and Absalom all had long hair. There is even evidence that *Jesus* may have had long hair!"

The father replied back "Did you also notice how they had to walk everywhere too?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I walked into my local community center.

I was visiting a local community center because I was interested in learning a new hobby.


On my way to the office, I passed a group of guys in a beat boxing class.


I walked in and decided to try and fit in with my beatboxing skills, "bootssskts bootsskts uhh uhh my name is Chris, Yall mutha fuckas aint ready for this. Wickawickabtssssss" I leaned back in the first chair I saw, confident I gained their respect.

One of the boys walks up to me and spat one back at me

"Th-Th-Th-This is a speech therapy class."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The man who invented the dildo sadly passed away. His funeral went just as expected.

Only women came.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?

He passed.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final

He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.

MAN: "who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"

GUY: "that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "oh... that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat .. ..but these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...they are all currently at her funeral!"



⚽⚽⚽
FIFA FEVER

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Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn't have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.

I can certainly try, for my best friend.

Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him.

AHHHH! Who are you?

Calm down, calm down. It's me Jack.

Good hell, you scared me half to death.

It's ok, but I've come with good news and bad news.

Well, what's the good news then? pondered Sam.

There is baseball in heaven.

Thank goodness, said Sam, feeling wonderful, but what's the bad news?

You're pitching Tuesday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was getting off an airplane, when I passed a little boy who was waving and saying "Bye, plane!"...

"No, this isn't a biplane." I said, as the kid's dad immediately gave me a condescending look.

I went on, "You can't tell its sexual preference based just on how it looks."

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I just walked past a car filled with black people.

They locked the door as I passed. I felt like a bad ass until I realized that it was my car.

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Risky Burial

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."

The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."

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NFC Championship game

A guy goes to the NFC championship game. He's got great seats, right on the 50 yard line. He looks over and there is an old man sitting next to an empty seat. So he asks, Do you know who this seat belongs to?

The old man says yes, my wife and I have been coming to these games for 40 years. That used to be her seat before she passed away.

Oh, sorry for your loss. Why leave it empty? Why not bring a friend or family member?

I would have he says, but they are all at her funeral.

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In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.

Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!

poof

His penis touches the floor.

His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.

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Why is it so hard to have a guys night out

Why it is hard to have a guys night out when you are in a relationship.Last Friday night I was invited with the boys for some fun. I told my wife I would be home by midnight,….I swear !!! Well the hours passed and the beers and shots went down to easily…around 2:30 am and a wee bit drunkin, I took a taxi home.
just as I got in the door…the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times…Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up , I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her (even when totally hammered…3 cucckoos plus 9 = midnight !!!

Well the next morning my wife was in a good mood and she asked what time I got in….I said twelve Midnight….she didn't seem mad at all ( I was thinking I got away with one)….

then she said we need a new cuckoo clock…I then asked her why…and she said….well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, then said oh $hit….cuckooed 4 times, cleared it's throat and cuckooed 3 more times…laughed and cuckooed twice more and the tripped over the coffee table and farted

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Everything is bigger in Texas

A Texan man was driving thru rural NSW with his Aussie chaperone when they passed a cornfield.

'You know back where I am from in Texas our cornfields are ten times larger then that' scoffs the Texan.

Next they drive past a couple of barns.

'You know back where I am from in Texas our barns are ten times larger then that'

They continue along when they pass an open field with kangaroos jumping about.

'What do you call those things' asks the shocked Texan.

The Aussie chaperone replies 'don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

the other night a married woman was invited out for a night with "the girls." she promised her husband that she would be home by midnight.

well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down very smoothly.

at around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, the wife headed for home. just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. quickly realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another nine times. she was exceptionally proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him (even when totally smashed, three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

the next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him "midnight." he didn't seem pissed off at all! then he said, "we need a new cuckoo clock." when she asked him why, he said, "well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.

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A black man and his son sits in an airplane

suddenly the airplane enters massive turbulence. The captain then activates the speaker and says:
"I am very sorry to inform you this, but we have to throw your luggage over board or the plane will crash!". After all the luggage was thrown overboard, some time passed and the plane entered another turbulence, but this time even more massive! The captain goes:
"This is an emergency! We have to throw passengers overboard or we will all die. You will be thrown overboard in alphabetic order.. Will all the African people please stand up?" Alle the african people stood up. "Will all the Black people please stand up?". All the black people stood up. "Will all the colored people please stand up?" All the colored people stood up". The son then asks his father:
"But dad... you always told me we were proud african, black, colored people??". "Not today son. Today, we are niggers"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I found out some sad news today. My German teacher passed away.

Au revoir, amigo.

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I just passed my Canadian citizenship test.

I got an Eh plus.

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A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.

The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"

The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island

A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island. The British guy decided it would be best for them to split up and meet back the next day. He told the other two that he would build a shelter, and told the French guy to gather food and the Korean guy to get supplies. The next day, the British guy had an impressive shelter built and the French guy showed up with berries and nuts, but there was no sign of the Korean guy. Days passed, and they began to get worried, so they set off in search of him. They walked through the jungle for three days without any sign of the Korean guy. Then on the fourth day, as they were about to give up hope, the Korean guy suddenly popped out from behind a rock and yelled "supplies!"

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How is Valve like Uranium-238?

By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.

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Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.

They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?

The guy falling responded, Nope, you know anything about parachutes?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley

In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.

The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."

The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

old man crying

i went for a jog today through the park and i came across and old man crying heavily. i passed him the first time but on my second lap he was still there balling his eye's out. i slowed down as i got close to him and started walking as to not starle him.

me: "Is everything ok sir?"

the old man wouldn't even look up but he replied

old man: "i have a big house, with a beautiful wife in her 30's who has the libido of teenage boy and breasts the size of bowling balls"

i'm a little taken about then ask

me: "why in the world would you be crying then?"

old man replies sobbing now

old man: "I cant remember where i live"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A few months after his parents were divorced...

Little Johnny passed by his mother's bedroom to find her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next few months, this continued. When Little Johnny came home from school one day, he heard his mother moaning differently. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, ripped off his clothes, threw himself onto his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "I need a PS4, I need a PS4!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is watching a world cup final in a sold out stadium

He notices an empty seat just in front of his and says to the guy sitting next to it, "Hey man, how come this seat here's empty? Tickets for this game havee been sold out for months!"

"Well, the seat was meant for my wife, but sadly, she passed away"

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend or relative to come along instead?"

"Nah, they're all at the funeral."

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Hell's Bells

3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a naked chick.
She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower.
So she dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves.

Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesn't ring. The woman nods.
"Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."
"Ding-ding!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome

One held a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people passed by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar holding the Cross.

The Pope came by and stopped to watch the number of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. The Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just to prove a point."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turning to the beggar with the Cross, said, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sex & Superheroes

It's annual superheroes new year's party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting.

All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed.

"Whats up?" asked Batman.

"Well I was upstairs looking for the toilet and I passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!"

"Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman.

"Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Holy Burial

A wife and her husband go to Jerusalem on vacation. While they were there, the husband passed away.The undertaker told the wife, "You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The wife thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped home.The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The wife replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I saw a dwarf escaping from jail down the side of a wall

As he passed by, he sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A couple got into an argument...

A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.

As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:

"Relatives of yours?"

The man replied:

"In-laws."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election.

Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does a true Scot keep under his kilt?

A Scotsman is at a festival, and he comes dressed in his best kilt (worn properly, of course). As the festival proceeds, the Scot starts to get very drunk, and so he sits under a tree with his beer mug and falls asleep. A couple of "pretty lasses" walk by and see the Scot passed out under the tree.

"What *DO* you think he has under his kilt?" one of them asks the other.
"I don't know!" she says. "Do you think maybe we should have ourselves a look?"

The lassies observe that the Scot is completely unconscious. They decide to hazard a glance, so they lift up the man's kilt and have a glance. The ladies are quite pleased with what they see.

"We ought to leave him a little something as token of our appreciation," the first girl says. The second agrees, and untying one of the blue ribbons from her braids, decorates his member with a bow.

Several hours later the man wakes up, and he shambles to the bathroom for a piss. Lifting the front of his kilt he says, "Ach! Wee lad, I don't know where you've been, but it seems you've won a prize!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A mother of twins went into labour and passed out.

A mother of twins went into labour and passed out. She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister what she named the children to which she replied she named the niece Denise. The mother feeling a little better then asked what she had name the boy to which she replied Denephew.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My sister passed out drunk and I thought it would be funny to draw a penis on her forehead. It took longer than I expected.

I'm not very good at tracing.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Korean friend passed away...

So Yung...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The hypnotist

A renowned hypnotist is attempting a mass hypnotism in a large auditorium. There are over 15,000 people there listening with rapt attention. The hypnotist pulls out a very nice golden pocket watch and holds it up for the entire crowd to see. He begins by saying:
"This is a watch passed down from hundreds of generations of magicians and hypnotists, it's worth is beyond measure. Today I will bring you under such a strong hypnotism with this very watch that you will do whatever I say."
As he says this, he begins to swing the watch, letting the chain out gradually as it rocks back and forth. Under his soothing performance the crowd's heads begin to droop. just as the crowd slips completely into the hypnotic state the hypnotist's hands slip on the watch and it drops to the floor, cracking the front plate.
"Shit!" He mutters under his breath.


It took a month to clean that place up.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was in a restaurant last night, when all of sudden, a guy wearing white clothes and a tall white hat burst out of the kitchen. He was ranting, dribbling and touching diners as he passed by. "What the hell was that?!?" I asked the waitress.

She replied, "Oh, the chef's special."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So two couples want to convert to Catholicism...

There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from sex for thirty days.

Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test.

"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.

"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.

"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there."

"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that."

"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Walmart anymore either."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..

So as to spare her any further embarrassment, I quietly pointed out her chestal indiscretion as I passed.

She looks down and screams "OH MY GOD!! I left the baby on the bus!!!"

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A joke.

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

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Little Johnny

One day, Little Johnny came home from school early and walked in on his parents having sex.

Little Johnny: "What are you two doing?"

Father: "I am playing *Poker* son"

Little Johnny: "What about mom?"

Father: "Don't worry about her, she is my *Wildcard*"

Little Johnny shrugged, put down is backpack and went to the bathroom. An hour passed by and his dad became concerned.

Father: *Knocks on the door* "Little Johnny! Are you okay?" *No response* "LITTLE JOHNNY! ARE YOU OKAY?"

Still no response, his dad knocks down the door to catch Little Johnny playing with himself.

Father: "What were you doing in here, Little Johnny?"

Little Johnny: "I was playing *Poker*, Dad."

Father: "Oh really? If you're playing *Poker, then where is your Wildcard*?"

Little Johnny: "*Dad, when you have a hand this good, you don't need no Wildcard*"

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I passed out drunk at a party and I woke up to some random dude blowing me....

I yell at him angrily "As soon as you're finished, I'm kicking your ass!"

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Two old baseball fans

Two old guys, Bob and Steve, are huge fans of baseball. As in, that was all they ever talked about. Bob was on his deathbed, when Steve told him something.

"Bob," he said, "When you get to Heaven, could you let me know if they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bob said "yes" and then passed away.


Three weeks later, as a still-grieving Steve was falling asleep, a sudden light from high up in heaven (!) shined down on him, and an angel from the lord was sent to Steve.

"Hey Steve," the angel, who was revealed to be Bob, said, "Great news!"

"Bob! What is it?!" Steve said.

"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that they *do have* baseball in Heaven."

"Whats the bad news?"

"You're pitching next week."

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A cannibal passed his friend in the woods.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My cat passed.

RIP Fluffy McMittens

2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2016

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So a woman got pulled over on a high way...

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (30 miles over the limit) a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger. Then, I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand I work from side to side, until I can get both hands inside. Then, I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

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Sandra, a devout Catholic, got married and had 11 children.

After her first husband died, she remarried and had 11 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Sandra also passed away.

At Sandra's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

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I swallowed two strings by accident, and when I finally passed them they were miraculously tied together

I shit you knot

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There were two guys playing golf, and a funeral passed

so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game.

His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'ο»Ώ

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Trump receives a message

Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.

The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.

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A funeral rerun . . .

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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The Harassing parrot.

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey! Hey, you!" it said.

"What?" She asked.

"You *know* what!"

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I passed by the prison today and they were playing soccer on the field

I shouted "Pass the ball, I'm free!!"

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Mexican self defense

A Mexican passed a Japanese man and a Korean man as they were discussing their favorite type of martial arts.

Japanese man: I practice karate, the defense arts.

Korean man: I practice Taekwondo, teaches defense and attack.

At this point the men notice the Mexican and ask him what he practices

Mexican: Judono

Men: We have heard of Judo but not Judono, what is it?

Mexican: Well, judono if I got a gun, judono if I got a knife...

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Do you suck ?

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

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I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As we know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social functions over the years.

A couple of months ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many, and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I've never done before:

I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block, but because it was a taxi, they waved me on.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was amazing because I've never driven a taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.

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Guy manages to land a Superbowl ticket...

But he's in the last row. He decides to move down and find an empty seat. Of course there's none, but finally spots a great seat next to an older gentleman. "Hey anyone sitting there?" "No, go ahead." so he sits down. "Great seats here, strange to find one empty." "Well, that would have been my wife's. We've been to all 49 Superbowls, but she passed away." "I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you find any friends or family to come?" "No, they're all at the funeral."

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My porn star friend recently passed away.

As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

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World Cup

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man: That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?

The guy: No…they are all at the funeral

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Finally Together

Mia, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Mia also passed away.

At Mia's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"


The priest replied, "I mean her legs.

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Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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Financial Planning like a pro

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. His sickly father told Dan he was going to inherit the business and a fortune but his father's one wish was to see Dan get married and settled before he passed on.
One evening, Dan went to a financial planning seminar, It was given by the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was bright and personable to boot. Dan fell in love at first sight. He told her, "I may look pretty ordinary, but my father will probably die soon and I will inherit the family business and a large fortune. Impressed, the woman asked Dan for his business card, and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.

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The 2 Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

*"Two Prostitutes - $50.00."*

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: *"JESUS SAVES."*

One of the girls asked the officer,
'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:


*"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter --$50"*

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A couple had been married for 70 years..

And then one fateful day, the husband fell ill and passed on. A few weeks later, the wife also passes away. Upon arriving in Heaven, she sees her husband. Excited, she calls him out:

"George! George! It's me, your wife! I just got here and we can be together for the rest of eternity!

The husband upon realizing it was his wife, starts to run the other way.

Confused, the wife shouts "Why?"

"I held up my end of the bargain 'Till death do us part'...but not a minute more!"

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Two scotsmen are playing golf.

There are two Scotsmen out for a day of golf, Angus is ready to swing on the fifteenth hole. There is a country road that runs parallel to the course.

As Angus is about to swing a funeral procession comes around the corner. He stops and takes off his hat until the funeral procession passed and turned the corner.

His friend is clearly moved, "Aye Angus, that was a very nice thing to do. Very respectful of ye to do that for that family."

Angus gets ready to continue paying and nods, "Aye, she was a good wife."

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hillbilly sex

Cletus, a seven-year-old hillbilly, comes up to his dad one day and says, "Daddy, what's sex?'

The dad says, "Why Cletus! You're all of seven years old, and you don't know what sex is?"

Cletus drops his eyes and says, "No, I shorely don't."

The dad says, "C'mere, young'n." Takes him by the wrist and into their shack, where the mom is passed out on the couch from drinking corn liquor all morning.

The dad lifts up her threadbare calico dress, points, and says, "See that hole twixt yer mammy's legs?"

"Yes."

"Well, watch this." He drops his pants, gets on, and starts boning the mom.

Cletus is watching, wide-eyed, and his sister, five-year-old Lu Ella, comes in, gasps, and says, "Cletus! What're they doin'?"

"Having sex."

"What's sex?"

"Why Lu Ella! You're all of five years old, and you don't know what sex is?"

Lu Ella drops her eyes and says, "No, I shorely don't."

Cletus says, "See that hole twixt Daddy's legs? Watch this!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away...

At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk

He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"

Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."

The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from the church.

The little boy responds "No need to fetch him, sex won't help this any."

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I was at a football game. Sold out stadium, but the guy next to me had an empty seat next to himself...

...As the game wore on, I asked him "Who's seat is that?" He looked at me sadly and said "That was my wife's seat but she passed away."
"I'm sorry to hear that." I replied. "You don't have any other family that might want to come to the game with you?" He shook his head and said "Nah... they're all at the funeral"

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What is the best thing that happened to you?

As a kid I always dreamt of travelling the world, learn about other cultures and write my own book. When my father passed away he left me enough money to do so. I decided it was time to fulfill my dream.

One place my journey took me to was an island with an ancient tribe living on it that was almost untouched by western civilization. I decided to dedicate one chapter in my book to this tribe. It took me months to learn their language, but I finally managed to interview one of the natives.

"What was the best thing that has happened to you here?" I asked.
-"One time" he said, "a girl got lost in the jungle. When we found her the chief let everyone of us have sex with her as a reward."

Of course I couldn't write that down, so I asked: "Is that really the best thing that happened to you?!"
-"Well, now that you mention it: One day TWO girls got lost in the jungle. When we found them, everyone was allowed to have sex with them."

I realized I'm not getting anywhere with this question, so I asked him:
"Ok, what was the worst thing that has happened to you?"
He looked down.
"You see... one time, I got lost in the jungle."

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Loving Husband!

A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final.
He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.
MAN: Who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?
GUY: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
MAN: Oh… that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat. But these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?
GUY: No…they are all currently at her funeral!

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A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...

"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said

He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her....

Tuesday he didn't see her...

and Wednesday passed too...

On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.

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Guess what it is, Jimmy

A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss and asked him, "Do you know what this is?"

The boy replied, "No."

The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it."

He does so and the teacher asked him, "Now do you know what it is?"

Little Jimmy said, "Nooooo."

So the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint...it's something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT.......IT'S A PIECE OF ASS."

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So I was walking through rural Georgia when...

...I passed a little lady with white hair and deep wrinkles sitting on her front porch who waved to me. I decided to amble up, say hello, and see if I could determine the secret to her longevity.

She told me her name was Ida and that she'd lived in this house her whole life, just as her parents and grandparents had. I asked her what she ate on an average day, and she told me:

"Every morning when I wake up, I eat a breakfast of half a pound of bacon, four eggs fried in the bacon lard, hash browned potatoes, and cheese grits. Lunch, I mostly have chicken-fried steak smothered in sausage gravy, and for dinner I like to have BBQ rack of ribs with some apple cobbler for dessert."

"Wow, that's quite an appetite. Do you drink alcohol?"

"Hell yeah. I have a six pack when I wake up, a fifth of whiskey in the afternoon, and a few bottles of moonshine after the sun goes down, then a shot of blackberry brandy before bed to settle my nerves."

"How about smoking?"

"Well, I'm down to two packs a day now. I smoke reefer on the weekends, and like a cigar with my brandy before bed."

I was bowled over. "Amazing, Ida, I've never met anyone like you where I'm from. Can I ask exactly how old you are?"

"Sure, I'm twenty-nine."

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A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...

...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband funeral.

When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:

"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"

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"So did you hear Bruce Willis passed away?"

"Really? How?"

"Suicide. Overdosed on Viagra and Cialis."

"That's terrible!"

"Well, he always wanted to Die Hard."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.


She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.


As they are walking, the husband cries out, Watch out for the fucking wall!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.

On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....

I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..

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I was at the football game the other day...

It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me

I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.

"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.

I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.

"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.

The man replied, "Oh, he's at the funeral!".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My cat just passed...

RIP Fluffy McMittens

2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2017

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Aliens meet at a Bar in Deep Space

Two Aliens meet in a bar in deep space.

**First Alien:** On my way here I passed a beautiful blue world, 2/3 covered by water, The dominant race have discovered Satellite technology and Harnessed the power of nuclear weapons for defense.

**Second Alien:** Interesting, so it looks like we have an emerging intelligence in the Galaxy.

**First Alien:** That is what i thought but then I realized they pointed them at themselves.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00."

A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.

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Last year I took a visual design class...

...and our final exam was to design a fireworks display.

I passed with flying colors.

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Maury wants to win the lottery

Each night before bed, Maury, a very pious jewish man, would kneel by his bed and pray to the Lord. "Lord, please let me win the lottery." Night after night he knelt, prayed to the lord, with no results the following day. Years went by, decades passed, each night the same prayer to God, "Lord, please let me win the lottery." One particular night, Maury knelt, prayed, then paused. "Lord, I am a devout Jew, I go to temple each week, why have you forsaken me and not granted me my only wish in this life?" The heaven's parted, and the voice of God boomed down from the heavens, "MAURY, YOU HAVE TO BUY A FUCKING TICKET!!"

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The man who invented anagrams has sadly passed away

May he erect a penis

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A man's father has just passed...

The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.

A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".

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What are the best Passed puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Passed? Well, here are the best jokes about Passed to have fun with.

Joko Jokes